Chapter 22

"Remember when we talked about building our dream house together and raising a family upstate? Did you already know you were cutting my string?"

Oof, Lauren thinks. She's in her own private green room backstage, nervously snacking on some almonds, watching McKenzie's live reunion with Josh. The producers are, of course, making them both relive her teary elimination. But real-time McKenzie, dressed in a stunning jade green gown, just nods, a bittersweet smile on her face, even as the live studio audience members sniffle and shake their heads. One of the hosts poses a question, and Lauren only catches the answer.

"It's hard to watch back, for sure," McKenzie says. Her voice is shaky, but Lauren's surprised—and oddly proud—that she isn't crying. "But when it comes to Josh, I have no regrets." She turns to face him. "Even if I wasn't the one for him, we did build something special. And today, I'm stronger than ever."

The special is hosted by a trio of former Romantics. There's Michael, who hosted the mud wrestling date; Nate from season twenty, fresh off a stint on Dancing With the Stars; and Christopher, one of the few OG leads who's still married to his final ribbon recipient. It's Nate who asks the next follow-up. "Josh, how do you feel watching this breakup with McKenzie?"

He swallows. "I mean, I feel horrible," he says, and Lauren actually believes him. After all, his season pretty much went south after McKenzie's exit. "Kenzie, you're a really amazing woman. I hate that I put you through this."

Now Michael speaks up. "McKenzie says she has no regrets. Josh, can you say the same?"

He turns red and chuckles. "Well, we all saw how my season ended up. I think it's safe to say that most of us made mistakes. But McKenzie … you didn't. You were true to yourself all along. I hope you know how much I appreciate that, especially after watching some of these clips back."

Lauren slinks back into her seat, feeling more than a little put in her place. She hasn't spoken to Josh since that phone call, but hey, at least he followed her back on Instagram. The rest of the women did, too. The nebulous, awkward stretch of time between Josh's proposal and After the Final String went the way Lauren once dreamed it would—all the other contestants, even Kaydie and Gabi, left cute, supportive comments on her photos. ShineGirl asked if she'd be interested in an official partnership. Her follower count continued to climb each day, even after Josh's botched proposal aired.

In the end, her edit wasn't bad, really. If anything, commentators online seemed to believe he really wanted Krystin, and Lauren was smart enough to realize he was just settling for his second pick. She got a lot of nice DMs. Someone even made a fan account. But none of it meant anything.

The one contestant who notably doesn't follow her is Krystin. Damian sent Lauren an eerily thorough Reddit thread, in which a bunch of Devoted Fans theorized they must have been sworn enemies behind the scenes because they were the only two contestants who never liked each other's photos. He also sent her a few comments from someone named ThrowawayAccount2873828, who claimed she'd seen Lauren countless times on lesbian Tinder in New Jersey. The rumor never gained traction, though.

At the end of the day, Hopelessly Devoted is a straight show, with a straight audience and straight contestants. Of course the viewers thought Krystin and Lauren hated each other, beginning and end of story.

But Lauren can't bring herself to hate Krystin. Even though she doesn't follow her online, she's stalked her social media more than she'll ever admit: her throwback rodeo photos, stunning Montana landscapes. Silly selfies with Delia, who's evidently her friend again—or maybe even something more. It's not like Lauren would know.

She's thought about contacting Krystin herself, of course. She's even gone so far as to draft an unsent DM, something corny and vulnerable and stupid about how it doesn't matter if Krystin slept with Josh in Costa Rica, it doesn't matter if they live on opposite sides of the country, it doesn't matter what Krystin's ready for—or what she isn't. She just wants to be with her again, however she can.

She didn't send it, of course.

"Speaking of meeting the family," Christopher says, and Lauren realizes she zoned out the rest of McKenzie's interview. "Who else is still thinking about Krystin brutally leaving Josh heartbroken in his driveway? After the break, Miss Rodeo Queen herself will come out and address this season's wildest breakup—and come face-to-face with Josh for the first time since. Stay tuned!"

Lauren's phone buzzes. It's Damian: I feel like mckenzie and josh were kinda vibing?

She shoots back a response: can't tell, but you have a better view than I do.

