1. Haven

1

HAVEN

I hired a professional cuddler.

I shake my head from side to side as I stand here, staring up at the ten-story hotel and trying not to run.

I hate this. Heck, I hate everything about it, but I know I have to do something because I can't keep going the way I am.

I'm twenty-five years old. I've never hugged another person, never said I love you, and every attempt at dating ends when a man reaches for my hand or tries to get close to me.

My therapist calls it intimacy avoidance, and after years of therapy, this seems like a last attempt at healing. I can even sense the desperation from my therapist when she suggested I try this .

I pull my shoulders back, stop fidgeting, and pretend I'm on a job instead of walking into an uncomfortable situation. I'm a plus-size model, and I can usually fake the confidence for photoshoots, walking runways, and modeling gigs. My plan is to treat this the same way.

I walk into the fancy hotel, stop in my tracks as it hits me, and wonder what the hell am I doing? This is a hotel, and I'm about to go into a room with a perfect stranger. Tense, I put my hand to my forehead and think about how this is not very smart of me because people are going to think I'm some kind of hooker or something.

However, this is definitely not the type of place that rents the room by the hour because it is one of Jasper's elite hotels.

I'm about to walk out when a man approaches me. "Haven Weston?"

My forehead creases as I stare at the man. He seems harmless enough. He's shorter than me and smaller in stature. Definitely not a threat. But does he recognize me from modeling or from the profile intake sheet I had to fill out for a cuddler?

I point to myself. "I'm Haven. Are you Victor?"

He nods his head but doesn't reach his hand out. Maybe he knows that I wouldn't want to take it, but he remains standing with his hands in his pockets, just smiling at me.

"Yeah, I'm Victor, and I thought I'd meet you out here for the first appointment. It usually freaks people out a little to be meeting at a hotel. So the first floor of the hotel has restaurants, boutique shops, and a few other businesses, and we have our offices here too. Will you follow me?"

I nod, my fake confidence already starting to wear. I follow him down the hallway and stop outside an office. He doesn't attempt to open it; he just gestures to the door. "So through here are our offices. I like to sort of explain things before going in because I've found that a lot of people that visit us don't like surprises. The first room is just a room. There is a couch, two chairs and a desk in the corner. The next room over is a room with a television, couch, and more chairs. We have another room that has a bedroom that is used for cuddling."

Before I can interrupt, he continues. "Everything is on the up and up here. We move slowly. Today, we'll just get to know each other. Slowly, we'll work through things until you're comfortable. It can be simple hand-holding, massage, meditation, talking through what you're feeling, and eventually cuddling. But we move at your pace."

I have a thousand questions rolling through my head, but I can't form a sentence to save my life, so I just clear my throat and nod my head.

He opens the door, walks in, and holds it open for me. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe some gaudy bedroom with silk sheets and the stench of sweat or something. That's exactly what I was expecting. I have built this up so much in my head that I've twisted it to something it's not.

I'm here for legitimate therapy. It sounds insane to think that cuddling with someone is going to help me, but I have to give it a shot. Nothing else has done any good, so I need to go at this with an open mind.

Victor waves his hand around the room. "Sit wherever you'll feel most comfortable."

I avoid the couch and sit down in the chair that seats one person. Victor grabs a clipboard and sits in the chair across from me.

"Tell me about yourself, Haven."

I start by saying "uh" and then go into the spiel I always use at work. "I'm a professional plus size model. I'm twenty-five years old and from Whiskey Run. I love reading, volunteering, and walking. "

He smiles at the paper in his hand as he takes notes. "Okay, now tell me about you… why are you here?"

My voice gets softer and less sure. "Because I have intimacy avoidance."

"Why?"

I scrunch my nose up. "Why?"

He nods, still looking down at the paper, but I'm just not comfortable talking about this. Instead of answering him, I ask my own questions. "How long have you been doing this, Victor?"

"A year."

I nod and lean forward with my arms crossed over my chest. "And is the success rate with your patients high?"

"It is for the people that put in the work," he says, looking at me down his nose. He obviously doesn't like being questioned, but I don't care. I can't imagine ever being comfortable enough with him to actually let him touch me or cuddle with me.

"And what does that mean… put in the work?"

His smile is tight. "Well, for starters, answer questions."

I nod and blurt out in frustration, "I'm here because I had a shitty upbringing and I don't trust people. How's that? "

If anything, his smile deepens, and it makes me feel like I did something right in his eyes. "That's good. That's a start at least. Let's talk about schedules. I want to see you twice a week."

"Twice a week?" I repeat, surprised.

He nods. "Yeah, I think it's a good idea."

I shrug, already dreading the next appointment. "Okay."

He nods. "Okay, how about I give you a tour of the other offices and then we'll convene again next week?"

I nod and follow him, trying not to let the disappointment set in. I don't know what I was hoping for, maybe an instant connection where I felt a closeness with another person. Where I felt safe and maybe even was on the receiving end of a hug or something, but I don't feel anything but numb… and ridiculous.