12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Hermie

Once the back door closed, I turned to Grace. “You want to go into the family room? Bare has video games for when he has company. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we played.”

I was more relaxed now that Bare and Daddy Connie had left. Did I like calling him Daddy Connie? It felt wrong because he wasn’t my Daddy. He was Grace’s. I needed to ask her about it.

Grace stared at me before she smiled and led me upstairs to the family room without my direction. Of course, she’d probably been here before.

We sat on the sectional, and Grace pulled her feet under her. “Tell me what’s on your mind, Herm.”

My face must have been screwed up in a pained look because she reached over and smoothed my brow. “I remember meeting Daddy Conrad for the first time. I was working at the diner, and he came in with Bare. They sat at the counter, and I got them coffee. ‘You have a pretty smile,’ Daddy said, and I swooned. He was handsome, and those blue eyes are killer. We chatted as I got their breakfast and refilled their coffees, but he wasn’t flirty. He was respectful and nice.

“He came back by himself the next morning and told me he was moving to Abilene in a month, and he’d like to take me out for dinner once he was settled. I gave him my phone number, and we started texting that very night.”

What a sweet story! “That’s a great story. Did it feel romantic right away, or did it take a while for you to develop feelings?” I worried I had fallen in love too quickly with Bare. Was it not really love because it happened so fast? I’d never thought much about love, and I had never felt the way I did for Bare. I was pretty sure he didn’t feel the same about me.

“Oh, it was immediate. He was kind, thoughtful, and my mom hated him. He was everything I wanted in a man.” Grace giggled, and so did I. It was nice to have a friend to talk with. I’d never had one before.

“Did he tell you he was a Daddy right away?” That was another thing on my mind.

She smiled. “Yes, he did. See, I grew up with Jane after she and my father got divorced. She was strict, and I wasn’t allowed to do anything . I’ve been unhappy most of my life, and I was sheltered from most things because I was homeschooled until high school. I didn’t get to date or hang out with friends. She’d say, ‘You’ll get knocked up and ruin your life like I’ve ruined mine. It’s my job to keep that from happening to you, and I’ll do it if it kills us both.’ I felt guilty for being born, which is something I had no control over.”

“I know the feeling. My mom moved away and didn’t tell me where she went because she hates me.” Saying it out loud made my stomach turn.

Grace reached for my hand. “I’m sorry that happened to you. Are you a little, a middle, or a big? I’m a middle, but I started as a little. Daddy took care of me and let me experience things at my own pace because I was so na?ve about everything. He took me places and let me learn new things for myself, which was fun.”

My thumb came up to my mouth as the nerves flared at her question. “Did my question upset you?” She was very observant.

“I-I d-don’t know what I-I am.” That wasn’t an exaggeration. I really didn’t know anything about myself—what do I like? What do I want others to think of me? I realized I was a mouse in a world of big cats. Now, I had one more thing to figure out.

“Okay, let’s see. Do you want to play with toys? Do you have a favorite blankie or a stuffie you like to sleep with? I used to love to play with my dollies. Daddy built me shelves in my playroom where I can display my things. Sometimes, if I’ve had a bad day and I’m with Daddy, I’ll take them down and play with them again to forget what upset me. Daddy keeps all my little toys in case I want to regress, which I usually do when we go to the club.”

It was hard for me to picture Grace on the floor with dolls, but as she sat on the couch next to me and twirled the end of her braid, I could almost understand why she did it.

“When do you regress?”

“If I get upset with Mom over something she says and don’t know how to handle her, I get overwhelmed. I’ll call Connie and he’ll listen and tell me he loves me. The next time I’m in Abilene, he sits with me and plays while we talk, or he’ll hold me on his lap and ask me about what happened again. Daddy Connie’s my safe space.” The expression on her face was one of complete love and adoration.

“I’d like to have that, but I don’t think I’m a little. What’s the difference between a little and a middle?”

“Good question. A little is like I said, likes to play with toys. Some suck their thumbs—I have a binky for when I’m little, but sometimes I suck Daddy instead.” My jaw dropped at her honest confession, which made Grace crack up.

After a few seconds, Grace stared at me. “Ask.”

Her eyebrow arched just like I remembered her mother doing when she criticized me that day at the diner.

“Does it feel weird to do sexual things when you’re a little?”

