Chapter 8

Tonight's cocktail party really shouldn't feel that different from the past three cocktail parties leading up to the past three string-cutting ceremonies: Once again, everyone's wearing heels and false lashes, and once again, producers and cameramen are circling the women like gnats as they wait patiently for a turn with Josh. But this time, there's an anxious, frenzied energy in the lounge, and half the contestants are already rosy-cheeked and glassy-eyed from champagne. Maybe everyone's still on edge after reliving their biggest relationships and heartbreaks.

Or maybe, like Lauren, they're just all too aware that three more women are going home tonight.

Lauren isn't nervous, though—well, not really. So far, the season is unfolding exactly as she expected: She knows she's making enough of an impression to survive another few weeks, collect another few thousand followers. But Josh hasn't even chosen her for a coveted solo date yet, meaning she's clearly not in the front-runner ranks with McKenzie, Kaydie, Krystin, and Lily. At the rate things are progressing, he'll cut her string right before hometown visits.

Everything she wants—everything she's planned—is materializing perfectly. So why does Lauren feel just as unsettled as the rest of the contestants look?

"Talking about Steve was really difficult," Madison says. Her eyes look slightly puffier than usual, and Lauren wonders if she's been crying, losing sleep, or both. "I had no idea it would bring back so many emotions."

Gabi immediately pounces. "Are you saying you miss him? Because if you're not here for Josh, there's the door."

Lauren takes a sip from her flute. If she never hears the word "door" again, it might be too soon.

"Oh, not at all. It's just painful to remember, especially since Josh is really the first guy I've been vulnerable with since then. In fact," Madison says, stepping up, "I'm going to go tell him all of that right now."

Gabi glares at Madison's retreating body. "I need more champagne," she announces. "Anyone else want a refill?"

"I'll come with," says Lauren H. She's been glued to Gabi's hip since the podcast date, probably hoping to get some kind of attention from Josh and the rest of the women. After all, as insufferable as Gabi is, Lauren has to admit she makes a strong impression.

Lauren sloshes the liquid in her glass a little. She doesn't exactly want to follow Gabi and Lauren H. anywhere, but she's tempted to grab another drink, if only to have something to do. She stands up and starts to make her way over to the bar, but she's intercepted by Penny. "How's it going?" she whispers conspiratorially. She's flanked by two men with cameras. "I'd love to pull you aside and hear your thoughts ahead of the string-cutting ceremony."

She nods. "Sure."

They pop into a small side room. "So. Do you feel good about your chances tonight?" Penny asks.

Lauren takes a seat and folds her hands into her lap. "I really opened up to Josh on yesterday's group date, and I definitely think our connection's stronger than ever. I just hope he feels the same way."

"Is there anyone you think should go home tonight?" Penny leans in.

They ask this every time, and Lauren's answer is always the same. "Not at all," she says. "I think everyone was really vulnerable on yesterday's group date, and I think Josh has some really difficult decisions to make."

"What about Gabi?" Penny crosses her arms. "I don't know that she's a huge fan of yours."

"Oh, Gabi's definitely a presence at the chateau," Lauren says. "But really, I'm just trying to focus on my relationship with Josh."

"Would you say you're, you know, not here to make friends?" Penny phrases the question like an in-joke, but Lauren can tell she's hoping for a good sound bite.

"The other women are all wonderful," Lauren says diplomatically. "But at the end of the day, we're all here for the same reason: to find love."

"What about Krystin?"

"Sorry?" She remembers Krystin's strong, firm arms pinning her down and holding her in place; that little smudge of mascara on her perfectly smooth cheek. Just stay away from me.

"Is everything okay between the two of you?"

"What, did she say something?" Lauren blurts out before she can stop herself. Fuck.

"A lot of the women are still talking about your incident from last week," Penny says, blatantly dodging the question.

"Everything's fine between me and Krystin," Lauren says, hoping they won't intercut her quote with some snippet of Krystin shit-talking her. "We're both adults, and again, we're both here to find love. That's what matters, right?"

For a moment, Penny just stares at Lauren, willing her to elaborate. She doesn't.

"That was really great," she says, although her tone implies she feels otherwise. "Thank you, Lauren."

"Any time." She gives her a pleasant smile. "I'm going to head back out there. Talk soon?"

The energy is even more tense when Lauren gets back to the lounge. Lily is laying into Gabi, probably because Lauren H.—Gabi's only real ally at this point—is nowhere to be seen. "What you said to Kaydie was uncalled for, so don't play dumb. You're always provoking anyone who gets a group date ribbon," Lily says, tossing back her braids. "It's transparent, and frankly, it's tacky."

