1. Chapter One

Chapter One

Chase

"Dude, you're driving me up the fucking wall!" David hollered at me for the millionth time today. "We've only been home a week and you're already climbing the walls. What gives?"

What gives? Great question.

I didn't like being alone, that much I already knew about myself. Now with all my best friends practically married I was odd man out and it did NOT sit well. Well, Rhone and Ely technically were husbands, so there was that. No more random hanging out or midnight jam sessions. No more Xbox live and cold, leftover pizza. No more… us and clearly, I was not handling it well.

"An outlet. I need an outlet. All the ones I have are all domesticated and shit." David flipped me off. "I'm serious. Whenever any of us got bored one of us would find a way to entertain the group. Now you're all paired up and I'm the outcast."

"Never an outcast, man, you're my best friend. I'd say I'm sorry we found our partners, but I'm not. I love you like a brother, Chase, and you'll find your person, I promise."

My person.

He said it like they were waiting right outside the door for me, or I could pick them up at the local grocery store. Aisle twelve, tall, dark and handsome has been restocked.

There'd be a mad rush of singles for that insanity.

I shivered at the thought. All those crazed humans rushing down the aisle. No thanks .

But I wasn't desperate for a partner so much as for… something . If the right person came along with it, then great, though it wasn't a hard requirement. What that something was, I couldn't say. My body was like, electrified or some shit as I paced the living room shaking my hands out. It was akin to the one time the microphone I used at a show shorted out and shocked me.

"Dude, I can't take much more of this. If you don't stop pacing I'm gonna duct tape your skinny ass to the kitchen chair." David wasn't kidding either, he'd do it.

"I'm just, ugh," I plopped down on the couch. "Fuck, man. I need…fuck all knows what I need but it's like I'm losing my fucking mind." Not sure I'd ever used that many fucks in one sentence before. My mind raced from the time I woke until the time I finally crashed, though as of late that wasn't for long. Four hours at the most was all the shut-eye I got since we came home from the mini-tour with Chaotic Abyss.

Thank fuck Josh fixed his issues with Masterson and our band brothers from Maiden Voyage and Social Sinners, or it could've gone way south. I was still surprised he and Stoli bonded as they had. I'd totally expected a full-blown fist-throwing fight between those two. Joey would've lost his shit if that happened .

"All those toys in your room and yet you play with none of them. What good are they?" David mumbled, fully engrossed in his Animal Crossing world.

"They're called collectibles, and they lose their value once they're open." I didn't have much growing up. My mom died shortly after she married my stepdad, and he got stuck raising me. Money didn't grow on trees and honestly, I never asked for anything. Just reverted inside myself and wrote my feelings down in a journal. At the time that's all it was, journaling, but now here it was years later, and we'd turned those random thoughts into money-making songs.

Who would've ever thought?

And with that first royalty check the toy collecting turned into an obsession. No one had to know that I talked to them through their boxes at night or about Miles, the teddy bear I hid under my pillow and only pulled out to cuddle when I was alone.

"So why not start buying two of everything? One to stare at and one to play with?" David suggested, but I had no answer.

Why hadn't I thought of that?

I'd been so hellbent on buying everything I never had that I'd forgot to satisfy…not sure what it's called. Like my inner child or something that screamed at me to play with all the toys they'd begged Santa for year after year only to be sorely disappointed when they literally got nothing. Now that I had the funds I'd gone a bit wild with the purchases yet hadn't allowed myself to fulfill the need to play with them.

As an adult, wasn't playtime frowned upon?

With fierce determination I ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time to my bedroom and slammed the door shut behind me.

Who was I pissed at? David for pointing out the obvious or myself for being oblivious?

"Okay, Chase, you can do this. Just pick one." Anticipation coursed through me and my hands shook as I talked myself through the process of unboxing a single toy.

I paced back and forth, eyeing every one of the hand-picked items that had taken the better part of the last year to find. The collection was so vast that two walls in my bedroom were now covered with shelves filled to the brim. Repeatedly, my eyes landed on my favorite one.

Poseable Spiderman, fourteen-inch figurine.

Gently, I slid it from its place, cradled the package in my hand and grabbed my phone. A quick search on the site I'd purchased it from revealed they had another.

Just. One. Other.

