19. Chapter Nineteen

Toweling off my wet curls, I pulled on a fresh pair of pajama pants and a loose T-shirt, glad to feel clean again. It was amazing how good a shower could make you feel. Distantly from downstairs, I could hear the faint sounds of conversations and movement throughout my house. Orders being given by the tiny, colorful omega that Finn had introduced as his husband, Wade.

Wade had stood in my house for all of five minutes, walking in a small circle, before declaring, “This won’t do. This just won’t do. Not on my watch.” In short order, he had snapped his fingers at the three huge alphas that had trailed behind him.

When I had stated, “I’m a capable omega,” Wade had given me an amused look.

“Well, of course you are. But what in the world do you think alphas were put on this earth for, if not to do our bidding? You just sit there and look pretty–though to be honest, you could do with a shower and probably some food–and just tell them where you want things moved to. Order them about. It’s fine. Trust me, they’re used to it. Finn is for sure.”

All the alphas gathered were ridiculously tall and broad, extremely handsome, and possibly identical when they were younger. Which was confirmed by Wade when I had voiced the question out loud.

“Meet the Sinclair quads,” he waved a hand and issued rapid-fired introductions to the group. “They are identical, but now that they’re grown theyre pretty easy to tell apart. Hair color and facial hair is the easiest way, if you don’t spend a ton of time around them. They all have completely different personalities, trust me. Lachlan has the perpetual five o’clock shadow going on, and the gray at his temples. He’s married to my bestie, Quinn, who is working right now, but will be by when he closes The Sweet Spot. If you haven’t been there yet, you need to check it out. Best coffee and baked goods around. Brendan has the salt and pepper–mostly salt–hair and sometimes wears glasses. Shorter hair and no beard. He’s with Ryan. Finn you know, and he’s my tall drink of alpha fantasticalness.”

“Fantasticalness?” I repeated, confused by the word.

The omega with the British accent walked by with a box, “He makes up words. It’s disturbing, but you’ll eventually get used to it.”

Wade shrugged, “That’s Sebastian, but you can call him Bash. He’s with Jamie. The one with the midnight hair, dresses in a lot of black, and will always be sucking on something. Total oral fixation, that one. He says it’s because he quit smoking those horrible cigars but we all know the truth.” He waggled his brows at me, grinning, like we were sharing a secret. “You’ll probably end up spending more time with Jamie and Bash than anyone. Well, maybe Ryan and Brendan since Ryan works for you now.”

Ryan, a young omega, with mossy green eyes, reddish blond hair and a quick smile, had waved at me shyly.

“Why would I spend more time with Jamie and Bash?” It was hard for me to put the names with the faces, as several of them had immediately been charged with moving furniture wherever I pointed. And I still felt like my brain wasn’t completely online yet.

“He and Becks are besties,” Wade had informed me, then had run assessing gray eyes over me and I had fought the urge to squirm. Or sniff myself, because I could really use a shower, he wasn’t wrong. “When’s the last time you had a decent meal?”

When I couldn’t come up with a response fast enough, he had shaken his head, pushing me towards the stairs. “Go take a shower. It will do you good. We’ll get food ordered.”

“But,” I had protested, “Julianna–”

“Is sleeping soundly,” he had pointed to my sofa where Ryan was sitting, happily holding my sleeping daughter. She seemed oblivious to all the noise and movement going on around her.

“She’s okay,” Wade told me softly, “and you will be too. Having a new baby is hella stressful. I couldn’t have done it without Finn. And the Mama M’s–his mom, Mary, and my adopted mom, Maeve–plus family and friends. It’s the most exciting time, but then they just hand you this little person, who depends on you for every single thing, and you’re just supposed to know what to do with them. It’s exciting, and overwhelming, and fucking terrifying.”

It was all of that plus about a thousand other things.

“Add in all the other stuff,” he waved a hand around the chaos that was currently my house, filled with virtual strangers and movement that seemed to come from every room, “the move, the baby, the alpha who lays the bomb on you that he’s your fated mate and then can’t act right. No one expects you to know what you’re doing, Wyatt. It’s okay to need some help.”

Swallowing hard, I asked, “How did you know? About Grayson? Did Finn tell you?”

