Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

S he knew what was about to happen, but Caitlyn did not step back. After all she had suffered, she wanted to feel Edan's touch. She needed to feel his touch. A desperate ache in her stomach yearned for his protection, and as his lips met hers, she felt a depth of safety that had been missing for weeks.

Breathlessly, she floated as his lips pressed against her own. Holding her at her waist, he pulled her body against his. It had been such a long time since she had been kissed, but as Edan slipped his tongue inside her mouth, this felt nothing like the chaste embraces she had shared with Aengus in the small time they had been together. His tongue roved about hungrily, only exciting her more. Her stomach tumbled, her heart thumped, and spinning out of control, she could barely catch her breath.

But then, Edan's hunger lessened, and with his tongue retreated, he kissed her tenderly, lightly, and then slowly, he pulled away. Still gazing down at her breathlessly, he growled, "Ye cannae imagine how long I have wanted tae dae that."

His voice was thick and full of passion, whereas, Caitlyn could hardly find hers. Instead, as each second passed, guilt welled up in her for what they had done. Edan was Effie's betrothed. How could she do this to her own sister?

"The water's getting cold," was all she managed, and stepping past him, she avoided his eyes.

After darkness fell, they ate a late supper before retiring. When it came to the sleeping arrangements, Edan suggested he take the floor, but Caitlyn would not hear of it.

"Absolutely nae," she said determinedly. "I think we've spent enough time sleeping on hard, cold floors, dinnae ye? The bed is large enough fer the two o' us. We'll share it."

Edan gave her a careful look. "Are ye sure?"

She knew why he was asking, but instead of acknowledging it, she just shrugged it off. "It'll be grand."

The following morning, Caitlyn awoke to find herself wrapped in Edan's arms. Too tired to pull away, she took a deep breath in. He bent forward and kissed her forehead.

"Ye had another nightmare last night," he said softly.

She remembered it well. MacTavish. Again .

"I tried tae waken ye. Ye opened yer eyes fer an instant, but then ye fell straight back tae sleep. Are ye all right?"

His voice was soft and tender, and once again, Caitlyn could feel that strong pull toward him. But immediately following her desire, and in stark contrast, was the knowing that what she felt for Edan was wrong.

"This has tae stop, Edan," Caitlyn said, catching him off guard.

She knew he was trying to look after her. He had done nothing else for the whole time they had been prisoners, but even as she lay in his arms, she knew they were in dangerous territory.

"Whatever this is has tae stop. We've suffered a dreadful ordeal together, but ye're still supposed tae be marrying me sister. This isnae right."

"Caitlyn…" he begged.

"Nay, Edan. Ye have tae listen tae me. I already feel dreadful fer dragging ye intae this mess. What MacTavish made ye suffer was horrific, and the sounds that came from that room that will haunt me fer a long time tae come. I've caused enough damage. I willnae add tae it by ruining yer betrothal tae Effie."

While she was speaking, Edan was stroking her hair. Even now, when she was trying to be vigilant in her stance, the sensation sent shivers across her skin.

"I would dae it all again if it would mean ye wouldnae be left alone," he murmured. "But more than that, Caitlyn, there's something I have tae tell ye."

Swiftly pushing herself up in the bed, Caitlyn shook her head. "Nay," she cried. "Dinnae say it. Dinnae say the words." Somehow, she just knew he was going to tell her how he felt about her. "Please, Edan. If ye say it, everything will change. I dinnae have the strength right now tae deal with me own heart."

He gazed at her steadily with soft eyes. "All right, Caitlyn. I'll nae say it. But at some point, we need tae talk about it."

"But nae now," she confirmed.

"Nae now," he agreed.

They arrived back at her father's castle by midafternoon. When the guards saw them approaching, a lot of shouting began, and by the time their horse reached the gates, her whole family were running to meet them.

Her mother and father embraced her tightly, with tears trickling down their faces. Effie, too, wrapped her arms around her, while Kieran stood to the side, looking more than concerned. With her head pressed against her father's chest, Caitlyn watched as Darach held his brother in the same heartfelt and relieved embrace. Edan turned a little and caught her looking, and for a second, their eyes locked.

"We thought ye were dead," her mother cried, when Caitlyn was eventually released from her parent's tight clutches.

Effie was on one side of her, and her mother was at the other, both of them asking questions as they made their way back to the castle.