Bingo, baby!

"Added to cart and will be here by end of week." I spoke to the figure as I unboxed and gently removed it. "Ohhh, so shiny and new." I slid Miles from his hiding place and sat on the floor so he and Spidey could play.

"Good boy."

"Ahhh!!" I screamed and tossed the toys across the room and instantly regretted it. "Dude, what the hell?"

David walked across the room and picked them up then took a seat on the bed. I eyed my toys as they peered at me from in his clutches. "Here," he patted the bed beside him, "take a seat, Chase."

Here it comes, the what the hell is wrong with you, speech. You're an adult, not a freaking baby. Wait until the guys find out.

Scratch that last one. David would never betray me that way. He'd been my best friend forever, but I couldn't deny hearing those two words, good boy , and how they filled me with a warmth and desire I hadn't felt since my mother passed away.

As soon as I sat, he handed them to me.

"Don't be embarrassed, there's nothing wrong with playing with toys."

"There-there's not?"

"No, there's not. You know that club Jordan and I talk about, Cordes?" David's eyes were on me, not a hint of malice or teasing in them.

I nodded. "Yes. The BDSM one? "

"Yes, that one. I get the impression when I mention it or BDSM you think it's all about whips and chains given the way you cringe."

On cue I cringed. Couldn't help it.

"Exactly like that," David smiled. "But that's not what it's about. Well, some of it is but there's so much more to the lifestyle than just those elements. I've grown a lot, personally, in here," he tapped his head, "since I joined."

Still wasn't following, though no need to say the words aloud as my face gave the confused thoughts away.

"Let me cut to the chase, Chase," David laughed. "I'm a witty fucker."

I rolled my hand in the air for him to get on with it.

"I believe you're a little, Chase."

"Hey, I'm average height." Offended didn't even cover how I felt. David and I were the same height for fuck's sake.

"Let me ask you this, how do you feel when you talk to and play with your toys."

Toys, as if I played with more than one, well, two now.

I shrugged.

"Use your words, Chase. You know I'll never condemn nor make fun of you. You know Jordan and I don't live a conventional lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with that nor with wanting to play with toys and have fun. Remember, I've known you since we were kids. Your secrets will always be safe with me."

David was right on all counts. "I-I like it. They love me." I patted Miles's head and tightly tugged him to my chest.

"I love you, too, Buddy. Don't ever forget that and I'm here for you no matter what you need. Even if it's just an ear to bend. But back to Cordes. They have a pet play area as well as a littles' room. I'm going to forward you a link to Cordes along with some really helpful websites I've come across." He tapped away on his phone. David was one to always follow through. If he told me he'd do something I could guarantee it would be done.

David was with me through all the bad times. I practically lived at his house after my mom died. She and my stepdad, Johnny, had only been married a few months when a drunk driver hit her head on. Before then, Johnny played with me all the time but after that we hardly talked. I was so lost. I never knew my real dad or anything about him and I was only eight when I lost my mom and subsequently, the only father figure I'd ever known.

Johnny was never abusive, I had whatever I needed. Clothes, food, school supplies, but he no longer sat and did homework with me or tossed a ball around outside. It was like he died when my mom did .

"Maybe you need a Daddy?"

"You know Johnny hasn't been a part of my life since we moved into our first apartment." Not that he was before then, but I hadn't heard a word from him since graduation.

"No, Chase, a Daddy-daddy."

"What makes you think I'm gay?" Was I? No clue. Sex was the furthest thing from my mind given I'd never so much as kissed another human.

"You know, you're right. I shouldn't assume that and I apologize. Maybe you need a Mommy."

"Maybe, but I don't know how I identify." The words were barely a whisper as I admitted aloud one of the many things that plagued me.

"You'll know when you find the right person, and that's all that matters. Sexuality is very personal and isn't something to rush into or take a stab at. Well, it can be for some, but you are not that person. You're methodical and always think things through which is great, but if someone comes along that catches your attention, don't overthink it. Give them a chance but also don't ignore the red flags. Am I making any sense?" He shook his head at himself. "Sorry, I rambled."

"Yes. You're a Daddy. But that would be weird if you were my Daddy plus you have Jordan." This encroached upon the uncomfortable zone. With each word I just wanted to open another toy and play. Feeling weird inside usually led to me throwing up and I hated that.