“Finn takes patient confidentiality very seriously.” He shook his shocking hair of black and orange, then lowered his voice, “I know everything about everything, all the time. But Becks told us while we were outside. And Jamie and Bash filled in the rest. None of us are happy with Becks right now, let me tell you.” He made a shooing motion with his hands, herding me up the stairs. “Shower. Clean clothes. You’ll be amazed how much better you feel. Then food.”

That had been about forty-five minutes ago, and my stomach was rumbling angrily. But Wade had been right; the shower had felt so good I had stayed in longer than I had planned. Walking into my bedroom, I stopped short at the alpha who was lounging in the doorway, leaning casually against the open door.

“Jamie, right?” I wasn’t uneasy in his presence, just wary, knowing he and Grayson were close.

“Can we chat?” Hearing my stomach rumble, he frowned. “I promise to make it quick. We ordered pizza.”

Wrapping my arms around my waist, because I didn’t know what to do with my hands, I nodded uneasily, “Okay, I guess.”

He stepped further into the room, then gestured towards my bed. “Sit, please. I’ll–” he looked around the mess that was my bedroom, then decided there was no place for him to sit except for the bed. “I’ll just stand.”

I could have offered him room next to me on my bed, but I didn’t know him and that just seemed weird. The entire day had been strange, so I shouldn’t have been surprised to find him waiting for me.

Not knowing what to say, I waited for him to speak. I wished he would hurry up, because I was absolutely starving. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday when after I had thrown Grayson out–which was starting to become a theme with us– I had quickly inhaled some toast while trying to get Julianna to sleep. That seemed like a lifetime ago.

“I’m not here to give you the best friend speech,” Jamie finally said, and I snorted.

“Good, because I don’t think I want to hear ‘you hurt my friend, I’ll hurt you’, if it’s all the same.”

Jamie laughed loudly, then laughed some more, finally wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh my Goddess, that’s funny. You’re funny, Wyatt. Yeah, noooo,” he drawled, “I’m here to say my best friend’s been acting like an idiot, and it’s not like him at all. I just thought you should know that.”

Chewing on my bottom lip, I finally asked, “Why?”

“Why is he acting like an idiot?”

I shook my head. “Why is it important for me to know?”

Jamie put his hand on a stack of boxes, testing their stability, before he leaned his bulk into them. “Because Becks is one of the best men I’ve ever known. I trust him with my life. I have trusted him with my life, and I don’t trust easily. I’m not going to make excuses for his behavior, and I’ve told him how I feel about what he did last night. It was wrong on so many levels, I don’t even know where to begin with it.”

Clasping my fingers together tightly, my jaw clenched, “It was terrifying.”

“I know.”

“First, I had all these horrible things I imagined had happened when I realized she hadn’t woken me up crying all night. Then when I found her crib empty…” A shiver ran through me at the memory.

Had it just been that morning? This day felt like it had gone on forever. I wanted food, to cuddle my baby, quiet, and a nap. Not that I wasn’t appreciative of all the help, but all the strange people moving around in my space was overwhelming. People who seemed intent on helping me, even though I had never met them before today. With the exception of Finn, but that had been a purely professional relationship before this morning.

I had colleagues in my life, students, people who wanted something from me, because I could do something for them. Not me, but my brain. But I didn’t have anyone I would call an actual friend.

Maybe you should put that on your list,my giraffe suggested. Maybe they were right. Mentally, my mind pulled up my ‘things I want to do’ list and added make a friend. Shaking my head, I crossed it off and changed it to make friends.

Jamie watched me, his ice blue eyes like cold fire. I probably had spaced out for a few seconds. I tended to do that when I was mentally rearranging my lists, at least that’s what people told me.

“What he did was unequivocally wrong, but I know he meant it from a good place.” Jamie rubbed a hand through his dark hair.

Was he kidding me?

“Food’s here!” Someone shouted up the stairs, and I winced, hoping all the noise going on didn’t wake up the baby.

Like he could read my mind, Jamie remarked, “You want to get the baby used to noise, trust me. If not, you’ll never get anything done.”

“The books say–”

“Toss the books, Wyatt. You want to know something, ask anyone downstairs. Between us, we have eight kids, I think.” He counted quietly, his mouth moving, “Yep, eight. Plus, Gabe and Asher have two, so there’s always kids everywhere. Various ages, and tons of personalities.”

Frowning, I stared down at my hands. They were trembling. I really needed to eat. The smell of the tangy sauce and cheese was drifting upstairs, and my stomach clenched.

