Chapter 36

Like at so many other points over the last two years, Darcy found the strength to set aside his personal sentiments in favour of his sister’s needs. By dinner, she seemed to be in good spirits, and as they ate, she and Fitzwilliam chatted about how they might amuse themselves for the next week, after which, he would return to his military duties.

“Perhaps once our cousin leaves, we should go to Romsley Hall for a time. Our cousin Reed wrote that they hope to visit later this month or early next month, but we could spend a week or so with the earl and countess before then. What do you think, Georgiana?” Darcy asked.

“They would be very happy to see you. You ought to go, if not immediately, then after the Reeds have been,” Fitzwilliam said before Georgiana had a chance to express her opinion. To Darcy, he added, “If you cannot remain, you know Mother would happily keep Georgiana with her.”

Darcy hoped his sister did not hear the disapproval with which their cousin spoke to him. Fitzwilliam was far from reconciled to Darcy’s reasons for welcoming the Bingleys and Elizabeth to Pemberley.

“I suppose I would like it, but only if my brother was there too.”

Darcy smiled at Georgiana and nodded, silently saying that of course he would remain with her if that was her wish.

They went into the drawing room together after eating, and Georgiana spent above an hour playing the pianoforte. When she announced her intention of retiring for the night, Darcy said that he would do likewise.

“Unfortunately, I might be occupied with estate matters tomorrow,” Darcy said. “Fitzwilliam, you will not mind entertaining Georgiana on your own, will you?”

“We shall hardly miss you.”

Fitzwilliam chuckled, but Darcy doubted he was joking. He stood aside as his cousin and sister said their good nights, then wrapped Georgiana’s hand around his elbow and led her to her apartment.

“Must you attend to your work all day?” Georgiana asked.

“I shall attempt to finish it as expeditiously as possible, but I can make no promises. If Fitzwilliam were not here to keep you company, I would arrange my time differently, but this way, I hope it will free me from needing to do much for the rest of his stay.”

She accepted his explanation, clumsy though it sounded to his ears. In truth, Darcy desperately wanted to be alone to wallow in his misery over Elizabeth and Bingley. If he could do that for four or five hours, he was almost certain he would soon feel much more capable of being the brother his sister deserved.

Darcy spent an hour or two with his steward the next morning and spoke to Mrs Annesley about his sister and what they might try to improve her health, but what he most sought during Georgiana and Fitzwilliam’s absence was solitude. He sat in his study and informed the butler he was not to be disturbed unless Pemberley was collapsing around him. He wrote a long letter to Elizabeth, apologising and vowing that he would be happy for her if she married Mr Grey or another gentleman, despite accepting that he would love only her for the rest of his life and could never marry another.

Excising her from his heart had never been a possibility once she entered it; he was certain she was the lady he was meant to be with, and nothing would alter that. He wrote a shorter note to Bingley, thanking him for the years of their friendship and wishing him well. Once that was done, he burnt both letters. The writing exercises helped to settle his mind, but only a little.

Some time later, Fitzwilliam entered the study, poured himself a glass of wine, and sat in a leather armchair on the other side of the desk from Darcy, all without saying a word.

“Where is Georgiana?” Darcy asked.

“With Mrs Annesley. What really happened with Bingley?”

Darcy sighed and ran a hand over his forehead. “He learnt of my history with Elizabeth and did not feel it was right for them to stay. He is angry and disappointed that I did not tell him myself.”

“Good.” The word was clipped, and Fitzwilliam paused to sip his wine before going on. “I was sorely tempted to tell him that their presence here was inappropriate and ask him to leave myself since you would not do it. Do you feel better for taking the day to wallow in your misery?”

“I had work to tend to,” he insisted, resenting the accusatory tone of his cousin’s question.

Fitzwilliam gave a snort of laughter. “I am sure there were one or two things demanding your attention, but do not lie to me, Darcy. You wanted to be alone to think about your tragic lost love. You know I think highly of Elizabeth Bennet?—”

“Do I?” Darcy’s head jerked backwards, and his brow arched. “You have spoken against her often enough since last October.”

The colonel’s features tightened. “I spoke against you marrying her. If it were just a matter of it being a poor match for you, I would have said nothing, but given how much it distresses Georgiana, it would have been unconscionable on your part.”

“Why are we speaking of this again?” Darcy interjected. “If it has escaped your notice, I did not marry her.”

