Chapter Four

CHAPTER FOUR

Jessie

We’ve been driving in tense silence for over an hour when we pull up in front of a cabin. Ryan cuts the car engine and I sit forward. I have no idea where we are, but it’s beautiful.

Sunlight filters in through leafy green trees and through their thick trunks, I can spy water in the distance, shimmering green and blue. Most of all, the gentle wind is alluring and calming, because there’s nothing else. It’s so quiet and unlike anything I’m used to. My childhood was loud and scary. Life in Philadelphia is a rush of sound at all times, whether it’s car motors or horns or voices. This is peaceful—and despite my harrowing morning, I’m immediately lulled by my surroundings.

I’m so enraptured, it takes me a moment to realize Ryan is studying me closely, as if memorizing my reaction. “What is this place?”

“I own it,” he says, after a brief silence. “Bought it after I sold my parents’ house.”

“That was five years ago, Ryan. You own a cabin and never said anything?”

He touches his tongue to the corner of his mouth. “I guess we both have our secrets.”

Stop looking at his tongue.“I’m keeping mine.”

“We’ll see.”

Ryan pushes out of the car before I have a chance to respond and I’m more than a little thrown off as I climb out after him. What happened to my steady, soft-spoken, trusty best friend? This man is Ryan 2.0. He’s irritable, capable, owns random cabins and has muscular forearms. What gives?

I need to stop being so curious about this change in him. So…fascinated. My mother is back in Philadelphia in need of her medication. She runs out in a couple of days. On top of that, she needs groceries and cigarettes. I really shouldn’t want to go exploring—the cabin and the man. What do I know about exploring men, anyway? I touch no one and no one touches me.

That’s how I like it.

Right?

“Let’s get inside. We’ll need to burn these clothes.”

“What?”

Ryan takes out his own set of keys and shoves one into the lock, reaching a hand in through the opening to flip on a light before stepping inside. I glance back at the rental car and have a brief and unrealistic fantasy about hot-wiring it, since Ryan has confiscated my keys, but my curiosity gets the better of me and I follow him inside.

When I step over the threshold, I get my next surprise of the day.

There are deflated balloons, unlit candles and dead flowers…everywhere.

I toe the first dead balloon inside the door, revealing the words Happy Valentine’s Day.

The jealousy lands on me like hot asphalt. I can barely get oxygen into my lungs, it’s so heavy, weighing down my chest cavity. I’ve never experienced the emotion before and it’s awful. It’s sickening. And I’m definitely not supposed to feel this way over my best friend. “D-did…did you bring a girl here on Valentine’s Day last year?”

He turns to me with an eyebrow raised. “What?”

I fan my face vigorously. “I don’t feel good, Ryan. I think I’m going to pass out.”

He’s across the room in three strides, scooping me up in his arms. And I desperately need the support, but I’m angry at him now for some reason? So I push at his shoulders and give him my meanest frown. “Is this what you meant by having secrets?” I whisper shakily. “You have a sex cabin where you romance girls and…and—”

“It’s decorated for you, Jessie. Goddammit,” he rasps. “This is years’ worth of shit.”

My jealousy runs into a brick wall, not unlike my best friend’s chest. Seriously. What is happening underneath his clothes? “This is for me?” I ask, dumbfounded. “But I hate Valentine’s Day.”

“Believe me, I know. That’s why I keep letting it rot.” A beat passes, then he mutters, “I just can’t let the day pass without doing something special for you, Jessie, even if you aren’t aware of it.”

The pulse pumping in my ears is almost deafening. “Ryan…what are you saying?”

He sighs. “This is not how I wanted to do this.”

“Do it anyway.”

“I’ve been in love with you since we were thirteen,” he says in a firm, resonant tone, closing his eyes. “And I’m not talking love between children or something light and fluffy. I’m talking about knowing you’ve got forty-nine freckles on your nose. Knowing you secretly watch Lifetime when I’m at work, hate parties, sand in your shoes and the words paper cut make you shiver. But you love cannoli, peach ice cream, Arrested Development memes and fancy office supplies. You only have one bra that you actually like and I can tell when you’re not wearing it, because you’re grumpy, but still so fucking cute. You use my razors to shave your legs. You get halfway through self-help books and stop reading, hide them in your closet. You steal my socks in the winter and return them smelling like sugar. I love all of that. I love all of you.”

I’m like a feather being pitched up, down and sideways in the wind.

I hear his words, I hear him telling me things about myself I’ve never even taken the time to acknowledge and I have no doubt, zero doubt, that Ryan does love me. My God, the way he’s looking at me with his ocean blue eyes is glorious and honest. For a good ten seconds, I ache to throw my arms around his neck and beg him to be with me forever. To take that risk. To tell him all the things I know about him that no one else does.

But my fight-or-flight instinct creeps up, preparing to kick in. I’m vulnerable, like a control panel of exposed nerves. “I…I…”

“It’s okay.” He sets me down on my feet and kisses my forehead. “You just let that sink in for now, Jessie. There’s no rush, because I’m not going anywhere.”

