Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

S he could hear the strong thud of his heart against her ear. The heart that loved her with all that he had. Her stomach fluttered with the memories of what they had done, and Caitlyn could not help the smile that grew on her lips.

"Are ye awake?" Edan growled.

His voice sounded even deeper, reverberating across the strength of his body as she lay on his chest. Part of her did not want to move from there. She wanted to hear that wonderful strong heartbeat forever, but as the dawn light trickled into the bedchamber, she knew she had to go.

Lifting her head, she looked up at him. He was gazing down at her lovingly, a soft smile telling her how glad he was that she was still lying beside him. She felt his fingers tenderly stroking her hair, and then he said, "I dinnae deserve ye."

Caitlyn frowned. "Dinnae say such things."

He shrugged, and then winced, hissing at the pain from his wound. "It's true. All the years I have tormented ye, I dinnae deserve tae have ye lie beside me like this. That being said, now that I have ye, I'm never letting ye go."

Caitlyn pushed herself up in the bed, and sat looking down at him. "I'm glad ye ken what ye want, Edan, but I need time. Just a couple more days tae gather me thoughts."

"I'm going tae break off the betrothal with Effie whatever happens, Caitlyn. I cannae marry her. Nae now."

"I ken. And I think it's the best thing we can dae, fer now. But I beg ye, please. Just wait a few days. We're going tae hurt me sister so much, I ken that. Ye're her first love and I need time tae think."

Not long after that, Caitlyn hurriedly left Edan's bedchamber and crept down the corridors to her own. She was exhausted, and climbing into bed, she closed her eyes. Even with the myriad thoughts flying through her head, even with the guilt, and the fear of how deeply she was going to hurt her sister, her breathing shallowed and soon, sleep overtook her.

It was well into the afternoon when she woke. She might even have slept longer if Effie had not arrived in her bedchamber and roused her from her sweet slumber. Caitlyn was still rubbing the sleep from her eyes when her sister started questioning her about what had happened last night.

"Why did ye nae come and tell me that Edan had been injured?" Effie exclaimed. "I ken ye were with him, fer Kieran made mention o' it this morning at breakfast. Surely, I ought tae have been told."

The rude awakening and direct questioning alerted Caitlyn, and with her heart thumping, she found herself taken off guard.

"I… er, it was just," she floundered. Trying desperately to think of something to say, she suddenly remembered what Kieran had said last night, and blurted it out in hope it would save her. "Kieran said it was too late tae wake ye."

"Ye should have woken me anyway. I wouldnae have cared. He's soon tae be me husband. Surely, I should have been told."

"I'm sorry, Effie," Caitlyn said, pushing herself up in the bed. "Kieran thought it best tae let ye rest."

"What were ye doing out with the men at such a late hour?" Her older sister looked at her worriedly. "Ye have been acting so strangely since ye've come back. Ye have me worried about ye. I ken ye've been through a terrible time, but things have changed so much."

Caitlyn had no answer for Effie. None that she was willing to give at that time, at any rate.

"We dinnae talk anymore," Effie continued. "We hardly spend any time together. I miss ye, Caitlyn." Effie dropped down on the edge of her bed.

That ever-familiar burden of guilt sat squarely on Caitlyn's shoulders. More so that morning than usual, after what had happened between her and Edan the previous night. Her stomach clenched inside, and she felt like a boulder had been placed upon her chest. She was in love with Edan. She knew that now, but for her to be happy would mean breaking her sister's heart.

"I'm sorry, Effie. Perhaps I need tae make a better effort."

"Ye ken I love ye, but it's difficult enough having tae deal with Edan being so distant. Nae having ye by me side is even harder."

Caitlyn sighed and nodded. "I understand that."

"Ye're more important tae me than anyone else," Effie continued.

Those words only made Caitlyn feel worse. While Effie held her in high esteem, Caitlyn was betraying not only her sister, but her best friend as well.

"If ye want tae talk tae me, if ye need tae rid yersel' o' whatever happened tae ye, ye ken I'm here fer ye. Ye ken ye can tell me anything, dinnae ye?"

While on the outside, Caitlyn nodded in agreement, on the inside, she was screaming at the top of her voice. If only she could tell Effie how she felt. If only she could confide in her older sister as she always had done before now.

Maybe ye should just tell her, and then all this suffering and hiding will end. She's going tae find out sooner or later. Would it nae be better if she heard it from ye?

Just as Caitlyn was building her resolve to confess everything, a knock on the door interrupted them.

"Come," Caitlyn called.

The door opened, and Helen, Effie and Caitlyn's personal maid, entered the bedchamber. "Good day tae ye, me ladies. Yer faither has sent me. He would like tae see ye both in the drawing room when ye're ready."

"Thank ye, Helen," Effie said.

Helen looked at Caitlyn. "Dae ye need me tae help ye dress?"

Caitlyn shook her head. "Nae, I can dae it mesel'. Thank ye."

"Very well, me lady." Helen smiled, bowed, and left the room.

Her interruption had been like a divine sign, and convincing herself of that, Caitlyn retreated back into hiding, taking her confession with her.

"Ye see," Effie said. "That is exactly what I mean."

Caitlyn frowned at her in confusion.

Her sister threw a hand out toward the door. "Since ye've been back, ye willnae let anyone help ye. Milly told me the other day how strangely ye were acting in the bathing rooms. She said ye refused her help when she offered to bathe ye. And Helen has said that ye willnae let her help ye either. It's like ye're shutting everybody out."

Strangely, Caitlyn hadn't noticed that about herself, but now, as Effie shone such a glaring light on it, she realized her sister's words to be true. Helen had always helped her dress every morning and evening. But not since Caitlyn's return. Was she really shutting everyone out? Had her experience of terror done something more sinister to her than she realized?

Sighing heavily, Effie said, "I will leave ye tae dress. I dinnae wish tae keep Faither waiting." Her older sister stood, moved toward Caitlyn, and kissed her tenderly on the cheek.

"I love ye, sister. Please dinnae forget that." Effie then turned and left the room, leaving Caitlyn alone once more.

While the time spent with Effie and her father that afternoon had not been at all unpleasant, it was ruined by the continuing thoughts spinning around Caitlyn's mind. On no less than two occasions, her father had been forced to repeat a question because her mind had wandered, and while her body was present in the room, her spirit certainly wasn't.

Effie talked about the wedding, and when she and Edan might arrange it. Their father seemed as eager as Effie to know when that might be, which then led to a discussion on Edan's aloofness.

"Ye must understand, me child," the laird had said, speaking kindly to his oldest daughter. "What Laird MacTavish did tae him has had an indelible effect." He had glanced toward Caitlyn with a frown, before continuing. "I willnae go intae the details, if only tae save yer sister having to relive it, but I ken the injuries he sustained were grave. Be patient with him. He will come around."

Effie had apologized, and agreed with her father, while Caitlyn had remained silent. Apart from the fact that she did not particularly want the conversation of Edan's torture going any further, she feared the guilt she experienced might cause her to confess everything between herself and Edan to them both.

Edan had said he would give her time to think, and that is exactly what she needed. It was later in the day when she sneaked off to the library to be alone. But the hours she sat considering what huge effect her decision to marry Edan might have on Effie resulted in no definitive conclusions.

While her mind argued for the pain she would cause, her heart argued for her own happiness. Her mind told her she would not be able to live with her decision, while her heart told her how much she loved Edan, and that, perhaps, in time, Effie would come to terms with it.

In the end, all Caitlyn got from the constant debate was a thumping headache, and sending a maid to make her apologies for her absence at dinner, she retired to her room to try and rest and get rid of it.