Lauren automatically glances at Krystin. Krystin immediately looks away.

"All I said was that it's really interesting she hasn't had a one-on-one yet. That's basically a compliment." Gabi rolls her eyes. "You're acting like I accused her of buying followers."

"Everyone needs to calm down!" Sara-without-an-H interjects, somehow louder than both Lily and Gabi. Her lip quivers, and Lauren wonders if any of the producers keep Ativan on hand. "There's way too much toxicity in this house."

"You haven't had a one-on-one yet, either!" Kaydie snaps, completely ignoring Sara's outburst. "You keep trying to undermine everyone who has a real connection with Josh. You did the same thing to Krystin." She points a finger at Krystin, who looks like she wishes she'd melt into the plush sofa.

"I don't think—" Krystin starts.

"Josh likes me because I'm real and genuine, and I tell it like it is," Gabi interrupts. "If you can't handle one little question, maybe this isn't the environment for you, babe."

At that, Lauren heads over to the bar cart, pours herself a generous glass of champagne, and wonders if she should go get her five minutes with Josh out of the way. As soon as she puts the bottle down, though, another perfectly French-manicured hand reaches for it.

"Gabi isn't a bitch, you know." It's Lauren H. "She's just trying to … weed out the weakest people. The ones who aren't really here for the right reasons."

"Hmm," Lauren says. She doesn't exactly want to participate in this conversation, but she doesn't want to go back to the lounge, either. Maybe she should go make out with Josh.

"Like, you're really here to get married at the end of this. I can tell. It's so obvious that Kaydie just wants Instagram followers," the Other Lauren adds. Lauren follows her line of vision back to the other women. She doesn't disagree about Kaydie, but it's hysterical that the Other Lauren thinks Gabi, of "Rich Like Me" notoriety, isn't here for fame, either. "And then there's Krystin, who's just …"

Lauren takes a sip of champagne. "Just what?"

The Other Lauren lowers her voice, even though there are still cameras within earshot. "I was just telling Josh that, like, she can't be real, right? She's never had a relationship, and now she's ready to risk her entire rodeo princess thing for some random guy we just met? Something isn't adding up."

Lauren looks back over at the women. Krystin's flute is still completely full—she hasn't seen her take a sip of champagne all night. "Josh isn't just some random guy," Lauren says, mindful of the mic clipped to her dress, even though, well, he kind of is. Actually, nothing the Other Lauren has said feels like a stretch, but her vigilante act still bothers Lauren for reasons she can't really pinpoint. "He's special. That's why we're all here, right?"

"Of course," the Other Lauren says. "But come on. You've seen her, right? Is she really ready to get married?"

Lauren narrows her eyes. She knows she's not one to talk, but the Other Lauren herself has wrong reasons written all over her perfectly made-up face. After all, she's spent more time discussing future TikToks she'll make with Gabi than her interest in Josh. "Are you ready to get married?"

"Yeah. Obviously." She looks down at her champagne as she says it, though, swirling the sparkly liquid in her flute.

"Right." There's something equally comforting and depressing, Lauren thinks, about being surrounded by people who are just as fake as she is. She thinks of Krystin again—genuine, na?ve, secretly strong enough to pin her down—and then something clicks into place. "Wait. Did you say you told Josh all of this, about her not being ready?" Lauren asks. "Like, just now?"

"I know. I didn't want to be that girl, either," the Other Lauren says. "But I feel like at this point, it's our responsibility to tell Josh if we see any red flags."

"Red flags," Lauren repeats.

"If one of the girls here hasn't committed to anyone in her entire life, I just think that's a red flag," she says. "That's all I told him, and you of all people should be thanking me, seeing as she almost broke both your arms."

On that note, the Other Lauren turns and marches back toward Gabi with purpose. Penny approaches Lauren, but Lauren speaks before she can ask for another quick interview. "Is Josh still in the sitting room?"

"Yes," Penny says. She looks defeated. "I think he's with Hilarie now? But you should definitely grab him. Don't be afraid to interrupt. It's important to be bold."

"Right. I'll do that," Lauren says, starting to feel almost sorry for her. She's clearly working overtime to catalyze some kind of rivalry since, honestly, Gabi's days are numbered, and after that, who's left to stir shit up? Lily and Sara?

From the sound of it, Josh and Hilarie are recapping their entire one-on-one in the sitting room. "I can't believe they got Hayden McGranger to perform a private show for us," Hilarie gushes. "I don't know about you, but ‘Jesus, Jameson, and Blue Jeans' was on my Spotify Wrapped a few years ago."

