1. Jaxson

Jaxson: We’re here.

Iwaited for a reply from my buddy from the Marines, who now ran his family moving business. Shep arrived yesterday, even though we left before they did. We’d kept in contact throughout, so I knew he was at the local diner, grabbing food while he waited for me. They hadn’t been able to stay in town. Apparently, the two inns were fully booked. What were the odds?

Who knew never-heard-of-it-ville Montana got so much traffic?

Maybe you won’t spend as much time cursing Lee and Jay for getting you into this.

I blew out a breath and cracked my knuckles before looking back at the sleeping bundle in the car seat. “Guess this place can’t be so bad if a lot of tourists come through, huh?” Of course, I didn’t get a reply.

My phone pinged, stopping the usual train of panic-laced thoughts. That was normal for me now.

Shepherd: Be there in 10.

That was a typical Shep response. The man never used more words than he needed.

Tossing my phone on the passenger seat, I rolled my shoulders before opening the door and getting out of my brand-new, passed-every-safety test SUV. I stretched, letting all my muscles relax. Finally, we were here. We could have arrived sooner if you hadn’t pushed moving day oh ten or so times, a very unhelpful voice pointed out.

Yet another thing I’d gotten good at ignoring.

Instead, I stared at the large house that was to be my… our new home and sighed.

I did my best to ignore the panicked voice, reminding me it wasn’t just me anymore. I was now and forever half of a we.

I wiped my face with my hand and released another breath. “I sure as fuck hope I’m doing the right thing.”

It was probably… definitely, the wrong time to have second thoughts. I snorted. Calling them second thoughts wasn’t quite right… these were more like fiftieth and sixtieth thoughts. Was that even a saying? If it wasn’t, it sure as hell should be.

Even after selling my condo and packing my whole life up the last couple of months for this move, there was a part of me that was certain I was crazy for moving to a whole new town, with absolutely no backup.

“No fucking backup.” I’d have no more babysitters, or kindly neighbors that had known me forever. Or military spouses that took pity on me and dropped off food and took the baby for a couple of hours so I could panic in solitude. It was just me and little bit.

And just like always, that thought had my body breaking out in a cold sweat worse than the time one of my trainees had stepped on an active mine and we’d had to detonate without blowing both of us to kingdom come.

You gave your word buddy,so no going back now. But damn it, there were times I really wanted to. I would rather be knee-deep in a war zone, eating sand than dealing with the responsibility I never asked for. But I had it because my best bud and my sister both died leaving their child to me. The most precious thing to them, and the very one they’d both been fucking ecstatic about.

“Fuck!” I clenched my fist, trying not to punch something. Been there, done that, and it had been a blessing I hadn’t broken anything. Even though the pain certainly felt like I had.

Just like I had more times than I cared to count, I reminded myself to suck it up. Because even though I was a poor substitute for Lee and Jayson, I was all she had.

And she’s all you got!

All the family I had left.

The need to punch something returned at the reminder. Lee and I had always had each other. Then Jayson had come along. I’d met him in the service, brought him home right after basic, and one look at my younger sister and he was a goner. And the fuckers had both left me. I squeezed my eyes shut, no tears McCarthy. I drew in a deep breath and counted to ten. Then another, until the tsunami in my chest that felt like it would rip me apart if I gave into it, reduced to crashing waves before finally letting it out.

Focus on the move. It was what they wanted. Their wills had been very specific.

That’s why you sold the condo.If I’d let myself keep it, it would be an escape hatch and there couldn’t be one. This was my future, at least for the next eighteen years. Asheville Montana.

God, I still wanted to pinch myself, or better yet, give myself a swift kick in the ass whenever I thought about it too much. A new town… in fuckin’ Montana, of all places. I was a Chicago boy through and through. The big city was all I’d ever known, unless I counted my time in the desert on Uncle Sam’s dime. That was what it was. But a vacation it fuckin’ wasn’t.

This isn’t one either. But now wasn’t the time to think about this new life, or what it all meant.

I looked up at the sky and sighed. “This better be the right thing you two.”

