Chapter 13

The chateau feels different when Krystin walks through the French doors, wheeling her suitcase behind her. Somehow, it seems emptier with fewer women left to populate it, like how a new apartment looks smaller without any furniture. There aren't even any cameras—because they're not filming there this week. Instead, they'll all be heading back home in waves, with Josh visiting them. Krystin can't help but imagine it like a map in Indiana Jones, a cartoon airplane flying from destination to destination. (The real Ark of the Covenant? Their hearts.)

McKenzie flew directly to Buffalo, with Josh in tow. She seemed pretty happy to be his first stop on his tour of the US, despite Kaydie's rather specific quips about earlier dates being easily forgotten.

Krystin isn't even thinking about home. In fact, she can't comprehend Josh in Bozeman. Every time she tries to imagine him walking down Main Street, it's just a cardboard cutout version of him hopping along the sidewalk. And she's gonna have to think about it seriously soon, because she's supposed to tell Jim and Holland what she wants to do with Josh when they get there.

And who will he meet? Aside from her parents, who will just be happy she's bringing any man home, Krystin has nothing to show for a personal life in Bozeman. She can't introduce him to Delia, for more reasons than one. She's already losing touch with her sorority sisters, mostly because Delia always hated them. Honestly, Delia hates most people. She probably hates Krystin now, too.

Krystin rounds the corner to the residential corridor. Jim told them they could take any bunk they wanted, in any room, since it'll only be three women in the house at a time, so Krystin chooses the one she'd been assigned when she first got to the chateau, out of habit. She slips the suitcase under the bottom bunk and leans into the top, resting her head on her hands.

She breathes. One, two, three, four.

She hears the clatter of heels in the hallway, and then feels slender fingers walk across her back and into the curve of her hips. And then they press gently into her skin, and pull her close.

Lauren breathes into her neck, matching her rhythm. One, two, three, four.

"Did you close the door?" Krystin asks, without moving.

"There's no one on this floor." Lauren's lips graze Krystin's ear. "I checked."

Krystin knows she should feel paranoid, be extra careful, but she can't bring herself to care. She wants to feel Lauren, everywhere.

Lauren curves her pelvis into Krystin's hips and holds her there.

"Kaydie's gonna be here soon," Krystin tries, but Lauren slides her fingers under Krystin's shirt.

"Kaydie's giving Penny a list of things she wants to do with Josh in LA," Lauren whispers. "Trust me, it's gonna take a while."

Then she kisses Krystin's neck gently, carefully, and brushes her hair aside. Krystin sighs, twists under Lauren's grasp, and kisses her lightly on the lips, exhaling into her mouth. Lauren rakes her nails along Krystin's spine, and Krystin kisses her harder.

Kaydie's laugh echoes down the hall, and Krystin leaps back.

Lauren looks mildly startled by the severity of her movement. "Easy, tiger. She didn't see anything."

"I know, I'm just—" Krystin rolls down her tank top, which had ridden up to under her bra. "We have to be careful."

Lauren shrugs. "If you say so." She unzips her suitcase.

Krystin hears Kaydie's suitcase approach, and then she appears in the doorway.

"Hey, girlies!" She's grinning, which, for Kaydie, means she looks like she's plotting something. Her eyes dart deliberately from Krystin to Lauren. "Still bunking together?"

Krystin looks at Lauren unpacking across from her. "Yeah," she says, trying to think of a reason two adult women would share a room when given the option for privacy and space. "I get … lonely." Kaydie blinks. She continues. "It makes me feel like I'm back in my sorority."

Kaydie looks like she has something to say about a twenty-three-year-old woman unable to spend a night alone in a house full of security, but she just nods. "Suit yourself." Then she rolls away. Krystin closes the door behind her.

"So," Lauren says, leaning back on her bunk. "How long were you in a sorority for?"

"All four years."

"And you're telling me you went four years sleeping in a house with however many women without kissing any of them?"

Krystin sits down and pulls her legs in. "That's not that crazy."

Lauren snorts. "You couldn't go two nights sleeping next to me without making a move."

Krystin thinks. It's not that she never thought about it. She was always closer with girls growing up. All the girls in Alpha Omicron Pi were pretty, and sweet, and she did like them a lot. But she thought it was normal to want to kiss your girlfriends—because, if you wouldn't want to date them, why are you even friends with them at all?

But maybe she just confused attraction for that intense closeness that blooms between women. No one ever told her those feelings were different.

"And after that," Lauren goes on, "it wasn't long before we—"

Krystin interrupts her. "Okay, yeah, I know what we did." Heat crawls up to her face at the memory.

Lauren smirks. "I'm just saying. I'm kind of impressed you never planted one on a sister."

"Wait," Krystin says, unfolding her legs. "Did you?"

"Obviously."

It takes Krystin longer than it should to understand. "Are you …?"

