Chapter 20

Darcy reached the gate long before he expected Elizabeth would come. He feared that if she arrived first and did not see him, she would leave. He had been awake the night through, planning the words he would say to her with a mix of anticipation and trepidation. If he were exceedingly fortunate, he would leave the meeting an engaged man, or, at the very least, reconciled with Elizabeth and with an idea of how—together—they would convince Georgiana and his family that their union would harm no one, especially not his sister.

He watched her approach, her long, deep-red coat making her look even lovelier than usual. Her steps were assured, and when she saw Darcy, she said a few words to the footman trailing her, who remained where he was while she continued forwards. He led her to a quiet, out-of-the-way spot where they were unlikely to be interrupted, the servant moving slightly to keep his mistress in sight. Once they stopped, Elizabeth fixed Darcy with a look that said she was listening. However, his words failed him, and he remained silent.

Either she was impatient or the pause was longer than he had realised, because she spoke. “I cannot remain long. Jane and Bingley will miss me, and I would rather not explain this to them.” She gestured between them, her action and tone dismissive.

Licking his lips to give them much-needed moisture, he said, “It is about why I said what I did in December. I did not tell you everything.”

Elizabeth stilled instantly, her expression wary.

“The reason why I could not, why I did not, return to Hertfordshire as expected was Georgiana. Not-not simply because she does not think you would be an appropriate wife for me but because…because it was you. I am explaining this very poorly. It is about that summer and Wickham.” He tasted bile just thinking of it.

Her expression eased, and she seemed attentive and curious.

“My sister suffered greatly after Ramsgate. I did not know whether she would recover, whether she would wish to…go on living or find a way to do it. My mother was the same. She felt things, difficult things, too much for her health. She was often despondent, unable to leave her bed, and she…she hurt herself.” At little more than a whisper, he added, “As does Georgiana.”

Elizabeth gasped, and a hand flew to her mouth.

“When she found out about your sister and Wickham, it was more than she could bear. I had planned to tell her gently, assure her he would never be part of our lives. I am certain I would have succeeded in convincing her there was no need for alarm. She liked you and knew I wanted to marry you. When I returned to town in September, she even asked me whether I had proposed.

“Instead, she learnt of it in the worst possible manner. Lady Catherine told her. Georgiana was inconsolable. She begged me not to marry you, acted as terrified as if Wickham were at the door, ready to drag her away or murder us all. Nothing eased her fear other than my family promising I would never ask her to accept you as her sister. Fitzwilliam and his parents refused to listen to any argument I offered, any suggestion for how the situation could be remedied. By the middle of November, I had given up all hope.”

“Why did you never tell me?” Elizabeth demanded. She looked almost wild, her eyes round with shock. “I have four sisters. Do you not think I understand the impulse to do anything for them, if their well-being is at risk? If someone had told me I could protect Lydia and secure the reputations of Mary and Kitty and Jane by rejecting you, I might have done it, despite how difficult it would have been. I like to think I would have, to shield my innocent sisters, if not poor, stupid Lydia.”

“I wanted to,” he interjected. “I tried to, but it was impossible to find the words to explain. It was easier to let you believe it was my family, not Georgiana. I did not want you of all people to think poorly of her.”

“Think poorly of her?” Elizabeth cried. “How could I? She was a child, and that man abused her!”

Darcy covered his eyes with a hand and bowed his head, hiding from the reality that he had not yet told Elizabeth just how terribly Wickham had treated his beloved sister. Speaking through his fingers, his voice sounding as weak and tired as a newborn kitten, he admitted, “I am afraid for her. Every day since then—a year and a half now—I have been frightened she might not find the strength to go on, that I could lose her as I did my parents. I certainly would have lost her had she married him. With her delicate nature, she would not long have survived exchanging vows with him. I would have done everything in my power to prevent their marriage. I did do everything possible for your sister, but she would not leave him. I told her I would arrange everything, even if there was a child.”

Elizabeth made a noise of disgust. “I am thankful she has not had to contend with that yet. She is so young! In truth, I hope they never have children. Neither of them should be responsible for an innocent baby.”

Darcy spent a moment looking at her, torn between telling her the next, most awful, part. He wanted her to know it all and yearned for her sympathy and understanding, but he hated to burden her with the knowledge of what Georgiana had suffered. In the end, he had decided to be open with her, and keeping back anything would be wrong.

“I thank God Georgiana was spared that particular horror too.”

She recoiled, almost stumbling backwards, and he reached out a hand to steady her. She brushed it away and gaped at him. “Oh no! She?—?”

With a nod, he admitted, “I wrote to her in Ramsgate, telling her to expect me. From what I have discerned, when she received my letter, she told him that she wanted me to know of their engagement. They argued and…” He shrugged, although there was nothing light-hearted about the matter. “I do not believe he gave her a choice, but I am not sure. He might have cajoled more than forced, if you believe that makes a material difference. She refuses to give a direct answer no matter who asks.”