“Can we go eat?” Whatever he wanted to say in his friend’s defense could wait.

“I’ll make this quick,” he folded his arms over his chest, his black T-shirt stretching across his muscles. He pulled out a hard candy from his pants pocket, holding it out in offering. I shook my head, giving him a small smile of thanks. Sugar was the last thing I needed.

“Becks is acting nuts because you’re fated mates,” Jamie held up a hand, silencing whatever I was going to say. “I get that you don’t believe in them, and that’s fine. I think most people don’t. But everyone in your house downstairs is fated, so it kind of made believers of us all. Becks is the most reliable, rational, calm person I have ever met. Believe me when I say the way he’s been acting around you, is not normal for him. His alpha pheromones are going a bit nuts having his mate and pup so close. We’re hardwired to protect our omegas, to see that they are cared for. I think–I know–that’s what he’s been trying to do. I know, I know, his delivery was a huge fail. We’ve had words about it. Just…he’s a good guy. A really good guy.”

Not knowing how I should respond, I sorted and analyzed what Jamie had told me.

“Try not to be too hard on him, is all I’m saying. He means well, he’s just being ruled by his pheromones.”

Both of us looked up when we heard footsteps, and then Bash poked his head in the room. He gave us a questioning look, before asking, “All right?”

Jamie shoved off from the boxes, smiling warmly at his husband, “Just telling Wyatt that Becks isn’t usually such an idiot.”

Bash rolled his eyes, “It is very out of character of him. Let’s eat, and you can decide if you want any of the furniture moved into different spots.”

Smiling wanly, I followed them downstairs where the food waited. I had a lot to think through.

The voices drifted around me, muffled, and not really registering. Snuggling down into the sofa, I tried to adjust my body to a more comfortable position. One hand rubbed Julianna’s back, where she was snuggled against my chest.

Wade and Bash had reiterated Grayson’s advice that I needed to relax when holding her. The omegas, especially Ryan, had been encouraging and offered me tips and tricks. Ryan might be the youngest of the group, but he worked at the daycare and had a ton of experience with babies, including his own daughter.

I still felt overwhelmed by parenthood, coming to terms with the fact that Julianna wasn’t all that impressed with me, and that it was a lot harder than I had thought it would be. But they’d all told me they had all felt the same things at one point or another, and it was perfectly normal.

My belly full of cheesy pizza, I had fed Julianna a bottle and then dozed off with her in my arms. I hadn’t gone into a deep sleep. It was the kind where you sort of drifted, and could still hear the sounds and voices around you.

Suddenly, I felt gentle hands scoop under the baby, and lift her off me. My arms flailed for her, and I tried to open my eyes, but they felt heavy. “Shh, she’s fine. Ryan is putting her down in her crib.”

Those same arms slid under me, swinging me into the air like I was weightless. My eyes blinked open, and I stared into Grayson’s dark orbs. “Don’t fuss at me, Wyatt. I’m just carrying you up to bed, and then I’ll go. I promise.”

Go? I hadn’t even known he’d returned. Not having the energy to argue with him, I did what I wanted to do and rested my head on his shoulder, breathing in his dark, spicy scent. Why did he have to smell so good all the time? It wasn’t fair.

He whispered to someone, Ryan probably, then he was gently leaning down and depositing me in between my sheets. Feeling the bed dip, I opened my eyes. Grayson stretched out next to me, on top of the blankets. Dusky shadows filled the room. It was probably way too early for me to be in bed, but all the omegas today had said the best thing I could do was to nap when the baby napped, at least for the first few weeks while my body healed. And the last few days had exhausted me.

Grayson brushed a curl back that had fallen over my forehead his eyes soft, “Wyatt, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting.”

“Jamie said your alpha pheromones are making you act crazy.” My voice was croaky from sleep.

“Something like that,” his eyes burned into me, “doesn’t make it right, though. I drew up some papers for you to look over. A tentative co-parenting agreement. I promise I will do my best not to be an overbearing, pushy, have everything-my-way alpha.”

Frowning, I asked, “Did Jamie make you say that last part?”

Laying there in the semi-darkness with him, in my bed with a blanket barrier, somehow felt more intimate than anything we had ever done. It was strange, but it was somehow more raw and honest.

“He may have strongly suggested it,” he smiled, but it wasn’t wide enough for his dimples to come out, and a stab of disappointment hit me.