“No, you did not, and indeed, we have spoken of it too often. We would not have to if you would accept that she is part of your past. Unfortunately, so might your friendship with Bingley be. It seemed unlikely it would survive, given he married another Bennet.”

“You, who have never been in love, are telling me to simply, what, forget about her?” Growing agitated, Darcy stood and went to the window because it gave him a ready excuse to turn his back to Fitzwilliam. Heat was building in his body, beginning in his gut and spreading outwards.

“Yes. Do you have any idea what it is doing to Georgiana to see you like this? You are a fool if you believe she remains ignorant of your unhappiness. She spoke of little else during our excursion.”

Without meaning for it to happen, Darcy spoke with more raw feeling than he usually did. Still taking in the view from the window, he said, “Am I not even allowed this? A few hours to experience my regrets in private rather than impose them on Georgiana and you? I might have lost an old, dear friend—to say nothing of Elizabeth, whom I might never see again.”

Darcy turned and regarded Fitzwilliam. Pressure was building behind his eyes; it would be humiliating to cry in front of his cousin, but it might finally make him understand just how deeply he had been injured by recent events. “You speak as though it should be easy for me to forget my attachment to Elizabeth. I love her and have loved her for two years. She is the only woman I have ever met that I dreamt of spending my life with, having children with, and growing old with her by my side. I am very sorry I could not set aside my sentiments to take a pleasant drive about the estate with you and Georgiana—that I dared to take a few hours to myself, knowing you were here to care for her. Not for the world do I want my sister to see how…how difficult this is for me. She suffers enough. She suffers, I suffer, Elizabeth suffers—when does it end? How much more shall I be asked to sacrifice? I have already given up Elizabeth.”

Georgiana stood with her hand outstretched, almost touching the door to her brother’s study. She had come to find him and Fitzwilliam. She had enjoyed herself that day, more than she had in over a week—really, since her brother told her Miss Bennet and the Bingleys would be staying at Pemberley. As always, her cousin was solicitous, and he understood why she had disliked seeing Miss Bennet constantly. He listened patiently while she told him of being worried for her brother and said everything reassuring. They had talked of convincing him to go to Romsley early, perhaps in two- or three-days’ time. With more people around, his spirits would recover faster, as would hers.

Georgiana did not tell her cousin that she knew she was to blame for her brother’s dark mood, or that she was very confused by Miss Bennet. Did she or did she not love Darcy? Why had she agreed to come to Pemberley? She must have known it would hurt him! Perhaps it was to punish her for preventing their marriage, but she did not want to believe that. Miss Bennet had been unexpectedly kind on the two occasions they had spoken, and she had tried to avoid her, which she appreciated. While Miss Bennet might not hate her—or so she claimed—Georgiana knew that she should.

At present, hearing her brother’s speech about sacrificing his future, the fleeting moments of feeling almost like herself again that she had experienced earlier were gone, blown away by the strong gust of self-recrimination, and replaced with a black cloud.

If she were not here, her adored brother could seek his happiness. He could go to Miss Bennet and propose, tell her there were no more obstacles between them. She would be overjoyed, and any thought of another man would be gone. Miss Bennet should not marry Mr Grey or anyone other than Darcy. It would break his heart, and he had given up enough, borne enough sorrow and loneliness because of Georgiana.

Unconsciously, she began to bite one of her knuckles as she turned away from the door and slowly made her way to her chamber. She needed to free Darcy from the burden of caring for her, of having to order his life for her, whatever that meant to his own happiness. There was only one way Georgiana knew to do it. She could not hurt herself, not in a final way. Even though he should not, Darcy would feel guilty, as though he might have stopped her. He would have to live with the memory of burying her, and she remembered how he had looked the day of their father’s funeral. He had seemed lost and so much smaller than usual.

The best thing she could do for him would be to go away. She would leave, and then Darcy might do whatever he liked with his life, beginning with marrying Miss Bennet. He would have the future he had spent so long dreaming of.

Alone in her bedroom, Georgiana plotted her departure. She was not exactly sure where she would go or how to arrange her travel, but she was clever enough to sort it out.

The next morning, she slipped out of the house, leaving a note for Darcy, assuring him she would be well and he should forget about her. She thanked him for everything he had done for her and apologised for not being a better sister to him.