"Hey," Lauren says, resting a hand on her shoulder. "Do you mind if I steal him for a minute?"

Hilarie looks at Josh, her face suddenly sullen. "Yeah, sure," she says. "But Josh, don't forget: ‘Passenger Seat of My Pick-Up' is our song, right?"

He hums a few notes, and it's enough to make Hilarie smile again. "I'll see you back out there, Hilarie."

"Hi." Lauren sits down and rests a hand on Josh's thigh. "Did you miss me?"

"Not anymore." He grins. "You really impressed me on that group date, you know. Have you ever thought about going into podcasting?"

"It wasn't a big deal," she says, taken aback by his earnestness. "All I did was open up about my ex."

"Well, it wasn't just that," Josh counters. "You listened, and riffed off the other guests, and asked all the right questions. You're a natural out there."

"That's nice of you to say." Lauren lets herself wonder whether she could actually make a lucrative podcast after her Hopelessly Devoted stint. It's not a bad idea, but it would definitely require a lot more work than the QA vlogs she'd been envisioning. "It was a really illuminating group date, by the way. I mean, trust and vulnerability are so important in a relationship. If someone can't even talk about their relationship history, how can you trust anything they say?"

Unfortunately, Josh doesn't take the bait. "You mentioned you were still friends with your ex-boyfriend," he says, then clears his throat. "There aren't, er, any lingering feelings there, are there?"

"No. He's totally over me, I'm totally over him." Lauren decides to try again. She's not sure how much time she'll get with Josh before a contestant "steals him for a sec," and she might have to hit him over the head with this one. "Listen, Josh. The last thing I want to do is start any kind of drama, but I know Lauren H. said something to you, and I just don't know if she's trustworthy."

Josh frowns, and Lauren can practically hear the dramatic music that will be superimposed over this moment. "What do you mean?"

"Well, she didn't even open up on the podcast date. She said nothing," Lauren says. "And now she's going around and making some pretty huge assumptions about women who were vulnerable with you today. And if I've learned anything from reading a lot of Taylor Swift interviews, it's that you can never trust women who backstab other women."

"I hear you," Josh says. "She did say something to me, but … you know, can I be real with you for a minute?"

"We're Josh and Lauren," she says smoothly. "We're always real with each other."

"It's just fucking hard sometimes." He shakes his head, and for half a second, Lauren worries he might start crying. "It's so damn hard trying to figure out who you can trust. I have Lauren H. saying one thing, and then …"

"Look," Lauren says, trying to buy a few seconds of time. No part of her wants to be the season's snitch; time and time again, she's watched contestants get sent home (and, even worse, mocked on Twitter) for whining about other Devotees instead of focusing on their own bond with the lead. But she has one card left to play. "I didn't want to say anything, but she called you ‘some random guy we just met.'"

Josh blinks. "She did?"

"You can ask her yourself. I don't want to be the one who tells you who you can't trust." She puts her other arm around his shoulders. "But I think you know who you can."

He looks into her eyes. "Yeah?"

It would be so painfully easy to become a front-runner right now, to secure her spot for another week and beyond. All Lauren would have to do is implore Josh to trust her, and then kiss him until he spews some bullshit about how he's falling for her already. Instead, Lauren says, "You can trust those of us who actually opened up to you yesterday, right? You can trust the women who told you the truth about their romantic history, even if it was terrifying, or even if it gave everyone else room to speculate and judge them. Especially the people who really put themselves out there."

"That's … wow." Josh lets out a whoosh of breath. "You're absolutely right."

Lauren nods sagely.

"Again. I think you should be hosting a podcast." He chuckles.

"I'll think about it. But in the meantime, if you ever need a co-host …"

Instead of answering, Josh kisses her. And when they're interrupted just a minute later, it isn't by another Devotee—it's Holland.

"Ceremony in ten," she says. "Josh, come with me."

Lauren is in the front of two rows, sandwiched between Pia and Madison, but she can feel Lauren H. right behind her, emanating smugness like a signature perfume. Krystin, meanwhile, looks petrified. And alone. Not my problem, Lauren thinks. She won't even look at me.

"Wow. What a week, right?" Josh says. "You know, these ceremonies get a little harder each time. It's still surreal to me that I'm standing in front of eleven beautiful, strong women. It's even more surreal that among them is my future wife. Am I the luckiest man in the world, or what?"

There are a few compulsory, inebriated giggles. But Pia and Madison, anyway, both look nervous out of their minds.

