Chapter 11

Olivia hadn't wanted Virginia to know, of course.

She wasn't even sure why she had accepted the duke's proposition in the first place. She had no interest in marriage, and even if it meant she could stay longer, it also meant that she would be tied to a man for the rest of her life. Should the dowager duchess be opposed to the matches the duke found however…

"We made a deal," the duke said carefully, "I will find her a husband and she will find a way to settle down and become a homemaker."

"And that is to benefit the both of you?" Virginia asked, an eyebrow raised, "Because it sounds more like you wanting her out of your way."

"I feel the same way, Virginia," she replied, suddenly stopping.

This was her way to stay there. She had agreed, and she was not going to be the sort to take back her word.

"But he is right," she continued, "I am very much content with this. It is time for me to marry, and the duke is kindly going to do so for me, not that I have made it easy for him to do so."

"And you are sure, Olivia?"

No, she wanted to say, No, and your son is making me feel terrorized in the only place that has ever felt like my home.

But she couldn't say that. They had agreed. Not only that, but she had already broken his rules. Whether she liked it or not, he was in charge and she was pushing her luck far beyond what was acceptable.

"Yes, of course I am," she replied instead, "I would tell you if I was not."

Virginia still didn't seem sure of this, and Olivia couldn't blame her for that, but she did not press the matter which she was grateful for.

"In which case," Virginia said brightly, "This is a most wonderful time!"

"I know," Olivia smiled, "You have been waiting for this for a while, I assume."

"Yes, though not for you. Now that you are ready for it though, Scott will be completely over the moon?"

"Scott?" Olivia asked, but she heard a second voice say exactly the same thing as she did.

The duke seemed displeased by this too.

"What about Scott, Mother?"

"I have wanted the two of you boys to marry for years. It has been something that has weighed on me since you became men, but Scott has always been the more… outgoing of the two of you. He ought to settle down first."

"But you have considered me, too?"

"Why would I not have? You'll be a good husband one day, but given the fact that you cannot be in the same room as Olivia, I would never even suggest such a match. I do hope that you don't mind, Olivia, but you shall fare far better with the brother of a duke than you would the duke himself."

"Titles have never mattered to me, Virginia. You know that."

"Wonderful. I shall send for Scott immediately."

Olivia had, of course, never met Scott. She knew that he was the reckless brother, the one that had never had any intentions of being anything more than a gentleman living a life of leisure. She tried to picture the duke, but slightly younger and with a smile rather than what she believed wholeheartedly to be a permanent scowl, but it simply did not work.

The duke in that moment did not seem best pleased with the suggestion, but she couldn't work out quite why that was.

"I shall send for him right away," Virginia smiled before leaving the room.

"Is there a problem, Your Grace?" She asked once they were alone.

"Yes," he replied, "You and I are alone together, heavens knows what would be thought."

"They would likely think that you were speaking with a maid," she responded curtly, but she did step back a little.

She did not need a repeat of what happened the first time she dared to see a man alone.

"Besides that, however," she pressed, "You seem ill at ease."

"That is none of your concern."

"It is when I am to live with you."

"Then it is just as well that you may not be doing so much longer."

"Why are you not happy?"

"Why should I be?"

Olivia blinked. Was this not precisely what he wanted?

"You want me to be married off, do you not?" She asked, "You were only going to need to strike a deal with some gentleman regardless. You would think that you'd be practically celebrating. There is no need for all of that work now. You ought to thank your mother, really."

"Thank her? Why would I possibly wish to thank her for- for-"

"For ridding you of me."

"For inviting my brother," he said finally, "He is precisely the reason I came here in the first place."

"I thought you were here to see your mother?"

He shifted awkwardly for a moment, unable to look at her.

"That is why you are here, is it not?"

"It is rather more complicated than that. You wouldn't understand."

"Explain it to me," she said firmly, "I am far more capable of understanding than you give me credit for, I assure you."

"I am not questioning your intelligence, Miss Staunton. There is no doubt that you would be capable on that level. It is more so your inability to see anything my way."