Daddy .

The word came out before I had a chance to overthink it. Was I gay? I'd never put myself out there in any type of capacity and not so much out of fear but as in the idea had never crossed my mind. Sure, I'd had women and men hit on me and I played the role of the sexy singer while on stage, though offstage that wasn't me.

"Hey, Buddy, look at me." This whole calling me Buddy thing was new and so was the tone he used. "Yes, I'm Jordan's Daddy but I can be yours and play with you, too. Nothing sexual so wipe the look of horror off your face. Tell you what, check out the links I sent you. I'll order us a pizza and when it gets here you can tell me how you feel about what you read. Deal?" David and I didn't lie or keep things from each other so if anyone could help me figure out what was going on inside my overworked brain it would be him.

"'Kay. Jordan's at work?"

"Yeah. He and Ely had a catering gig tonight. I'm gonna run a quick errand, I'll be back before the pizza gets here. You okay?"

"Yes, David, I'm okay. I'm twenty-three, not two." Maybe.

"Understood. I'll be back soon. "

Once David shut the door I stared down at Spidey and Miles. "You two are going to be best friends like me and David. I just know it." But the urge to play had faded, replaced with the need to sift through whatever David had sent me.

Littles .

Sounded like babysitting to me and I was definitely not the person for that role.

So, I curled up on the bed with my toys, scrolled through the messages and clicked on the first link which took me to a page on the Cordes website. It was a brief overview of the various kinks their club catered to but required membership for anything past that page. I scrolled over to the calendar. They had specific nights dedicated to different kinks and mentioned a gathering called a munch for littles.

Food? Count me in.

All right, on to the next link.

Littles and their Mommies or Daddies are unique relationship dynamics within the BDSM community known as age play built on trust. Middles, Littles, Mommies, and Daddies come in all age ranges and types. In this unique exchange rules are established by each couple entering it beforehand. While some relationships do include portions of BDSM, others do not but a firm contract should be enacted before engaging.

Age play is when one of the partners digresses into a younger version of their self knowing that their Dom/Domme—Mommy or Daddy, will assume the role of caregiver and they are free to trust and let go. For some, being a little/middle is full-time, trusting their caregivers to care for all aspects of their needs from feeding and nurturing to controlling the finances, while others are part-time relationships and the littles/middles have jobs and handle their own finances, etc.

Again, the dynamic is determined by those involved but age digression is a form of therapy for many. A way to let go and be carefree knowing their partner will be there for them while they do in whatever capacity they require.

Many of these relationships are sexual in nature though not all are, especially while the little is in said headspace. Others are merely playtime, scheduled playdates where each party leaves once the session is over. There is no right or wrong way to live this lifestyle.

As with any relationship, open communication and determining what works for the partners involved will be the key to its success.

I heard the front door shut and ran downstairs to see if David was home.

"Hey, pulled up right as the pizza came," David said, his hands were full of bags while he juggled the pizza. "A little help?"

"Sorry." I grabbed the box and sat it on the coffee table. "What do you want to drink? "

"Soda, please."

When I returned to the living room, he had the TV on and was halfway through his first piece.

"Thanks. Anything you want to watch?" He pointed the remote at the TV. Currently it was on a series we'd been binging.

"This is fine. What's in the bag?"

David laughed. "Some things never change. You always were the one who couldn't wait for surprises."

"Surprises? Did you get something for me?" Ohhhh, excited bubbles ran through me, and I nearly made gimme hands but managed to refrain. But only just.

"Yeah, Buddy, I got you something. Here." David handed me the bag, and I tossed my slice into the box lid.

"Coloring books? Crayons? Race cars?" It was hard to contain the excitement. I wanted to color and play cars at the same time but that could be a disastrous cheesy mess. "Thank you." Not what I expected but by the same token I was super excited. "What made you get me these?"

"The response I just received and honestly, what I fully expected. My assessment was spot on, you're a little, Chase." He took another bite of pizza as though his explanation wasn't as earth shattering as it was .

"Maybe, or maybe I just like toys." David cocked a knowing brow. "Maybe."

"Maybe. Did you get a chance to check out those links I sent or were you too busy swinging from web to web with Spidey?"

