Confusion

Confusion

Arabella

TO SAY I'M extremely confused right now would be an understatement. I've not had any contact with the guys since my birthday so long ago. Now, it feels as if every time I turn around, one of them is there waiting to get me alone for some conversation they feel we need to have. Yeah, I've been putting on a brave front when I told them we have nothing to say and things, but that's only because I had Brock and Sal there to help if I needed it. I know for a fact, Sal would have kicked Fallon and the others out of Slice of Heaven without hesitation if I had given him one look to let him know that I didn't want them in there. Instead, I said what I had to say and didn't let them talk to me again unless they were ordering. It's different on campus because I have to hide from so many people. I've simply added them to the list of people not to go around for any reason. I've found a ton of hiding spots that even Brock doesn't know where they are around campus, so those have become my sanctuary when I have to go somewhere between classes.

Though, the guys aren't the only ones following me around lately. I've caught more than a few guys following me through campus in attempts to find out where I'm hiding. My guess is one of the guys put them on my trail because they want to know where they can catch me completely alone. One of them is more persistent than the others though. I can't remember his name off the top of my head, but I know he's in a few of my classes. I've just never interacted with him before. This guy is the one I've had to ditch on a repeated basis because he's almost found multiple hiding spots of mine and I can't let that happen. There's only so many spots I can hide around here and remain safe. If this guy takes even one away from me, I won't be able to find another one.

Brock understands my need to have alone time when we're not in the library. He's given me the space I require because at the end of the day, my friend only wants what's best for me. So, we still spend time together in the library between a few classes and when it's his tutoring time. He's also started coming into Slice of Heaven when he knows I work until closing. He hates that I still refuse to accept a ride from him at any time. Unfortunately, I won't ever change that part of my life. Brock doesn't need to know where I come from or anything regarding that part of my life. Well, more than what he already sees when I come to school beaten and hurt to the point I can't hide it any longer.

Today, I'm sitting under a tree at the very edge of campus behind the library. It's hidden from view as I eat the leftover slice of pizza I brought with me today. Sal sent me home with a ton of food last night and thankfully there was enough left for me to wrap a slice up to bring with me. I kept a small amount at Mrs. Andrews because I don't trust my mother or her ‘boyfriends' not to do something to any food that's in the house. It's one of the many reasons I don't leave Vinnie's formula out in the open because I don't trust anyone in that house and I won't risk anything happening to my baby brother.

As I eat my pizza with a textbook open on my lap, I don't even bother to pretend to read the words in front of me. My entire focus is on trying to figure out what the guys need to talk to me about. If I give in, I'll only be painting a larger target on my back for Karmen and the rest of her little minions. Personally, that target is large enough already and I don't need to do anything to add to it. So, a conversation with any of the guys will never happen if I can continue preventing it.

Every single time I'm around one of the guys, I'm assaulted by the memories of my past with them. A past where I had hope and dreamed of a better life. One that was ripped from me without a second thought from anyone involved with me at that point. My family members turned their back on me and didn't give a shit about anything that was happening. The second I lost my dad, my entire world crumbled and there's no way I'll ever be able to repair the damage that's been done. So, seeing the guys and being close to them brings nothing but pain and torment to me on a daily basis. Especially when they are close to me. The guys each smell so very good and different from one another. Their cologne and individual scents wash over me and coat me in a feeling of safety and love. The kind of love children feel for one another. A love I naively believed would survive the world we lived in.

"I found one of your hidin' spots it seems," Brock says, walking up to me and plopping down on the ground next to me.

"What are you doing, Brock?" I ask him, my voice full of fear as he rips me from the thoughts circling my head.

"I was simply walkin' through campus and found you. Though, I have to admit, you have a tail and he's been here for a while from what I can tell," Brock states, looking toward the library. Sure enough, the guy who's the most persistent is standing there with his phone in hand as he doesn't even bother to look at me.

"You don't ever come over to this side of campus for any reason, Brock. I might not know much about you, but I do know that. So, again, why are you here?" I question him, my voice soft and gentle so he knows I'm not upset or angry with him.

"I was lookin' for you, Arabella. I'm worried about this shit goin' on with you. If you're not hidin' out from those skanks, then you're hidin' from Fallon and the rest of his group. When is this shit gonna end for you?" he returns, his own voice almost a whisper as he turns to look at me so I can see the concern filling his face.

