Chapter 16
16
Liam took a deep breath as he reached for the door. He’d spent most of the afternoon trying to figure out his next steps with Alison. He knew he’d messed up and he knew he had to do something to fix it before Alison’s patience completely ran out. Talking about his feelings wasn’t the least bit appealing. He’d done everything he could for the past three years to push things from his mind and bury the fear that had plagued him as soon as he heard that familiar scream. Even now, it still sometimes haunted his nights when he tried to fall into the pleasantness of dreams. But if his conversation with Alison was to be believed, nothing short of talking through things would get through to her.
With a deep breath in, Liam knocked before opening the door slowly and taking a peek inside the dining hall. Sunlight drifted in from the open windows, bathing the room in a warm orange hue. It was so counter to the stormy thoughts inside his mind that it almost blinded him at first and he had to blink quickly for his sight to adjust. Once it did, his gaze fell on a lonely figure. At the long dining table sat Alison, her gaze on the plate in front of her. Liam swallowed hard as he walked into the room, slowly as to not startle her. It had been a long while since he last had supper in here, often leaving the castle before things had even been plated up for consumption. That was purposeful too. This familiar wooden table carried memories that he had tried to exercise from his mind of a happy family and dinners filled with warmth and laughter. All of that had been replaced with the emptiness of a future that had been put on hold so abruptly.
“Alison?” Liam asked quietly, not surprised when she continued to stare resolutely at her plate rather than look at him. He deserved that from his behavior. He knew it and yet, it was still a tough pill to swallow. He had memories of her at this table, smiling at him with emotion pure in her eyes before tragedy struck. He walked around the table, nodding at the servants as they placed food on top. None of them would meet his eye, and he knew it was because of the revelations of the morning. By now, he had no doubt heard rumors of his indiscretions. He could only hope that those who came to know employed tact and let the whispers fade away.
When plates had been served, Liam picked up his fork before glancing up at Alison, who continued to treat his presence as unimportant. Maybe it should have angered him to be so roundly dismissed, but instead, it just made him ache with the guilt of having derailed their futures so spectacularly. He had done this to them. It was his fault alone, but he refused to let this go on any longer.
“The haggis is delicious,” Liam said, braving a conversation. It wasn’t the smoothest or most exciting of openings, but it would have to do until he could think of something better to say.
Alison wanted to say something about the man across from her. Seeing Liam sat at the supper table with her, straining to make some kind of conversation should have made her happy. But she was still smarting from the day’s revelations and far too upset to appreciate the gesture. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything to him, not when all she wanted to do was scream and yell at the unfairness of it all.
They sat in silence, the only break in it the occasional scrape of utensils against plates as they ate. It was an uncomfortable silence, pregnant with hurt feelings and the type of tension that could upend entire families. Alison hated it, but she hated the feeling of being so deceived even more. Liam clearly wasn’t going to speak on any of it, and that made her all the more angry at his cowardice. Finally, she’d had enough.
“I never thought that you could stoop any lower than you already have.” She looked up at him, not caring what emotion showed on her face. She had reached the end of her ability to fake how she felt. “I never thought, in all your grief and anger, that you would ever think to be this foolish.”
Liam’s mouth hung open at her blunt words. The guilt that had slowly nibbled away on him had grown to taking full chunks out of his ability to justify his actions. No, he realized with a startling clarity. He had only ever justified them to himself. Not once had he attempted to justify or even clarify why he kept his distance from her.
“Alison, I?—”
“Nay,” she hissed, cutting off his words. She didn’t want to hear his excuses. Not until she got out the words that had been choking her every breath with the force with which she held them in. “Now, I had resigned myself to the realization that you no longer wanted me or this marriage. I had even tried to ignore the maids you took to bed even as you ignored my very presence. You fooled around, care-free, while my family and I remained dedicated to you in heart and deed from the start.”
Liam had to cut in and stop the terrible flow of words, each one finding their mark like a dagger cutting through meat and hitting bone. “I know.”
“Do you? Truly?” She asked, though her tone invited no answer. “I’ve lied to my family for years, making them think our marriage is as strong as ever in order to keep them from worrying themselves sick o’er things that could not be helped. I did this to support you, even as you continue to embarrass me.”
Liam didn’t think it possible to feel any lower than he did now. “That wasnae my intention, Alison. Please believe that.”
“I dinnae know what to believe, Liam,” she said in a hard tone. She had to keep herself from breaking. Everything in her yearned to understand what happened to switch them from the loving future they had planned for. Was it something she did? Was it something she didn’t do? “Bain kissed me.”
That was not something Liam was expecting to hear. He knew his cousin had been sniffing around Alison, offering her walks in the garden and occasionally having supper with her, but he hadn’t thought deeper about the implications of that interest. He ground his teeth when a wave of white-hot jealousy welled within him.
