Chapter 11 Tara

Chapter 11

Tara

T here was no way in hell Tara should have agreed to what she just had. If she hadn't woken up from a deeply illicit dream to find herself groping Holly—and Holly not minding—if she hadn't been driven to distraction by Holly's miles-long legs and the curls escaping from her braid, she wouldn't have agreed to any kind of fling, parameters or no.

As she stood under the scalding water, she wondered if Holly would hear her if she had a quick, tiny orgasm. Probably. It was a very small room.

She needed to clear her head, because she couldn't spend the entire day obsessing about what would happen when they finally got into bed together that night. She was here to celebrate Miriam and Noelle, and she was not going to make their big day about her. More to the point, it was December 21, which meant it was Miriam's birthday, and she had some shitty birthdays to make up for.

Through the bathroom door, she heard Holly's voice murmur and then Cole's shout. Well, it was Cole's normal volume; it was just several times louder than anyone else's.

"Everyone is needed at breakfast immediately! It's Mimi's birthday and Mrs. Matthews has prepared a surprise! It's blintzes! Which I think is a weird surprise but apparently Mimi loved them as a child!"

He knocked, then yanked the door open without waiting for an answer. Only because she'd been prepared for him to do this did she not burn herself on her flat iron. "Your hair is straight enough!" he declared. "We must celebrate the perfection that is Miriam Blum! MOVE YOUR CUTE BUTT!"

Tara looked down and realized she was still in her bra and slip. She sighed. "I don't have clothes on."

Cole pouted. "But we'll be late, and I won't see Miriam's face when she sees the blintzes! You can't do that to me!"

"Well, go without me. You don't need me to go down to breakfast," Tara said, unplugging and stowing her flat iron and checking her mascara while they talked. She'd spent most of the past two hours on her makeup, but a femme needed her face on, after all.

"I do need you! I have been without you for months! Months! I have not touched your beautiful face since May !"

Tara shook her head, patting a tiny bit more cream blush into the apples of her cheeks. "You know I don't like it when you touch my face. You have to stop touching people's faces."

"That's not what Sawyer says!" he singsonged.

She watched him in the mirror. He wasn't going to budge. "You're standing in front of my dress."

Reaching back over his head with his immense wingspan, he whipped it at her. She pulled it over her head, and he zipped her up while she put on lipstick. From the room outside, Holly said, "Wow. Y'all are truly one person in two bodies."

"Unkind," Tara accused, patting Cole to get him to move out of her way. She sat on the bed to slip on her flats and noticed that Holly had dressed and fixed her hair while Tara had been in the bathroom. Disappointing.

Reaching into her suitcase, Tara produced a ceramic doll nearly the size of Kringle. It had a cap of frizzy blond hair and giant blinking green eyes, and wore a lavender dress with layers of lace in the petticoat. She set the doll on her lap to straighten its dress, and both Cole and Holly recoiled.

"You stole the doll! Wait, you stole from a Daughter of Bilitis?!" Holly sounded both proud and horrified.

"You met a Daughter of Bilitis?" Cole asked. "Wait! Back up! You stole? Without me?! I thought you were on the straight and narrow. Also, importantly, we need to immediately call a priest for an exorcism. Never mind Miriam's birthday."

These two. Tara shook her head. "I paid Barb for this doll, fair and square. I don't steal anymore."

"We stole a truck last Thanksgiving!" Cole reminded her.

She glared at him. "I don't steal from nice lesbian ladies who offer us hospitality. And we can't exorcise whatever ghost is probably in this doll before celebrating Miriam's birthday, because the ghost is the birthday gift."

Many birthdays, Tara had dragged Miriam to some society party or law firm dinner in lieu of celebrating, because the holiday season was peak schmoozing time. Even when she'd taken Miriam out for a nice birthday dinner, it had been somewhere she could see and be seen. Because they hadn't been in love, Tara had told herself it was fine to not do anything romantic, but she'd also been a bad friend.

This year, she was determined to make amends. With a ghost.

"I'm mad that this is a much better birthday present than mine," Cole told her.

"I'm mad that you didn't tell me it was Miriam's birthday," Holly added.

