Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

A few days after the bathing room incident, Caitlyn found herself in the family dining room alone with Edan at breakfast. It was not long after dawn, and none of the family had yet woken. When she first arrived, Edan was surprised to see her, and only because she was hungry, did Caitlyn stay and eat.

"Why are ye up so early?" he asked, buttering a slice of fresh bread.

Caitlyn hesitated before answering the question. Partly because she was ashamed of the answer, and partly because she didn't want to explain it any further.

"After everything we've endured and suffered together, dae ye still nae trust me?" Edan said, looking a little hurt.

"It's nae that I dinnae trust ye," she said. "It's just…." Caitlyn then took the plunge. "Remember the horrible nightmare I had that night?"

Edan looked saddened. "It's hard tae forget. Ye scared me half tae death."

"Nae as much as it scared me." She dropped her gaze and fiddled with her fingers. "I keep having them. Even now. Even though I ken I am home and safe again."

"Ye never did tell me what it was about."

Caitlyn kept looking at her fingers as her heart thumped harder in her chest. Edan reached out and took her hand.

"Ye dinnae have tae tell me, Caitlyn. I just want ye tae ken that I'm here fer ye. I will, now and always, be here fer ye."

His words were genuine and filled her heart with comfort. She also knew them to be true. If Caitlyn had been captured alone, she knew she would never have survived. Not just because she might have been killed, but it had been Edan's constant words of encouragement and hope that had kept her from giving up.

Did he not deserve her trust after all he had done for her? He had proven himself time and again. In fact, as she thought about it, she realized she likely trusted him more than she did any other. As much as she had avoided him since they had been back, she had missed that sense of safety she felt when she was near him.

"It's Laird MacTavish," she said eventually. "In me nightmare, he comes intae that room and…" But she couldn't finish the sentence. It was too horrible to put into words.

She felt his fingers tighten around hers. "I get it," he said. "Ye dinnae have tae say anymore."

Instead of pulling her hand away, Caitlyn held on to the comfort he was offering. "I just cannae get it out o' me head. I ken I'm safe now. But nae matter what I dae, I cannae rid the image from me mind."

For a long moment, Edan didn't say anything. In fact, he gazed at her with such intensity and sadness, the tension grew uncomfortable.

"Anyway," she said, slowly pulling her hand away. "There's naething anyone else can dae about it."

Edan resumed buttering his bread, and then said, "Perhaps ye should come and spar with us."

"Who's us?" Caitlyn asked.

"Darach, Kieran and mesel'. We spar in the evening. Perhaps if ye joined us, it might tire ye out. Maybe then, ye'd have a better night's sleep."

Caitlyn laughed softly. "I think I'd be a little out o' place. I dinnae ken one end o' a sword from the other."

"All the more reason fer ye tae dae it," Edan countered. "Dinnae worry about nae kenning how. I can teach ye. It's worth a try tae take yer mind off things."

Caitlyn considered his proposal for a few minutes. Surely, it couldn't do her any harm. In fact, perhaps getting out in the fresh air and swinging a sword around might do her the world of good. Besides, she was willing to try anything. Anything that might take the horrible nightmares from her mind.

"All right," she agreed. "I will."

This news seemed to delight Edan greatly, and he beamed a huge grin across the table. "Great. I'll come and find ye after sundown."

Later that morning, Effie and Caitlyn took a walk around the gardens. Wispy clouds marred a blue sky, and a soft breeze rushed gently through the branches above. Caitlyn sensed a difference in her sister as they strolled together, arm in arm. The last time they had been in the gardens, Effie had been gushing and excited about the arrangements for her wedding. Now, she appeared withdrawn, and even melancholy.

"Something is troubling ye, Effie," Caitlyn said warily. "What is it?"

Effie sighed deeply. "Everything just feels so different now."

Caitlyn felt her stomach clench, but she had asked the question, and thus, she had no choice but to continue. "Different in what way?"

"With ye and Edan," Effie said.

Caitlyn's heart thumped in her chest, the fear rising within her. Had Effie realized what had happened between them? Had she noticed the sparks whenever she and Edan were together?

"I understand that what ye both suffered was a dreadful experience," Effie continued. "It was dreadful fer me too, being stuck here at the castle and nae kenning if ye were alive or dead."

"I'm sorry, Effie."