"Don't tell me I seemed out of practice in Patagonia."

A memory flashes: Krystin looking down at Lauren, whose tongue slipped expertly in and out of Krystin's tastefully waxed— "Not at all."

"You're cute."

Krystin looks out the window. The Palm Springs sun is high and bright, bouncing energetically off the pool water below. "Should we, like, do something?" she asks.

"Like what?"

"I don't know … What did we do before we left for Argentina?"

Lauren thinks. "We talked shit."

Krystin narrows her eyes.

"And tanned?"

The object of the show is even more stark in its removal—without Josh around, without dates to plan outfits and cocktail parties to primp for, they have nothing to do. It's kind of depressing.

"I just don't know what to do with myself," Krystin laments as she and Kaydie sit on the pool's edge. After years of obeying a color-coded schedule, Krystin is starting to get antsy with the empty hours, like a toddler during preschool-sanctioned naptime. "I feel like my brain is starting to melt out of my ears."

"Hello, this is a dream," Kaydie tells her. "It's like we're in a time vacuum. We have zero responsibilities and an entire mansion to ourselves. Literally, how are you finding a negative?"

Krystin shrugs. "I'm just not used to it, I guess."

What she really isn't used to is spending this much time by herself. Even when she's training, she has Ringo there, and usually Delia to cheer her on from the other side of the fence. The past month and a half, she hasn't had much time to think about anything but the show; and for most of that time, she was surrounded by other women—lots of them.

"So what's up with you and Lauren?"

Krystin's leg twitches, sending a stream of water into the air. "What do you mean, what's up with us?"

Kaydie leans back. The sunlight glints off her sunglasses. "You're, like, joined at the hip since Argentina. Are you besties now?"

"I mean, we had to spend time together, you know?" Krystin drags a finger along the water's surface. "Since we were assigned the same room."

"Right."

The heat feels weighty, and it leans on Krystin's eyelids until they fall closed. She unfurls until her back meets the pavement. The chateau is as quiet as she's ever known it, without pods of women chatting in the cabana and playing chicken in the pool. Krystin half-expects Sara to burst through doors humming Top 40, or for McKenzie to offer her some eggs she just scrambled.

But McKenzie's not there—she's in Buffalo with Josh. They're probably having the time of their lives together, Krystin thinks. Discussing the merits of cedar versus oak. Josh and McKenzie's father are likely getting along famously. Krystin doesn't have the slightest idea what her own father could have in common with Josh, besides an appreciation of hard work and blondes. She supposes she'll find out soon enough.

"So, you guys are close?"

Krystin sits back up. "What?"

"You and Lauren."

"Have you been thinking about this the whole time?"

"Well, are you?"

Krystin hesitates. "I don't know." It's the truth—she doesn't know half of what's going on between them. "I guess, kind of."

"Do you think she has a shot?" Kaydie asks. "With Josh?"

Her sunglasses are perched on the bridge of her nose, and Krystin can see the curve of her eyes behind them. Her brow arches slightly, something like a challenge hardening the ore of her irises. A few weeks ago, Krystin might have thought the emotional wall she sensed Kaydie building between them was evidence of Kaydie's burgeoning crush, each brick an effort to distance herself from heartbreak. But now, after sharing velvet couch cushions and plane rows and hotel rooms with an ever-dwindling group of women who would clearly sacrifice anything to win the perfect life dangling in front of them like a carrot, Krystin suspects Kaydie is merely sussing out her competition.

"Yeah," Krystin says finally, because she does, even if Lauren doesn't want a shot at all.

"Hm," Kaydie mumbles, and then jumps into the pool.

A few hours and several SPF reapplications later, Penny pulls Krystin aside for a "quick chat." She leads her to the confessional room, and Krystin sits in the fold-up director's chair, which she's always felt to be a strange choice for the Devotee seating, considering they're not the ones directing anything.

Penny settles onto a stool opposite her and nods to the cameraman to start rolling.

"So," she begins, looking back at Krystin. "How are you feeling heading into Hometowns? Are you nervous?"

Krystin responds to the camera lens, like they taught her to do during the first week. "I'm really excited to bring Josh home to Montana. I can't wait to show him all the things that make me who I am."

"Are you nervous?" Penny asks again.

Duh.

"I think it's always nerve-racking to bring someone home for the first time," Krystin says carefully. "But it's a super important step in any relationship, and I'm ready to take it with Josh."

"Have you ever brought a guy home before?"

Hadn't they already been through this? Krystin sighs, rephrasing the question in her answer like they always instructed her to do. "I've never brought a man home to meet my family."

"So how do you know what it's like?"

"I'm assuming."

"How do you think your lack of experience will affect your Hometown date?"