“He did what? When?”
“That’s not important,” she said. When Liam’s hand came down on the table, rattling the plate in front of him, Alison jerked slightly and looked up at him with wide eyes. The fire in those familiar gray depths was unlike any she had seen, save last night when they were wrapped in one another’s arms. Where had that energy been lurking? Had it always been there?
“It is important,” Liam insisted, his voice coming out with a growl. “He put his hands on you knowing ye’re my wife.”
“Wife?” Alison said, dropping her own utensils. “Would a wife be left alone to rot? Would a wife have to suffer the indignity of your first bastard child being born when she hadn’t been touched in years? Bain might have been out of line, but he made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a long time.”
Liam’s heart nearly dropped out of his chest at her words. “What?” He asked, careful as his body startled to tremble. “What did he make you feel?”
Alison didn’t hesitate to look him in the eye as she let her arrow loose. “Wanted.” The word hit its mark, lodging deep in Liam’s chest. “He made me feel wanted, Liam. Like I could be what someone wanted.”
“I do want you. I always have.”
Alison scoffed even though it hurt. Those were words she had been aching to hear for years and yet now they just sounded hollow. “Surely you don’t think I will believe that? Not now.”
“But it’s the truth,” he insisted, hands curled into fists on top of the dining table. “I didn’t want any of them. None of them were you.”
She shook her head and looked down at her half-empty plate. “I know I can’t compare to your ‘pets’, but to pretend now with your bastard child on the way is just cruel.”
“It’s not…” Liam trailed off, not knowing how to convince her that everything he’d done, every woman he’d bedded, was to forget how perfect she was. None of them meant anything. Not when Alison meant everything.
“I just don’t understand what went wrong,” Alison continued, her voice soft enough that Liam almost didn’t hear her speak. “What happened on our wedding night that changed everything? Was it something I did? Was I not enough to help you through the grief?”
Liam clenched his jaw, and he was silent for what felt like an eternity. Finally, he spoke, his voice trembling. “I was scared.” That confession felt like being dragged on jagged rocks, but Liam knew he had one chance to save this. He had one chance to get back the woman he loved. “I was scared of failing you. Of not being what you need. Of… of myself.”
Alison frowned at his words. “I don’t understand.”
Liam glanced at her before looking away. “I’m afraid of you getting hurt.”
“And you think that not touching me will protect me? It didn’t. You acting like I either didn’t exist or that you couldn’t stand to be near me, it hurt.” Liam’s eyes widened as if he just realized that fact. “You spent years pushing me away, Liam. But now, I am right here and I need you to be honest with me. I need you to talk to me.”
He turned to face her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I don’t want to hurt you. But every time I think about getting closer, I remember how fragile everything feels. How tenuously our lives are held together and how easy it would be to rip it all apart. I don’t know how to fix my fears.”
“You don’t have to fix everything on your own,” she said softly, reaching out to place her hand over his. The contact felt electric, yet Liam flinched, pulling away slightly.
“Alison, I—” he started, but the words got caught in his throat. She could see the internal struggle etched on his face, the battle between vulnerability and fear.
“Please,” she urged, hoping that the feelings long since buried in there would beat to come out. “Let me in. Let me help you carry this burden.”
After a long pause, Liam let out a shaky breath. “I’m afraid. Afraid that if I touch you, if I let myself feel… I might lose you. Or worse, I might disappoint you.”
She shook her head, tears threatening to spill. “You won’t disappoint me. Ye’re not perfect, and neither am I. There are no perfect people, but we’re in this together. That’s what marriage means.”
Liam looked at Alison, really looked at her, and in that moment, the walls he’d put up since that fateful night of their wedding began to crumble. Alison could see it as she stared steadily at him, watching the cloud lift from his gaze. Hope burned in her veins as she gave in one last time to the future she so desperately wanted.
This level of vulnerability was terrifying, but there was a glimmer of hope in Liam’s eyes, too. He wanted it so desperately he could almost taste it. “I don’t want to push you away,” he finally admitted, his voice cracking. “I just… I don’t know how to let you in.”
Alison could understand the fear of change. She stood then intent, on not letting him cross that bridge alone.
“Start with the little things,” she said, her heart swelling with a mix of hope and resolve as she walked around the table. “Hold my hand. Talk to me. Let’s face this together, no more hiding.”
Liam moved his chair away from the table, intent on meeting her, but he was surprised when instead of letting him stand, she pushed him back in his chair. Alison climbed into his lap then, her warmth surrounding him as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. His hand reached for hers, trembling but steady. As their fingers intertwined, a warmth spread through Liam, a promise of what could be if they chose to face their fears together.
“No more hiding,” he echoed as he was pulled into a kiss, their lips meeting again as if for the first time.