She shrugged. "We can say it's from both of us. It was your idea, after all, and that's a couple thing, right? Joint gifts."

Holly eyed the doll. Its eyes blinked lazily. She shook her head. "You take all the credit, actually."

Having grown up in a city haunted beyond imagining, one creepy doll barely registered for Tara.

As they left the room, Holly whispered to her, "I get to un zip you from that dress, right? Also, what's a blintz?"

Mr. and Mrs. Matthews were waiting for them in the dining room along with the guests and the rest of the Carrigan's staff. A perfectly matched pair of outdoorsy silver foxes, who must be Tara's parents' age, the Matthewses had aged gracefully into their love and bodies instead of turning into gin-soaked, Botoxed, fake-tanned wax statues. They were both a little soft and faded, with wrinkles that spoke of laughter, like a perfectly worn flannel. Tara had been deeply jealous, when she'd met them last Thanksgiving, of every kid who got to grow up with them as parents, real or surrogate. Which, according to Hannah, was every kid they'd ever interacted with. To hear her tell it, Ben Matthews had never met a child he didn't try to be a dad to.

Tara's own father, like Miriam's and Cole's, had never met a child he didn't actively try to avoid parenting.

The squeal of delight Miriam let out when she walked into a dining room full of singing people and fresh blintzes was very sweet. Her shriek of pure joy when she saw the doll was very gratifying. Kringle came over to investigate, hissed loudly at the doll, and ran away to hide around Levi's neck.

Levi laughed. "It's nice to have some real ghosts in this hotel, not just the ghosts of our pasts."

His wife shook her head vigorously. "Hard disagree, babe. Put that thing out in the Carriage House, Mir."

Miriam pouted, hugging the doll. "But I love her and I've named her Lisa."

Leaning down, Noelle peered at the doll. "I like her. She looks like she might murder us in our sleep."

Noelle had a tattoo of Lizzie Borden, so this was probably genuine praise.

"Fine!" Miriam said. "I'll put her in the Carriage House. If she curses the main house in retaliation for you all kicking her out, though, it's not my fault!" She smiled at Tara. "You're my favorite ex-girlfriend."

Tara held up a hand for a high five, which Miriam returned on her way outside with Lisa. Noelle gave Tara a thumbs-up. This was admittedly surreal, after last year. Noelle had been jealous, Tara had been hurt, Miriam had been a hot mess, and none of them could have foreseen this easy camaraderie.

"Are they… always like this? All of them?" Holly asked, but before Tara could answer, she realized Holly was talking to Mrs. Matthews and including Tara in "all of them." Tara almost objected, but she found she sort of liked being lumped in with this ragtag group of hooligans. It was a hell of a lot more flattering than the other groups she usually got lumped in with. She might not really be part of this tight-knit chosen family, but she wouldn't mind if she were.

Mrs. Matthews nodded. "Oh, they're often much worse. I suspect you'll see it as the wedding events ramp up. This crew never misses a chance for trouble."

Levi rubbed his hands together. "We do love a dangerous, reckless idea."

From her seat at the breakfast table next to Tara, Hannah grumbled, "He always acts like the Shenanigans mastermind, but we all know it's me."

Tara snorted. "Cole does the same thing to me." She turned to Hannah and dropped her voice. The whole group had stuffed themselves into one of the circular tables in the dining room, but they were so loud they couldn't hear anything. "How are you feeling?"

Hannah shuddered. Tara noticed that she was wearing a lot more foundation than usual, but it wasn't quite hiding the fact that her beautiful olive complexion was noticeably green around the gills. "Pukey? Tired? I always have to pee, and I hate everyone? Also my boobs hurt so much ."

"Yeah, it's ridiculous that no one has noticed. They're much bigger than usual. Spectacular—"

Hannah nodded. "Thank you, aren't they?"

"But really, obviously bigger." Tara dropped her voice even lower, knowing there were interfering family ears all around them. "When are y'all thinking about telling everyone?"

"Can we not tell them?" Hannah asked ruefully. "Is that an option? Can we just mysteriously have a baby one day?"

Tara raised an eyebrow at her.

