Chapter 27

Thursday, April 18

All the recliners are full this morning. But it’s not because of any new tribe members. Tanya had wheeled the seventh chair out of the room earlier, arguing that it wasn’t needed since Holly had no groups of more than six. Holly saw right through her assistant’s excuse, appreciating that Tanya was only trying to protect her from reminders of Elaine.

Aside from JJ, the others had cruised through their first infusion after Elaine’s death. Holly can already sense the difference in the group. There’s less tension in their faces. The overall vibe in the room is much more relaxed. Except, of course, for JJ. She’s sitting in her usual chair this morning, but she has barely said a word and has avoided all eye contact since arriving. With her eyes glued to the floor, JJ’s glossy black hair is a curtain concealing her face.

“Not to be too graphic or anything.” Salvador giggles. “But it feels like the laxative finally kicked in after days and days of holding all that crap inside. Like poor JoJo.”

“Who’s JoJo?” Simon asks.

“One of my models. She was, anyway. Until the day she miscalculated her dose of laxatives before my show. Trust me, she wasn’t the only thing gliding down that catwalk.”

Baljit groans. “That’s gross, Sal. A literal shit show. But I got to admit it does make such a difference to get that little ketamine top-up.”

“Difference how?” Holly asks.

Baljit shrugs. “I can’t even put it into words.”

“It’s like a release,” Reese offers. “A circuit breaker in the cycle of craving.”

Simon jabs a finger in Reese’s direction “That’s exactly right! A circuit breaker. I love it!”

“But it’s nowhere near as intense as the dual therapy with ketamine and MDMA,” Liisa points out.

“That’s a good point.” Holly nods at her. “We wouldn’t expect to have such intense sensory-perceptual distortions using only a single psychedelic agent.”

“No idea what that mumbo jumbo means,” Salvador says. “But I’ll tell you this: that kitty flipping was wild! Totally OTT!”

“Did anyone have any visions on the ketamine alone?” Holly asks.

“No visions,” Simon says. “But I could feel everything super-intensely. The blindfold across my eyes, the pad of the chair against my back, and especially the music! Oh my god, the music! It was like it was coming from inside me. As if the whole band was playing inside my chest.”

Holly notices that JJ glances over to Simon, but she doesn’t remark on the similarities to what she described during her infusion.

“For me, it was more like a feeling,” Baljit says. “This sense of floating away from myself.”

“They call that depersonalization,” Liisa explains.

Baljit scoffs. “Whatever, Professor. But it didn’t feel like I was losing myself. It was more like I belonged to something else. Something bigger. Like the universe was giving me this giant bear hug.”

“Good,” Holly says. “That’s what we’re striving for.”

Liisa frowns. “Being part of some collective?”

Holly shakes her head, but before she can say anything, Baljit says, “Acceptance, right?”

“Exactly,” Holly says, wondering if Baljit is thinking of her father. “And after the ketamine, did you notice an effect on your compulsions? Your cravings?”

“Totally,” Simon says with a deferential nod to Reese. “Like she said, it kind of settled the urges. Took away that hunger.”

“Yes!” Salvador cries. “The horrible itch is gone. Or at least, manageable. Thank goddess! I can finally focus on work again. And just in time!”

“I fell off the wagon,” Reese blurts.

All eyes in the room dart to her. “After the ketamine?” Holly asks.

“No, right before.” Reese studies her hands. “The night before the infusion, of all days. I had some intense deadlines at work and I just… I bought a bottle of vodka on the way home. The guy at my local liquor store greeted me like some returning war hero. I had three—no, four—shots before I went to bed.”

Holly leans toward her. “It’s OK, Reese. There’s nothing short about this journey.”

“Totally.” Simon thumps his armrest. “When we started this, I doubt any of us expected to make it as long as you did.”

“It’s true.” Salvador nods vehemently. “Especially after we had to pause the psychedelics.”

“I must’ve driven past the casino ten times in the past week,” Baljit admits. “I even parked in the lot for ten minutes the other night and just stared at the entrance. If it wasn’t for my kid’s stupid ballet practice, I’d have fallen off the wagon, too. Guaranteed.”

