Chapter 90

It is midmorning on a Wednesday and Allegra and Jonny are walking the coastal trail between Dover Heights and Watsons Bay. It’s cool and beautiful. There aren’t many people about, so it feels like this sun-shimmered expanse of ocean and these majestic sandstone cliffs are laid out just for them.

Allegra breathes deeply and notices a tiny muscle in her forehead has released, although she hadn’t, up until now, been aware of its existence. Her face feels as smooth and carefree as a child’s. Her back still feels good. No pain. She had always taken “absence of pain” as a right, not a privilege. It feels like a privilege now.

She posts a photo of the horizon and tries to think of a caption that isn’t cheesy or pretentious or too obviously posted to make friends in the corporate world feel miserable about their career choices. Although isn’t that the actual point of social media? To make everyone feel bad?

She posts it without a caption. Lets the photo speak for itself.

“Australia’s first lighthouse,” gestures Jonny as they walk past Macquarie Lighthouse.

He only moved to Sydney from Perth a couple of years ago, so he tends to carefully plan and research each “date,” if that’s what these outings are; Allegra is trying not to think about it too much.

She asks, “Will there be a worksheet for me to fill out later on?”

He bumps his shoulder against hers and she feels a moment of happiness so pure it’s painful.

They walk on in silence and eventually stop at a lookout, where they lean their elbows on the wooden barrier and follow the progress of a jet on the horizon.

“Do you want to fly international one day?” asks Allegra.

They rarely discuss work because of her paranoia about the idea of their “relationship” going public.

“I do,” says Jonny. “You?”

“That’s always been the plan,” says Allegra.

“So how did you get into the biz?” asks Jonny.

She lowers her sunglasses and looks at him over the top with raised eyebrows. “Did you just say ‘the biz’? How did I get into the biz ? The flying biz ?”

He winces. “I know, I know. Give me a break, Allegra. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been body-snatched when I’m talking to you. I get nervous.”

“You get nervous?” She can’t believe he said that. “No, you do not.”

“Sure I do. Sometimes. Because I like you so much.”

There’s that vulnerability again. Which every woman is meant to want in a man. The obvious thing to say would be “Well, I like you too, Jonny, you don’t need to be nervous,” but it feels pathetic.

She could tell him she feels nervous too. It’s so awkward to be with him like this, outdoors in the sunlight, sober and dressed and talking about normal things. It’s embarrassing! Nerdy. Also, very scary. Like peeling off a layer of skin. The only way she feels comfortable telling him she likes him is with her body, in bed, and surely she is making that very clear.

There is a flicker of a feeling she needs to investigate later. It’s something to do with how he said, Give me a break, Allegra. Almost pleadingly. Is she protecting herself so effectively she’s occasionally cruel? When this inevitably ends will he describe her to his next girlfriend as “a little toxic”? Imagine if she’s the toxic ex? If she gets the villain edit?

She looks back out to sea and says, “Well, I’ve always had a kind of freakish love of flying. Mum thinks I was a bird in a previous life.”

She hopes he doesn’t now ask a respectful, earnest question about her cultural beliefs regarding reincarnation as if her mother is serious, although of course her mother is serious.

But he just smiles and says, “I think I was too.”

Which is exactly the right thing to say, so she continues, “Mum took me on a domestic flight when I was two and she says when we took off I went crazy, clapping and shrieking, and everyone was laughing at me.”

“That is very cute,” says Jonny. He caresses the back of her neck beneath her ponytail with his fingers and she just about manages to keep the tremor of desire out of her voice as she continues.

“And then one day, I think I was about nine, we were on a flight to India and there was this flight attendant, who was so…elegant, she just seemed to glide down the aisle of the plane, and I had this sudden revelation: Wait, this is her job ! She’s literally getting paid to fly ! I thought it was like a kind of glitch in the system—why wouldn’t everyone in the world want that job?”