"It isnae yer fault, Caitlyn. It's that monster MacTavish who is tae blame. I was so delighted when ye were both back home and safe. I just assumed things would go back tae the way they were before ye left."

"I ken," Caitlyn said uncertainly.

"I suppose, it is I who wanted things tae go back tae normal. But I couldnae have imagined ye would both return so different. How much what happened tae ye, would change ye."

Caitlyn was surprised at Effie's words. "Ye think I've changed."

Effie looked at her with shocked disbelief. "Dae ye nae?" she said.

Caitlyn shrugged. "I dinnae really ken."

Rubbing her arm tenderly, Effie said, "It's nae yer fault, Caitlyn. But ye're far jumpier now, and ye just seem tae have gone intae yersel'."

She knew well she was jumpier now. Both her mother and father had mentioned how worried they were about her. They had even suggested seeing the castle healer about a tonic that might help, but Caitlyn had shrugged it off.

As for going into herself, the ordeal had robbed her of her previous ease; her innocence and naivety. But she was not battling those demons alone. Her mind was also consumed with her feelings for Edan, how that affected everyone around her, especially Effie, and the ensuing guilt that followed. None of which she could share with her older sister.

"And Edan is like a different man," Effie continued. "He willnae let me near him since his return. It is like one man was taken and another man was returned tae me." She looked at Caitlyn with a heavy sadness.

"It must be hard fer ye."

"It is. Before ye were taken, we were tae be married. We spent time together, we laughed, we teased each other. I felt like I was important tae him. But now, I just dinnae ken."

"Ye are still important tae him, Effie. But maybe he just needs some time."

Effie did not reply to that, and for a few moments, they continued walking in silence. Effie seemed lost in thought, and Caitlyn, still nervous of what might come of this conversation, determined it was best to remain quiet.

"I just cannae help but wonder what he suffered," her sister said eventually. "What did MacTavish dae tae him, Caitlyn?"

Caitlyn returned her sister's gaze. "Terrible things, Effie. Terrible things that I dinnae want tae remember."

She shuddered as the memory flooded back to her, the dreadful sounds of his torture replaying in her mind. Even though she had an idea that Edan's indifference around Effie was more than just the result of MacTavish's dreadful torture, she could not imagine for a minute that Edan, strong as he was, had not been affected by the evil things he had suffered.

Effie looked guilty then. "I'm so sorry, Caitlyn. I shouldnae ask ye tae remember. I should be helping ye tae heal, nae getting ye tae relive it."

Caitlyn shrugged limply. "It's all right."

"Nae, it isnae all right. Truly, I am sorry. I will change the subject this minute. Let's talk about something else. Anything ye want tae talk about."

Caitlyn allowed Effie to change the subject, but not without thinking about her part in all of this. She was the catalyst for their capture, and everything had spiraled from that event.

This was all a great big mess, and no matter how much Caitlyn thought about it, she did not know how to fix it. What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to act? Every day was a battle to keep up a fa?ade that was slowly exhausting her. But more than all that, she had betrayed her sister and did not have the courage to confess. Instead, the guilt was slowly eating away at her soul.

Edan kept his promise and came to find her after sun down. Caitlyn had slipped into the library after supper. Watching Effie fawn all over Edan again as they ate supper together was difficult, and she wanted to be alone with her own thoughts for a while.

"There ye are," he said, striding toward the chair she sat upon. "I was looking fer ye all over. Ye are determined tae keep hiding from me."

Caitlyn closed the book in her lap, though she had hardly read a single word, and looked up at him. "I wasnae hiding. I just wanted tae be alone a while."

He gave her a strange look, and then nodded. "I can understand that. But now," he held out his hand to her, "it is time tae teach ye how tae fight."

Placing her hand in his, she let him pull her to her feet. "And what if I'm nae good?"

"Then I'll count mesel' a poor tutor." He grinned.

He took her into the gardens, where Darach and Kieran were waiting for their arrival. Great fires blazed around them, contained in large cages. The bright, burning flames cast long shadows across the grassy area, making the men, who were already huge, appear as if they were giants.

"So, Caitlyn, ye want tae learn tae fight like a man," Kieran teased her.

"Actually, I want tae fight like a woman," she quipped back.

Kieran and Darach chuckled at her defiant reply, while Edan made a huge grin.

"We'll start with a wooden sword," Edan said, handing her the carved wood. "Lift it with both hands and hold it in front o' ye."

Caitlyn did as he asked, but Edan shook his head.