Turning, I faced the mountains that didn’t seem that far away from my new home, and thought about the miles and miles of green I’d driven past on my way in. Yeah, I’d definitely left Chicago very far behind. The town I’d just driven through looked like something out of a postcard. Actually, scratch that, it looked like something out of a fairytale. I half expected Geppetto to pop out any second.

I groaned and pushed my hand through my hair; it was yet another thing to get used to after having it buzzed short for the better part of twelve years since basic training. But that seemed to be the norm for me these days. My life had turned into one adjustment after another. I snorted. If there was one thing the Marines taught me, it was how to adapt and survive.

So why did the thought of being the sole caregiver for my four-month-old niece, Emilia, or Mia, as I called her, feel more life-threatening than getting shot at by snipers with nowhere to take cover?

Almost like she sensed my panic, Emilia mewled, and I peeked in the car to find her stirring. I waited a second to see if she would settle back to sleep. She wasn’t fully awake yet or there would be tears, which was the exact last thing I needed right now. I walked over to the back door on the passenger side to unstrap her from the car seat.

You have all the time in the world to call yourself crazy anyway.Like when you spend your first night in a strange house in a strange town where you know exactly zero people.

It’s not like I had family in Chicago, not anymore—do not focus on that thought right now—but I had friends from the military and the old neighborhood who’d been there the last couple of months helping with my Emilia. Who would help us now?

Maybe you should have thought of that before now.

I snorted at myself because really no amount of thinking would have made a difference. Moving here was what they wanted. If Lee and Jayson were here, they would want their baby girl to be raised in Asheville. Jayson had always said he’d go home one day with my sister when we were done with the service, and they were ready to have kids. It sucked that they’d never gotten the chance, especially right when their lives were about to start. Fuck you, Jay, for dying on your last tour. Fuck you for making me have to tell Lee. And fuck both of you for leaving me.

They’d just been about to get their forever, and then in the blink of an eye they were both gone leaving little bit and I alone. So how could I do any less than honor their wishes?

After putting it off as long as you could.

Emilia whimpered again, this one louder, and I knew we were a second away from a full-on shriek fest. God, yet another thing I’d had to learn. Tiny people had huge lungs on them. Or at least my tiny person did. But who could blame her after losing both parents before she even took a full breath in the world? If anyone had something to be mad about, she did.

She has you though… Yeah, but would I ever be enough?

I shook my head because that was yet another thing I’d have time to think about tonight in this house that now belonged to me, even though this was my first-time setting eyes on it.

Hurriedly, I got her out of the car seat. I could even do it one-handed now, and used my free hand to grab the baby carrier that I attached to my chest. It had quickly become one of the main necessities in my new life. It wasn’t one of those wrap ones; I wasn’t too proud to admit that I was terrified of using one of those. I could take apart a rifle and clean it in less than five minutes, but eighteen feet of soft, stretchable cotton had me stumped. What if I tied it wrong and she slipped right out of the bottom?

I shuddered at the thought.

Absolutely everything in my life now required research and planning, where I’d just been able to get up and go before. I looked down at the beautiful face of my niece, who’d thankfully gone back to sleep once I strapped her into the carrier against my chest. She was perfect. A mix of the two people who’d meant everything to me in this world.

The wave of grief that washed over me had me sucking in a breath. Fuck! I couldn’t regret my choice for a moment. There’d never been a choice to make. Emilia had been mine the second her mother, my sister, hadn’t made it out of the delivery room while bringing her into this world.

I still felt out of my depth most days and questioned my sanity for moving, but one thing the military taught me was how to power through even the roughest of situations.

And this certainly counted. Boy, did this count.

Thankfully, before I could fall down the rabbit hole of grief and uncertainty, for what would probably be the hundredth time, the sound of an engine had me turning to find the moving truck pulling up behind me. They’d been waiting for me to arrive, and the journey had taken longer for me because I hadn’t been able to drive straight through the way I would have if I were by myself.

Before now, I’d have just made the twenty-hour drive in one go. Stopping for a quick piss here and grabbing a bite there, but life with a four-month-old was nothing like that of an untethered soldier. There were times I couldn’t imagine my life before and others…well, there wasno use thinking about that.