"Me dears," her father interrupted them. "Caitlyn has suffered a traumatic ordeal. She needs our love and attention at this time, nae an inquisition."

Effie and her mother apologized, and wrapped their arms around Caitlyn once again.

Edan approached Laird MacMillan and, walking beside him, said, "We need tae arrange a meeting with the council immediately."

"Ye're injured, lad. I think it best ye get looked at first," the laird said calmly.

"Me laird… Conor," Edan replied. "I was far worse than I am now. I need tae brief ye on MacTavish's plans. ‘Tis o' the upmost importance."

With a final glance at Caitlyn, her father brought his attention back to Edan. "Very well. Kieran?"

"Aye, me laird," Kieran said from a few steps behind.

"Rouse the council. We will meet in the great hall immediately."

"Aye, me laird."

Entering the castle, the men marched in the direction of the great hall, while Caitlyn's mother and Effie guided Caitlyn down a different corridor.

"Are ye hungry? Have ye eaten?" her mother asked. Her worried expression only deepened as her eyes scanned Caitlyn's waiflike frame.

"I'm fine, Maither. I'm just tired."

"Then come tae me bedchamber," Effie beamed. "Ye can rest in me bed. I cannae believe ye and Edan are actually home. We thought ye were…" Her sister trailed off.

"Now, Effie. Remember yer faither's words," Lady MacMillan warned.

Upon reaching Effie's bedchamber, their mother pulled back the heavy covers of Effie's bed. "Come, me dear. Get in here."

"Och, I couldnae sleep now, Mother. Edan and I managed tae rest in a tavern last night after we escaped."

"Get intae bed anyway. We'll nae leave ye," she said, smiling kindly.

Caitlyn was surprised that, once she clambered into the bed, Effie crawled in on one side, and her mother crawled in on the other. Both sat close, her mother wrapping her arm around her shoulders.

While Effie gushed at Caitlyn and Edan's return, Caitlyn's guilt rose. Her sister had been worried sick, as one might expect. And how had Caitlyn repaid her? By kissing the man she was supposed to marry.

Effie and Lady MacMillan talked in general of what had been happening in the castle in Caitlyn's absence. Clearly, following her father's directive, they steered clear of her capture and what might have occurred while she had been a prisoner. Caitlyn tried to pay attention, but instead, her mind wandered.

We are home now. I cannae allow anything more tae happen between me and Edan. It isnae right. Besides, things will surely go back tae normal. ‘Tis only because o' the extreme circumstances that we did what we did.

Even as those thoughts raced through her mind, she knew she was lying to herself. Edan had feelings for her, and she for him. Thinking their death was imminent every single day had only pushed them closer. How was she now supposed to go back to normal life? How was she supposed to quash her feelings, when she would see him every day for as long as he remained at the castle?

Much later, when Effie and her mother had fussed over her, bathed her, brushed her hair, and dressed her in fresh clothes, they went down to the great hall for dinner. The huge room was packed with people, chattering, and laughing, but Caitlyn jumped with fright as her arrival caused a great cheer from them all.

"It's all right, Caitlyn," her mother calmed, holding her arm warmly. "I'm right by yer side."

At the high table at the far end of the room, her father and all the men were already seated. As Caitlyn approached, she caught Edan gazing at her. A soft smile danced upon his lips, but afraid that Effie might see, Caitlyn cast her eyes away.

When they were all seated, Laird MacMillan stood and gave a grand speech, talking of Edan's bravery and Caitlyn's courage. Edan had clearly told him exactly what had occurred, particularly regarding their escape, for he spoke of details he could not know otherwise. He regaled the cheering crowd with how courageous Caitlyn had been in… murdering the guard, and only for her bravery, she and Edan had escaped. But at his words, the dead guard's body flashed into her mind, and she felt suddenly breathless. No one seemed to notice. Everyone seemed far too busy shouting in delight at what she had done.

The food was served after that, and while everything looked delicious, Caitlyn did not feel at all hungry. She ought to be ravenous after eating only one measly meal a day. Perhaps it had something to do with still being able to see the guard's blood on her hands.

Beside her, Effie sat next to Edan, fussing over the cuts and bruises that were still very apparent on his face. The same cuts and bruises Caitlyn had tenderly cleaned and cared for in that dreadful room. As hard as she tried to fight it, she could not help but feel jealous.