“So I was this close to being an accountant.” Jonny holds up his thumb and index finger. “Same as my dad. I was okay at math and commerce, those kinds of subjects, so it just seemed, like, of course I’ll be an accountant like Dad. I was fine with it. Even kind of looking forward to it.”

“What happened?”

“One day at the dinner table my brother said to me, ‘What job would you do if you could do anything in the world, Jonny?’ I wasn’t concentrating. I said, ‘Pilot.’ I said it so fast, without thinking, and then everyone went quiet, and my dad put down his knife and fork and said, ‘Uh, Jonny?’ I don’t know why my brother asked that question but he just randomly changed my life.”

“That’s funny,” says Allegra. “I’d say the same if someone asked me that question: Pilot.”

She closes her eyes to enjoy the sun on her face. Mindfulness! Gratitude! Ward off that depression before it takes her down.

She opens her eyes and realizes Jonny is looking at her.

“Allegra,” he says. “Did you hear what you just said?” The sunlight bounces off his dark glasses. He’s too good-looking in sunglasses. It’s a bit much.

For a moment she’s confused, but then she gets it. “Oh, no, don’t worry, I don’t secretly dream of being a pilot. Absolutely not.”

“Why would I worry?”

“Come on, let’s keep going.” She indicates the path, mildly irritable. She doesn’t really want to be a pilot. Does she? Why did those words come out of her mouth? In front of an actual pilot? It’s not like it’s a secret dream of hers. It’s certainly not a conscious dream.

He says, “Have you ever done a trial flight?”

“No, no,” she says. “I don’t know why I said that. It’s not like you with your brother. It was like saying if I could choose anything in the world I’d be a rock star.”

“You could be a rock star,” he says. “You would be a very sexy rock star.”

“Funny. I can’t sing.”

“A lot of rock stars can’t sing, but, Allegra, you could be a pilot. Why is that not an option for you? Is it the money? Because there are programs—”

“I misspoke,” she interrupts. “I’m happy with my career. Very happy.”

He opens his palms in a gesture of surrender and she is relieved he is letting it go. Think before you speak, Allegra.

As they follow the coastline, Allegra sees the first security camera, the inward-leaning fence, the purpose-built phone booths that connect the caller directly to a counselor, another security camera, the billboards all trying to convey one message: Please don’t do it!

“And here we have one of our most popular suicide destinations,” she says with an outstretched arm, imitating his earlier tour-guide tone.

Jonny’s face falls. “Wait. You’re kidding. Is this The Gap? I didn’t realize that was here.” He scratches his jaw. “Maybe this wasn’t the best place to suggest for a walk.”

“You mean because of the prediction?” asks Allegra. “Do you think you’ll put ideas in my head? Make it too convenient for me to ‘self-harm’?”

He pushes his glasses up on his forehead so now his hair sticks up and he no longer looks like a movie star, just a mildly sweaty worried guy. She can imagine him in high school, one of those good-looking, well-behaved, a-little-bit-pleased-with-themselves boys, the kind who were always so surprised and abashed to find themselves in trouble. The kind the teachers always let off.

She says, “Don’t panic, Jonny, I’m not going to make a run for it.”

“I’d catch you,” says Jonny gravely, and he grips the base of her ponytail, close to her scalp. Tight enough so it’s firm but doesn’t hurt. It’s one of his moves in bed. He uses it to quite devastating effect.

“I’m a runner now,” Allegra reminds him, with a quiver in her voice, and he knows what the quiver means. “Jay says I’m crushing it.”

“What does Jay know?” Jonny’s jealousy of Allegra’s virtual treadmill trainer is an ongoing joke.

He drops his hand. “There haven’t been any more deaths, have there?”

“No,” says Allegra.

“And management was okay?”

“All fine in the end,” Allegra says. “The captain said he knew all about it because we’d discussed it after the flight and he hadn’t considered it significant. Nobody’s safety compromised. Just one of those odd things that can happen.”

“Vic is a good guy,” says Jonny.