It didn’t make sense though. I’d only had my niece for four months, and there were days I had trouble remembering the guy whose only major life decision was if he should re-enlist or not. I missed him sometimes, but with each second that passed, he became a distant memory.

“Jax,” Shepherd grinned at me as he walked up and came in for a hug, but stopped short when his eyes landed on the precious cargo strapped to my chest. “My bad man, how’s the little princess doing.” He leaned in for a peek.

“Good. Good,” I replied, because really that was what people wanted to hear when they asked that question. Not tales of exploding diapers or how sometimes she cried all night. The latter was not always the baby.

“That’s good,” Shepherd replied, serious gray eyes holding mine. I knew he had something to get off his chest, so I waited for him to speak.

“You sure this is the right move?”

My heart began to pound in my chest because I’d just asked myself that question and hearing it out loud… well.

“I know you promised,” Shepherd swallowed before saying their names, “Jay and Lee, but they’d understand—” He looked around the neighborhood, before settling his gaze back on me. “This ain’t Chi town, brother.”

I did my best not to roll my eyes. Like I needed him to state the obvious. Heck, the tallest building I’d seen was like four stories. I could bet there was nothing open 24 hours out here.

“I know,” I replied. Honestly, I didn’t want to address the rest of it before I told him to turn the moving truck around and head back home.

This is home now.

“What happens if there’s an emergency?” Shepherd pushed.

I held his gaze and replied, “There’s a fantastic hospital here. I checked.”

Shepherd rolled his eyes. “Come on man, you know that’s not what I mean. You need your people, and all of them are back home in Chicago, not in a place barely on the map.”

I wanted to growl at him for saying things I’d worried about. Did he think I wasn’t aware of the fact that I was alone in a whole new town? Did he think I didn’t know it was crazy and foolish to uproot my life when it was just me and this tiny human?

“You know why I’m doing this,” I gritted out. “Why I have to do this. You’d sure as fuck do the same.”

Shepherd looked away, but he nodded slightly, acknowledging my words for the truth they were. Like me, he was tight with his family. His younger brother and sister had gone into the service too, and his sister was still in. Shep and Landry only retired when their dad, also an ex-serviceman himself, had a very unexpected heart attack. They’d come back to take over the family moving and storage business.

Shep never traveled with the trucks anymore, and I knew he tagged along with the driver so he could have this conversation. But deep down, I also knew it was because he was a great friend.

“Boss should we get things unpacked or—” the voice trailed off.

“I told you not to call me boss,” Shep said, “And yup let’s get this truck empty and the house set up.”

He finally turned back to me. “My mama would have my head if I didn’t make sure you were settled in before leaving. She expects a full report and pictures as proof.”

“Thank you,” I said as the tinge of panic that told me that I was on my own once that truck pulled out and headed back to Chicago tried to resurface, but I shoved it down. Knowing Shep, he wouldn’t leave until the house was completely ready. Heck, if I asked him, he’d stay a little longer. But I knew I couldn’t do that to him. It would just be delaying the inevitable.

He nudged me lightly, conscious of the precious cargo in my arms. “Don’t be an idiot. Anytime.” He held my gaze. “I mean it, call if you need me.”

My throat tightened, but I cleared it. “I know,” I replied.

“Good. Now get my goddaughter in the house while we get y’all sorted,” Shep said firmly, closing the mushy part of our conversation.

I crossed over from the garage to the walkway and walked up the three steps that led up to a covered front porch. On each side of the entrance sat two outdoor chairs with a small table between them. I couldn’t tell what they looked like since they were covered with dark green waterproof furniture covers. Ignoring that for now, I stared at the large brown stained front door. I felt the need to draw in a deep breath.

“This is it. We’re home, baby girl.”

Kissing her on the head, I pushed the key that Leanne and Jayson’s lawyer had delivered to me into the lock. I released a breath as the door opened, then stepped inside the house. The house was warm, and I was immediately thankful I’d asked the attorney to have the heat turned on. Looking around, I’d expected to find it dusty, but that wasn’t the case. There wasn’t even a layer of dust on the wooden table in the foyer. Even the mirror was totally spotless.