"I know, I know, in some ways it would be easier if everyone knew," Hannah explained, picking at the tablecloth, "but I don't have the energy right now to deal with everyone's opinions, which they're all going to have. Especially our moms. I don't usually mind working with my mother-in-law but even the best woman in the world may get weird about her grandbaby."

Putting a hand over Hannah's to stop her fidgeting, Tara said seriously, "I think it's going to be amazing." Then, to distract her friend, she asked, "Do you think he's trying to talk my girlfriend into something nefarious?" She inclined her head toward where Levi was talking to Holly.

Holly was nodding thoughtfully as he gesticulated wildly. Tara thought the two of them might get along a little too well. She suspected Levi would approve of a fake dating scheme.

Eventually, the guests wandered off to do whatever activities Hannah had scheduled, the room quieted, and Miriam insisted on hearing the entire story of Barb, her dolls, her vintage menu (this was of more interest to Levi, who was updating the Carrigan's menu), and her lesbian activism.

"It sounds kind of epic," Noelle observed.

"It was a very different experience than the next day at Cricket's, I'll say that," Holly agreed.

As one, Cole and Miriam turned to Tara.

"YOU TOOK HER TO CRICKET'S?" they both yelled.

Tara winced.

"Who's Cricket?" Hannah and Levi asked in unison, looking like they wished they had a bucket of popcorn.

"Were you trying to get her to break up with you?" Miriam asked, sounding horrified.

"Let me guess," Cole said, pinning her with an uncharacteristic glare from his ocean-blue eyes. "It seemed like the only option at the time."

That was the thing. She could think of a million lies she could have told her family now, but it had seemed like the only option. It always did.

"Believe me, I know I was wrong."

"I would have forgiven you for dying in a snowdrift and ruining my wedding," Miriam told her, "if I'd known it was to avoid your aunt Cricket." Under her breath, she muttered, "This girl must like you a lot."

Tara didn't want to think about the fact that she'd exposed Miriam to Aunt Cricket's bigotry, and would, someday, do the same again with a real girlfriend. Assuming she wanted her family to keep speaking to her, which was the only reason she was trying to get married to begin with.

She wondered idly if she could pay an actress to pretend to be her wife a few weeks a year.

Her family would eventually find out. In Charleston, everyone eventually found out everything.

After the blintz breakfast, Cole insisted that he needed to go into Advent for Best Man Duties. And he needed Tara, but not Holly, to come with him. Tara was deeply suspicious about this.

"We can't just leave Holly here. It's rude," she explained patiently to Cole. "She's my guest. And my girlfriend ."

Cole balled his hands on his hips, chewing on his lip. "Well, there's the library. I mean, there are two libraries, the one in the inn and the one in Advent. Collin's diner is a good place for her to hang out."

"Alternately," Mrs. Matthews interjected, "you could hang out and bake with me."

Cole made huge puppy-dog eyes at Tara, and she sighed.

"I'll hang out and bake!" Holly insisted. "And if Mrs. Matthews kicks me out, I'll go hang out in the library or at Collin's. All great options."

"See!" Cole said, gesturing at Holly. "She's fine. And when you come back, she can welcome you with extra kisses. Absence makes the heart grow fonder!"

"Yes," Holly teased, "I will happily welcome you back with extra kisses."

Reluctantly, Tara followed Cole downstairs and out of the inn, although at least half of her brain was trying to talk her into digging in her heels and going back to kiss the hell out of Holly.

Once she and Cole were in the truck on the way to Advent, she turned to him. "What is happening right now? I'm sure you don't have a best man emergency."

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "Well. Here's the thing."

Then he stopped talking.

She waited.

"You're the only family I have left."

She kept waiting. Where was he going with this?

"That sounds like a consolation prize, but you've met the rest of my family. You were probably the only family I ever had, and you're certainly the only one I'd ever choose to keep."

"Miriam is your family," she told him. "This whole group here. They're thrilled to have you."

"No, I know, but like. Not to ever dismiss the importance of queer found family but… there's something irreplaceable about someone who grew up with you and knows all your shit. Miri has that with Hannah and Levi, and that's their whole, like, unbreakable bond thing." He waved with one hand, and she bit her tongue to not tell him to keep both hands on the wheel in case the road was icy.