Damian: damn right I do! I thought josh couldn't get any hotter, and then he grew out that beard …

Lauren shakes her head and turns her phone off. Lauren had received a handful of tickets to the live taping, and she'd obviously given three of them to Rachel and her parents. Things have been good between the four of them: Lauren's been staying at home for a bit, applying to some fashion marketing jobs to supplement her influencer career. She came out to her parents last week, and it went well—much like Rachel, they weren't exactly as surprised as Lauren expected them to be.

But as much as she wanted her family at the ceremony, she needed Damian in the audience too. Although Holland told Lauren she was "giving her a million migraines, seriously," when she asked about inviting her ex-boyfriend to the live taping, she knew she couldn't face Josh and Krystin without her best friend somewhere out there, cheering her on. And Holland did seem to calm down when Lauren explained that Damian recently and very publicly came out. ("As long as he doesn't jump on stage and express his love for you when you're chatting with Josh, I'm good," Holland had said. "He literally bleached his hair," Lauren had responded.)

"Krystin's on now," a PA hisses from a few feet away. "You're up next."

Lauren's heart catches as she watches Krystin, clad in a sparkly gold dress and matching earrings, walk on and take her seat next to Josh. She's beautiful, but she always looks beautiful—Lauren's fingers itch to trace her figure on the small monitor.

As the audience claps, a Krystin highlight reel starts to play. There's footage of her first one-on-one with Josh, her performance at karaoke, and finally, her brutal breakup. Krystin, Josh, and the trio of hosts stare solemnly at each clip, and the audience reacts with cheers and gasps.

Christopher is the first to speak when the recap ends. "Let's start off easy," he says. "Krystin, how've you been since the show ended? You've been back in Montana for a little while now."

"I have. I've been … good," Krystin says. Lauren's eyes automatically narrow at the vague bullshit, but then Krystin adds, "I won't lie, it's been a difficult few weeks."

"What have you been doing with your time off?" Michael interjects. "Have you gotten back in the saddle?"

Krystin gives a half-hearted laugh. "You guessed it. I have been spending a lot of time in the ring. It's meditative for me."

Lauren's pretty sure the PA is speaking to her again, but she can't bring herself to listen to anything besides Krystin's very sanitized QA. She's positive that Krystin's about to continue speaking, but Christopher jumps back in.

"Are you competing again, now that you no longer have a public beau?"

"Not yet. I think it's good for me to take a little time off. And …" Krystin looks at Josh, then back at the hosts. "I do still have some things to figure out."

"I'm sure some people are certainly happy you're back home. Let's take another look at your Hometown date, shall we?" The monitor cuts to Josh schmoozing with Krystin's parents, and then Krystin's tense conversation with Delia—the one Lauren heard about in real time, then watched back with Damian, Rachel, and a glass of rosé. It's about a million times more awkward with a live studio audience gasping at every turn. "Delia, your childhood best friend, had some feelings about the show. Josh, how did you feel about that?"

"Pfff, yeah." Josh runs a hand through his curly crop. "I will say that felt like a bad sign. I mean, when you meet someone important to your partner, of course you want them to like you."

"Delia doesn't not like you," Krystin interrupts.

The audience laughs, and Lauren purses her lips.

"Okay, okay," she concedes. "Delia definitely has her criticisms about Hopelessly Devoted, but I think she's come around to the process. It does bring people together."

"That's actually a great segue," Michael says. "Because, I mean, let's not beat around the bush, here, Krystin. In your exit interview, you said you had feelings for someone who wasn't Josh."

"I knew this was coming. Yeah. I did." Krystin runs a hand over the skirt of her dress.

Lauren knew this was coming too. When she watched Krystin's emotional limo exit with Damian, he'd put down his glass of wine with such ferocity that it spilled across the glass-top coffee table. "She's literally talking about you," he'd said, but Lauren couldn't entertain the theory. Krystin could've been talking about anyone. Someone she'd bothered to follow on Instagram, or text. She could've been talking about Delia.

"You've also said that Josh was the first person you took home. The first person you really dated, even," Christopher continues. "So I think we're all wondering … who's the guy?"

Krystin's cheeks flush. "I think the person … knows who they are."

Christopher turns to Josh. "Buddy, that must be tough to hear."

