Chapter 38

Holly didn’t plan the appointments in any particular order, but she’s relieved that Simon is the first client to arrive for ketamine therapy since JJ’s death. If anyone in the group can handle heavier doses of psychedelics, it has to be him.

Still, Holly’s heart flutters as she slides an IV into his veiny, tattooed forearm. And her guts are knotted with guilt and worry. She feels as if she’s on the verge of betraying her grandfather’s legacy, but for the life of her, she can’t think of a way around it.

“Ah, it’s good to be back in the old recliner!” Simon bellows, and pulls the blindfold over his eyes before Holly suggests it.

Holly doesn’t even ask Simon if he minds her playing the music over the speakers instead of the usual headphones. And as she launches his perennial choice of songs from Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Simon settles back in the recliner and sighs contentedly. “I’d avoid Roger Waters like the plague if I saw him at a party, but there’s no other album I’d rather trip to.”

“Are you ready, Simon?” Holly asks, realizing it’s evident he is.

“All systems check, Captain.” He guffaws. “Ready for liftoff, Ground Control.”

“Set and setting,” Holly reminds him as she slowly injects the ketamine into his arm, adding 25 percent more than his previous dose. “Go to that happy memory, Simon. Somewhere safe and warm.”

In less than a minute, a dreamy smile crosses Simon’s lips as he begins to hum along to the music.

“How are you feeling, Simon?” Holly asks.

“Awesome,” he says, sweeping his free hand toward the ceiling. “Stars and planets and moons and asteroids… I see them all. A whole galaxy. Like I’m in a goddamn planetarium.”

“Good,” she says soothingly. “Go with it.”

He breaks into song, singing along to the soundtrack.

“Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about everything that’s happened to the group?”

“Not exactly ideal, is it?”

“No, it’s not.”

His smile fades. “I can’t believe there’s another one.”

“JJ?”

“I can’t remember her name. Kyla? Maybe.”

“Kyla?”

“She came forward for the money. Just like her friend, Brianna. Fleeced me dry. Greedy bitches.”

“Simon, who is Kyla?”

“They begged to come on tour with me,” he mutters. “They crawled into my bed.”

Simon has alluded to similar accusations of sexual misconduct in the past without going into specifics. Then again, Holly has never interviewed him under the influence of ketamine before, only afterwards, during their debrief.

“I told them…” he mumbles. “I got their consent. Always do. The restraints, the gags, the chains, the hoods… they were into it. They said it was super-kinky.”

“And now they’re accusing you?”

“The second one is, yeah,” he grumbles. “Brianna already won the lottery at my expense!”

“You reached a settlement with her?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt her. I’m always careful. I have no idea where the bruises came from. I only wanted to restrain them. To enslave them. Give them the full thrill of being dominated.”

“Bruises?”

“Dr. D, you’ve helped me soooo much. Those urges are almost gone. They don’t drive me anymore.” He chuckles. “I don’t even fantasize about you chained to my bed, like I used to.”

Holly fights off repulsion at the thought. She remembers JJ’s comment about not telling Elaine. Had she meant to warn her about Simon? “What about Elaine? Or JJ? Did something… sexual… happen with one of them, Simon?”

He grips the armrest and the veins in his forearm pop. “Did she tell you?”

“Who?”

“JJ.”

“No.”

“It was just dinner! Friendly like. We got into this deep conversation about our addictions. She told me a bunch of stuff about how she fell into the bottle. After all those lost pregnancies. And I thought it was only fair for me to share, too. I told her about my… you know… kinks. I thought she was into them, too. But as soon as I mentioned how sexy it would be to chain her up, she completely freaked out. And bolted. Like I’d pulled a chainsaw on her!”

Holly’s mind races as she absorbs the details. “Was JJ threatening to expose you?”

“Expose?” He grunts. “No, no. She ghosted me. Would barely say two words to me after.”

“But you saw JJ again, Simon?” Holly has to stop herself from telling him that Reese told her as much. “The night she died.”

He shakes his head. “I spoke to her on the phone. In the afternoon.”

“And what did JJ tell you?”

“That something happened between her and Elaine. And JJ thought you suspected she was involved in Elaine’s death.”

Holly forces herself to speak in a conversational tone. “Did JJ tell you what happened between her and Elaine?”

“Nope. JJ couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. Like she regretted bringing it up.” Simon reaches up and touches his mask. “What’s going on, Dr. D?”