I nod dumbly.

“In the meantime, we’re going to burn these clothes to be safe.”

And then Ryan strips off his shirt to reveal the physique of a god.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I whisper.

Ryan

“You’ve got tobe kidding me,” Jessie whispers.

Just like I knew she would, she starts to back away from me so quickly, she almost trips over an ottoman.

“Jessie…”

“You’ve just looked like that this whole time?” She’s behind the couch now, using it like a shield. “But how? But why?”

“How? I train before and after work in the precinct gym.” I let her see it, my obsession. Let it bleed into my expression, to see how she reacts. Or if I have a chance at salvaging my unplanned confession. “And why? I’m your protector, Jessie. I’m prepared for anything at all times. I have the resources through work and this body as a weapon. It’s all for you. Every hour of my day. Every fucking inch of me.”

“Oh my God.”

Rein it in. You’re going to scare her.“I know it’s a lot to take in at once.”

“You’ve been pretending to be a-a messy nerdy guy on purpose?”

I laugh. “Messy is a little harsh, but okay. Yes, I have.”

“Why?”

“Says the girl hiding behind the couch right now.” I shake my head. “I’m the same man, I just look different than you expected.” Unable to help myself from getting closer to her, I move to join her on the other side of the couch, approaching her with caution. “The question is: do you like it?”

Jessie’s eyes track down the front of my body, over my pecs, abdomen. My dick, where it remains trapped inside my sweatpants. It’s only started to stiffen and her cheeks are turning a rosy shade of pink. “It doesn’t matter if I like it. We’re best friends.” She licks her lips and backs herself into a wall. “Friends don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

“Whatever it is you’re thinking of doing.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Which is?”

“I’m not going to say it out loud.” Jessie is trembling when I reach her, but not from fear and not from the cold. I confirm by pushing the coat off her shoulders and finding her nipples in tight, little peaks against the front of her red flannel shirt.

A broken groan leaves me.

It’s almost more bliss than I can stand, finding proof twice in one day that I turn her on. And one of those times was before she saw the physique I’ve built in her honor at the gym. More than anything, I want to exploit that attraction, but I have to remember she’s been caught off guard. While she’s been my world, my infatuation, my reason for breathing for over a decade, it’s not the same for her. Yet.

I’ve been waiting for this day forever. Fantasized about it while following her down quiet Philadelphia streets, watched her from the coffee shop that looks into the hair salon where she works, watched her sleep. Photographed her unaware. Yes, I’ve been dreaming of this moment, so I won’t fuck it up. I refuse.

“Listen to me,” I say near her temple. “I’ve thought of nothing but fucking you silly since middle school. Thirteen years, Jessie. I can wait until you get used to the idea of me loving you. Just don’t run from me. Don’t be scared of me. I couldn’t stand it.”

Backing away from her is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I do it.

I’m shocked as hell when she stops me, her fingers sliding into my waistband and twisting, halting my progress in the opposite direction. Fucking Christ, just the feel of her smooth fingers sliding on my abdomen makes my cock jerk, spurting semen into the leg of my sweatpants. “Jessie,” I groan. “Don’t tease me.”

“I was thinking…maybe a kiss?”

She seems to have surprised herself.

Hell, she surprised me, too. I know I have to tread lightly, but I’m not letting the opportunity to kiss her pass me by when I have no idea if I’ll ever get it again.

I’ve waited too fucking long.

I keep her arms trapped inside the coat, locked behind her hips, and the position arches her back. The buttonholes of her shirt gape, bringing me the closest I’ve ever come to her naked breasts and I lean down now, releasing a hot breath over each of them. “I’ll kiss you, Jessie, but I won’t suck your little princess tits. No matter how hard you beg me.”

“What?” Those pretty mounds heave closer to my mouth. “Why?”

I hide my smile. I’ve thought endlessly about how to handle Jessie when I finally got my chance to take things to the next level. There isn’t another man alive who understands how her mind works better than me and I’ll use every tool at my disposal to make sure she doesn’t run away from me, and keeps coming back for more. If Jessie doesn’t believe us being together is her decision, it’s never going to happen. “I’ve freaked you out enough for one day,” I say. “If you want to be more than friends, we go slow. End of discussion.”

She opens her mouth to protest, but I beat her to the punch.

“Same goes for your pussy. Understand? If I kiss you and you start rubbing it against me like a horny kitten, I’m going to take my tongue out of your perfect mouth. Are we clear?”

“Ryan. Wh-when d-did you start talking like this?”

“When did you start robbing convenience stores?”

She gasps and struggles a little in my grip. Sensing I’ve pushed her just enough, I swoop down and capture her mouth with mine. And ahhhh fuck, her taste is extraordinary. I’ve sucked on her forks and chewed her used gum before trying to discern her exact flavor, but nothing—nothing—compares to the real thing. She’s like a gasp of oxygen after living underwater, all cool and clean and delicious.

Her plump lips part beneath mine and my goddamn knees almost buckle, because our tongues snake together and she whimpers. The sound is a little irritated, too, like she’s sulking over my refusal to suck her tits and lick her pussy.