"You know, it was hard. But I've had some time to sit with it, and I think it all worked out for the best." Josh pats Krystin's thigh, but it's void of any flirtation or motive. "I actually don't think Krystin and I would have been happy together, for more reasons than one."

Christopher raises an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Josh nods. "Yes."

He waits for Josh to elaborate. When he doesn't, Christopher switches gears. "Krystin, is there anything you'd like to add before we let you go?"

"I just want to say that I learned a lot about myself during this process. And even though I wish I could change some things, I wouldn't trade that knowledge for the world."

"Lauren." The PA's now given up on whispering. "Come on."

"Yeah." Lauren watches as Krystin and Josh share a hug, then as Krystin waves goodbye and exits stage left. It's surreal to know that she's now somewhere backstage, in another tiny green room with nothing but little bowls of almonds and five bottles of Poland Spring. It's surreal to even know that they're in the same time zone.

And it's surreal to see Josh, too, as she steps on stage and sits where Krystin was seated just two minutes ago. "Hi," Lauren murmurs, just to him. Then she shoots Christopher, Michael, and Nate a sparkling smile. "And hello. Thanks for having me."

"We're so glad you came back," Michael says. As if she had a choice. "Lauren, you and Josh had a heartbreaking journey together. Let's take a look."

The lights all fade. Lauren, along with the rest of the room, watches as select parts of her "love story" with Josh play out on-screen: their first kiss after he gave her the first impression ribbon, their tango date, their Hometown visit. Finally, Lauren watches as TV-Josh tries to propose to her. The montage ends on Josh's "heartbroken" confessional, in which he muses about "so many doors slamming shut at once" in the Long Island Marriott lobby.

"Wow. That was hard to watch," Michael says, echoing Lauren's thoughts perfectly. "Josh, how does it feel to see this lovely lady again?"

He gives her a quick smile. "It feels great. It's nice to see you."

"You too." She glances at the audience. Her family's there, somewhere.

So is his. At least she never had to meet them.

"This is the first time you two are speaking since that tense moment, right?" Michael asks.

"Well," Lauren hedges. "There may have been a phone call. Just one."

Michael wiggles his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah? Is there still hope for you two?"

"Look. I meant what I said—we clearly are not meant to be. And I called Josh to apologize, because I … knew we weren't meant to be. From early on, actually." Lauren feels calm, measured. It's almost freeing to admit.

"In that case, I gotta ask," Michael continues. "Why'd you stick around until the very end, if you knew Josh wasn't the one?"

"I think it's … a weird environment. Hopelessly Devoted, that is. There's a lot of pressure, and I'm not talking about pressure from the lead, or the producers, or the viewers. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Pressure to come off well, you know?" She swallows, then looks at Josh. "To keep everyone happy." She thinks of Krystin. "To be happy. To have everything figured out."

"What would you say to someone who thought you were just on the show to, say, further your influencer career?" Nate interjects.

Lauren's eyes narrow, and she fights the urge to point out that Nate's been shilling fancy tequilas and multivitamins nonstop since his own season. "I'd say those people don't have to like me. They don't have to follow me, either." She shrugs. "At the end of the day, there's a handful of people out there whose opinions matter to me, and if those people are listening … I hope they know that I still care about them. Way, way more than my career as a content creator, or my reputation, or anything like that. And definitely more than any TV show."

She's not sure she's making any sense, and Nate's looking at her like he has no idea where this conversation is headed. "Let's take a step back. Are you talking about Josh?" he asks.

For the first time since she took her seat, Lauren looks at Josh—really looks at him. She can tell he's in a better place than he was during filming; he definitely looks less tired and frustrated than he sounded on the phone. He's watching her, too, and his eyes look friendly and warm.

"Josh is great," she says, honestly. "He's going to make someone really happy. But I'm …"

Should she do this? Now that she's actually in the hot seat, she's not sure if a very public sexuality announcement would detract from the general theme of the night, which seems to be Josh's Many Heartbreaks. But then he gives her a slight smile and a tiny, almost unnoticeable nod. And she can't see Damian in the audience, but she knows what he would say: I've got your back.