She laughed. “No, not at all. A huge part of our relationship is keeping an open line of communication, and of course, consent to anything sexual is the key. Daddy wouldn’t touch me anywhere without my permission, whether I’m little or not. A lot of his happiness with our relationship is knowing he’s taking care of me in all ways. Oh, and there are also the punishments. If I mess up and do something wrong, he punishes me in some very creative ways. Sometimes I misbehave so he will punish me.”

Bare had smacked my bottom once and then rubbed it before he held me on his lap, which I liked a lot. It wasn’t a hard slap, and it did things to me. Punishments seemed like something we’d need to discuss in the future.

“What’s the worst punishment he’s given you?” Seemed like a good thing to ask so I’d know what I was in for if Bare and I were to pursue a Daddy-boy relationship like Bare wanted. It was something I was coming to want, too.

“I lied to him about a fight I had with my mom about moving to Abilene. It was when Daddy and I started seeing each other. I was eighteen, and I told her I wanted to move in with Daddy Connie. She called him all kinds of ugly names, threatening to have him arrested for inappropriate acts with a minor. When I reminded her that I wasn’t a minor anymore, she slapped my face hard.

“I had an ugly bruise on my cheek that I’d tried to cover up with makeup, but he saw it. He asked what happened, and I lied.” She played with the bracelet she wore, and I could tell she was upset, so it was my turn to reach out to her and hold her hand.

After a minute, she wiped her eyes with her fingers and glanced at me through her lashes. “Sorry. It’s still hard to talk about.”

“What did your daddy do? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.” I probably shouldn’t have asked something so personal, but seeing how much it bothered her, I wanted to know.

“It’s okay. I told Daddy I got whacked with a cabinet door in the kitchen of Mom’s house, and he let it go. He came to pick me up that weekend, and Mom asked him if he was proud of making me a smartass who talked back to her mother and had to be slapped. Daddy got super mad at her and made me leave with him right away. We were supposed to go to lunch, the three of us, so they could get to know each other. That didn’t happen.

“When we got to his house, he dropped to his knees, took my hands, and begged me to tell him what happened with Mom. I didn’t want to tell him the things she said about him. They were hurtful and totally wrong, and I didn’t want him to hate her. He sent me to the playroom until I was ready to tell him what really happened because he wouldn’t let me lie to him again.

“I sat there for two hours by myself before I opened the door to find Daddy sitting on the floor outside waiting for me. He held me in his lap, and I told him the truth about what happened.” Grace stared into space as she wrapped her arms around her middle and smiled.

“So, you had to be locked in your room alone?” Didn’t seem like a bad punishment to me. Mom had done worse to me many times over.

“He didn’t lock me in. He asked me to sit on the bed and think about why I lied to him. ‘I can take anything, Gracie, but not you lying to me.’ I couldn’t be with him until I was ready to tell him the truth, which was the hardest thing I’d ever had to endure. Daddy gives his love so freely, and to be deprived of it and know he was upset with me was worse than a spanking. Besides, I like his spankings.” She giggled again.

“But he took you back to Kingsley, right?”

Grace nodded. “He and I discussed it, and we agreed that I’d stay with my mother until I turned twenty-one because I was worried about her being alone. When he took me home, he told her if she ever hit me again, he’d get me to file assault charges and take me away from her forever. She’s never done it again.”

“At least she loves you,” I whispered as I, once again, thought of my own mother and the emptiness inside at her absence from my life.

Grace touched my arm again. “My mother’s way of showing love isn’t what real love is about. Neither is just taking off on someone. That’s not real, unconditional love, Herm.”

She sat up and smiled. “Conrad loves me and would never make me choose between him and anyone else. He wants me to be happy and enjoy life, which I don’t think my mother can do. She’s dating a man now who probably won’t stick around once he sees her true colors, but there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own.”

Grace sounded more mature when she spoke than a second earlier. She was honest and forthcoming about very personal things, and I appreciated it.

“So, what’s a middle?”

She giggled again. “Like being a teenager. I do stuff I didn’t get to do when I was a teenager, like go to concerts and ride horses. I have friends over at Daddy’s house, and we hang out by the pool and listen to loud music. I’m excited to go to McMurray University next spring because I couldn’t go after high school. She refused to let Daddy pay for it.”

I was grateful my career was already decided. I couldn’t imagine the uncertainty of having to choose a career like Grace faced. It had nearly given me an ulcer as I tried to maneuver it on my own.

“That’s great, Grace. My college was different because I went to culinary school. I enjoyed that experience, but when I got out, the restaurant world wasn’t what I thought it would be. Will you always be a middle now?”