Krystin feels blood starting to pool in her cheeks, and takes a measured breath. She's just doing her job, she reminds herself. "Josh will be the first guy I've ever brought home to meet my family, which is how they'll know just how special he is. And how serious I am about this entire process," she adds, for good measure.

Penny nods. "How do you think things are going with the other women?"

Krystin gives a variation of this answer every time. "Every woman here is amazing, and I think Josh would be lucky to marry any of them. But I can only speak to my experience, and I'm confident in our connection."

Penny looks bored before she even finishes speaking. "What about Lauren C.? You had an altercation with her earlier in the season. Is it uncomfortable being around her?"

Yes, but not for the reasons you think."I wouldn't say Lauren and I had an altercation," Krystin says, but she can already imagine the slo-mo footage of the mud wrestling debacle spliced with her interview. "Lauren and I are definitely very different people, but I don't have a problem with her."

"She seems to get a lot of attention from Josh. Do you think that's fair?"

"I think the fact that we're all still here shows that Josh is interested in each of us."

"But do you think it's fair that she gets more attention from him by making out with him?"

Wait, what? "Haven't we all kissed Josh?"

"Some women have been more forthright than others."

"Some women," Krystin repeats. "You mean Lauren."

Penny shrugs. Then she points to the camera, and Krystin realizes she'd been talking to Penny instead of the lens.

Her skin is starting to feel sticky under the layers of sunscreen. She desperately wants to shower, but she knows Penny won't let her leave until she gets a sound bite.

"I try my best not to think about Josh with any of the other women," Krystin says. "But it's really hard. Especially when we're all living in the same house together. But if there's one thing rodeo taught me, it's that you can't compare yourself to other women." Krystin pauses, and hopes what she's about to say doesn't sound too canned. "Unless you're comparing barrel racing times."

Penny doesn't look happy, but she doesn't look mad either. At least no one can tell her she didn't lean into the cowgirl thing.

When Krystin exits the room, she sees Lauren leaning against the kitchen sink, washing strawberries under the faucet. She looks up when Krystin pads across the tiled floor.

"You give 'em anything juicy in there?" Lauren flicks her head toward the confessional room.

Krystin watches Lauren bite into a berry and discard the stem. Then she imagines Josh tasting the sugar on her lips. "No."

Lauren holds out the carton to Krystin. "Want any?"

"I'm good."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Krystin plucks a piece of stray hair from her bikini top. "I'm gonna take a shower."

Lauren leans across the kitchen island and lowers her voice. "Want company?"

She does. She wants to be warm with Lauren, to feel streams of water flood them until they're both undersea. She wants to forget what air feels like.

"I'm really gross," Krystin says instead. "I'll see you later."

By the time Lauren returns to their room, Krystin is showered and lying in her bunk, wearing a full sweatsuit. She hears Lauren close the door behind her, but doesn't look up.

Lauren crosses the room, her footsteps stopping in front of her bed. Her voice is soft when she speaks. "Krystin?"

"Yeah?"

"What, like … happened today?"

Krystin sits up in the bunk. She tries to think of an answer that doesn't sound too evasive, but she takes too long.

Lauren tries again. "You've been so … distant all day, and—" She takes a breath. She looks uncomfortable, eyes darting to different parts of the floor and avoiding Krystin entirely. It sends a pang through Krystin's chest. "I don't know. I just thought, after South America—"

"Do you like Josh?" Krystin blurts out.

Lauren falters. "What?"

"When you kiss him, do you like it?"

Lauren looks mildly horrified. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I'm trying to understand something," Krystin says, because she is. "I like Josh, a lot. He's sweet, he's charming, and he tells bad jokes, and I think he'd be a really good husband, and a good father—"

Now Lauren looks mildly pissed. "And he'll take care of you and build you a house with fifteen different kinds of doors and you'll live happily ever after. I get it."

"No, you don't." Krystin rubs her eyes. "I like Josh, but I like—I like kissing you." She lets it hang in the air before saying it again. "I like kissing you."

Lauren sinks down to the floor, resting her back against the bunk. "I like kissing you, too."

"What you said about your sorority sisters. You liked kissing them?"

"Do you want an itemized list of everyone I've liked kissing?"

"Lauren, please." Krystin meets her eyes, and a dare flickers in them. "Do you like kissing Josh?"

"Krystin," Lauren says, and it sounds like a sigh. "I don't like kissing boys. I never have."

Somewhere buried, Krystin knew the answer as Lauren said it. But even though she expected the words, they still feel something like relief.

Krystin picks at a loose thread in the blanket. "I … don't think I have either."

Lauren's eyes are round and dark. "Really?"

"Really."

They sit there for a moment as the words dissolve in the still air. The room feels like the minutes before a thunderstorm in the dead of summer, sticky and heavy and crackling with anticipation. And then the anticipation is replaced by action, because Lauren crawls across the floor and onto Krystin's bunk, and they're no longer talking about kissing.