Trina had admitted she wouldn’t have been so concerned by the incident if not for the fact that the lady’s predictions were now coming true. Then she asked, “Did you get a prediction, Allegra?”

When Allegra told her, Trina said, “Good grief! So wait…you’re twenty-eight now, right? That’s a terrible thing for someone to say to you. That must have been so distressing! If you need anything from us, in terms of support, or, uh, you know, counseling—I mean, it’s not real, obviously, but we take mental health seriously, so…”

It’s possible Allegra would have received a sterner rebuke for not reporting the incident if it hadn’t been for her dreadful prediction. Trina is just one of the many people treating her with kid gloves. She might miss all this tender loving care after she turns twenty-nine.

Although she won’t miss seeing her poor parents so distressed. They are now aware of the three correctly predicted deaths. It’s not like “the Death Lady” is the lead story on the evening news, but articles have been popping up online, and of course their eyes were caught by the clickbait headlines.

“So now I will admit I am a little worried,” said her mother. “I am worried this awful woman may have some kind of special ability. Possibly. It is very unlikely.”

“I am not at all worried,” said her dad, looking extremely worried.

Her mother has been busy getting the deities onside, just like she did when Allegra and Taj studied for their final school exams. Allegra has received multiple special blessings: some at home, some at temple. Her mother has also been FaceTiming various relatives in Mumbai, and a cousin’s wife’s auntie has put them in touch with one of the best astrologers in India, so famous and well respected he regularly appears on television. This impressive person is studying Allegra’s birth chart right now. Presumably in between television appearances. He will come back to them with his professional opinion.

Her father, meanwhile, thinks the treadmill is the answer. Endorphins! If Allegra goes more than three days without a run, he’s on the phone to her.

Her brother is insultingly, actively unconcerned about her mental health and pretended to hide the knives when they were there one night for dinner. He suggested Allegra’s bag should be checked for pills as if she were a psych-ward patient.

“This is not a joke, Taj!” cried her mother, but later that night Allegra caught her rifling through her bag.

They stop at another lookout and Jonny says, “Not thinking about jumping, are you?”

“Well, I am,” admits Allegra. “But not because I’m suicidal. Doesn’t everyone think about jumping when they’re up high? A friend told me it’s got a name: the ‘call of the void.’?” It wasn’t a friend, it was the ex-boyfriend who dumped her after the seafood special. “He said something about a French philosopher calling it ‘the vertigo of possibility,’ like it blows your mind that you’ve got the freedom to choose whether to live or die.”

“Sounds like a smart friend.”

“Not really,” says Allegra, and then she comes clean. “Idiot ex-boyfriend.”

“Ah,” says Jonny. “Sounds like a tosser.”

As they head down toward Watsons Bay, Jonny clears his throat. “Oh! I’ve been meaning to ask you!”

Allegra’s stomach drops. The man is a terrible actor. Whatever he is about to say is not something that he has just remembered, it is something important to him.

“My parents are having a fortieth wedding anniversary party. It’s in a couple of weeks and I wondered if you’d, uh, like to be my…plus-one? Sorry, that sounds too formal. Do you want to come and meet…uh…do you want to come?”

Home visit! He’s suggesting a home visit ! The episodes of The Bachelor where the contestants do the home visits with the Bachelor’s family are so painful to watch and obviously impossible to miss. Once they meet the Bachelor’s family, the contestants are overly invested. They see themselves joining the family. They see their futures! But only one girl can win that future. At least two will have their hearts broken on national television. That’s how they get the ratings.

Allegra feels genuine panic. The lattice-topped pie was only the beginning. Meeting the family takes it to a whole new level of official. If she meets his family she will be expected to introduce him to her family. She will have to tell Anders. She will have to be in this. No more holding back. No more pretending this doesn’t mean anything, and once it means something, then she will have no cover, no defenses, and he can then choose, at any moment, straight after they’ve ordered the seafood special for two, to say, “This isn’t working for me.”

