Chapter 13

In early March, Darcy received a letter from Bingley stating that he and his wife would soon be in town. Rather than write to arrange a meeting at their club or suggest an excursion, Darcy decided to take Georgiana to call on Mrs Bingley, assuming his friend would be there.

He had another motive, though he kept it to himself: he wanted to introduce Georgiana to Mrs Bingley. What he would gain from it was uncertain, but he held a faint hope that if the two formed a friendship, even if it was not particularly close, Georgiana would see that there was no harm in associating with the Bennets, despite their connexion to Wickham. If that happened, surely she would no longer object to him pursuing Elizabeth.

Although it is doubtful Elizabeth will ever forgive me for how I acted.

Darcy never should have agreed to his family’s importuning; his regret left a bitter taste in his mouth. His nights were occupied reflecting on what he should have done instead, but despite debating the issue constantly, he had yet to decide what would have been a better course of action. In the end, it did not matter what he had or had not done; there was no changing the past. What was most important was how he acted at present.

Dear God, I cannot live with this emptiness inside me, the place where she belongs like a cavernous void! I must find a way to reconcile Georgiana and the rest of my family to our union—and I must find a way to convince Elizabeth to give me another chance.

He spoke to Georgiana about making the call at dinner one night. Referring to Mrs Bingley, he said, “You will like her. She is a very gentle, kind lady.”

His sister held her fork and knife several inches above her plate, her hands having fallen motionless as soon as he mentioned his idea. “B-but her sister is married to…him! What if he is there? What if Miss Bennet is? Do you want to see her?”

Darcy shook his head and continued to speak in an easy, calm manner. “Bingley knows I have a low opinion of Wickham—not why exactly, of course—and would never allow him into his home. As for Miss Bennet, I read Bingley’s letter very carefully, and more than once. He makes no mention of her. Would you truly object to even seeing her?”

The question was out before he could stop himself, and he knew at once it was a mistake. He sensed Georgiana withdrawing and fortifying the barriers she kept between herself and the world. He spoke on quickly.

“Georgiana—”

“Mr Bingley is a good friend to you, and I suppose he might order his wife not to be in that man’s company, not in their own home, at least. But I doubt she will always hold to that.” She shrugged. “It is different with Miss Bennet.”

“I do not understand why. I have tried, but I cannot.”

She glanced at him and took a long moment before replying. “I do not want youto see her because of your affection for her. You will find it difficult, and what if you decide I should not really mind it and propose? I could not bear it. If her younger sister arrived here or at Pemberley—with or without her husband—Miss Bennet would not reject her. I would be forced to see them.”

Georgiana was increasingly agitated, and he sought to redirect the conversation and calm her. “As I said, I have no reason to believe Miss Bennet is in town. I am thinking of Bingley and his new wife. Unless I give up the friendship entirely, which I very much do not want to do, I should call, and it would be right for you to meet her.”

Georgiana slowly lowered the fork and knife to the table and took a moment to arrange them. “I am not out.”

“That is true, but in the past, you have gone with me to call on good friends or joined me in receiving them here.” Believing she would find a way to refuse, he added, “We need only stay a quarter of an hour, just long enough for you to meet and offer your congratulations. Even if Mrs Bingley chooses to see the Wickhams, there is no danger that you will encounter them this winter. They are in Newcastle.”

With evident reluctance, she agreed.

His sister trembled slightly as they followed the servant to the Bingleys’ drawing room two days later. Darcy held her elbow and repeated his promise that they would stay only a short while. With his thoughts occupied by her as they traversed the hall, he did not initially believe he was actually seeing Elizabeth when they entered the drawing room. Georgiana’s steps faltered as she stopped abruptly; it was this that confirmed to him that Elizabeth truly was there. His mind screamed her name, his lips moving as though he was speaking it aloud. Why had Bingley not told him she would accompany him and his wife to town? He glanced at Georgiana, who had grown pale, turned to Mrs Bingley and Elizabeth, and opened his mouth to greet them or say some other innocuous nothing.

Before he could form words, Elizabeth was on her feet and halfway across the room.

“Mr Darcy, Miss Darcy.” Her voice and the nod she gave them were both brusque. She left through a second door, which saved her from having to approach them.

Darcy watched her go. He had the answer to one question that had plagued him since the autumn: Elizabeth did despise him. He had disappointed her, she could not possibly understand why, and he deserved her contempt.

He almost followed her, but Georgiana’s hand on his arm prevented it. Faintly, he heard Mrs Bingley’s voice; it was only when Georgiana said his name that he was able to pull his attention back to the ladies he was with and away from the one he longed to be near.

Had he suspected Elizabeth might be there, that Mrs Bingley would want her dearest sister with her? He had, but he had not allowed himself to hope he would see her. Just being near her was a balm, although her evident hatred would soon change that, the pain overtaking the pleasure.

“Mr Darcy, I am very glad to see you,” Mrs Bingley said, her voice higher than usual. She looked between where he stood with Georgiana and the door through which Elizabeth had bolted. “I-I asked my sister to join me. She, um…”

Darcy cleared his throat, praying his heart would slow down and he would feel less lightheaded; it was making it difficult for him to think clearly. He bowed and felt Georgiana curtsey. “Mrs Bingley, how do you do? May I present my sister?”

After he completed the introduction, Mrs Bingley invited them to sit. He did not know what happened next, or even how much time passed. The ladies spoke, but Darcy did not add to the exchange. He sat with his eyes on the door through which Elizabeth had left, wondering where she was and what she was thinking and feeling, and imagining what he would say to her if they had a few minutes alone.

His trance ended when Bingley entered the room.

“Darcy! Miss Darcy, how wonderful to see you again. You are looking very well.”

“Thank you, Mr Bingley.”

While Georgiana’s voice was still cautious, she appeared less timid having someone else with whom she was familiar in the room. Darcy reprimanded himself; in his distraction over Elizabeth, he had failed to pay proper attention to Georgiana and Mrs Bingley, which was rude.

“Bingley, it is good to see you too. I was glad to receive your letter saying you would be in town this month. It gave me an opportunity to introduce the ladies,” Darcy said.

Bingley grinned at his wife and went to sit next to her. His smile faded slightly, and he looked around the room. “Where is Lizzy?”

“Oh, she…has a headache,” Mrs Bingley said.

When her eyes flicked to Darcy, the door, and the ground, it told Darcy that she knew what had passed between him and her sister—but that her husband did not. Bingley was never the most observant man. If he was, he would have realised months ago that Darcy was deeply in love with Elizabeth.

The only reason he had not proposed before leaving Meryton in September was to allow the Bingleys the chance to have their impending engagement celebrated without any distractions. How I wish I had not been so generous! If I had proposed and spoken to Mr Bennet before coming to town, the earl and countess—even Fitzwilliam—would have agreed there was nothing to be done about it. I would now be married to Elizabeth, and we would have managed Georgiana’s anxieties together.

Darcy and Georgiana remained only a few minutes longer. He told himself it was because he sensed his sister’s growing restlessness, but really, it was his own that drove him to his feet. Elizabeth was somewhere in the house, and not being able to see her made him want to weep.