I tried to remember if the lawyer had mentioned a cleaning service and made a mental note to call him I would definitely need help keeping this house up along with my new—my gaze shifted to my niece—responsibility. Not to mention trying to figure out what the rest of my life looked like for the next eighteen years in Asheville, Montana. It was definitely more than I was capable of at the moment.

Footsteps broke me out of my reverie, and I turned to find Shep hovering in the doorway.

I raised a brow. “Need a written invitation before you come in? You’re letting all the heat out, asshole.” I tried for levity but didn’t quite hit the mark. My chest felt like it was being squeezed in a vise. It was seventeen degrees outside, and thankfully I was used to below-freezing temperatures from living in Chicago. Otherwise, it would have been another thing I had to get used to.

So why was I sweating like I was trekking across the Afghan desert in full camo and equipment?

Shep must have seen something in my eyes because he walked over, stopping right beside me. Our gazes met as I looked in the entryway mirror and held. “You know you’re not alone, right?” He squeezed my shoulder. “Say the word, and I’ll send him back with the truck and stay with you till?—”

“No,” I said, cutting him off. It wasn’t the word I was dying to scream, but I knew I couldn’t ask that of him. He had a family and a business to run back home in Chicago. “Thank you, but no. If you stay—” I blew out a breath, “I can’t… I think I need to do this by myself.”

Shep’s brow furrowed as he opened his mouth. I could see he was about to argue, but then pressed his lips together without speaking. He took the battered White Sox cap off and rubbed his head. Shep still wore his hair in a blend of a buzz cut and a short fade. It wasn’t military regulation anymore—not that mine was—but it worked for him.

“If you need me to come, night or day, you call.” He held my gaze until I finally nodded.

“I promise.” With that, Shep’s shoulders seemed to drop, and he sighed and shoved his cap back on.

“Good, now let’s see what we’re working with here,” he said.

He opened the door to the left of us. “Should make a good office, I’ll have them leave your stuff,” Shep said.

I peeked in and saw dark built-in cabinets. There was a sturdy farmhouse-style desk, the floors were a lovely chocolate oak, and the large window to the side brought in enough good light that even with all dark furniture, the room still worked.

“Yeah, but they can leave my old desk out,” I said.

Shep nodded, “Yup, that one looks like it has history.”

Jayson’s family history. The thought slid into my mind unbidden, and I was lost for a second. I was back at bootcamp; it was my first day and our company commander asked if I was also Jayson with an X added to my name for no reason. Jay had found it funny and somehow, we’d been stuck together since then.

I opened my eyes to find Shep watching me; we shared a small smile, and I bet he knew where my mind had gone.

“Let’s keep moving.” His voice was gruff and emotion-filled. We’d gone into the service together, and then Jay, Shep, and I had ended up in the same company. I knew he carried the loss with him, too.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

The house was bigger than my condo, definitely much bigger than it looked from the outside. It was actually two stories with five bedrooms. Thankfully, I’d thought to ask for a list of furniture in the house, and the lawyer had been kind enough to send one.

The kitchen was large and the yard even bigger. I could see why Jayson and Leanne would want to raise a child here. This had been his home. Lee had never left Chicago and never had a desire to live anywhere else.

Now that she was gone, I couldn’t ask her when that had changed her mind. With both of them gone. I was left with a lot of questions and no one to answer them.

And I couldn’t forget the massive responsibility of raising their child and a house that felt like it was trying to swallow me whole.

Still, looking around here, it made sense in a way why Jay had wanted to come back here. To be close to his roots. I wondered what he would think of me taking over his home and raising his daughter in it. Would he approve of my parenting, of the choices I would make for her?

I felt a hand on my shoulder. “We’ll figure it out, okay?”

I nodded, “Yeah, we will.”

There was no alternative.

I tried not to focus on the fact Shep would be gone in a couple of days.

His voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “What do you think, boss?”