"I have to do what I've done every week, though." Josh takes a deep breath and reaches for the pair of golden scissors in front of him. "I need to follow my heart in order to find my person. And I hope all of you know how special, wonderful, and gorgeous I think you are. McKenzie?"

"Excuse me," McKenzie whispers to a disgruntled Gabi. She walks up to Josh, who takes both of her hands in his. He pointedly glances at the string tied around her wrist, then back up to her face.

"McKenzie, I'd really love to continue our journey together," he says. "And if you'd like that too, you can take a seat with Kaydie and Hilarie over there."

"Of course," McKenzie says earnestly. She sits down next to Kaydie and Hilarie, both donning their golden immunity ribbons. Hilarie, of course, received her ribbon on her solo date; Kaydie, on the other hand, nabbed the group date ribbon after "opening a pretty heavy door to her past" during the podcasting date.

"Madison."

She steps forward.

"I know you haven't always felt appreciated—but tonight, I appreciated your vulnerability and honesty. And I'd really love for you to stay another week."

The next two women are also invited to stay: Lily, Sara.

"Lauren C."

Lauren takes a breath and approaches Josh, her heart pounding. They kissed—that has to mean she's safe for another week, right? Then again, she did break the cardinal rule of tattling on another contestant …

"I can see a future with you," he says, and Lauren exhales. "And I'd love for you to stick around."

"I'd like that," Lauren says. She can't help it: As she walks across the room, she shoots a look back at the Other Lauren and Krystin, standing side by side.

Josh heaves a sigh. "This is hard," he says, almost like he's talking to himself. "Really hard. Lauren H."

The Other Lauren saunters confidently toward Josh, leaving Pia, Gabi, and Krystin behind. Lauren's Glossier-coated lips go dry, her heart sinks to her stomach, and a thought hits her, one that's more a fact than a feeling: This isn't just about wanting the Other Lauren out. She wants Krystin to stay.

"Lauren H. Did you …" He clears his throat. "Did you say I'm ‘just some random guy you just met'?" He makes little air quotes, and a few of the women gasp.

The Other Lauren opens her mouth, then closes it. She looks directly at Lauren, then back at Josh. "No. Of course not," she says, but she's inexplicably blinking like there's a dust mite caught in her eye. "I mean, yeah, I did, but I didn't mean it like—"

"So did you say it, or not?" Josh asks. He's never sounded this authoritative before, and clearly, the rest of the women find it hot: Lily is pretending to fan herself, and McKenzie's smiling like a proud girlfriend.

"There was context," the Other Lauren says weakly, and Lauren tries to keep her face appropriately solemn.

"Trust is the most important thing to me here, and I don't know that we have that," Josh says. "I'm sorry, Lauren, but I'm going to have to cut your string."

The Other Lauren reluctantly reaches out an arm. "I just hope you find what you're looking for, I guess," she says as he snips the string off her wrist. "I hope you make the right choices." It would sound pretty menacing and cold, if not for the fact that she's clearly staving off tears. Josh half-heartedly tries to hug her, but she shrugs him off and walks away.

The room is silent. Sara, seated next to Lauren, is almost vibrating; Pia, Gabi, and Krystin, still in elimination purgatory, are gazing at Josh, waiting for his next move. Only one of them will get to stay.

"Krystin," he finally calls, and until now, Lauren didn't realize how fast her heart was beating. She walks past Pia, her stilettos clicking against the tiled floor.

"As difficult as it was, you were real with me today, Krystin." He squeezes her hand. "I have to trust my instincts, and my instincts are telling me that we have something special. That we could create something special, down the line. And I think you're ready for that."

Lauren swallows down a laugh. She had no idea he'd lay it on this thick.

"I'd like you to stay another week, Krystin," he says. "What do you think?"

She gives him a winning smile. "I think that sounds perfect."

"Gabi and Pia," Josh says. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to step forward so I can say goodbye … and cut your strings."

All things considered, Pia's exit is a graceful one. She gently thanks Josh for the opportunity as she hugs him goodbye, then walks over to the rest of the girls. "DM me if you're ever in LA, okay?" she tells Lauren. "And good luck with all of"—she gestures around broadly—"this."

"Thanks. And I will," Lauren says. She can't really imagine hanging with any of these women outside of the Hopelessly Devoted incubator, but Pia was genuinely kind of cool, someone she might have actually elected to follow on Instagram. It's a bummer she got cut, Lauren thinks, but she'll probably be a shoo-in for the show's free-for-all reunion spin-off, Summer Lovin'.