“Nothing, Simon. You’re doing fine.”

“Why the million questions?”

Holly can tell from the clarity in his voice that the ketamine is wearing off, and that he’s gaining insight. She glances at the two syringes in her hand. For a moment, she considers administering more ketamine to put him back under, but she banishes the thought.

“Do you know something about Elaine and JJ?” His voice borders on frantic. “Something I don’t?”

“No, no. It’s only talk, Simon.”

He wriggles on the recliner. “What the fuck is going on here?”

Holly feels trapped. Without a choice. Hand trembling, she attaches the syringe of midazolam to the IV and pushes in a full dose.

Within seconds, Simon is snoring.

Staring at his sleeping form, Holly feels sick to her stomach.

Ten minutes later, he wakes with a start, pulling the blindfold off his eyes and sitting up. “Whoa! That was a fucking weird trip!”

“What do you remember, Simon?” Holly asks, trying to steady her breathing.

“Lots of stars. Not much else. It’s so foggy.” He grimaces. “Did I say anything?”

She forces a smile. “Nothing very coherent.”

Holly removes his IV and escorts him out to the waiting room, staying close by his side in case he loses his balance on the way.

After asking Tanya to call him a taxi, Holly hurries back to her office, closes the door, and drops into her seat. She has to fight back tears. She has never knowingly lied to a client before. At least not for personal gain.

Before Holly is even close to settling her nerves, Tanya knocks at the door and ushers Baljit into the room.

“How’s it going, Dr. Danvers?” Baljit plops herself onto the recliner and rolls up her sleeve, wordlessly demanding her IV therapy.

“OK, Baljit. How are you?”

She looks skyward. “Been better.”

“Are you sure you want to proceed with this today?” Holly asks, hoping the answer will be no.

“Want has nothing to do with it. I need.”

Holly has to steady her hand to insert the IV into Baljit’s forearm. After it’s secured, Holly turns on Baljit’s playlist of nineties female folk rock, straight out of Lilith Fair, and then robotically recites the same spiel she gave Simon about set and setting. Within minutes of the ketamine infusing into her vein, Baljit’s shoulders relax, and her right arm slips off the armrest.

Holly keeps her mouth shut, determined not to interrogate Baljit like she did Simon.

“God, I needed this,” Baljit murmurs. “Especially today.”

“Why today?”

“Because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to forgive him.”

“Who do you have to forgive?”

“My evil fucking dad,” she says with a laugh.

“What did he do to you?”

“What didn’t he do?” Baljit mutters. “Look, he can undermine me at the office all he wants. That’s fine. But to turn my daughter against me? That’s too shitty even for him.”

“How did he do that?”

“He told her I wasn’t a proper mom. That I put my own wants and needs first. That I’m not there for her like her Biji. Her grandmother.” Baljit groans. “Can you imagine anyone saying that to a seven-year-old? The one person in this world I love unconditionally. Sometimes, the only one I love at all.”

“That must have been difficult to hear.”

“No shit. But I forgive the bastard.” She laughs again. “You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because right now the universe wants me to forgive everyone. I can feel it.”

As tempted as Holly is to ask Baljit what she knows about Elaine and JJ, she can’t do it. Not after Simon. Instead, they lapse into silence, and Baljit’s head rolls from side to side along to the music.

“Liisa was so wrong about you,” Baljit says groggily.

“Liisa? Why do you mention her?”

“She tried to convince me what Elaine said about you was true. As if!” Baljit huffs. “You’re all right, Dr. Danvers.”

Holly’s breath catches. “Convince you, Baljit? I’m not following.”

“After… you know… the whole thing with Elaine and the touching.”

“What exactly did Liisa say?”

“She told me that women hardly ever make up claims like that.”

The hairs on Holly’s neck bristle. “Liisa told you that?”

“She said that abusers know how to turn accusations upside down. Make none of it sound credible. Typical victim-blaming stuff.”

Gaping at her blindfolded client, Holly struggles to keep her voice in check. “Liisa told you all that?”

“Yup. She even tried to convince me that maybe you’d also touched me while I was under. As if I’d let anyone get away with that shit!” She shakes her head. “Fuck Liisa! Acts like a know-it-all, but she’s as much of an addict as any of us. And Jesus, does she have a hate-on for you.”