"I'm okay, Brock. My life is nothing but one fucked up thing after another. If there's one thing I know more than anything, it's that I will never get out of this fucked up life if I remain in High Point. Everything I do is for my brother and in the hopes that I'll get out of here eventually. I can go somewhere no one knows me or the hell I've suffered through my entire life. Well, since the day I turned ten," I tell him, giving my friend a little more insight into my life without even meaning to.

That's how lost in my head I've been. For the first time I've given information to another person. Information that they can use against me because once you let someone in, they always turn their back on you eventually. It's just a matter of time before Brock follows the same path as everyone else.

"I'm sorry, Arabella. I'm sure you'll get out of here. If you want, I'll go with you. There's nothin' at all keepin' me in High Point. You don't have to do this shit alone. You'll never be alone again if I can help it, Arabella. I might not be your man, but I am your friend. I'll guard your secrets with my life and make sure no one gets close to you as often as I can," he says as tears fill my eyes and spill over before I can stop them. Brock's words truly mean the world to me even if I know they're nothing more than a lie.

"Brock, you can't say things like that. Everyone in my life has always left me for one reason or another. My dad. Then my grandparents. My mother treats me no better than a punching bag. The only person who hasn't left me at this point is my baby brother. Vinnie will eventually leave me as well. He'll move on and live his own life. At the end of the day, I'll always be the one who's never good enough and will always remain alone. I'll be that crazy, old cat lady who everyone fears because I can't seem to ever prove my worth to anyone. It's just a matter of time before you leave me too, Brock," I tell him, my voice hitching with the tears and other emotions filling me.

Brock wraps his arm around my shoulders and holds me close. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes. Together we simply sit under the shade of the tree and I cry in public for the first time. I hate crying in front of anyone because it makes me weaker than I already am. If Karmen or anyone else sees me right now, they'll only use this shit against me even more than they use everything else against me. Nothing I do is ever going to be the right move or good enough for anyone around me. The only chance I have to combat that is to get out of this town and away from everyone who's beaten me and put me down my entire life.

"I'm never gonna leave you, Arabella. I'll do whatever it takes to prove that shit to you because you are good enough. These stupid fucks in High Point don't see the treasure that you truly are. I've never met someone with such a large heart as the one you have. You're stronger than you know and it's proven to me every fuckin' day I see you. You get out of bed, take care of your brother, come to this fuckin' place, and go to work. You tutor others and let those you choose not to work with down gently. If it ever came down to it, I don't believe you'd ever be capable of hurtin' another person for any reason. That's the reason I want to be your friend. Arabella, if anyone is worthy of my friendship, it's you because you're the only genuine person I've met in this fucked up town," Brock finally says without moving his body away from mine.

Right now, I take the strength he's lending me. Along with the body heat coming from him. Brock is one of the best people I know and I'm lucky to call him my friend. It's something I won't ever take for granted because I know I won't find another man as good as he is. Too bad I couldn't feel something for him the way I've felt about those who shall not be named for far too long. That's another advantage to getting the hell out of High Point the very second I'm able to. I will not become my mother and simply accept that I will remain stuck in the poor section of town with no job prospects or anything else. High Point will beat me down until there's absolutely nothing left.

***

Today has been long and exhausting. Every fucking day is the same for me. For the most part, my body has healed and I can function without being completely filled with pain. My ribs still give me a twinge of pain every now and then, but it's getting better the more I continue to move around. Now, it's because I spend all of my time hiding and looking over my shoulder even more than normal that I feel so damn tired all the time. If anything, the guys are showing me that I'm glad I don't have anything to do with them any longer. Being their friend would be positively exhausting without all the hiding and games they're trying to play.

It"s also the first time I'm going to attempt to go in the house with my mother for longer than it takes to drop off the food from Slice of Heaven. Mrs. Andrews is prepared to watch Vinnie for a few minutes longer so I can determine if it's safe for him to be brought back to the house or not. If not, then I'll go back to the neighbor's house so I can stay with him.

Walking up the steps that I'm surprised still hold my weight, I listen for any sounds coming from inside the house. Right now, everything is silent and I release the breath I was holding. Either no one's home at this time or my mother has kicked the current asshole out for one reason or another. More than likely because he didn't have any more drugs or alcohol on him. I have no clue why she does anything, but right now, it's even worse because she's so completely unpredictable. The only time she was never like this is when my dad was still alive. He always gave her what she wanted and there's no one to do that on a regular basis for her now. Every single guy she brings in has one agenda and that's it. It's all about what they can gain from her in the form of sex, drugs, alcohol, and everything else they can think of.

