Chapter Four

S arah held the steering wheel gripped tight between rigid fingers the whole ten-mile drive home, forcing herself to concentrate on the road and not crash the damn car. Inside she was frozen. Numb. She shook from reaction.

The fact that Cal had said that to her…

She didn’t care what other people thought—it was Cal who was hung up on the opinions of others. Sarah didn’t give a crap. But he’d said those words out loud for precisely that reason—because he cared what others thought, and he didn’t want anyone thinking he was involved with her.

When she turned off the main road onto the ranch’s drive, she finally allowed tears to blur her vision. She pulled up outside the ranch house and gathered up her things. Her hand shook when they hovered over the boxes of gifts she’d bought, but she stuffed them forcefully inside her purse. There was a giant gift-wrapped box containing a doll’s house for Tabby, hidden in the trunk. Nat could fetch it later and hide it in the closet, along with all the other presents they’d amassed for the youngest member of the Sullivan family.

She stumbled up the steps, opened the door, walked through the mudroom, ignoring the dogs, the greetings, the looks of concern when she tossed her bag on the kitchen table and just kept going.

“Sarah?” Nat called. “Sas?” He started following her, coming faster and faster. She wanted to get away, to run, but even though she made it to her room, Nat kept on coming. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

His obvious concern tipped her over the edge. She started crying, and he pulled her to his chest and rocked her. He was hot and damp and smelled like horses. More than that, he smelled like safety and security, like her big brother.

“What is it? What happened? Something at work?”

She shook her head. “I’m in love with Cal.”

He huffed out a quiet laugh. “Honey, that’s hardly news.”

She nodded. She might not have said the words, but the truth had always been on her face. “Yeah, well, about a month ago I seduced him.”

She heard him grinding his teeth. “Not what I want to think about, but okay. You’re an adult, and if you waited for Cal to make a move we’d all be dead.”

She started crying harder then, sobbing into his shirt. “He doesn’t want me, Nat. I saw him in town and practically begged him to marry me. He told me he didn’t want me. Didn’t love me.”

His arms were banded so tight around her they hurt. “I’m gonna kill him.”

She pushed away from him. “He’s your best friend, you idiot. You can’t kill him just because he doesn’t love me back.”

Nat’s blue eyes widened, then he shook his head. “Not love you back? The guy watches every move you make. He opens your door. Takes your plate at dinner. Polishes your saddle even though you only ride once a month. I’m gonna kill him for being an asshole and making you cry.”

Sarah couldn’t think straight. She was wiped out, emotionally and physically, and she had another long shift tomorrow. “He loves me like a sister—”

“As your actual brother I can tell you that’s not how he feels.”

“Well, he doesn’t love me the way you love Eliza. Or the way Ryan loved Becky. You guys were never ashamed of the person you were with.”

Nat sighed. “Cal has some misplaced notion he’s not good enough for you—”

“Well grinding me into the dirt is a hell of a way of showing it!”

Nat held up a hand as if to ward off the temper brewing inside her. “I can see this isn’t the time to talk about it. Run yourself a hot bath, and I’ll bring you up a supper tray.” He ran his hand over her bangs, the same thing he did to his horses when their manes got in their eyes. “We’ll figure this out. Cal’s not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. He just needs a bit of time to adjust to the fact he’s allowed to be happy.”

She grabbed his hand. “You don’t disapprove?”

Nat gave her an odd look. “He’s my best friend. Nobody else would be good enough for you.”

Sarah nodded, and he left. Inside she still felt hollow and broken. After everything that had happened this year she’d hoped for a good Christmas, a time of joy and new beginnings. But regardless of what Nat thought, maybe she and Cal weren’t meant to live happily ever after. Maybe Cal Landon wasn’t the man she thought he was.

***

Cal sat in a holding cell trying to ignore the insidious sense of revulsion that crept through every capillary and vein. The memories assaulted him like poison and made him feel sick to his stomach.

He’d been lucky, considering what might have happened to a fourteen-year-old boy in the prison system. Sweat broke out under his shirt and ran down his back. He’d been tried as a juvenile and spent the first four years of his sentence in a juvenile detention center where he’d finished his high school education and figured things weren’t so bad. Then he’d been transferred to a men’s prison and the shock had almost driven him over the edge. In many ways he’d been lucky there, too. He’d been paired with a hard-ass from Idaho called Lloyd Deter. The guy was an anti-government, racist, fascist bigot, but he hadn’t been interested in Cal sexually, even though he was fresh meat in a prison population that was only part-human. Lloyd also hadn’t wanted anyone defiling his roomie because the idiot seemed to think that being raped by another man would make someone gay, and gay was apparently contagious. Once the guy assured himself Cal was straight as a hard back chair, he’d protected Cal’s ass along with his own. So, yeah, Cal had been lucky. He’d just had to spend years listening to redneck bullshit. And maybe that was his real shame. Not being true to himself, to his beliefs. Not standing up for himself in a system where he was guaranteed to fail.