"I like women," she says, and tries to ignore the gasps from the audience. "Only women, actually. And there's one who I really like. I don't want to take up the rest of Josh's night with my story, but …" She looks over at him, and he's grinning. Is the audience now … cheering? Lauren somehow feels outside of her body and rooted in place, all at once. "Maybe I can share more on an episode of When One Door Opens. If Josh will have me."

"Wait, Lauren," Nate says. He keeps staring somewhere off-stage—Lauren can only imagine how pissed the producers look. "Are you saying—"

But Josh interrupts him, his voice louder than it's been all night. "Actually, Nate, I'd like to say a few words. If you don't mind." He clears his throat. "This might get a little long-winded, but I'm hoping you're all willing to bear with me."

Lauren looks at him, puzzled. Once again, he gives an imperceptible nod of assurance.

"First of all, this isn't new information to me. Like Lauren said, we talked, and I support her. And hey, even if she were straight, it wouldn't have worked out between us—she's way too fashionable for me." There's a low rumble of confused laughs. "But this journey taught me so much. I know I talk a lot about doors, but there's a reason my podcast resonates with so many people."

To Lauren's shock, Josh literally stands up and faces the live audience.

"The truth is, we all have parts of ourselves we keep shut, or even locked. Sometimes, because we want to hide what's inside. We want to pretend it doesn't exist, or we're scared to share it with the world. Maybe you have this beautiful, custom-stained oak door, and you're scared that people might love the door itself … more than what's behind it." He pauses for emphasis. "l always thought love would be as simple as meeting that special person and deciding to open our innermost doors to one another—"

Lauren coughs to hide a snort at the innuendo.

"But sometimes, it's a little more complicated than that. Sometimes, a door looks like a push, but it's actually a pull. Sometimes a door gets a little jammed, and you need someone really, really special to open it up just right."

He looks at Lauren, smiles, and then turns to look at someone off-stage. Maybe a producer? Maybe he's trying to bring McKenzie back on and beg for a second chance? Lauren has officially lost track of this metaphor.

"Sometimes, a special person opens your door—no, they help you open your own door—and then you get a little scared, or a little confused, and you shut the door again," Josh continues. "On that note, I'd like to call someone who's become one of my best friends. She didn't turn out to be the hinge to my jamb, but she's a pretty amazing woman, and she's got an important message to share with someone in this room today—and with our Devoted Fans. Krystin, come back out here."

Out of the corner of one eye, Lauren catches the hosts exchanging panicked, confused looks; out of the corner of the other, she sees Penny in the wing, ripping off her headset and reaching for an open can of Truly spiked seltzer. But then Lauren sees Krystin in her golden dress and perfect curls, walking on stage with rodeo champion confidence and composure, and it's like they're back in the mud wrestling ring—like there's just nowhere else to look. She barely even registers Josh returning to his seat next to her, accidentally grazing his thigh against hers and giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

And then, Krystin looks at her, and for a selfish, sappy, scary moment, Lauren thinks that she doesn't regret any of the horrible or misguided things she's ever done, actually, because every single decision she's ever made led her to this evening and this chair and this gorgeous, confusing person smiling at her for the first time in weeks.

"I know you guys might be surprised to see me back out here. But there are a few things I really want—I need to say," Krystin says. She laughs, a nervous little half-chuckle, and turns out toward the crowd, just like Josh did a moment ago. "I mentioned earlier that this process taught me a lot about myself. I think the most important thing it taught me was to be honest—with other people, but mostly with myself.

"I've spent my entire life doing what I thought would make me happy, without ever stopping to think about whether it was working. And whenever I felt like it wasn't, I just doubled down and hoped I could make myself happy. That I could make myself want things I thought I was supposed to want." Krystin pauses. For the first time all night, the room is completely silent. "I came on this show because I thought I wanted a husband. I can't apologize for that, because at the time that was true for me. But then I met you."

Now, Krystin isn't just looking at Lauren. She's walking over to her. And, as if they'd actually choreographed this in advance or something, Josh is standing up and moving stage right, giving Krystin the space to sit down next to Lauren on the love seat.