Reese nods her appreciation without looking up. “I’m just… I’d hoped for better, is all.”

“Have you drunk again since our ketamine session?” Holly asks.

Reese shakes her head.

“See!” Salvador says. “It’s all you needed. A reset. Like the rest of us.”

Simon strums a hand in the air. “Just a speed bump on the journey. Forgotten before you reach home.”

Baljit eyes him suspiciously. “Isn’t that a line from one of your own songs?”

Simon drops his hand to his side. “Can I help it if I sing the truth?”

Baljit snorts. “Or you did in 1979, anyway.”

“I think we’re digressing here,” Holly says. “Let’s focus on how you felt before and after the ketamine infusion.”

The energetic discussion continues for another fifteen minutes, until time is up, but the one who’s usually the most animated contributes nothing.

Although aware of JJ’s silence during the session, Holly never called upon her. But as the others are filing out of the room, she asks, “JJ, can I have a quick word?”

She hesitates at the door. “My day is jam-packed, Dr. Danvers.”

With what, foundation lunches and cocktail parties?Holly wonders ungenerously, before catching herself. “Please, JJ. It’ll only take a minute or two.”

“All right.” JJ trudges back to the recliner and sits down, looping her handbag over the armrest.

Holly closes the door behind them and then sits down across from her. “I just wanted to talk to you about our session.”

JJ shakes her head. “I don’t remember it.”

“Nothing?”

“I remember you putting the IV in my arm. And the next thing I know I’m sitting back in the waiting room, feeling kind of groggy and nauseous. And you’re telling me I had a bad trip.”

“You did.”

JJ squints at her. “What does that mean? I don’t remember a thing.”

“It started off well. You were relaxed.” Holly smiles. “Totally absorbed in your playlist.”

JJ bites her lip. “And then?”

“You started to get agitated. You told me you couldn’t breathe. You became quite… frantic. You had a panic attack. That’s when I sedated you with the midazolam.”

“Which is why I don’t remember it?”

Holly nods. She crosses and uncrosses her legs, feeling unsure how to transition into the conversation she wants to have. “Listen, JJ, before the anxiety set in, you were telling me that you spoke to Elaine.”

JJ’s back straightens and her eyes narrow. “I did?”

“You said that you spoke to her after the group had already visited with her. The day she overdosed.”

JJ flicks her wrist backhanded as if trying to clear imaginary crumbs. “I was drugged. I didn’t know what I was saying.”

“You didn’t talk to Elaine again?”

JJ rises from her seat. “I really am late.”

“You kept telling me that you should have told her something.”

JJ grabs her bag. “I have to go.”

“It sounded to me as though you were blaming yourself. As if you should’ve warned her about something?”

JJ’s head spins toward Holly. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”

“I’m just trying to put the pieces—”

“This is not appropriate!” JJ snaps. “You drugging me! Wiping out my memory with some sedative? And then turning my words against me? None of it!”

Holly brings a hand to her chest. “I’m only trying to understand.”

“What the fuck, Dr. Danvers? How many lines are you planning to cross?”

Holly’s cheeks heat, but she keeps her tone neutral. “I’m not following.”

“First with Elaine. And now this with me? And all these drugs?”

“That’s not what—”

“And don’t think I didn’t see you!”

“See me where?” But Holly already knows, and she braces for the blow.

“Stoned out of your mind in your own office. Vaping DMT, no less. I looked it up. That’s hard-core!” Her voice rises with each sentence, and two red blotches appear on her fair cheeks. Her large dark eyes are almost wild. “What kind of doctor does that? Maybe you’re the one with the real problem.”

Ears pounding and face burning, Holly reaches a hand to JJ’s arm. “I can explain! It was after work. I thought the building was locked. It would be no different than if you had run into me at a bar after work and—”

JJ shrugs off Holly’s hand. “I don’t want to hear it. None of it!” She pivots and bolts out of the office.