He’d got through it. He wasn’t proud. Hell, he had nothing to be proud of.

He heard hinges squeak as a door opened and closed. He looked up. A deputy pushed his stepbrother in front of him toward the holding cell.

Shit . Was this Talbot’s twisted Christmas present to Terry?

His stepbrother grinned. Terry had been eight when Cal had killed his daddy. Cal had just wanted the guy to stop hitting his mother. Sadly, Cal’s mom had died of a heroine overdose the first year he’d been locked up. Terry had gone to live with some aunt somewhere. Cal figured the kid had been better off.

Terry and his friends had tried to beat him to death in the local roadhouse this past spring. Would have succeeded without Eliza and Nat rescuing his hide. The incident had underlined all the reasons he couldn’t afford to let anyone close. He should have left town then, but couldn’t bring himself to abandon a family who’d taken him in and loved him like one of their own. Not during their hour of need. When Eliza had been injured and Nat had spent most of his time at the hospital, Cal had picked up the slack. A few months ago, Nat had taken Eliza on a honeymoon to Australia, and Cal had run the ranch with Ryan. But now things had quieted down, they didn’t really need him anymore. It might be better all around, especially for Sarah, if he just left, went somewhere people didn’t know about his past, couldn’t use it to hurt his friends.

The deputy shot him a steely-eyed stare over Terry’s shoulder and then undid the cuffs on his stepbrother’s wrists. Then he unlocked the cell door and held it wide.

“I want my lawyer here ASAP,” Cal told the deputy. Before he’d been happy to wait out these assholes, but now he was done playing nice.

“Sure thing, Mr. Landon. I’ll get right on that.” The deputy smirked.

Terry grinned. He wore a tatty leather jacket and liked to think of himself as a biker, but Cal had met real bikers inside and they didn’t just ride hogs. They were tough as shit and crossing them was a guaranteed way to get yourself dead. Terry wore the jacket and thought that made him a bad-ass. The guy was a fricking idiot.

The deputy left. Cal figured someone would be watching the video feed and eyed the camera and shook his head. “Been a long time, Terry.” He didn’t move from where he sat. The other guy walked along the bars until he stood opposite about three feet away.

Terry was younger by six years, skinny and covered in tattoos. “You’ve been avoiding me, Cal.”

Cal let a smile slip. Not well enough. “Reckon I have.”

Terry took a step forward. “Time’s run out.” He swung, but Cal ducked.

Cal came to his feet and dodged another fist. “I don’t want to fight you, Terry. I know you’re pissed. I’d be mad if someone killed my dad, but I never meant to kill him, and I did my time.” He might be out of prison, but he paid the price every day of his whole life, and regretted his actions more than he could ever say.

Terry swung again and connected with his cheek. Cal gave him that one.

“You fucking asshole. Did your time? You killed my father! He was a good man.”

Cal avoided another punch and backed away, hands in the air. “He was an abusive dickwad. If I hadn’t stopped him he’d have killed my mom and probably us too.”

“Your mother was a crack whore!” Terry screamed.

And that made it okay?

Terry’s mother had died in a car accident where Terry’s father had been driving. He was never charged, but everyone knew he’d been drunk at the wheel. He was no angel. Cal’s mother had attached herself to the single dad, and they’d got married shortly after. A match made in Heaven. They’d barely made it through the wedding before the guy started beating her.

Cal danced away. He’d already inflicted too much damage. He had no desire to ever commit a violent act again, but as Terry started laying into his stomach, Cal suddenly had enough. Enough of apologizing every day of his life. Enough of being the doormat that the cops wiped their feet on. He was lean, but it was all muscle, and he’d learned to fight in the Big House. He ducked away and danced on his toes. Terry swung at him and swiped air. Cal laughed.

Terry’s eyes grew small and mean. “Gonna go find that cute little blonde with the fine ass when I get outta here.” He cupped his crotch. “Give her a taste of what a real man can offer her.”

Cal punched Terry in the nose and heard it crack. Then he jabbed him again in the mouth, watched as Terry’s head snapped back and used a one-two to drop him to the cement floor. He stood, breathing hard, as the guy lay coughing on the floor. “Go near that girl or even look at her ass, and I will make you wish you died the same day as your daddy. Got it?” He moved away as the deputies finally rushed in. He stood shaking his head as one of them smacked him hard enough against the bars so his nose gushed with blood. Like he’d ever want to drag a woman like Sarah into the dregs of his world. He spat out blood. Damn . It was gonna be a long night.