She wondered if he really needed her, or if anyone who had grown up witness to his family dysfunction would do. "Okay, so you need a family member, why?" she asked instead of voicing this.

It felt maudlin, and she didn't want to ask him for reassurances. Plus, she'd noticed he hadn't ended a single sentence with an exclamation point for several minutes, which meant he was serious about whatever this was.

He scrunched up his shoulders, in that way he did when he was nervous. "I need you to meet Sawyer."

She'd kind of been expecting this, but still, she was surprised that he was placing so much weight on it. "I've met Sawyer, remember? At the bar, the night Miriam and I broke up? The same night you met Sawyer. Also I had dinner with him yesterday. He was very lovely and hilarious."

Nodding, he said, "Yes, but I need you to meet my boyfriend Sawyer."

Bless Cole's nostalgic sentimentality (and, as he'd pointed out, absolute lack of other viable family)—if he believed he needed her for this, she would be there for him. She'd be his stand-in family, even if it was destined to be temporary. He was building a new life here, and eventually he wouldn't need to hang on to his childhood attachment to her.

Why did that make her tear up? It was ridiculous, to feel both jealousy and grief that her best friend was falling in love. She was committed to showing Cole only joy, so she looked out the window for a second, blinking until she could smile brightly at him with no hint of more complicated emotions.

They met up with Sawyer at Ernie's, the dive bar where he bartended. It was, as far as Tara could tell, the only bar in Advent, and she remembered the food being good and the owner lovely, even if it was the scene of her most humiliating breakup.

The owner came out to greet them. Ernie was a young Black woman who had, if Tara remembered correctly, inherited the bar from her grandmother, her namesake and the original Ernie. She had on an incredible red lipstick and giant Bakelite earrings in the shape of monstera leaves. She was wearing beat-up Chuck Taylors, ripped skinny jeans, and a Bad Brains shirt. It was almost exactly what she'd been wearing when Tara met her a year ago. Tara respected a work uniform.

"Ernestine!" Cole cried, holding his arms out.

"Nicholas Jedediah, I told you that if you insist on calling me by my full name, I will revoke your invitation to this establishment," Ernie said, hugging him tightly.

"This is my best friend Tara," he said, turning to introduce her.

Ernie cocked her head at this. "I thought Miriam was your best friend?"

"In the immortal words of Mindy Kaling, best friend is a tier, not a position. But Tara is my sister-cousin-heartbeat-half-of-my-soul. Miriam is my…" He paused, gesticulating. "Platonic life partner. It's different. I don't know how to explain it!"

"I am very curious about what the other half of Cole's soul is like," a voice said behind her.

"Well-ordered," Tara said without thinking as she turned.

The night they'd all met Sawyer, she'd been overwhelmed by the loud chaos in the bar and focused on watching the way Miriam and Noelle looked at each other when they thought no one was watching. She hadn't noticed her soulmate's life changing forever, because hers had been, too. Later, when they were back on good terms, Miriam described the moment Cole met Sawyer as like watching someone be struck by lightning. He had, up to that point, thought of himself as a staunch ally who happened to never be able to get emotionally attached to the women he dated. It had not occurred to him, until the day he met Sawyer, that this might be because he was meant to fall in love with men.

To be honest, it hadn't occurred to Tara, either. She'd wondered if he were aromantic, although he seemed very interested in finding romance. This was something that had never made sense to her, as she felt romantic attraction but didn't really want to. She'd thought that, given the number of queer people he was surrounded by and the openness with which he embraced the community, if he'd been queer, he would have said so.

She'd underestimated his desire to never have uncomfortable conversations, even with himself.

Last night, she'd been distracted by Holly and trying to be polite to all the various people being thrown at her. She'd been off-kilter from being treated, by everyone, as if she were part of the core Carrigan's team. So, she still hadn't focused on Sawyer and taken him in. The picture she carried of him in her mind was of a very small man with a giant handlebar mustache and a ponytail.

