Chapter 12

12

Despair And Desire

W illiam’s heart raced and pounded ferociously in his ears. Every fiber of his body felt like it was on fire and surging with energy. He felt as if he would split apart at the seams at any moment. Staring into Dakota’s dark brown eyes, he couldn’t help but notice the tent of red and the glistening as the tears had mounted before she scurried from the room as quickly as a servant.

It was not his intention to cause such emotion to rise in her heart, but if she had just done as he had asked, there would be no trouble. Instead, she had to be as stubborn as… well, him! And she had to be tender too.

Why could she not just choose one and be done with it? If she was not so hot and cold, alternating between trying to annoy him and trying to please him, he could better handle her.

She was the most infuriating woman he had ever met, and he had met his fair share of infuriating women in his time. He would much rather deal with squabbles over sheep than put up with his new wife. At least all of the commotion with her would help remove his desire for the woman.

He hoped.

He went after Dakota, ready to have it out with her once and for all. He knew they were too different to ever get along properly, but seeing her flee in tears only brought him back to the events on the way back to the castle. She was in conflict once more, and he yearned to protect her, no matter how much she riled him up.

When he got to her, she stopped and looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. The Laird's mouth opened, but the sound of approaching footsteps stopped him. He stepped back from Dakota and took a deep breath to steady himself as the servants came up the steps toward them.

The maid’s eyes widened as they noticed William hovering around Dakota, shielding her from their gaze. The two maids giggled as William cleared his throat, silencing them.

"Daenae ye have somethin' to do?" He asked them. The smile on the girls' faces vanished instantly. They both quit giggling and gave a nod before scurrying off down the hallway.

William turned his attention back to Dakota and could not help staring into the soft pools of brown within the red. He was not annoyed at how she had acted and stormed out but at the fact that he still wanted to pin her up against the wall and have his way with her.

The rise and fall of her chest as she breathed quickly after fleeing the scene of their latest conflict drew his eye, and he had to scold himself for even looking at her that way when she had disrespected him by storming out of the dining hall.

William stepped away from her, giving her just enough room to shimmy out the space he penned her in. Yet to his surprise, she remained planted before him like a tree, unmoving and unyielding to the ravenous temptations of his desires.

"You should probably go to your room now," he said with a low voice. It was the only way that he could restrict himself and his emotions and try to keep everything checked and orderly.

The moment Dakota moved away from him, his hand flew out and snatched her arm. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her to leave it was that he couldn’t let her go. He knew he should be keeping her at arm's length, but now that she was so close and he had tasted her on his lips, he couldn’t bear the thought of letting her escape.

Her sweet fragrance lingered like a fine perfume, and he couldn’t bring himself to see her walk away from him. With his blood pumping in his emotions running amok within him, he struggled to understand how he was truly feeling. William glanced at her , wondering whether or not he would spill his guts and let her know all that was going on with him. The need to have her and the desire to keep himself in order warred within him.

"Did ye come to request food for our picnic?" Dakota breathed.

She glanced at his hand, and he followed her gaze. Slowly he peeled back his fingers and dropped his hand. Dakota rubbed her arm as if he had gripped her too hard.

"Forgive me," he mumbled. "It’s just I…" William stopped short as he tripped over his words. He couldn’t quite figure out what he was trying to say. There was just too much raging within him. How could he tell her that her beauty stole his attention and ensnared his mind? How it was her fragrance that haunted him in the empty rooms.

The beams of light coming through the high-slanted windows kissed her face. He wanted to burn this image into his brain and hold it for all eternity. His words eluded him as Dakota stared at him motionless and in awe.

And he could bear it no longer.

He parted his lips to apologize again, but he was no longer thinking with his head. Before he could utter a sound, he pressed his hand to her breast, and his tongue found her mouth.

Fight me! Fight back and put an end to this kiss!

But she did not fight back. She did not stop what he was powerless to stop. He was a strong, powerful Laird, but as he had known since laying eyes on Dakota, he was defenseless against his lust for her.

He squeezed her breast above the thin layers of fabric, and the stiffening of her nipple excited him beyond measure. She did not attack with her tongue with as much ferocity as he did, but she did not resist in any way either, and the soft moan that escaped her lips goaded him into continuing.

William's hand moved up to her cheek, and he finished the kiss by removing his tongue and slowly separating their moist lips. He looked into her bloodshot eyes; it might have been his mind playing tricks on him, but the sadness was lessened.

He let out a heavy sigh and dropped his head.

"I'm sorry. I didnae mean to do that."

"That is the first thin' ye have done since I got here that made me feel like yer wife and nae yer obligation," she replied. "I daenae understand ye, m'Laird. One minute ye’re cold as ice, refusin' to look at me, barely holdin' me hand as we walk down the aisle and now this? That was nay ordinary kiss. Why did ye do it?"

"Me lust got the better of me; that is the truth ," he answered, looking her in the eye and owning up to his mistake.

