Chapter Six

Elise

One Week Later

I am sitting in my basement, surrounded by random shit. My mother kept everything from receipts to journals to every article of clothing she’s ever bought. I could easily piece her entire life together, but not the parts I want to find. There is a massive gap in the journals from a week before her birthday to when I was about a year old. Occasionally there is a mention of grief for losing something she wanted, but she never goes into detail. Through all of it, I can tell she never wanted to give me up. She never mentioned that it was me, but for my entire life, she repeated the same words at the end of every entry.

“I hope you have a better life than what I could have given you.”

I am thinking it’s not that she didn’t want me, she just didn’t think she could be the parent to me that she thought I deserved. She had no way of knowing I would be placed with who I was. She didn’t seem like the person who would have allowed that.

After submitting to Lucian and going to my knees for him followed by him making me come while I was on a conference call, I’ve been avoiding him. I bought a treadmill so I can run in the house. I found and took down all of the cameras. I changed my alarm code and locks. I don’t know why, because I miss his presence, but the thought of being near him scares me. I’m not necessarily scared of him, but I’m scared of being close to him. It doesn’t make much sense.

I haven’t even set foot on my porch, let alone gone anywhere. Laura comes by three times every day, but I never answer. I know she is worried about me. I stand on the other side of the door and cry every time she comes by. She will always say something about how she’s here for me when I am ready. She’ll tell me that she understands. I’m glad she does, because I sure as hell don’t.

Carol is the only one I’ve spoken to, and that's only because she tricked me. She started banging on the door and sounded like something was seriously wrong. When I opened the door, she just said “Gotcha, bitch” and walked in. I can’t even be mad, because that was clever. She brought some food in that she made and put it in my refrigerator before asking me how I was. I told her I didn’t know, and she just said she understood. She didn’t push for information or even ask why I was held up in the house. That led to my word-vomiting my past trauma. She listened to everything I had to say, and then just hugged me. No one has ever done that, so it brought a wave of emotion over me. When I calmed down, she told me that if she had known, she would have adopted me to spare me and my mom the pain.

I am exhausted. I haven’t been taking my sleeping medicine, so the nightmares have kept me up for most of the night. If I’m not sifting through Mom’s stuff, I am gardening in the backyard. I try to keep myself awake all day so I can sleep at night, but then I just end up curled in a ball sobbing because I’m overly tired and terrified of my dreams. I miss Lucian the most at night because he brings me so much comfort. I don’t even think it’s what he’s doing, but the fact that he’s close.

I find myself nodding off again, so I force myself to get up and go upstairs. I invited Jake over because I am determined to fuck someone . I was blunt with him about my intentions, and he was happy to plan dinner with me.

I am making salmon, asparagus, and a side salad, so I go upstairs to change clothes before I start to prep everything. I am wearing a simple black cocktail dress with my hair down. I feel beautiful in my own skin. It’s one of the few things Darnell wasn’t able to steal from me.

When the doorbell rings, I stop what I’m doing and answer it. “Hey,” I say with a kind smile when I see Jake. He is a handsome man, but I am immediately comparing him to Lucian. I force those thoughts aside and let him in.

“Hey, you look great,” he says.

“Thank you,” I say. “Wine?”

“Please,” he says. He walks with me to the kitchen, where I pour us some wine before resuming cooking.

“I must say,” he says as he walks about to lean against the counter beside me. “I'm a bit confused.”

“About?” I ask, glancing at him.

“How did we go from you riding your neighbor's face and me hearing and seeing you come repeatedly to you inviting me over for dinner?” he asks. “Did you break up?”

“We never dated,” I laugh. “Also, dinner is the bonus. That’s not why I invited you over.”

“Then why?” he asks. I plate our food and set them on the island with our wine before gesturing for him to sit with me.

“I have spent my entire life as a loner. I avoided making connections because I was afraid of getting hurt or abandoned. This means I have never dated. I have never slept with the same person more than a few times, because I always was broken up with for being too distant. I have been told more times than I can count that I lack emotion. You had never seen me even smile, and I’ve worked for you since I was an intern,” I say.

“How does that lead to you asking me to come over?” he asks.

“Lucian wants something from me that I’ll never be able to give him, and it hurts,” I say. “It hurts that I will never be capable of giving myself to him entirely. It’s not fair to him. I had to make the choice to cut him out of my life, and now I’m back to being lonely. I’m trying to show myself that I can be alone and not be lonely. My mother did it and she was happy, by all accounts.”