"Because you refuse to accept that people may have feelings other than yourself. Have you thought about that?"

"It is not for you to change."

"So you admit that it is the case?"

"I will admit that I can be rather closed in my thinking, but it is that way of thinking that has allowed my family to survive. We are not the sort to concern ourselves with every single person that we meet. It is not sustainable."

"It is not the easiest way to handle things, you mean."

"Nothing has been easy for me!"

"Everything has!" She exclaimed, "You act as though you have lived some impoverished and impossible existence, and I cannot stand it."

"Because you refuse to believe that anyone but yourself can face hardship. Is that it?"

"No, of course not."

"No? Then, pray tell, what is it?"

"I simply wish that you would recognize your privilege. I am not like you. I do not get to look at my situation, decide I do not like it, and then change it to suit me completely. I am at the mercy of a man that cannot stand me, and even upon the knowledge that he will be rid of me soon, he is not content. What is it, Your Grace? What can I possibly do that will please you?"

It was an outburst, and she chastised herself for allowing him to vex her so, but she had simply had enough.

"I do not know."

She blinked. If he did not know how she could behave in a manner that would make him happy, how on earth could she?

"Very well," she sighed, "Then if I cannot please you, I shall do what pleases Virginia. She knows what is best for me."

"And do you not?"

"It does not matter what I want. You have made that perfectly clear."

"Miss Staunton, that is not what I meant."

"Well, until you can tell me what you do mean, I cannot bring myself to care what you do and do not want."

She walked away from him then and there, quickly hiding away in her bedchambers. She had done this a thousand times before, though never in that household, but he had left her with no other choice. She just wanted to feel a rush of something without fearing the duke taking it away.

She did not like to wear hats; they felt uncomfortable after less than an hour, and she hated having her hair covered, but she knew that it would keep her from being recognized when she left. The last thing that she needed was for some busybody such as Lord Coatsworth seeing her and reporting back to the duke.

There were two exits at Bolton Manor. One was the main door, which was of course far too difficult to use, but the other was in the servants' quarters. The duke was not exactly known for aiding his servants, and so she was quite sure that he would not see her. Moments later, she was out in the cool air and almost free to do as she pleased, and she knew exactly how she would spend her time.

"Olivia?" The young lady asked when she appeared at her door, "Oh, you look terribly unwell. Whatever is the matter?"

"It is rather a long story, Eleanor," she said quietly, "Might you and Lawrence like a walk about town with me?"

"I was about to put him to bed," she replied, "But I am sure he would much rather see you."

Olivia had met Eleanor a few months prior at one of their soirees, and they had thoroughly enjoyed each other's company until Eleanor no longer came. Olivia had wondered if she had done something wrong, or cause offense, but she soon learned the horrible truth of the matter.

Lawrence had gone to fight in a war, and he had never returned. They had never been wealthy in any way, and now Eleanor was alone with their little one. Fortunately, Lawrence was a lovely baby and he would be able to inherit what little the family had.

The baby did, indeed, seem quite happy to see Olivia. He did not speak, but he gurgled happily and reached out to her, his little fingers immediately tangling in her hair as he clung to her.

"I shall never understand how he likes you as much as he does," Eleanor smiled.

"Is it a surprise that I am liked?" Olivia asked with mock hurt, "Your mama seems to not like me very much Lawrence."

"You know perfectly well that that isn't the case," Eleanor laughed, "Only, you do not seem particularly interested in children."

"I do not wish for my own. That does not mean that I do not like children, only that I do not think I would be…"

"Happy?"

"Good at it," she sighed, "I do not know the first thing about having children. To be sure, I am perfectly fine with your little one, but that is because I only see him for small amounts of time, not to mention the fact that he is practically a little angel."

"I am certainly blessed," she nodded, "But it is not as though I was completely prepared for him to come along, especially with the loss of my beloved husband."

"Do forgive me," Olivia said quickly, "Here I am upset about my life, when you have been handling everything by yourself, and doing it so well."

"Only because I do not have a choice. Some days, I look at my little bundle of joy and I wonder if things would have been better if- if I hadn't married John. I sound so cruel saying it."