Is this how it is going tae be? Am I tae be tormented fer the rest o' me life as I watch me sister take care o' him?

Edan was evidently not enjoying Effie's fussing, and continued pulling away from her when she tried to kiss him. He was trying his best to make his excuses, but Caitlyn knew the real reason. As hurtful as it was, she had to admit Edan's behavior was, in part, her fault. She was wondering how on earth she was supposed to cope, when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Ah," she cried, jumping up from her chair in fright. As her hand shot out, she knocked over her glass of wine, spilling it all over her dress. No more than a few seconds later, Edan was by her side.

"Caitlyn," he gasped, grabbing her arm. "Are ye all right?"

By this time, Caitlyn had realized her overreaction, and now felt utterly foolish. A maid, who had been the one to gently tap her shoulder, remained standing there with a plate of bread. She looked both stunned and terrified.

Caitlyn looked at the young lass. "I'm so sorry."

"Nay, miss. ‘Tis I, who am sorry," the lass said, still looking distraught.

"Ye are safe, Caitlyn." Edan said calmly. "We're home now. Nae harm can come tae ye here."

"I ken. I'm sorry. I'm fine," Caitlyn rambled. "It was silly o' me." Looking down the table at all her family staring at her, she shook her head. "I'm so sorry. I didnae mean tae ruin yer dinner."

"Ye havenae ruined anything, child," her father said, looking at her with kind sadness. "This is only tae be expected. Ye've been through a great deal."

"Aye." Caitlyn nodded.

She felt overwhelmed, and seeing all the eyes of those in the hall were upon her, Caitlyn needed to get out.

"I need tae change me frock. I'll nae be long."

Her father nodded, and without waiting for anyone else to say anything, she left Edan standing there and hurried from the great hall, trying her best to ignore the sympathetic smiles and glances of those she passed.

Having no intention of going to her bedchamber, Caitlyn rushed out into the gardens of the castle. Her favorite place, before her dreadful experience. She opened her mouth and gasped in great gulps of air. When she felt satisfied she was not suffocating, she moved toward a tree and leaned upon it.

"Yer faither is right," Kieran's voice came from behind her, making her jump again. "It's all right, Caitlyn," he said, approaching her and taking her hands in his. Kieran was a giant of a man, and her hands were swallowed under his calloused fingers. "What ye're experiencing is entirely normal. But I promise, it will pass."

"What if it doesnae pass?" Caitlyn cried. "What if I'll never be the same again?"

"Ye will," her cousin soothed. "I can help ye rebuild yer confidence. Though, I have tae say," he smiled wryly, "when Edan told us how ye killed that guard, I couldnae have been prouder o' ye."

"Ye shouldnae be proud o' me," Caitlyn barked. "I dinnae think I did any great thing. I killed a man."

Kieran looked at her carefully. "Ye killed a man who was holding ye prisoner, Caitlyn. He wasnae a good man."

"That doesnae make me feel any better here." She tapped her fingers against her heart.

"I ken, lass. Sometimes I forget how innocent ye truly are. I've blamed mesel' since ye were taken. I should have been out there with ye when ye stormed out o' that tavern. It was a foolish mistake on me part."

"Ye couldnae have kent," Caitlyn said. "Naeone could."

"After the attacks we'd had from MacTavish, I should've been more careful. More wary."

"It wasnae yer fault," she replied. "I was foolish tae run out by mesel'. Me actions caused Edan tae get taken and tortured, and I still have tae find a way tae live with that."

"Och, Edan's tough enough."

"That's nae the point."

Kieran gazed down at her with an inquiring expression. "Things have changed between ye and Edan. The last I saw ye, ye hated each other."

Caitlyn was wary of Kieran's words and slight change of subject, and could not help but wonder if he had picked up something no one else had.

"I suppose two weeks in captivity with each other will dae that," she said vaguely.

"Aye," he said slowly. "I suppose it will."

For a long moment, he didn't say anything else, and then lowering his head to catch Caitlyn's eye, he said, "Ye ken ye can tell me anything, dinnae ye, Caitlyn? If ye ever need tae talk, I'll be there fer ye."

She nodded. "I ken."

"Ye've been through a lot. I've always been there fer ye, and this isnae any different. There'll be nay judgement. Nae fer anything," he said pointedly. "Just a listening ear."

"Thank ye, Kieran," Caitlyn whispered.