Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty-Three

Aspen

"Aspen, we need to talk." Anderson bangs the door of my room.

Thank you, Brynn, for always having my back.

What happened to "don't worry, A, I'll just go outside to tell him to fuck off and make us some breakfast?" That was an hour ago, I think.

"I won't leave until you hear me out."

"You have a mission," I remind him, hiding under my blankets.

"Exactly, you're putting the lives of others in danger by not listening to me."

For fucks sake, did he have to say that? Blame me for the failure of an entire mission. Now, I'm the selfish bitch who killed thousands of people just because she decided not to hear whatever her…what are we now? Ex?

Breathing out loud, I get out of my bed, pull a pair of leggings and a sweater on before going out to confront Anderson. Am I confronting him? I shake my head getting rid of the irrational thoughts. As I open the door, I spot him right in front of me. Arms crossed over his broad chest, leaning against the door frame.

His gaze slowly slides down my body; a smile curves those lips upward as his eyes fall on my breasts. It's now when I realize I'm wearing a tight, low-cut sweater with no bra. "Nice, never seen you in that before."

I push my shoulders back, tilting my chin up and let him appreciate the view because…well, it's not like he hasn't seen them before. I think I'm still drunk. "What are you doing here?"

"How are you feeling today?" He pushes himself off the wall uncrossing his arms and picking up a tote bag I didn't notice before. After a quick rake of his eyes down me, he extends his hand. "Brought you something."

"No, thank you." I glare at him.

"So, you don't like tater tots?" My eyebrows rise in skepticism, cautiously I take the tote bag. Moving my eyes back at him, I spot a smug smile on those lips. "Homemade. Just like Mom used to make them."

"You made them for me?" I narrow my gaze on him, he smiles. "There's no ketchup."

He pulls a couple of ketchup packets from his pocket. "That's going to cost you."

I extend my hand, palm up wiggling my fingers twice. "What do you want?"

He places one packet on my hand, his fingers caress my skin. That electrical surge of desire swells through me. His green eyes darken, he lowers his voice. "Many things."

"Are yesterday's texts still open to discussion?"

"What texts?" I frown, running to my nightstand to check my phone.

Me: Why can't you be an average citizen?

Me: Why did you make me fall so hard?

Me: You broke me, I can't live without you, but you will leave me.

Me: I want to marry you and have children and have a beautiful life and dirty sex.

Why did Brynn let me text him? Friends don't let friends drunk text!

Brooklyn, I hate you. I swallow the words for a later time.

"I was drunk." Opening the container, I stare at the pieces of golden potato goodness. All of those are just for me. "It meant nothing."

"I love when your mouth says one thing, but your heart tells me a different story." My connection with the tater tots is interrupted by his words. When I look at him, his smug smile grows wider. I feel my frown deepen. "Aspen, give me a chance to?—"

"We are over," I cut him off, lifting the container, checking if I wore shoes because getting more ketchup is part of my new mission. "Thank you for the tots and have a nice life."

Bravo, a dignified goodbye. Much better than yesterday's breakdown.

"If you say so, I understand." He hunches his shoulders. Have I finally defeated him? Shoving his hand into his pocket and showing me a handful of ketchup packets. "Five minutes?"

"You, dirty player, you." I grab them from him. He made them, for me. "You're taking advantage of someone who has a killer hangover and loves homemade tots."

His pins his hot gaze on me, hungry. "I'd like to play dirty with you." His voice lowers, he runs his hand along my face. "Just imagine all the filthy things we can do to each other."

Dirty, filthy.

I swallow hard, my pulse skyrockets and heat courses through me as his fingers trace my jawline. He leans in, his mouth brushing my ear. "There's our spark, ready to ignite the fire. You love to burn inside with me."

"Spark. What spark?" I sound like an idiot or a foreigner learning a new word. "We are not fireworks or …what do you mean?"

"You want me to give you a scientific explanation?" The amusement in his face is calming my need for him, but the husky voice is making every cell of my body vibrate—for him. His hand travels down my neck, continuing down my spine. My back arches, my hips almost press against his. "There's none. It's like air, like love. No one can see it, but you know it exists."