"No, you sound honest. It is only you and Lawrence now. I have heard ladies say how hard life is with a baby even though they have dozens of people helping them. I do not know how you do it."

"You just do," Eleanor shrugged, "There isn't any other way, not when your baby is crying and needs you. Nothing else matters when that happens, not my sleep, or my happiness, or my desire for a new gown."

"Which is precisely why," Olivia nodded, holding the door open so Eleanor could walk outside, "I do not think I would be any good as a mother. I would not care."

"You would. Believe me, it sneaks up on you, and then your whole world is in your arms."

Olivia wanted to believe her friend, but she could not bring herself to.

"On that note," Eleanor asked after they had been walking a while, "Why are you concerned with such a matter all of a sudden? You shall be a spinster, you told me yourself."

"It would appear not. Not anymore."

"You have a suitor?"

"Not that he knows about it, but yes."

Eleanor raised an eyebrow, and so Olivia explained it all; the duke's arrival, their disputes, their deal, and the resolution that Virginia had decided upon.

"Scott?" Eleanor asked, "Heavens, I can only wish you the best."

"Do you know him?"

"I know of him, and that is enough. He is a rake, Olivia, and he has no intentions of changing."

"I shall decide whether that is true or not when I meet him. I am quite sure that there are people that do not have the nicest things to say about me, but it does not make them true."

"Of course not, but you must be wary all the same. You may think the duke is a brute, but he is at least known to provide for his family. Scott, on the other hand… Well, you shall see for yourself soon enough. Either I am wrong, and he is perfectly lovely, or I am right and you at least know he is not for you."

"Virginia certainly believes him to be. She said as much in front of the duke. He seemed quite angered by that, actually."

"Perhaps he would rather have you for himself?"

Olivia laughed. It was an entertaining thought to be sure, but the duke was not the sort to fall for her, the help. Not that she would ever want him to, of course.

"Olivia," she continued, "He wants you to marry, but the mere idea of you marrying his brother made him angry."

"Only appear angry! Besides, it was more likely the issue of me entering into his family that he dislikes. He cannot stand me. I cannot stand him. It is just as well, truly, because it will push me further into his brother's arms, and when it comes to all that I shall need all of the help that I can get."

"He isn't unattractive, you know."

"That is not the issue. I do not wish to be a wife."

"Then do not marry him."

"If I wish to not be on the street, I have no choice."

"You always have a place here."

"Until your little one comes of age and is in charge of the household, and then decides that he does not want me there, which is precisely my predicament at this moment in time. No, I need a husband whether I like it or not. It is the only way to find stability, and that is what I need."

"Well, if you are sure."

"And what of you Will you ever find love a second time?"

"Oh, I was fortunate enough to find it once. It will not find me a second time, but that is alright. I have everything that I need already with my little one. Perhaps that will be what brings you joy in the end?"

"Perhaps."

Suddenly, there was a crash of thunder. Rain began to pour from the sky, soaking both women almost immediately.

"Lawrence!" Olivia exclaimed, covering him with her hat, "Let us get you home. We cannot let you catch a cold."

"You see?" Eleanor laughed, "The instinct is already in you."

Olivia thought about that as she accompanied them home. She certainly had a talent for caring for children. Not only that, but she liked them too. Lawrence was little more than a babe, but already his personality was growing more and more, and Rose was a small child but was someone she would even consider to be a friend.

Maybe her children might be the reason her marriage would be even slightly joyful?

She said goodbye to her friends at the door of their home. Eleanor asked her if she wished to join them for tea, but the sky was dropping dark and she knew she would have to return to her own home, if only because Virginia would be expecting her return. She hadn't even been aware of her leaving.

"Will you be alright walking home alone?"

"Of course. I have done it plenty of times."

But she had not, and it was one thing to navigate the streets in daylight but another entirely with impaired vision. Soon enough, she was lost amongst it all. There was nobody to help her, nobody to guide her, and nobody to see to it that she returned safely.

It was night, and she was alone.