Elizabeth pressed a hand to her mouth again, and for a moment, he thought she might sink to the ground. “Oh, dear Lord!”

“When I arrived in Ramsgate, I saw at once that she was nervous. When she told me she had seen Wickham and they wanted to marry, I naturally believed that explained her agitation. I met him and conveyed that Georgiana is not entitled to her dowry until she is one-and-twenty, that I would do nothing to have it released earlier, and that he would be solely responsible for her care. I would give him nothing. The part about her dowry is not true, but I knew the effect it would have on him. He advised me to speak to Georgiana, said I did not know everything and that if I did, I would insist on them marrying.

“I imparted the substance of this conversation to her. That was when I became aware that more had happened between them.” He paused to take several calming breaths. “It made no difference to me. I would never have permitted their marriage, even less so, knowing he might have— Since that day, whenever his name is mentioned, she becomes…distraught.” He ran his hands across his forehead, almost dislodging his hat.

“I confronted him again, as you might imagine. I made an agreement that Fitzwilliam and I would not attempt to destroy him as long as he did not attempt to ruin my sister. Had I suspected his treatment of her was not a unique occurrence, I would have done more to protect unsuspecting ladies.”

“There is no sign that he forced Lydia into anything,” Elizabeth said. “I have no idea how he persuaded her to elope, but knowing my sister, it would not have taken more than a promise of amusement and something she might boast of to her friends and family. She showed no signs of regretting her actions when she was at Longbourn.”

“In singling out your sister, I think he knew it would hurt me.”

“Or he saw a pretty, silly girl who would readily accede to whatever he wanted. It is not your fault, and you were generous to go after them and ensure he married her.”

Darcy waved this off. “I took Georgiana to Romsley Hall as soon as we left Ramsgate. She was only at ease with Lady Romsley, and she and the earl insisted I should leave her with them. Seeing me upset her. They said it was because she believed I must hate her, but of course, I never could. Fitzwilliam all but forced me into the carriage, and despite my reluctance, I left and went to Netherfield, as you know. I had promised Bingley, and I did not want to draw attention to Georgiana by changing my previous arrangements. We met you, and I was drawn to you almost from the first. I told myself it was because you were so lively and happy, and my mind was craving such company in light of the disorder in my family. It was nothing more, or so I believed until we met again in Kent. Then fate threw us together again in Derbyshire.”

“Do not forget the next part, Mr Darcy,” she said, her voice a touch cold. “Fate, your sister, your circumstances—whatever you choose to call it—then tore us apart. You should have told me! Instead, you lied to me by implying it was because of your family. Do you have any idea how it made me feel to think that you gave me up for no more reason than that your relations believe I am unworthy of being your wife? I decided you had reverted to your previous arrogant views and succumbed to their prejudice against me. I felt like such a fool because I had trusted you, had allowed myself to care for you, to dream of a future with you as my husband.”

“I wanted to tell you, but?—”

“What excuse can you possibly have for not doing so, for leaving me to wonder why you abandoned me? I would have understood. It would have hurt, but it would have been better than to think you decided I was not good enough for you. Thank you for your explanation, but this changes nothing between us.”

Alarmed by the final statement, Darcy said, “I cannot bear being apart from you. I will find a way to rectify everything. I cannot deny what I want, and I know if I find the right words, I can—I will—make Georgiana understand that our marrying does not mean she will ever see him. It is not right that I should have to give you up, that we cannot have our share of happiness.”

But Elizabeth only shook her head. “Nothing is resolved with your sister or family. I should marry you and watch it tear you apart? I should enter into marriage knowing my new sister, who is still so young and will live with us, hates me?”

“She does not hate you.”

“She disapproves of me and would hate her brother’s marriage. How could that be good for any of us? I would never want to be responsible for causing her more pain. You cannot simply erase the past eight months and reconcile Miss Darcy and your other relations to an alliance with Wickham, even an indirect one. It is better for both of us to-to put aside any feelings we have. Clinging to them will just make us miserable.”

She inhaled sharply, and he had the impression she was finding it very difficult not to cry. He felt the same way.

“It is not that easy.”

“Is it not what you decided to do months ago?” she demanded.

Unconsciously, he tried to grasp her hand. “Seeing you again has made it impossible.”

“Then we must avoid each other, at least until such a time as?—”

“As it no longer rips my heart from my body? I have loved you for eighteen months, even when I had no reason to hope I would ever see you again, when I thought you despised me. Do you really think I shall simply forget now, especially knowing you return my feelings?”

Her beautiful eyes were red with unshed tears, and she shrugged sadly, as if to say they had no choice. “It is enough that Lydia faces a terrible future. I shall not risk another young woman’s well-being by making her accept a sister-in-law with a connexion to the man who terrifies her.” She held up a hand to forestall his next words and walked away, the footman throwing him a daring expression when he made to follow.

Darcy let her go yet again.