“So, you want Lucian, but you feel like he will want more than you can give, so you want to fuck me instead?” he asks, and I laugh.

“I just want to forget that I miss him,” I say honestly.

“Let’s eat and we can go from there,” he says.

We switch our conversation to work as we eat. It’s a topic that doesn’t require much thought because it comes to me naturally. We talk long after our plates are empty, and we entirely wander into the living room to sit.

He pulls my legs into his lap and is gently rubbing my feet as we talk. I eventually move to sitting on my knees facing him while leaning against the back of the couch. He turns on the couch to face me more and stops talking.

“What?” I ask with a small smile.

“You say that you are not capable of giving him all of you, but I think you are,” he says.

“That is the weirdest way I have ever been rejected,” I laugh. “I am content just talking.”

“Elise, honey. I would love nothing more than to bend you over this couch and give you an evening where you can forget about everything bothering you, but you and I both know it won’t help anything,” he says as he gently tucks a stray hair behind my ear.

“Says who?” I laugh.

“Says the man behind you glaring at me,” he says with a smirk. I close my eyes and sigh when I feel hands on my shoulders, gently kneading my muscles.

“You called Lucian,” I say as I open my eyes and glare at Jake.

“He is my leader, so I am required to,” he says simply. “We are not allowed to touch someone marked by a leader or council member.”

I abruptly pull away from everyone and get off the couch to move across the room. “Get out,” I say.

“Sit, Elise,” Lucian says.

“Fuck you,” I bark. “Get the fuck out of my home. Both of you.”

“Sit,” he says with a warning in his voice.

“No. I’m done. I’m selling this goddamn house and moving. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this town is a fucking…” I start to say but stop when Lucian suddenly advances on me. He doesn’t put his hands on me, but he puts his hands on the wall to either side of my body.

“This town is a what, Elise?” he asks.

“A cult,” I say simply. “Your meetings and ritualistic public sex. You spy on everyone. You are apparently the leader of this bullshit. It’s a cult. My aunt. Or mother. Whatever. She was in a fucking cult, got raped, and gave me up. Now, she dragged me into this hell because she fucking died without giving me any answers. I should’ve fucking called the cops on you the first time I told you to go away, and you didn’t. The first time you broke into my fucking house while I was sleeping, I should’ve fucking killed you. Once again, I’m the dumbass who fell for it. I thought for once, maybe someone gave a shit, but all it was is an excuse to be used. For all I know, my mother's rapist is still in this fucking cult.”

“Are you done?” he asks.

“Sure, Leader . Preach to me about the gospel of whatever fucked up, perverted shit you guys have going on here. Tell me how I will be so lucky, to be a part of the movement ,” I say with as much attitude as I can manage.

“We are not a cult. We are a group of adults that for generations have decided that sex is human nature. Nothing is off limits, so long as everyone is consenting. Yes, we have certain rituals and traditions, but we are not a cult. I don’t have a gospel to preach. I simply am here to lead and encourage others. There’s no movement because not everyone is going to enjoy this lifestyle,” he says. “Don’t deny for a fucking second that you haven’t enjoyed every fucking moment of being a part of this. Do not sit there and lie to me or yourself and pretend like it doesn’t bring you peace. I saw it all over your face last week when you submitted to me, but it scares you. The closer I get to you, the more you push me away because you are fucking terrified that I’m going to hurt you, and I get it. I get that you are scared. I get that you are not used to someone wanting to commit to you and meaning it. The one and only person who sought you out and you developed a connection with died. If you need time, I will give you time. Just stop fucking lying to me.”

“You’ll leave just like everyone else. I’ll be left alone to pick up the pieces of my soul when you do. If you want to be responsible for me losing a part of myself when you inevitably disappear, fine. If you want me so badly, you can have me, but don’t fucking complain when I’m not what you think I am. I will never be the woman that you want. I will never be able to submit to you in the way you are asking. You will never be able to sleep peacefully next to me without enduring my violent nightmares that keep me up for days on end. You will never find the emotions in me that you want, because they don’t fucking exist anymore. When a grown man and his son raped me violently for hours, I lost the ability to truly be happy. I lost a piece of myself in that house that I will never get back. So, if that’s what you want, fine. Take it. Take whatever you want from me. Everyone else does, so what’s one more person?”

By the time I have said my piece, I am crying. Lucian wipes away my tears before gently kissing my forehead. “Take your medicine and get some sleep,” he says gently. “I’ve thrown enough at you for one evening.”