I looked around at the spacious living room, with its vaulted ceilings and stone fireplace. “It’s beautiful,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Shep nodded, “It is. But remember, this is just a house. What matters is the love and memories you and Emelia will make in it.”

I smiled at him, feeling grateful for his words. “Thank you,” I said.

We continued through the house, scoping out bedrooms and the living rooms, there was a large pantry attached to the kitchen.

The whole house looked like it had been renovated recently.

Probably by Jay for when he brought Lee and their baby home.

Fuck, how were they gone?

At that moment, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for Shep. He was the only one who knew what I was going through, having lost Jayson too. I relied on his strength to keep me going, maybe more than I should be, but he kept me from falling apart.

Shep and I continued to explore the house, and I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the weight of everything. Obviously, I had never been a parent before, and the thought of raising her on my own without any guidance made my head spin. But I knew I had to figure it out. For her sake.

We finally made it to the master bedroom, and Shep nodded approvingly at the king-sized bed. “Looks like a good place to rest your head after a long day,” he said with a small smile.

I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. “As long as the baby lets me sleep,” I replied.

Shep’s face softened. “You’ll figure it out, Jax. You always do. And if you need any help, just say the word.”

I nodded, grateful for his support. But again, I knew deep down that this was something I had to do on my own.

“Let’s get the bed made, so I can put this little lady down.” We both looked at her snoozing comfortably against my chest.

When I was packing up in Chicago, I’d made sure the boxes were labeled with a designated room and the contents. When Shep called one of his guys to bring up the box marked sheets and towels, it was easy for them to locate it. Thankfully, the bed was the same size as mine, but I’d given that away right before the move since I’d known my new room had one. But I’d still gone out and bought extra sheets and stuff since I wanted to be sure I had everything I needed since this town was completely new to me.

Once the bed was made and I got Mia settled with pillows surrounding her, Shep and I got to work. I went out to the car and got her portable crib as Shep went for the boxes marked with baby things.

We met back in my room to find Mia sound asleep. The little girl had a powerful set of lungs on her, so I knew she’d let me know when she was ready to eat or needed a diaper change. And even though I didn’t have to worry about her rolling around yet, I wouldn’t feel safe until she was safely in her portable crib and the baby monitor on my hip.

Those baby books the nurses had suggested had become my saving grace when I could get them as an audiobook. My baby bootcamp had been very thorough, even though it was scary as hell.

Shep got his guys going unloading the truck while he stuck with me, working in silence, moving furniture and unpacking boxes. I tried to keep myself busy, not wanting to think about the reason I was in this house and in this small town. But every so often, my mind would wander back to the fact that I was now responsible for a child. My niece.

I’d never even held a baby before her. I didn’t know the first thing about raising a child when all this happened. But here I was, ready to ensure this little girl had a good life. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

I had to just keep putting one step in front of the other, and everything would work out.

We tackled Mia’s room first, getting the big crib and everything set up. Lee had already been prepared with everything, not to mention the gifts from her shower. And I’d received even more stuff after she’d passed. I guess people knew what I was going to need.

I took out my phone and looked at the pictures I’d taken of how my sister had set up the nursery. I tried to set it up the same way Lee had.

I paused, thinking back to the time we’d spent together those last days. I knew she was going to need me since Jay had passed and was extremely grateful she’d taken the time to teach me things about how to feed her and change diapers. Her grief over Jay’s death was heartbreaking, and I knew I might need to step in.

I shook off that thought. Lee had loved Mia. She wouldn’t have left her if she had a choice, right?

A hand on my shoulder had me looking up. I realized I’d stopped putting the dresser together, just holding the Allen wrench in my hand and staring.

As we finished setting up the last of the furniture, Shep broke the silence. “You’re doing good, Jax. Just take it one day at a time.”

I nodded, grateful for his words of encouragement. “Thanks, Shep.” I drew in a deep breath, and blew it out, “I just can’t believe I’m a dad now.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, life has a way of throwing you unexpected turns.”

I smiled weakly. “Tell me about it.”

That was a fucking understatement if I ever heard one.

