Chapter 18

18

Ryeson

B rennon takes a seat next to me, looking at the vacant spot across the table.

“You two still aren’t talking?”

I shake my head, shoving another bite of tasteless food into my mouth. Baylor won’t even look at me. I didn’t just lose the guy I’m in love with, I lost my best friend.

“Whatever the hell you did to piss him off, just apologize for it, shake hands and move the fuck on. He’s been walking around the school like a zombie.”

If only it were that simple. This isn’t something we can just brush under the table. I hurt him. Deep. I broke his heart, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’m never going to be able to give him what he wants. I can’t give him a future.

“Hey, does anyone know where Baylor is?” Kyler asks, as he takes his seat. “I need to talk to him about the Costa Rica trip.”

“He’s not going,” Chase states, pinning me with a look. “He told me yesterday that he was bailing on us.”

“Fuck!” Kye turns to face me too. “You two need to get over your shit. Whatever is going on between the two of you, you both need to figure out how to let it go. We graduate in eight days and then we’re off to college. This is our last big trip together and it’s not going to be the same without him.”

Yeah, I know it fucking won’t. Nothing is the same without him. I can’t eat or sleep. Or take a fucking breath. It feels like I’m missing a piece of myself. But a simple apology won’t fix this. However, as I look at the guys staring at me, I know I need to try.

“Yeah, I’ll go talk to him.”

I shove my tray away and head to the library. In all the years we’ve been in this school, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him study in here, but now he’s setting up residence until graduation day.

I take a seat across from him and his eyes pop up from his phone. He looks exactly how I feel. Like death warmed over.

“Hey, Bay!”

His head barely tips, and his eyes go back to whatever YouTube video he was watching before I interrupted. He always falls prey to videos anytime he’s trying to numb the stress. Now, he’s trying to numb the pain I caused.

“Listen, I know I’m the last person you want to speak to right now, but there’s something I need to get off my chest.” His eyes lift as the noise coming from his speaker stops. “It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. But I can’t give you what you want. I’m not fearless like you. Bay. You live your life without apologies, but I’m fucking terrified of the backlash. I’m terrified of what people will think, and how they’ll treat us. I’m terrified of disappointing my mom and not giving her grandkids like she wants. I’m sorry, man. I wish it was in the cards for us but it’s not.”

“So what? Did you come in here to rip my heart open again and pour salt in my wound?”

“No. I came in here to ask you to come on the trip with us. We’ve all been in school together for years, and this is going to be the last time we’re together for who knows how long. The guys are crushed you’re not coming. Chase even mentioned canceling it since you weren’t going to be there.” I embellish a little. “Look, I know you hate me right now, but can you at least consider it?”

His eyes drop to his phone. They just aren’t the same anymore. There’s no light behind their depths. No spark of mischief. No lust. No Baylor. And the worst part is, I did this to him.

“Fine,” he says. “I’ll go. But not for you. I’m going for them.”

And the knife plunges in deeper.

“Thanks, man.”

His eyes drop back to his phone, and I’ve lost him again. He’s not just numb to me, he’s numb to the world. The tears sting my eyes, and I stalk out of the library, heading straight to my car. I can’t be here anymore. And as soon as we get back from Costa Rica, I’m moving into my dorm. Everything reminds me of my best friend, and it all hurts too fucking much.