“I don’t take it anymore, but I’ll go lie down,” I say, sniffing back my tears.

“What? Why?” Lucian asks. “You can’t sleep without it.”

“I don’t like not being able to wake up,” I say. “I’ll be fine without it. You know the way out.”

“Jake, thank you for calling,” Lucian says.

“No problem,” he says. Lucian steps back to allow Jake to hug me. “You’re going to be okay.”

“I’ll talk to you in a few days. I’ll be submitting the software for testing soon,” I say. Jake nods before leaving. I turn and walk upstairs to my room, ignoring Lucian.

When I get to my room, I strip down to nothing before pulling on an oversized T-shirt. Before I can get underwear on, Lucian comes into the room.

“What do you want?” I snap.

“Take your medicine,” he says as he picks up the bottle and puts it in my hand.

“No,” I say, tossing it on my nightstand. Lucian growls as he picks it up again and shoves me back on the bed. I try to pull myself away, but he grabs my ankle and drags me closer before straddling my body so that my arms are pinned to my sides. “I’m not taking it.”

“How many hours have you slept in the last week?” he asks as he reads the bottle.

“Enough.”

“How much, Elise.”

“Two or three hours a night. Get the fuck off of me, Lucian,” I complain. He opens the bottle and takes two pills out before closing it back and tossing it somewhere else.

“Open your mouth,” he commands.

“No. Get off me,” I grumble.

“Elise, you were prescribed medicine for a fucking reason. Either you take it, or I’ll make you,” he says.

“Can’t assault someone unless they’re helpless and limp?” I ask.

Yeah… I shouldn’t have said that. That was not fair. I know I am just lashing out for shit that is not his fault. Based on the look in his eyes, he’s about to fuck me up, and I deserve it for repeatedly implying that he’s hurting me when he’s not.

“If I have to make you take your medicine, I’ll give you a reason to call it assault,” he growls. “Open your mouth.”

“Fuck you,” I growl.

Lucian moves off the bed and positions me so that my head is dangling off the bed. He grabs my face and forces my mouth open before pulling his cock out. “Last chance,” he says. I say nothing because I want him to do this. Lucian places two pills on my tongue before pushing his cock to as far down my throat as he can, pushing the pills down as well.

“Swallow,” he commands.

I do as I’m told, and he groans when my throat constricts around him. I put my hands on the backs of his thighs, but I don’t try to stop him. When he starts to fuck my mouth, he leans over my body and starts sucking on my clit. I moan around his cock as he fucks my mouth. He grabs a tight hold on my hips to pull me up from the bed slightly, and I dig my nails into the back of his legs.

My medicine starts to work in just under twenty minutes and this man can and has fucked my mouth for longer. Especially when he slows his pace like he keeps doing. He is intentionally drawing things out and edging me so that I get too tired to fight sleep before he stops. I counter this by sucking harder. The way he has me positioned; I have plenty of room to move my head. I am quickly getting tired, but I give it everything I can. His moans vibrate through my pussy and every time I moan, it pushes him closer to coming. I exaggerate my moans until they are near screams as he forces an orgasm out of me. He is still going, so I manage to reach around so I can cup and squeeze his balls. This entire experience is fucking incredible and everything I needed to get out of my thoughts.

I come once more before he leans up. He pulls my shirt up and gently kneads my breasts as he groans deeply. I am still doing everything I can to kill him with an orgasm. He matches my effort with relentless thrusts as his desperation to come takes over. He groans deeply as he comes, forcing me to drink him down.

When he pulls away, I am so fucking tired that I can’t move. He repositions me so that I am laying normally before lying on the bed in front of me. “I’m so tired,” I mumble.

“I know,” he says, kissing my forehead. “I’m sorry if I pushed you too far.”

“You didn’t,” I mutter and close my eyes. “I want to want you, but I’m afraid of losing you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Elise,” he says. I roll to my belly but keep my face turned to him. He starts rubbing my back and I start losing grip on consciousness.

“You promise?” I ask, trying to open my eyes to look at him.

“I promise, Elise. Stop fighting sleep like a toddler,” he says, making me smile.

“Why? You gonna punish me?” I mumble. He slaps my bare ass hard enough to send fire scorching across my skin, and I giggle. “Thank you for stalking me.”

“Shut up and go to sleep, Elise,” he laughs.

“Mmkay,” I sigh.

The last thing I remember before slipping into my dreams is his voice whispering in my ear. “I’ll wait for as long as it takes, my love. We were destined to be together,” Lucian says.