Grace shrugged. “Daddy doesn’t care. He said if we only want to play at the club or at home on occasion, he’s fine with it. I hope someday he asks me to marry him and we have a family of our own. As Daddy says, the future is wide open.”

I had one more question that was circling my brain. “Do others know you’re in this type of relationship?”

Grace grinned. “Only people in the lifestyle. Judgment from people who don’t know us or know anything about our lifestyle is like poison. It will ruin everything if one allows it to, so we keep our business to ourselves.”

I nodded. It was sound advice.

“Gracie? You up here, sweetheart?”

“That’s Daddy. I guess they’re back already.” Grace hopped up and hurried down the stairs before I could stand.

I rushed down behind her, feeling much lighter than when we’d gone up earlier. Bare was standing by the island, his face red from the cold Texas wind. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. “Thank you for giving me time with Gracie.”

Bare’s cold hand touched the skin of my back as the shirt of his that I was wearing rode up. I jumped. “Daddy!”

His smile couldn’t get any bigger, I was sure. “We forgot gloves. You two want to go to Freddies for burgers and shakes?”

I turned to Grace, and we both grinned. “Yes please.” She hopped onto her Daddy’s back and out the front door we all went to get into Daddy Connie’s fancy car. Gracie and I sat in the back laughing and singing to the radio. It was an extra special day.

The rest of the week found us busy. Bare was working with the ranch hands to move cattle, and I took the time to go through the shelves in the basement where all the Christmas decorations were stored. I’d wanted to ask if we could get a tree from the lot, but it wasn’t my place—or it didn’t feel like it, anyway. I was waiting for him to tell me if he wanted any decorations or if he even celebrated the holidays.

Bare had taken me to get my driver’s license renewed on Wednesday, and I passed the driving test, which was a relief. I was legally able to drive the rusty truck that he’d bought from Chuck, and I was able to do the shopping on my own. It was another dream Bare made come true.

Everything was chugging along, and I didn’t think I’d ever been so happy. I’d found a metal recipe box in the back of the pantry that contained Bare’s mother’s cookie recipes, so I’d been baking up a storm during the afternoon. I’d ordered some decorative cookie tins to give them as gifts to the men and women who lived in the bunkhouse as Mrs. Barrett used to do. I probably should have asked Bare if it was okay to do it, but I’d wanted to surprise him.

The front bell rang, so I placed the hot cookie sheet on the marble counter and hurried to the door. When I opened it, there stood my handsome Bare wearing a big grin. He was holding a large Christmas tree, and hooked over his shoulder was a pine wreath. Next to him was a basket of pinecones and some branches. It all smelled the way I always believed Christmas should smell.

“Good morning, sir. You ordered a large Christmas tree, a door wreath, and some pinecones for the fireplace. I threw in some pine boughs for the mantle. May I bring them inside?”

I giggled and took the wreath from him. “Please come in.” I stepped aside and held open the door as Bare brought in the tree, which already had a stand under the trunk. I grabbed the basket and carried it into the formal living room, placing it next to the fireplace.

Bare put the tree in the window of the fancy living room before he stepped back. “How’s that?”

I held up my fingers as if I was framing a picture before I grinned. “It’s perfect. Are you going to decorate it?”

I didn’t expect Bare to move so fast, but he whisked me into his arms and carried me to one of the leather couches flanking each side of the fireplace. He dropped onto the seat with me on his lap—my favorite place to be.

“Do you not want to decorate the tree?” His gaze had me a bit tongue-tied.

“It’s your tree, so I didn’t want to assume anything. I’ll decorate it if you want me to.” What else was I supposed to say?

“No. Do you want us to decorate the tree together? Do you want to celebrate Christmas with me? I’ve been waiting to ask any questions until we go to the party tonight, but if you don’t want to go, we can skip it. Gracie and Connie will understand.”

I was a bit stunned. “I w-want to—”

Bare put his fingers over my lips. “Deep breaths, Baby boy. I’m sorry if I was harsh. I’m just a little frustrated. I hoped that bringing Connie and Gracie out so you could talk to her about having a Daddy might help you decide if you want to… If you’re interested in living here with me permanently. Being my sweet Baby boy. Letting me take care of you. I don’t know where I stand, Hermie, and I don’t do well in those situations.”

Had I not been clear? I supposed he was right. I was waiting for him to say he wanted me to stay. Had he been waiting for me to do the same?