We finished up her room quickly since we only had a few pieces of furniture to put together.

We finished up the last few boxes and headed over to my bedroom to check on Mia. Even though I had the baby monitor with me, I felt the need to lay eyes on her. She was still asleep, which felt like a miracle, and I wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth.

We spent the next few hours getting things unpacked. The house began to feel more like me, and when Mia woke up once, she had a diaper change and a bottle. She brought her fist to her mouth and looked at me like I’d hung the moon for her. I held her securely and kissed her head while we talked to her. Before long, she was milk-drunk and back to sleep.

Oh, to be four months old and have no worries but a clean diaper and a full belly.

A part of me felt like Mia realized we were home, her dad’s home. But of course, that was impossible. Still, she was sleeping better out here in the half a day we’d been here than she ever had in the three months we’d been in Chicago.

Hopefully, that would continue to happen. Please let it continue. There was no one to hand her off to while I caught a couple hours of sleep like I had back home.

The house was mostly set up, although the main living room would need new furniture. Still, the large U-shaped couch from my condo fit perfectly in the media room. Yeah, I had one of those. My 75-inch TV managed to look too small in here.

We finished up the last few boxes and collapsed onto the couch. Shep produced beers from heaven knew where and handed me one.

I took a long swig, feeling the cold liquid slide down my throat. “Thanks, Shep. You’re a lifesaver.”

He smiled, clinking his bottle against mine. “To new beginnings.”

I smiled back, feeling grateful for his company. “To new beginnings,” I repeated, taking another sip.

Somehow, I felt more overwhelmed but also more relaxed than I had in a long time.

We sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound being the faint hum of the furnace. I couldn’t help but feel grateful for Shep’s presence. He had been there for me through thick and thin, and I knew I wouldn’t have come this far without his support and his whole family.

“Hey, have you thought about hiring a nanny or a babysitter?” Shep asked, breaking the silence.

I shook my head. “Not yet. I think I want to try to do this on my own for a little while, at least until I get the hang of things.”

Shep nodded, “I understand. But just know that you don’t have to do this alone. There are people who can help.”

I smiled weakly and took another swig of my beer before speaking up.

“I admit there are days I don’t know if I can do this.” My voice was barely above a whisper. “I don’t know the first thing about being a parent. What if I mess her up?”

He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You won’t mess her up. You’ll make mistakes. That’s life. But what’s important is that you love that little girl.”

“More than life,” I said simply. Not even my terror and fear of fucking up could change that.

Shep turned to me with a serious expression. “Listen, Jax. If you ever need anything, anything at all, I’m here for you. And I mean it. Raising a kid on your own is tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you ever need me to come down, just call man. Don’t think for a second that I don’t have you’re back ‘cause you upped and moved out to the boonies.”

I snorted even as I felt a lump form in my throat at his words. “Thanks, Shep. I really appreciate it.”

He clapped me on the back. “Anytime, brother.”

We both got lost in our own thoughts. I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to the past, to the memories of Jayson and Leanne. It felt like a lifetime ago, with everything that had happened, but the pain was still fresh. Having Emilia, having to focus on her, helped, but it didn’t stop the gaping hole losing the closest two people in my life had left behind.

As much as it terrified me sometimes, I welcomed the responsibility of raising Mia. It had given me something to focus on since the only other option was falling apart — not like I hadn’t done that too.

But as I looked around at the house, at all the potential for new memories, I felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe this was the fresh start I needed, a chance to build a new life for myself and my niece. I took a deep breath and looked back at Shep. “Thanks for everything, man. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He grinned. “You’d probably be lost without me,” he joked. “But seriously, take care of yourself and that little girl. And don’t hesitate to call if you need anything.”

He kept saying it because Shep knew I could be a stubborn ass, but with Mia, I would put my pride aside. Heck, I knew fuck all about raising a kid.

I nodded, feeling grateful for his support. “I won’t.”

As Shep headed out, I took one last look around the house. It was my responsibility now to make it a home for me and my niece. And even though the journey ahead was uncertain, I knew that I would do whatever it took to make it work.

For her sake.