"Nae, ye need tae widen yer stance a little. Ye need balance when ye strike."

"Me stance?" Caitlyn looked at him with wide-eyed confusion.

"Here. Let me show ye."

Edan strode to where she stood, and coming up behind her, he tucked his body in close. A rush of heat bloomed on her cheeks as she felt him press against her back. From behind, he tapped her legs with his foot. "Stand with yer feet apart at shoulder width."

Caitlyn opened her legs a little, as instructed.

"Now," he reached around her and placed his hands on each of her wrists, "ye need tae hold the sword with a strong grip."

Caitlyn could feel his breath on her cheek as he spoke beside her ear. Her hands trembled a little, but this time, she did not shake with fear. Her heart thumped, and her stomach flipped, and from nowhere, she remembered the way he had kissed her in the bathing room.

"And then," his voice sounded deeper, like he was enjoying himself a little too much, "ye need tae be fluid." Using the weight of his body, he pushed her to sway from side to side.

"All right. I think I've got it," she said quickly, while at the same time, stepping forward.

Edan smirked mischievously at her, but Caitlyn quickly looked away, worried the others might see the crackling tension between them.

"Who am I fighting first?" She said, looking from one to the other.

Kieran went easy on her. If he fought her with even half of his strength, she wouldn't stand a chance. He had always been a good and patient teacher, as well as being highly protective of Caitlyn and Effie. Now was no different, as he told her when to advance and retreat.

Darach was next. Unlike Kieran, who seemed to use his intuition, Darach told her every move he was going to make, and the logic behind it. It had always been Darach's way, and even when she knew from where he was going to strike, he still outwitted her.

Last was Edan, who had clearly taken much delight in watching her. He had also been calling out instructions and encouraging her as she fought.

"I'm still suffering from me injuries," he teased. "Ye may overpower me with all ye've learned tonight."

He was trying to make her feel better, she knew that. It was something she was still trying to get used to. After years of him teasing and jibing her, to the point of invoking anger, this new side to his personality still felt strange.

"I doubt that. Even with one hand behind yer back and blindfolded, ye would still likely beat me."

"Blindfolded, huh?" he said, a smile dancing on his lips. "I'll bet that would be interesting."

As the tension crackled between them, Caitlyn knew he was no longer talking about sparring. She was only grateful that night had fallen and the roaring red color of her cheeks, camouflaged by the flickering flames, could be mistaken for all the exercise they had been doing.

Using what she had learned so far, she attacked Edan with effort. He fought back, but not with all his strength. Like Kieran, had he done so, she would likely have found herself flat on her back.

They locked in battle, and he came in close, his sword pressed against hers, his face only inches away. "Dinnae let me overpower ye, Caitlyn." Sparks danced in his eyes as he watched her. "Find a way out o' it."

Employing an earlier tactic Darach had used, she stepped to the side and twisted her wrists, freeing herself from the stalemate. But while she outmaneuvered him, she did it so swiftly, she lost her balance. Stumbling sideways, she was certain she was about to land with a heavy thump on the grass, but a strong arm grabbed her around her waist. Edan pulled her upright with such force, she slammed against the solid mass of his body.

"Well done." He grinned.

Breathlessly, Caitlyn stood there, staring back at him. She couldn't help herself. She beamed a smile, feeling the rush of arousal through her body.

Eventually, it was time to call it a night. The sky was now pitch black above them, and as they gathered their things, Edan came up beside her. "So. What did ye think o' it?"

"I enjoyed it. And ye're right. I am quite exhausted."

"Good." He lowered his voice a little and gave her a pointed look. "Maybe it will help."

Edan turned to speak to the others, when something caught his attention. Lifting his head, he looked up into the night sky. "What is that?"

Darach and Kieran both looked up, and then Caitlyn heard what the others must have heard. There was a stiff rushing sound above their heads. But before Caitlyn voiced her own question, Edan swiftly moved to the side and knocked her to the ground.

Shocked at his actions, Caitlyn spun to look up at him, but as she did so, she watched an arrow hit him in the shoulder. A second later, Edan flew backwards onto the grass.

"Argh," he yelled.

"Och, me god," Caitlyn screamed.

"Attack," Kieran bellowed. "We're under attack."

Somewhere in the distance, Caitlyn heard the yelling voices of the soldiers on the castle walls. But she hardly cared about that. Scrambling to Edan on her hands and knees, she panicked.