"I did fall in love on this show. It wasn't with Josh, even though I think he's so great, and if I were into men, maybe things would be different. But I'm … not." Lauren thinks she hears a lone gasp in the audience, but for all she knows, it came from Nate. Krystin's gazing at her with the kind of intensity that's almost overwhelming—maybe it's that, or maybe it's her golden yellow gown, but looking at her feels like squinting at the sun. "I'm not. I'm into you, Lauren. I'm so, so into you." She shuts her eyes for a second, and takes a measured breath. When she opens them up again, she's resolute—more resolute than Lauren's ever seen her. Which makes the next words feel even more sincere. "Actually, I love you. I love you so much I can't remember what it feels like not to."

Lauren doesn't know what it's like to feel good without caveat—without a lingering, repressed sense of guilt, without the knowledge that everything perfect is temporary or fake or not really hers. It must feel like this. Like this beautiful, fearless, earnest person knows her and loves her anyway, loudly and publicly and fully.

Tears are pooling in her eyes, and she's not sure if they're visible, but Lauren still attempts a smirk. Or maybe it's a smile. "Well," she says. Softly, evenly. "Took you long enough to realize it."

Krystin lets out a small, raspy laugh in response, then blinks a few times in succession, like she's also been trying not to cry. She reaches out two shaky hands and cradles Lauren's head like she's holding something precious and delicate and tangible, tucks a strand behind her right ear. And then she takes a deep breath, and leans in to kiss Lauren on live, national television.

There's clapping and gasping and some cheering that Lauren's pretty sure might be coming from Josh. And there's Krystin, her face warm and damp with tears, kissing her and snaking one hand down to Lauren's waist, then squeezing her hand.

"I love you too," Lauren says, and Krystin lights up like she just won a fifteen-person group date competition. "I love you in a real, certain way, and I know I'm not good at, like, feelings and words, but I think I've been trying to tell you that for a really, really long time now. And I want to keep doing it, Krystin. For as long as you'll let me."

Krystin looks away, then back at Lauren. Her voice is soft and shaky, quiet enough to go unnoticed in the cacophony of cheers and yells from producers. "And I never—" she starts, closing her eyes. "I want you to know that Josh and I never did anything during Honeymoons, nothing that meant anything. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you that sooner."

Lauren shakes her head. "It doesn't matter anymore," she says. "I just want to be with you." It's the kind of cheesy line that a Hopeless Romantic would say, one that would usually make her cringe—the kind of thing she never thought she'd feel, let alone say out loud. But it's true.

Krystin kisses her again, and this time Lauren hears one of the hosts clear his throat. Another waffles, trying to get the show back on track, but Josh's voice is clear in the background, pontificating about how, hey, America wanted a love story.

When they pull away, Lauren lowers her voice, just for Krystin. "I know you can't have a boyfriend if you want to keep your rodeo titles," she says, still a little breathless. "Any rules about girlfriends?"

She tilts her head and gives her a meaningful look. "You know, I'm trying to care a little less about rules these days."

"Okay! Okay," Michael exclaims. "This is really great. And we'll be back with more after the break!" He claps a hand on Lauren's shoulder. As soon as the lights dim, he murmurs, "I'm happy for you two, but you really have to get off stage. We've got, like, a minute and a half left to announce the next season."

"Got it," says Krystin. The girl Lauren loves. The girl who loves her.

Lauren hears a few scattered claps from the audience, clearly unsure of the appropriate response to the Hopeless Romantic's extremely public double-friendzone. She locks eyes with Damian, who's crying actual tears. Season twenty-two's thirty-three other Devotees express a range of emotions—Madison's shock, Lily's raised eyebrow, like she knew the whole time, even though she totally didn't. Jen looks like she ate a bad oyster, but Lauren always suspected she was a little homophobic anyway.

Krystin's smiling across the room at Kaydie, who gives her a nod of approval. And then she's smiling at Lauren; and even though the lights have dimmed, and the spotlight has found another focus, Lauren feels like no room could possibly be dark with Krystin in it.

In the corner of her eye, Lauren sees a PA approaching them with the determined gleam she could only attribute to Holland's wrath. But Krystin opens her perfect mouth, and mouths the three words she could never tire of hearing. And then she grabs Lauren's hand and leads her off the stage, out of the studio, and into real life.