Licking my lips, I thought about what he had said, then responded honestly. “I’ll look over the papers. I need some time, though. I can’t have you here. Not right now. I need to bond with Julianna, and I can’t do that with you here. And I need to think about everything between you and me. I’ll let you know when you can see her.”

He looked hurt, but I couldn’t help what he was feeling. Surprisingly, he didn’t argue, just nodded his acceptance of what I wanted. What I needed.

“And I don’t appreciate you implying to Finn that I might have post-partum omega syndrome,” I told him, because I needed to address that and how it had made me feel. “Just because of a few tears. Anyone would have reacted the same way after what you pulled. I was scared and angry at you, but I don’t want to harm myself or Julianna. That made me feel like you don’t think I’m capable of taking care of my child. And that wasn’t fair. I didn’t need that on top of everything else I’m dealing with now.”

He winced, looking truly upset at how his actions had made me feel. “I’m sorry, I really am. I was just worried about you. There was so much crying. And full disclosure, I am not good with crying omegas. Ask Jamie, he can tell you. But you’re right. I acted like a complete asshole. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel any of the things you did. I really was just trying to help. You want to do it all yourself, and I just want to make things easier, but I made them ten times worse.” At my raised brow, he amended, “Twenty times worse.” I moved my thumb upwards and he snorted, “A hundred times worse?”

Nodding, I agreed, “Close enough.”

“Can we get past it, for Jules’ sake?” his hand caressed my jaw, his thumb rubbing gently on the underside of my chin. Against my better judgement, I wanted to sink into his touch. “I want to be in her life.”

“I’ll try,” I told him, telling my treacherous body to stop thinking how good his touch felt. I did want to get beyond all this craziness for Julianna’s sake.

He brushed the hair off my forehead again. I needed a haircut, badly. “I want to be in your life, too, Wyatt.”

“You didn’t want me.” And I didn’t need or want a mate. But there were parts of me that wanted Grayson. So much.

“I know. I was wrong.”

It was hard for me to believe that his change of mind wasn’t solely to do with the baby. “I…I’m not sure what I want.” I admitted.

He nodded, “That’s fair.”

“I have so many new things I’m dealing with right now. A new business, moving across the country, a baby, and I didn’t plan on a mate. And I know it makes no sense for me to be upset, but it still feels like you rejected me all those months ago. I shouldn’t care because I didn’t want a mate, but it still fucking hurts. I don’t know what to do with those feelings, I just don’t. I know I’m probably making little sense, but it is what it is. I need to sort out my life right now, and Julianna has to be my first priority. I can’t promise you anything beyond that.”

Taking a deep breath, I added, “I’m not submissive all the time. I can’t be that.”

“Didn’t you like what we did that night?” he questioned.

“Yes, I liked it, but it was a scene. I can’t be in that headspace all the time. I don’t want to be submissive twenty-four seven.”

Grayson’s dark eyes widened, “I don’t want you to. I…like being in charge, I’m not going to lie. It just comes naturally to me, but I don’t want a sub all the time, Wyatt. If I did, I could have had it years ago, or at any given time. I like your fire, your independence. I like you standing up to me and calling me out on my bullshit. Truth be told, I probably needed someone in my life to do that before now.”

“I’m just having a hard time believing that you suddenly have decided after all these months that you want a mate, when you didn’t before. It’s too fast. It doesn’t make sense to me, and I need things to make sense, Grayson. It’s just how my brain works.”

His lips pressed together in a firm line, and he looked fierce, but I was coming to quickly learn that was just Grayson. “There’s not been one day–not one–since I left you asleep in that room, since I walked out on you, that I haven’t thought about you. I didn’t know your name, or how to find you, but you invaded my life, my dreams. Can you honestly tell me that I haven’t affected you the same way? Tell me you haven’t thought of me too, and I’ll go. I’ll leave you in peace, and we’ll do our best to figure out how to raise Jules.”

My teeth scraped my bottom lip nervously. “I can’t tell you that, because I haven’t been able to forget you. But I still need you to go. For now. Please, just give me some time.”

He looked hurt, but after a minute of us staring at each other not speaking, he pushed up from the bed. “Please let me know if you need anything, and when I can see Jules.”

And then he walked out of my room and did exactly what I asked him to do.

He left me alone, and it felt ten times worse than it had when I’d woken up alone in the hotel room.