I open the door of the house and cringe as it creaks loud in the air around me. Stepping inside, I close the door behind me and find my mother half passed out on the couch. Or what's left of it. The entire thing is twisted and resting at an angle now. The end closest to the door is missing and the fabric covering the cushions is shredded even worse than ever before. As I step closer to her, wanting to see if she's still alive, my mother opens one eye and looks at me. She sits up faster than I expect and looks at me with a sneer on her face.

"I've been looking all over this house for your stash of money. Where the fuck is it?" she demands, her voice hard and shaky as withdrawals hit her hard.

"I don't have any money," I lie to her, knowing she'll take every penny I have if I let her.

"Don't fucking lie to me! I know you have money hidden somewhere in this house. Give it to me. Right now," she again demands, getting off the couch and swaying on her feet as she attempts to make her way over to me.

"No. I'm done giving you the money I work hard for. If you want money, I suggest you get a job and make your own. The money I have pays the bills for this house, brings in a little bit of food, and takes care of your son. All things I shouldn't have to deal with because you're the parent," I tell her, knowing I'm going to anger her as usual.

For the first time, I realize every single time I give into my mother, I'm doing nothing but enabling her. Not just to take the drugs she's grown to care about more than anything else, but I'm enabling her to continue treating me like shit because I'm consistently giving into her demands. I've done nothing but try to earn her love and make her proud of me. That's never going to happen and it's a hard pill to swallow. It's one thing for me to think about her never loving me or treating me the way a mom treats her children. To realize that I'll always be nothing more than a walking punching bag and ATM for her is something else entirely. The only person I would've ever made proud is my dad and he's no longer here to take care of me.

Before I can move or attempt to defend myself, my mother launches herself at me. My mother beats the hell out of me and I can barely get my hands up to cover my face so she doesn't leave marks and other bruises where everyone can see them. it's bad enough I'm leaving the rest of my body and neck open to her. My mother will hurt me wherever I leave exposed. Despite the withdrawal going through her and making her feel like shit and shake, she has more strength than I believe she could possibly have right now. Her hits feel like sledgehammers against my body as I cry out in pain.

"Stop!" I yell at her, my voice breaking as she hits me again causing me to bite down on my tongue hard enough to draw blood.

"Not until you give me money, you little bitch. You owe me and that's never going to change," she growls out, spittle flying all over my face as she continues to beat the hell out of me.

I don't know how long my mother's tirade goes on for. Time loses all meaning to me as I try to defend myself from both her hits against my body and the vile words leaving her mouth. It's just one more day I'm told how worthless, unlovable, and selfish I am. This is nothing new to me and a major part of the reason I know how horrible I am. Brock's words might be how he sees me, but at the end of the day, I'm told repeatedly by everyone who has known me for years what a piece of shit I am. Eventually he'll realize it's true and move on to find a different friend. Especially once he gets a girlfriend. I'm not ever going to come between him and someone he wants to be with. So, it's time for me to start building the walls back up even higher and stronger than before to protect myself.

When my mother finally tires herself out from beating on me, she leaves the house. The slamming of the door behind her shakes the entire front of the small structure. One of these days it's going to fall completely down and she won't give a shit. If anything, she'll hope I'm inside and it hurts me, if not worse. I take a few minutes to collect myself and make sure I can move without pain ricocheting through me. It doesn't work, but the attempt is there.

It takes longer than I'd like to admit, but I finally make my way slowly back over to Mrs. Andrews' house. She opens the door for me when I knock and ushers me inside. After once again cleaning me, I assure her I'm more than capable of moving around. It's just going to be slower than normal. Deciding to get away from her for a while so I don't have to see the pity filling her eyes when she looks at me, I grab Vinnie and change him before leaving her house with him in a used stroller I managed to find for cheap. I walk him down to the park and thankfully it's empty. No drug dealers are hanging out here today. Not many people come here, but for me, it's an escape from the hell where most of my nightmares take place.

For a few hours, I push Vinnie on the swings and listen to his carefree giggles. This is the only time I ever feel peace. Vinnie is the only person who will ever bring me peace and a sense of being loved and worthy enough for anyone. When he starts rubbing his eyes, I know it's time to head back to Mrs. Andrews' house. By the time we get there, I've got a fine layer of sweat covering me from the pain. Mrs. Andrews helps me feed and bathe my brother before getting him into bed. The very second Vinnie goes to sleep, I lower myself into the small bed and pray sleep claims me sooner rather than later tonight. I'm exhausted and the pain doesn't always allow me to sleep. Tonight, I hope it's not the case because I'm more than ready to forget everything about this day and move on to tomorrow.