Gabi, on the other hand, doesn't take the high road. "Whatever," she grumbles as Josh cuts her string. "As if I'd ever want to move to Long fucking Island." She gives the rest of the women a withering look before exiting. Unfortunately, based on Lauren's comprehensive understanding of how this show works, she'll probably get invited to Summer Lovin' too.

"Well," Josh says, staring off after her. "That was an emotional night." He coughs, turns back to the contestants, and tries to smile, but it doesn't quite meet the corners of his eyes. "I have a good feeling about tomorrow, though. And you know what they say when one door closes, right?"

It took Lauren a week or two to get the hang of sleeping in the chateau. It's not that she can't cohabitate with other girls—she lived in a sorority house throughout college, and she stayed at countless Airbnbs while studying abroad in Europe—but the small, tightly packed, wallpapered bedrooms are even worse than the hostel she braved in Copenhagen. Thanks to her silk sleep mask and earplugs, though, she's been able to sleep well enough.

Not tonight.

With Pia gone, Lauren's alone in the room with Hilarie, who's snoring steadily in the bunk bed five feet away. Eventually, unable to take it any longer, she slides out from under the linen sheets, grabs her empty black Hydro Flask, and slips outside. She's surprised to see another woman sitting on the floor at the end of the hall, in a matching flannel pajama set, leaning against the wall with an earbud in, connected to an ancient-looking iPod that may or may not be contraband. Krystin.

Before she even realizes what she's doing, Lauren walks over to her. "Hey."

Krystin hesitates before taking out her headphones. "Hi."

Lauren holds up her water bottle. "Just refilling this."

Krystin just nods. "I thought I was going home tonight," she finally says.

"Oh." It's all Lauren can think to say back. "Well, that didn't happen."

"Yeah." They're quiet for a second, and Lauren's about to say something when Krystin speaks again. "I know you somehow … got him to eliminate Lauren H. You ratted her out, didn't you?"

"You don't know that." Lauren sits down on the ground, too, across from her. The hallway is narrow enough that Lauren has to pull her thighs to her chest so that their slippers don't touch.

"Yeah, I do."

"What makes you think that?" Lauren challenges.

Krystin gives her an incredulous look. "She was so busy glaring back at you, she almost tripped on her way out the door."

Lauren doesn't answer. Instead, she pulls at a loose thread near the sleeve of her pink satin pajama top. She's so close to Krystin—closer than they've ever been without camera surveillance—and it would be terrifyingly easy to touch her. Brush her hand, maybe, or adjust her seating position and graze Krystin's leg with her own.

She shouldn't be thinking these kinds of things about another contestant. Hell, she shouldn't be thinking these things about an absolute textbook straight girl, whether or not she's a fellow Devotee. But then she remembers the Krystin she saw on the podcasting date: her complete lack of experience with men, her hand in Kaydie's.

Suddenly scared that Krystin can read her thoughts on her face, Lauren pulls her legs in even closer.

"So you really care about Josh," Krystin continues. "If you wanted to warn him that she called him—what was it? Some guy—"

"Of course I care about Josh," Lauren interrupts, but it doesn't sound very convincing, even to herself, so she adds, "He's, like, our boyfriend."

Krystin bites her lip. She looks like she's trying to hold back a laugh, or maybe a sigh. "Lauren H. was trying to get me eliminated, wasn't she?"

"You don't know that," Lauren says again.

"Yeah, I do." This time, Krystin doesn't wait for Lauren to argue back. "She and Gabi were standing by the bar cart and talking about it for, like, twenty minutes."

"Well, she and Gabi can have fun talking about it some more at Palm Springs International Airport."

"Seriously," Krystin says, adjusting her whole body a bit as she turns to look Lauren in the eye. "Why are you suddenly trying to help me? What do you want?"

Why is she trying to help Krystin? And the biggest question, really: Why is she still sitting in the hallway with Krystin, having this conversation at two in the morning? The former is only slightly easier to answer. "You seemed so upset after the whole mud wrestling thing. I guess I …" She feels helpless. "I just wanted to show that I, like, care or whatever. About you staying here."

Krystin chews the corner of her lip. "That's a really weird way to show you care about someone."

Lauren holds eye contact. "Did it work, though?"

Krystin's silent again, but her gaze is steady. It's not completely unlike the way Krystin stared at her during mud wrestling; the way she looked at her later that night, in the bathroom. This time, though, her expression is more quizzical, like she's trying to figure Lauren out—but it's equally intense, and Lauren feels a jolt somewhere in her chest.

After what feels like minutes, Krystin gives her a quick flash of a smile, then stands up. "I'm exhausted," she says. "I'll see you in the morning."