He places a kiss on the back of my ear sending a thunderous shock that travels all the way to my toes. "I missed you last night. I missed having you in my arms. Did you miss it?"

I try to sober up. Stepping away from him, I inch closer to the wall in front of my door.

"I know you did, you miss the heat we create while I devour you."

My throat is thick as if a hand is grasping it tight, squeezing every word out before they can reach my mouth. No, stop him. Stop this madness before you lose your mind forever.

"Hawk," I gasp.

Breathe , try again. "I'm going to stop you right there and ask you to think for one moment. We're both vulnerable and can't think straight," I say, the adult in me is in charge. No more hall passes or free days for me. I have to get over him. "Whatever happened between us is due to us needing comfort."

His palms lay flat on the wall, arms caging me like a prey. "Is that you speaking or the fear?"

"What, what are you saying?" I stutter, holding the tote bag for dear life with both hands—I swear it's the only thing that's keeping my noodle-like legs standing.

"Carter said some really fucked up shit to you. I think you're running from his words."

"No, this is my decision because I can only do casual." I find the right excuse for my weak behavior.

"You can't let the fear win. You can't give up on us so quickly." His arms release me and run both hands through his dark hair, fisting it. "Aspen, you're the best reason to return from every job. My heart and my soul belong to you."

I stare down at his combat boots, wishing…what do I do with that? I've never been as confused in my adult life as I am today. I feel lightheaded, tired. This time I recognize that I'm right on the edge of the abyss. I'm too close; and if I take a misstep, I'll fall. It's a place I don't want to visit. The last time it took me years to come out of it. Anderson's presence is pushing me to the black hole.

Breathe, Aspen. Don't lose it in front of Anderson. You've done great for the past few weeks.

Anderson tilts my chin up, forcing me to meet his eyes. "I hate to leave this situation hanging like this. Yes, this can be my last mission. The thing about life is that we all die, Aspen."

"My feelings for you are stronger than the ones I had for him, Hawk," I mumble, chewing on my lip. "I told you, everything with you magnifies into the biggest exponent, infinite. My love for you is eternal, I fell hard."

Inhaling, I bring myself to finish us, to free myself from further ache.

He nods once, waiting for me to say more. "Do you really want to break up?"

My brain says yes, my heart yells to shut up and my mouth remains close. Why is it that I can't breathe?

Anderson

She remains quiet, assimilating my words while fighting whatever is going inside her head. I remain as close as she allows, anticipating a backlash or a full-blown panic attack. Biting her lip and shaking her head, her eyes meet mine again.

"Maybe." Her voice shakes, her eyes fill with moisture.

Fuck, she's stubborn.

"Aspen, I can die at any time."

She chokes, the pain flowing out of her pores. Shit, I forget she can't fathom the thought of me dying.

Continue, you have to destroy these walls before you leave.

"Whenever I die, I'll die a happy man. I experienced the perfect love."

The darkness in her eyes lightens up. She's so beautiful, and I'm so lucky to have her. I still can't believe that this gorgeous woman who hid her heart for many years opened it for me .

She loves me .

She chose me .

She has to battle those demons for us.

I rub the back of my neck, finding the right words to convince her to at least think about us. "Look, not many experience the joy I have for these past weeks. You held my hand during the hardest moments of my life, and took the pain away from me."

Taking her hand, I kiss it. "I'd rather live one day with you by my side than a hundred years wondering if I had a soulmate."

"I'm a coward," she mumbles.

"No, you're hurt and the people you loved abandoned you when you needed them the most." I don't say her mother.

"Will you come back?" I nod.

"Of course, I have something in my apartment waiting for you," I say, smiling at her. "Including candy."

"The way Carter said it. I…" She throws her arms around me, holding me so tight. I return the embrace. "I love you, don't doubt it. With all my heart, and I'm the lucky one because you brought me back from a dark place. You're so patient and caring."

"Anderson, I hate to say this, but we have to go, buddy." Tiago's timing sucks.

"You'll be back," she says with conviction, her eyes staring into mine. "This is something I have to work on, fix my life and face everything I've tried to avoid. I've already faced my biggest challenge."

"What was it?"

"Falling for you." She kisses me. I groan into her mouth, murmuring how much I love her. It will only be a few weeks without her.