The man standing before her certainly seemed short next to Cole. He did have an extraordinary mustache, but it wasn't as cartoonish as her brain had painted it. His hair was high up on his head in a sloppy bun, and he was wearing skinny jeans and a giant cardigan that she was certain used to be Cole's over a button-down and a tie. Honestly, he reminded Tara a great deal of Miriam, which she was sure neither Miriam nor Cole had clocked.

"Sawyer!" she said, holding out a hand. He held out his arms for a hug in response.

Shrugging, she gave in. Of course Cole had fallen in love with a hugger.

Sawyer pulled her to the bar and told her he'd been trying a new mint julep recipe and needed her input as a Southerner, since Cole didn't drink. He talked about his childhood and how he'd ended up running for mayor of a tiny tourist town in the Adirondacks, and Tara told him stories about their childhood that didn't involve them lighting anything on fire.

"I'm still not sure I understand how you two are related," Sawyer said, making easy conversation in a way that spoke to his years of bartending. "I thought you were cousins, but if Aunt Cricket is only your aunt…" He trailed off, the question implied.

Tara looked at Cole. "Oh, we're not blood related," she clarified. "Although to be fair, neither are Cricket and I."

"You said she was your sister-cousin, literally moments ago," Sawyer reminded him.

Cole blinked, unfazed by having his own words mirrored back to him. "Yes. Our mothers are best friends who were pregnant at the same time."

She turned to Sawyer. "We were raised in each other's pockets. We're family."

Sawyer nodded. "I mean, we're all gay here, it's not like we're new to found family. Y'all just didn't find each other."

Tara laughed. "I wouldn't have been who Cole chose, if he'd had to go further than his crib to find me."

Cole hummed. "I did choose to find you, though. Remember?"

She did.

Cole had come for her once. After the fire, she thought their friendship was as dead as the grass on the country club lawn, but he'd found the tiny embers that were left and refused to let them die.

She'd never been able to figure out why.

"Enough sappiness!" Cole said suddenly, like the hypocrite he was. "We have errands to run! I need to pick up the boutonniere made out of book pages that Mimi asked the librarian to make for Noelle, and then I need to stop by the diner to get the sandwich platter Collin made for today, and then we need to get back to the Christmasland for more birthday celebrations!"

"Can I help?" Sawyer asked, slipping his arm around Cole's waist.

Cole smiled down at him. "You can show up this evening for the festivities."

Ernie waved at them as they left. "I'll see you tonight! And then on the twenty-third and the twenty-fourth. I'm going to take a day in between to sleep. Why would anyone have a birthday, then a rehearsal dinner, then a wedding all in a row?"

Tara had the same question, but the answer was, Miriam Blum. A woman who loved glitter and sparkle but hadn't been allowed to sparkle most of her life and was now running at fun full tilt.

She hung back behind Cole and glared at Sawyer. "If you harm a single hair on his head, I will string you up by your toenails over a vat of spitting acid. I am not exaggerating. You will not survive my wrath."

Sawyer grinned. "It's amazing how close that is to what Miriam told me. Although her threat involved glitter glue and Mod Podge. Believe me, all my intentions are to make that man the happiest he's ever been."

Tara narrowed her eyes. "Good. Then we have an understanding."

Stepping out of the dark, narrow bar, Tara glanced down at her phone. There were several texts from Holly.

Holly: Hey, wondering when you'll be back

Holly: Not that I miss you

Holly: I'm having a blast with Mrs. Matthews

Holly: But I don't want to get her naked

Holly: Actually she's kind of a MILF, I probably would, but she seems happily married

Holly: I do want to get you naked, though

Holly: You should come back so we can make that happen

Tara was in the middle of contemplating both Holly's texting style and her naked body when Cole's voice interrupted her.

"So?" he asked, his face tight. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him this anxious before. "Did you like him?"

She held his face in her hands.

"Wow, this is actually kind of weird," he said. "I should stop touching people's faces. Why didn't you tell me?"

She nodded but didn't let go. "He seems wonderful. I can't wait to get to know him better."

Cole sighed like a 1950s teenager who'd just seen the Beatles on Ed Sullivan . "Yeah. He's the best."