And if it hurt that much with that boyfriend, who was such a loser, how much will it hurt when Jonny does it?

“Oh!” she says. “Oh, right, when is it? I’ve just got a few things coming up so it’s possible the date might not work.” Now she’s the one speaking in an awful, false high voice.

“It’s fine,” he says coolly. “Don’t worry about it. Too soon to meet the family. Much too soon.”

“No, I wasn’t—”

“It’s fine, Allegra.” She has hurt and embarrassed him, and the sick feeling in her stomach tells her it’s too late to protect her heart anyway. She’s already overly invested. She’s all the way in. She wants the rose. She badly wants the rose, and the viewers at home are covering their faces with their hands, mortified for her.

“Jonny,” she says. She’s an idiot.

There are no other contestants, Allegra.

She has to salvage this.

Allegra hears pounding footsteps. A runner gaining ground.

“ Allegra! ”

She turns.

It’s Anders. He’s at the crest of the hill, running like a maniac down toward her, and he’s not a runner. His form is terrible. Jay would not approve. Arms flailing.

“ Al-leg-ra! ”

In an instant she understands. He’s seen her post. A horizon without a caption. The location: Australia’s most popular suicide location. So stupid of her. He thinks it’s a goodbye post. He’s probably been trying to call, but her phone has been on silent at the bottom of her bag because of trying to be present in the moment so as not to get depression, so as not to self-harm. He lives in the Eastern Suburbs so was able to get here fast.

A woman walking a giant dog is coming up the path behind Jonny in the opposite direction from Anders. The dog zigzags back and forth, frenziedly sniffing the ground: this way, now that way. The woman wears AirPods and is in the middle of a phone call.

“Is everything all right?” cries Anders as he gets closer.

He is about to clock the presence of First Officer Jonny Summers.

The woman with the dog decides to go to their left on the path they are blocking. Her dog decides to go right. Allegra tries to get out of the way of both of them while looking back and forth between Anders and Jonny. Her legs get tangled. Not with any object or person. Just her own indecision. She trips. Time goes into slow motion and there is long enough to think: Why are you falling? There is no need to fall. Stop this. Choose not to do this.

But it’s impossible. Her arms windmill madly, her feet do a foolish, slapstick pitter-patter, and the next thing, she is on the grass next to the side of the path. She can feel the outline of her squashed backpack and all the items it contains digging into her flesh.

“You okay?” Jonny leans over her, blocking the sun.

She senses it, like the shadow of a shark beneath the water. Oh, please, no. No, no, no.

“Allegra!” Anders is there now, breathing fast, bent over, hands on his knees. “I was so worried! I thought—”

“I’m fine.” She moves the tiniest fraction and there it is: huge, terrifying pain. “But I think I’ve done my back again.”

“Oh, no, ” say Anders and Jonny at the same time.

She sees the next two weeks of her life unrolling and unraveling like a ball of her grandmother’s knitting wool bumping down a flight of stairs. There is nothing she can do to stop it and this time she knows what’s coming. The pain, the lack of sleep, the “pain management,” the constipation from the pain relief, the ice packs, the heat packs, the laxatives, the long dull days, the slow incremental improvements, the physical therapy appointments. No more running with Jay on the treadmill. She will miss Jay so much.

When she hurt her back the first time there was novelty in the process. She’d never experienced any kind of significant health issue before. It was interesting! But the thought of going through it all again is not interesting, it’s devastating.

Just like that, her beautiful day has flipped.

Anders is saying, “Fancy meeting you here, Jonny Summers!” in a suggestive, wink, wink, nudge, nudge way, but Jonny doesn’t smile. His shoulders are stiff. Jaw set. Anders will only see the arrogant First Officer Jonathan Summers he thinks he knows. She’s lost Jonny. It’s too late to salvage things now. There are pivotal moments in life where you don’t get a second chance if you mess up.

She closes her eyes and sees mustard-colored walls closing in onher.