"What is goin' on with ye? And daenae tell me nothin'. You treat me as if I am nothin' more than a dog that you can order around and then ignore. Yet when ye call and demand me presence, I’m supposed to what? Roll over and do as ye say? It’s nae how marriage works." Her voice trembled as she spoke.

William couldn’t tell if it was due to a fear of him or if his actions had shocked her more than she was letting on.

"What we have is a marriage of convenience, not one of passion. Me life has been orderly and planned out meticulously step-by-step. I ken what me duties are to me people, and I ken what I must get done for me lineage to be etched into the stones of history. Look around ye. This entire castle is filled with artifacts of times gone. In each of these framed portraits of men and women that don the hallway is a story. Me duty is to be placed alongside them and honor their legacy. I cannae let meself feel anythin' for ye."

"But ye do feel somethin', daenae ye? That’s what’s goin' on here, isn't it? Ye just daenae want to admit it. And so ye take out yer frustrations on me."

William dropped his head and let out a heavy sigh. In the corner of his eye, he could see Dakota shaking her head. The light struck her face just right, causing the tear on her cheek to shimmer like a diamond. He heard a small huff escape her lips and then the pitter-patter of her footsteps as she raced down the corridor, fleeing from him.

William leaned against the wall, wishing he had better control . None of this would've happened if he had just let her go when she left the dining room . Nor would he have made a fool of himself in front of her. Shame pricked him as he glanced at the paintings of his forefathers, each having a front-row view of his mistakes.

"What have I done?" he whispered as he wondered whether he’d ever be able to face her again. He didn't doubt that Dakota understood him better than he did himself. He couldn’t help but feel as if he were playing a hand of poker with half his cards facing her.

He glanced down the hallway, wondering whether or not he’d catch another glimpse of Dakota but in the back of his mind, he already knew it was too late. There was no reconciling what he had done. Slowly he moved down the hallway and descended the steps. His only thought was to try and find a way to make amends. Or, at the very least, try to make amends for what had transpired.

With each step, he willed himself to put aside his desires for her. After all, he had hoped that by kissing her he would be able to squash the passions that had been raging within him. He hoped that the fires that burned would have been extinguished and that what he was feeling for her was nothing more than a lustful infatuation, yet as his lips burned from her kiss and the taste of her breath still lingered on his mouth.

Instead of quelling and abiding the need to have her, he found he had added more kindling to his fires. The yearnings within him now raged like an uncontrollable inferno. He moved down into the main room and walked towards his study. The study had been his father’s and his great-grandfathers before that. Every piece of furniture in the room told the tale of greatness and grandeur. He glanced around the room, recalling the stories his father told him before he passed. How his family came from nothing and built themselves up to what he now possessed.

He’d been taught that his family lineage was all that mattered. But as he sat behind his desk, he couldn’t help but wonder if all that was false. How he had built himself up in this palace and yet was alone with no one to share it with. And even if the papers all proclaimed him the owner of this estate, a part of him understood that it wasn’t actually his. That each article and book, every painting and tapistry, had been handed down and gifted to him throughout his family line.

William let out a heavy sigh and grabbed a parchment of paper quickly. He began scribbling on it. He knew if there was one thing he could do to make amends with Dakota, it would be to give her permission to do as she wished. Suddenly, he understood what she had been wanting, what was troubling her so much, and why she couldn’t adjust to her new home.

His hand flew over the parchment as he poured out his heart, using the black ink of his quill.

I understand that you feel like a foreigner in this land, and that is not my intention . I want you to feel welcomed and comfortable. We are, after all, family more than family. We are married and if it pleases you to rearrange your room and I will give you permission to do so. Please speak with me in the morning about this and I will give you the funds for curtains and new linen or whatever it is that pleases you. I do not want you to feel as if you are a prisoner here.

The rap on the door caused the pain in his hand to streak across the page. He glanced up, and his heart stopped beating for a moment as he wondered whether or not it was Dakota knocking on the door. He cleared his throat.

"Aye?" The creak of the door caused his stomach to jump as his heart pounded in his chest. He held his breath and quickly let it out. "Oh it’s ye."

"Well it is nice to see ye too," Cameron said with a snicker as he stepped into the room.

"What is it that ye want?" Cameron asked as he tried to return to his letter, only to realize that he had smudged it and would have to begin again.

"I thought ye might want to know that there has been quarrels in the western parts of your lands," Cameron said. "Farmers are complaining of stock going missing, as well as abuse structures being burnt in the middle of the night."

William looked up and arched his eyebrow. "The Western lands?"

"The one in the same," Cameron said.

"Please tell me it is not the viscount’s old property."

"I’d like to but then I would be lying," Cameron said.

"Will he ever learn? I won those lands fair and square. Why does he insist on causing such chaos? You would think that he would have learned to leave those people alone."