"What dae I dae? What dae I dae?" she shrieked.

"It's only a wound, Caitlyn," Edan murmured, trying to hide the agony with a smile. "I've suffered worse."

She could hardly believe that he could joke at such a time. Once more, he had saved her. Shoving her out of the way, he had stood in her place, taking the hit that was clearly meant for her.

Darach dropped to his brother's side, and noting a piece of paper attached to the arrow, he tore it off.

"It's a message," he exclaimed.

"What does it say?" Edan groaned, his words now sounding slurred.

Darach looked intensely down at his brother. "It says, This isnae over yet ."

A little while later, Caitlyn sat beside Edan in the healer's cottage. The healer, Donal, had given Edan laudanum, and while Kieran and Darach had held Edan down, he had pulled the arrow from Edan's shoulder. He had bellowed in pain, and soon afterward, lost consciousness.

"We should tell Effie," Caitlyn said, looking from Darach to Kieran.

Kieran shook his head. "It's very late, Caitlyn. Edan is nae longer in any danger. I think it best tae wait until morning. We, on the other hand," he turned to Darach, "need tae go and speak tae the laird. Me men have scoured the outer areas, but they could find nae one. That doesnae mean anyone is safe. Laird MacMillan needs tae be wakened and told of the situation."

"I'm going tae stay with Edan," Caitlyn said.

"Very well. But before I go, may I speak with ye outside?"

Caitlyn nodded, and Kieran turned back to Darach. "Stay with Edan. I will return shortly."

Once outside, Kieran looked down at Caitlyn. "Before I begin, I want tae remind ye of what I said that first night ye arrived home. Dae ye remember?"

Caitlyn did remember, and with that, she knew where this conversation was going to lead. "I dae." She nodded.

"Good. There isnae any judgement from me, Caitlyn. But it seems very obvious that ye and Edan care fer each other. And I dinnae mean as in-laws. Something happened between ye when ye were imprisoned, didnae it?"

Tired of holding on to this secret any longer, Caitlyn poured her heart out to Kieran, admitting everything that had happened both when they were captured, and since they had returned. Kieran listened carefully, not once showing any disdain at her words.

As she finished her confession, she said, "I am an awful sister, Kieran. I am an awful person. And yet, I cannae help how I feel. I have told Edan that we cannae continue, but I'm terrified he willnae marry Effie now, and it's all me fault."

Kieran shook his head. "It isnae anybody's fault, Caitlyn. Ye didnae go out o' yer way tae plan this. Feelings are feelings, and there is naething anyone can dae about them. Fer certain, the two o' ye can deny yer affection, but that will mean three people will live in misery."

"Three?"

"Ye, Edan, and Effie," Kieran confirmed. "If Edan willnae marry Effie, and ye then refuse tae admit what the two o' ye might have together, then that is three miserable people. Ye are denying yer heart."

"But what about Effie?" Caitlyn cried.

"Indeed, she will be hurt. But yer sister is a wise and warm-hearted lass. I think she will understand. Ye are both so very close. Dinnae let this drive a wedge between ye."

"I think it already has."

Kieran shook his head again. "Nae yet. But it will, if ye let it. Ye have tae understand that it is normal fer such a traumatic experience tae have affected ye and Edan so deeply. I believe there must have been something there before, but only ye ken that."

"Actually, Edan admitted tae me, that he has had feelings for me since we were children. I've come tae the realization that he was marrying Effie because it was arranged. I think he loves her, in his own way, but nae the way she loves him."

"That makes a lot o' sense." Kieran nodded. "And, in fact, only adds weight tae me point. Ye have tae understand, Caitlyn. Denying how ye feel is nae going tae make this go away."

Caitlyn sighed heavily. Kieran had always been a wise man, but she was not certain she could accept what he was saying.

"Put it this way. Is it nae better fer Edan tae break Effie's heart once, than tae go through with the wedding, and break his own, hers and yers every single day? Think of it. How is that going tae be good for Effie? She'll be married tae a man who doesnae love her. Would ye want her tae have such a miserable life?"

Put that way, Caitlyn could understand Kieran's reasoning. She could see how Edan marrying Effie would affect her sister.

"I have tae go and speak tae yer faither," Kieran said. "But think on me words, Caitlyn. We will talk some more soon. Fer now," he nodded to the healer's cottage, "there's a man in there who needs ye."