My face flushed, but he didn't mean it negatively. "I clicked through a couple, ended up in a blog of some sort. But it, um, it wasn't as scary as I thought."

"Nor should it be. I've played with a couple of littles at Cordes and while that's not the kind of Daddy I am, I did have fun with them. If it's discretion you're worried about, I can promise you the club enforces that rule to the max. Jordan and I have had zero issues with anonymity, and many don't even use their real names there anyway."

I couldn't deny, curiosity had me in its grasp accompanied by a nagging desire to color the cute puppy pages in one of the books he bought me.

"Why don't you finish your pizza then you can color."

"Thank you."

Who was that? That voice wasn't mine. It was far too…young.

David sat everything out while I ate. Two coloring books, a big box filled with a million shades of crayons, and five race cars screaming to zoom all over the floor.

What in the hell was wrong with me?

"Deep breath, Bud. It's okay to want these things. "

"How do you know what I'm thinking?" I didn't know what these thoughts were or how to explain them, so how did he?

"Your face screams entering panic mode , but your antsy arms reaching for the books until you retract them are fully onboard. Chase, being a little isn't a bad thing and given our life, having an outlet is the only way any of us will survive the madness of being in the public eye."

I wiped my hands and slid to the floor in front of the coffee table, then slowly flipped through the pages of the puppy coloring book. Swiping, swiping, ooh that one has a fireman hat on. Swiping, swiping. Eeep! This pup has little chicken friends. Okay, start at the beginning, Chase.

I lost track of time, switching between the puppy and kitten coloring books and driving the cars over the pages. When was the last time I forgot about life and all it entailed and let go? No schedules, no rehearsals, no hyping myself up to get on stage and perform.

The early years of Embrace were a nightmare. I hated crowds yet my dumbass was the one that entered us into the contest that landed us at our first Rocktoberfest and our contract with Masterson Management. I was the shy, introverted one but we'd had enough of dive bar gigs and shitty day jobs, so I took a chance, and it paid off.

More or less.

Minus the infamous incident with our manager, Easton Masterson's mother. That woman was out of her mind. Thank fuck Sal and Easton knew I had nothing to do with her attacking me in their restroom. Huh, come to think of it that's when everyone assumed I was gay.

Did they know something I didn't?

I was too shocked to correct anyone. Our first meeting with Masterson and Social Sinners—so fucking embarrassing.

Once the nervous puking subsided, I embraced my alter ego—Chase Prescott's on-stage persona, and for those few hours during a show I could do that. It was the adrenaline crash afterwards that always kicked my ass.

Who knew coloring could be so enlightening? My mind was clearer, calmer, so much so I hadn't heard Jordan come in. It was when a piece of cheesecake slid in front of me that I looked up and saw him there.

"Having fun?" he asked. For the most part, Jordan was cool. He loved David and that's what really mattered, but Jordan had a naughty side and liked to be spanked. That I knew wasn't for me. I never liked getting into trouble which was why I pretty much kept to myself. Sometimes he was snarky and kinda mean so I did my best to avoid him when I could.

"Thank you." Jordan patted my head and walked away. Guess that was enough interaction for him, which was fine. This puppy wasn't gonna color himself.

"There!" I stared down at the now brown and pink spotted puppy on the page. His bright smile stared up at me.

"All done, Buddy?" Buddy had grown on me since David began using it. It was a nice break from rockstar Chase.

"Yup. He's cute."

"Yes, he is. I'd ask if you want to put him on the fridge, but I'll leave that up to you."

"It's okay, I'll keep him in the book with all his friends." I put the crayons back in the box and cleaned everything up. "Oh, you put the food away. Sorry I didn't help."

"No worries, you were busy creating. How do you feel?"

How did I feel? "Honestly, relaxed. Less stressed. Thank you for the new stuff."

"You are very welcome." David hugged me. He always knew what I needed and when. "Now, I have a suggestion. You can take it or leave it, but I think you should at least check it out."

"Oh ya, what's that?" David was full of great ideas tonight, so I was all ears.

"I took the liberty of setting you up with a free pass at Cordes tomorrow night. It'll be waiting for you at the check-in desk. Up to you if you accept it but I think you might like what you find there."

Was I ready for that?

Probably wouldn't hurt to at least look, right?