Lauren's lips taste like minty toothpaste, and then they just taste like Lauren. Krystin leans into her, smells her hair, and drags her lips along her jawline. Lauren wraps her hands around Krystin's waist and guides her onto her back, and Krystin kicks the covers over them.

"So," Lauren says between kisses, "you like kissing me?"

Krystin's way past the point of blushing, but she feels the blood rush to her cheeks anyway. "Don't make fun of me," she says, only half meaning it.

Lauren looks down at her through a curtain of dark hair. "I'm not," she says softly, and then smiles, like she can't help it. She looks so pretty Krystin thinks she might explode, and confetti and glitter might fire out of her.

Krystin doesn't know if this is what happiness feels like, but she also doesn't want to spend much time thinking about it. She just wants to feel Lauren's skin on hers, to sink into her universe.

Lauren flicks her fingers inside the waistband of Krystin's sweats, and Krystin strips them off entirely. Lauren smirks and looks as if she might have something to say about Krystin's enthusiasm. But then she just sighs and trails her fingertips featherlight along the velvet of Krystin's inner thighs.

Krystin's breath hitches, as if Lauren can conduct the oxygen moving through her body. Lauren traces a line up, up, until her finger slides easily into Krystin's slit, and Krystin shudders into her.

"You looked so pretty today," Lauren says, dipping her fingers slowly into Krystin.

Krystin tries to think of something clever to say, but words are hazy, and she can't grasp any of them. "I was so sweaty," she manages. "I smelled like—" She gasps as Lauren curls her fingers inside her, cupping Krystin against her hand. "Like Banana Boat and deodorant."

Lauren laughs, breathy, against Krystin's chest. "Don't make me say some cheesy shit," she says, "about you looking beautiful without knowing it." Then she pulls her fingers from Krystin and slides them into her mouth.

"Okay," Krystin says, looking up at Lauren through blurry vision. "You've proven your point."

Lauren kicks her legs around Krystin, settling onto her hips. "What point is that?"

"That you've done this before."

Lauren's lips spread into a grin. "I'm not done."

When Lauren presses her lips against Krystin, it feels like agony and respite at once. Lauren grips Krystin's thighs, holding them down while she sinks her tongue into her. Krystin knots her hands into Lauren's hair, and Lauren moans against her.

"You feel—so good," Krystin stutters, because she can't manage anything else. She's melting into the bed, into the dark of the room, tethered only to Lauren's lips. She feels the heat coil through her, around Lauren. Krystin whimpers, stifling a groan. She's still afraid of someone hearing, as if Kaydie could hear anything over the sound of her workout video. But then Lauren slips her tongue inside Krystin, and she no longer cares about anything.

"I—" Krystin starts, but she doesn't even know what she was going to say. She holds Lauren's head between her legs, curving her hips up, and comes into Lauren's mouth.

Krystin covers her face in her hands, feeling the warm skin of her cheeks as the rush dissolves. Lauren kisses the inside of Krystin's thigh while she catches her breath. Krystin hooks her hands under Lauren's arms and pulls her up, despite protests.

"Excuse me," Lauren says when she settles next to Krystin. "I was just in the middle of a conversation."

Krystin giggles. "I heard a strong closing argument."

"I was driving it home. Really, I was emphasizi—"

But Krystin interrupts her again, this time with her lips. She's gentle and slow, following a path from the soft curve of Lauren's neck, to her nipples, to the fleshy part of her abdomen. She follows it to the crease of Lauren's thigh, and further down.

Lauren's breath hitches. "You don't have to do this," she whispers. "You haven't—"

"I know," Krystin says, because she does. "I want to."

"Okay," Lauren breathes. "It's fine if I don't—"

Krystin lifts her head. "Shh! Let me try."

Lauren's quiet after that. Kind of.

Krystin kisses her, then slips her tongue into the soft folds. Lauren relaxes into her, and Krystin applies more pressure, circling Lauren's clit. She follows Lauren's sounds, adjusting and responding like she's learning a new language. When Lauren whines, Krystin clutches Lauren's thighs closer to her, desperate to hear it again.

"Oh my God," Lauren gasps, and Krystin thinks the same.

Oh my God.

Krystin opens her eyes, lifting her gaze to Lauren's perfect face, and realizes she's never seen her look so … open. Unafraid, unguarded. She wants to protect this woman who's never needed anyone. She wants to hold onto her forever.

When Lauren comes, Krystin feels as if a ray of sunlight is beaming from her chest. Lauren's breaths are shallow, then slow and deep. Krystin crawls up to her, nestling her head into Lauren's neck.

"That was a surprise," Lauren says. "A good one."

Krystin feels as giddy as she did the first time she won first place. "Really?" she says. "It was okay?"

Lauren leans into her, and kisses the top of her head. "It was perfect."