"Perhaps he sees it as a game," Cameron said as he moved around the room. "You know like when we were bairns, simple game of keep away. Only instead of a toy it’s property."

"I daenae care what he thinks, he is disrupting my tenants and I will nae have it. The viscount is nae one to let go of a grudge. Of course he will do anything in his power to try and cause discord."

"Well, he certainly is doing a fine job," Cameron said. "And it seems as though the issues are climbing."

"Take a group of men and see what ye can dae," William said through a clenched jaw. "And put up posts if ye can to keep watch I will nae have that bile man bullying my people and striking fear into the hearts of those who are on the outskirts."

Cameron arched an eyebrow as he moved around the desk. His eyes widened as he spied over William's shoulder, glancing at the parchment on the desk. William immediately slammed his hand on the letter trying to hide it from Cameron’s prying eyes. Before William could take the paper off the desk, Cameron grabbed it.

"What is this?" Cameron teased as he darted away from William and began reading the letter out loud.

William jumped up, trying to snatch the letter from his friend as Cameron teased and bent his voice like a girl as he read it. Cameron stopped as his face went stone cold, and he turned to face William.

"What is this? Is this a letter to yer wife?"

William ripped the paper out of Cameron’s hand and shook his head. He glanced at the words on the page, quickly crumpled it, and threw it into the fire.

"William? Why are ye writin’ to yer wife when she is within yer reach? If there’s a problem, go to her."

"Tis nae so easy," William answered as he watched the flames eat away the parchment.

"I see this woman has gotten under your skin," Cameron chuckled. William flashed him a menacing glare, silencing him. Cameron cleared his throat and let out a heavy sigh.

"Fine, but ye’ve got to understand that ye need to act or yer feelings will get the better of ye," Cameron said.

"What are ye talkin’ about? When have ye ever seen me lose control?"

"That’s precisely my point," Cameron added. "I daenae think there’s ever been a time where ye havenae been and now, ye are. Everyone can see it is drivin’ ye mad."

"How am I to end it?"

"Give in. Even if it’s just a night. Allow yerself that moment and get it out of yer system."

"How do ye manage to keep all the women ye’ve had? Ye care nae of their feelings, only what they can give ye," William asked as he arched an eyebrow to study his friend. "Ye always have a new woman on yer arm since the day we met."

Cameron couldn’t help but chuckle. "I have nae sworn before man and God to be wit’ just one woman. And if ye cannae find a way to co-exist wit’ this woman, she’ll drive ye and this clan to either the brink of war, or destruction. My suggestion, bed the lass well and be done wit’ it."

"It’s nae that simple," William said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"How complicated can it be? A man needs certain things and when they are not met, it will cause all of his all parts of his life to crumble."

"That is enough. I will not have you speak of such things. Nor will I let Dakota be the cause for my family’s downfall. I have gone so far as to allow myself to acknowledge her presence now it’s just a matter of building up tolerance to her."

"What does she have that other women do nae? Why do ye fancy her above all others? Perhaps if ye found a flaw in her."

William slammed his hand down on the table and shook his head. "There are nay flaws. That is the problem I have tried to find one and yet she has seemed to baffle me at every turn. I try to pinch her nerves and she goes silent, refusing the bait. Nor has she shown an ugly side of her. All I’ve ever seen is kindness and I daenae understand it. Even on the brink of tears or even when I think she is about to curse me, she has bit her tongue. Proving time and again to be a lady of honor. And I find myself wishin’ to uphold that."

"Well, see there’s yer problem," Cameron said. "You think too highly of her."

"She’s nae the typical lass."

"Seems to me, ye have quite a problem, then. I’m certainly glad nae to be in yer shoes," Cameron said. William shook his head and moved around to his desk.

"Enough. Ye have a job to do," William said. "I want ye to ensure the people in the west are taken care of. Keep yer ear to the ground and yer eyes open. Report to me what’s goin’ on there so that we may squash any and all rebellion. And if it is the Viscount, notify me at once."

"I would wish you luck my friend," Cameron said, "but something tells me you are either going to cave to her or she is going to be broken. And if self preservation is the ability to withstand temptation, then I suggest you run to the convent and check yourself there for it seems to me she has already won."

William watched Cameron move out of the room and close the door behind him. He plopped down into his chair and slipped out another parchment of paper, although he refused to express the deepest secrets of his heart. There was one thing that he knew he could do to make amends with Dakota.

Seven little words he scribbled onto the parchment paper and folded neatly up. He rang the bell for the servant and the boy quickly rushed into the room. With the letter in hand, William rose from his chair and glared at the boy, "You will deliver this to the lady of the house. Slip it under her door and say not a word understood."

The boy bobbed his head, grabbed the note, and quickly dashed out of the room, although he wanted to see Dakota’s face when she read the letter or the note. He knew it would be unwise for him to see her so soon. There was far too many things that he had to put aside and box up within his mind and his heart before seeing her again.

I will not have her. I will not cave to her; this I vow.