Jesus, I’m kissing Jessie, the love of my life. And her irritation seems to be fading quickly, her lips softening further, her tongue rubbing against mine with more and more enthusiasm. God, I would give anything to drag her thighs up around my waist and fit my cock inside her tight, virgin fuck hole right now, but I have to stick to my word. We’re going slow.

She makes slow very difficult when she arches closer, rubbing her straining tits side to side through my chest hair, mewling into my mouth. My dick is swollen, aching, dripping from the tip now, as if I didn’t jack off earlier. As if I haven’t touched myself in months, instead of the truth, which is I’ve been beating my cock raw since the day I saw her.

I’m kissing Jessie.

I’m kissing Jessie.

And if I ever want to do it again, I have to stop.

One more minute. Just one more.

I let go of her wrists, imprisoning her hips in my hands, my fingers memorizing the texture of her skin where it peeks out above her denim waistband. I’m so caught up in the kiss, I only make out the vague sound of her coat hitting the ground—and then her bare hands are on my chest, branding me, gliding over my shoulders and up into my hair. She lets out a frustrated whine, pulls on my hair and we go stumbling backward, sandwiching Jessie between me and the wall.

“Ryan,” she rasps, breaking the kiss, her eyes glazed with lust. Her hips make an enticing movement against mine and with my erection caught between my stomach and waistband, I come a little on my belly. “More,” she pleads.

Oh Christ, this is going to kill me.

“No,” I say firmly and step back. “We stop at kissing for now.”

“I don’t want to stop.”

She says that now. But if we sleep together too soon, before she’s had a chance to consider us being a lot more than friends from every angle, she’ll have a full-blown panic attack afterwards. I have to handle this perfectly.

Or I’ll blow my shot with the only woman I’ll ever love.

“No more, Jessie,” I manage, though it’s painful as hell. “Now get your clothes off. Keeping you safe means taking precautions. I have to burn these.”

I’m not lying just to get her naked. The convenience store owners can give a physical description of her, at least from the neck down. And dammit, I still don’t know why she was desperate enough to rob a store. Again, I suspect her mother is involved, somehow. The woman returns to Philly every so often and leans on Jessie for cash. I usually find a way to provide Jessie with the money, without her realizing it’s me. Like planting a wallet of cash with no identification in the park where she walks every afternoon. Or bribing one of her customers to give her an extravagant tip. I’ve been working so hard lately, her mother’s arrival somehow evaded my notice and it’ll never happen again.

At first, I was grateful for Jessie’s mother. She did her best to protect Jessie from an abusive father. But over time, she’s become greedy and hardened. Selfish. A threat to my girl’s happiness—and I won’t have it.

“What am I supposed to wear after you burn my clothes?” Jessie asks.

“I’ll go out and buy you something.” She’s making no move to unbutton her shirt, so I do it for her, revealing her flushed, braless tits. Smooth, apple-sized globes tipped with raspberry that I’ve spied on for years, but will forever have the ability to make me harder than steel. Fuck, they’re so luscious. The urge to reach into my sweatpants and masturbate to the incredible sight of her is fierce, but I bite down on my tongue and fully strip off her shirt. Then I kneel and peel the jeans down the swell of her hips, the lithe length of her trembling thighs. And all the while, I’m inwardly panting over the expanding wet mark on the front of her panties. God almighty. Just want to eat her pretty cunt so bad. It’s right there for the taking.

Resolutely, I close my eyes and remove her jeans, standing before I follow my urges and rip off her panties with my teeth.

Then my sweet Jessie is standing in front of me in nothing but a little scrap of fabric, truly the sexiest, most angelic female on the planet. I want nothing more than to kneel back down and worship at her feet. Instead, I stand there clutching her clothes so tightly in my hand, I feel the blood leaving my knuckles.

Vulnerability skitters across her features and she crosses her arms over her bare breasts. “What about you?” she asks, breathily. “Don’t you have to burn your clothes, too?”

“Uh-huh.” With my tongue tucked into my cheek, I push the sweatpants down my hips and step out of them—and she finally gets a load of my fully erect cock for the first time, where it’s huge and pulsing inside my briefs. There’s more than one reason I wear oversized pants and T-shirts. Yes, I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable with my physical appearance. But more than that, I needed larger clothes to hide what she does to me simply by breathing.

And my size…suffice it to say, it matches the rest of me.

“Oh my God.” She covers her eyes with her hands, but only lasts a few seconds before peeking back through her fingers. “Ryan, it looks like you’re smuggling a-a…footlong Subway sandwich in there.

I drop my head back and laugh. “Only half of that statement is true.” I bend down and kiss her lips softly. “Stay here, princess. I’ll go get some clothes and…” I check my watch. “Food. Your stomach is going to start growling in nineteen minutes.”

“Nothing is what I thought,” she whispers after a moment. “Is it?”

“Wrong.” I brush my thumb across her lower lip. “Deep down, you’ve always known I loved you, Jessie. You just had no idea how much.”