Chapter 58

fifty-eight

DYLAN

That night, I hardly slept. If Alex’s anger wasn’t enough to cope with, my PTSD had raised its ugly head. The more I tried to identify the trigger, the worse it got. So much had happened over the last twenty-four hours that I struggled to make sense of anything.

By four o’clock in the morning, I’d packed my suitcase and was ready to leave. The chance of bumping into Alex was slim, but I didn’t want to risk it. So I stayed in my room, reading some reports my team had sent me. If someone had asked me what the reports were about, I couldn’t have told them. But at least it helped reduce my anxiety and stopped some of my tears from falling.

Thankfully, by seven o’clock, Connor and Jeremy were ready to drive back to Boulder.

The last thing I had to do was return Alex’s satellite phone. I walked into his office and looked at the bare walls. With a heavy heart, I remembered the photos of his project team. The maps, the random sheets of paper, and the color-coded lines on the whiteboard that gave the room character .

It was like standing in a living room after the Christmas tree had been taken down. The office felt cold and empty, as if the heart of the room had disappeared along with the things that made it special.

I placed the satellite phone on Alex’s desk and hoped that one day, he could forgive me.

“Are you ready?” Jeremy stood in the doorway, concern etched into the hard lines of his face.

I forced a smile. “Just about. I want to leave a note for Alex.”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

I didn’t know anymore. Jeremy told me that Alex had gone back to the ranger’s house, leaving us to pack our belongings and head home.

I took a deep breath, pushing at the black walls trying to suffocate me. Hurting Alex was never my intention. I was sent here to do a job. I’d done it, but it came at a cost I never expected.

Tears filled my eyes. “It seems wrong to leave without saying goodbye.”

Jeremy stared at me for a few seconds before walking across the room. He opened his arms, and I stepped into his tight embrace. “I know your PTSD’s back. You’ll be okay. Connor and I will look after you.”

The walls I was trying to hold up crumbled. I sobbed into Jeremy’s shoulder, letting go of everything that was wrong in my life. When the worst of my tears had passed, I took a deep, shuddering breath and stepped away.

Jeremy reached for something on the desk. “You’d better use these.”

A box of tissues landed in my hands. I forced a smile, wanting him to know how much his kindness meant to me. “Thanks. ”

“You’re welcome. We’re having lunch at Pastor Adam’s house tomorrow. You should come.”

I wasn’t the only person with PTSD. Jeremy and Connor had learned how to live with their symptoms. Along with eight other men and women, they regularly went to Pastor Adam’s support group. I’d gone to a few meetings when I first arrived in Boulder, but I hadn’t been back in months.

“Lunch sounds like a good idea.” I blew my nose and took a deep breath. “You’re right about the note to Alex. Some things are better left unsaid.” There would be plenty of time to think about what happened later. Right now, I needed to go home and reset my life.

With shaking hands, I zipped up my jacket. “Okay. Let’s go.” And after one last look around the office, I left.