Chapter 33

33

Three days until the wedding…

The next morning, Jane stared at the five gowns lying flat on her bed. Hercules sat at her feet, his tail thumping rhythmically against the wooden floor, panting with his dog-smile. Matching gloves lay alongside each dress. She picked up the silky material of the silvery-pink gown she’d worn last night…the night she’d thought she was brave enough to begin a new life and to believe in fairy tales.

In which the prince and Cinderella would be happy forever.

This frock was a stark contrast to the gray dress she had put on, the one her loyal Ruby had made for her. The one in which Jane truly belonged.

A large chest stood next to her bed, a dark shadow falling from its walls into its depths. The depths where all her gowns would vanish. She’d never wear them again.

The dress she was supposed to wear to the Almack’s ball five years ago was in that chest.

She let go of the silvery-pink gown and picked up her old gown, looking it over. It was white and silky, simpler than Mrs. Newman’s designs, more suitable for the young debutante she had been back then. The bodice was embroidered with delicate patterns of flowers and vines, and the ribbon under it had small river pearls sewn in a wavy pattern. The skirt had a layer of gauze. Jane remembered how she had thought she looked innocent and quite pretty as she gazed at herself in the mirror before departing for Almack’s.

Naive. She had been naive. She realized that, despite her gray dresses and her denial, she had never given up her secret hope that she would someday be accepted in high society. But that hope was truly dead now.

She dropped the gown back into the chest. Unfortunately, after believing ever so briefly that she could belong to Richard…to the world that was his…life had shown her, like a cold slap in the face, that she, indeed, could not.

She remembered the shocked expressions on people’s faces. The judgment in their eyes. Their mouths curved in barely hidden contempt. There was no trace of the respect or admiration she had encountered a few minutes before.

The forever he and she could have was just an illusion.

Thorne was right. No matter what Richard had said, she would never belong to the ton, to Richard. Not after the scandal that had occurred last night.

Her brother, with his ungentlemanly behavior, storming in like a barbarian, had shown everyone where she really belonged. And it wasn’t with the high society of London. It wasn’t with Richard.

Even if his intentions were noble, and he would marry her, after all, she’d always drag her association with Whitechapel with her, tarnishing him and his whole family.

Lady Whitemouth, Lady Fairchild, His Highness, and the rest of high society would never forget the evening Thorne Blackmore had barged into a royal ball to take his sister home.

She must now add these dresses to the chest and shut them away forever just like her feelings for Richard.

Hercules turned and let out a friendly bark. A knock at the door had her turn. It was Ruby, her eyes round, the deep wrinkles around her mouth dark.

“Janie…” she said. “I see you’re already dressed. I came to help you. Why did you not put on one of the pretty dresses Mrs. Newman made?”

“Because I was lying to myself. They are suited for a lady who lives in Mayfair. I won’t be that lady,” she said as she bent down to pick up the silvery-pink gown. She felt like she was saying goodbye. “I didn’t sleep, anyway, so I dressed myself. If you have time, could you help with folding these and putting them away? Perhaps we could sell them, and I can use the money for the school.”

“Of course, love,” Ruby said. “But won’t you need them for your life with your new husband?”

She shook her head, and with shaking hands, she picked up the blue-gray gown that would have been her wedding dress. “There’s no new husband.”

“Why not?” asked Ruby. “He wouldn’t leave you ruined, would he, the rascal?”

With her heart bleeding at the reminder of Richard, she folded the dress in two and then in two again.

“It doesn’t matter.” She laid the dress at the bottom of the chest, its material turning gray and dull in the shadowed interior. “My place is here.”

Ruby approached her, and Hercules bumped his nose into the maid’s hand. She patted his head, then took Jane into her arms, clutching her tightly in an embrace. “Oh, lovey, I am ever so sorry. I never intended for him to jilt you like that. All I wanted was for the man who ruined you to do the right thing and to marry you.”

Jane looked back at her and pulled away. “Thorne said it was you who told him Richard was in my room.”

Ruby nodded. “I only wanted the best for you.” Her eyes watered. “You deserve happiness, love. If anyone does, it is you.”

A storm of heartbreak tore at Jane’s chest. The loss of hope for a better life she’d never have.

But she had a life here. A life where she was useful. The school. The children.

Who were going to gather for class in a few minutes, she realized when she glanced at the clock on her wall.

“I’ll be quite all right, Ruby,” she said, forcing a smile. “Because I know you won’t let me fall, will you?”

“Of course I won’t, Janie. You’re my little chick. I remember when you came here, all big, sad eyes, scrawny and polite and so, so, so lonely. I wanted to take you under my wing and shelter you against the whole world, you poor thing.”

Jane smiled and took Ruby’s hand. “I know it was thanks to you that Thorne’s men took such a liking to me.”

“They’re all good people,” said Ruby. “And you’re not so little anymore. But still, mine.”

She squeezed Ruby’s hand, her eyes tearing up. She wondered if this was what it felt like to have a mother. Ruby certainly had taken on that role for her. “I must go and start the class. Could you please pack everything into the chest and just put it away somewhere where I’d never have to see it again?”

“As you wish, dearie.”

Jane and Hercules stopped by the kitchen to pick up the sandwiches she knew the cook had already prepared. Outside, the early morning was gray and stormy as she walked with the tray of food through the backyard behind Elysium, Hercules following her. Wind picked up her skirts and played them about her legs. Rhythmic hits of a hammer against an anvil sounded from the workshop. It must be Ned, repairing horseshoes. A distant clucking sounded from the chicken coop in the corner of the yard.

As she entered the classroom, Hercules barked excitedly at the sight of the children. They greeted her enthusiastically, and as she put the tray onto the sideboard, they flew at the sandwiches like a flock of pigeons. Jane watched their satisfied, sweet faces chewing.

They were her only consolation. Nothing gave her more joy than to see them progressing in reading and writing as well as math. The school was what made her so very happy.

Alfie chewed, his face thoughtful, his red hair matted, and asked her, “Miss Grant, what happened? Yesterday, you looked like the cat that got the cream. Today, yer lookin’ all sorts of sorrowful.”

Jane pressed out a smile and made herself square her shoulders, the scratchy, rough material of her gray gown itching in a way she had never noticed before wearing fine silk against her skin.

“I’m not sad,” she said as she grabbed Hercules by his collar and gently led him to sit in the corner on his personal dog pillow. “I’m very happy to be here with you!”

“And where’s that posh man you was promised to?” asked Lily, and the rest of the children gave a combined “ooh!” “We wanna see him. Get him to come and visit, yeah?”

But he never would. He wasn’t her fiancé anymore—fake or real. The thought made her freeze. That must be what the hit of a trebuchet felt like. Striking her dumb, making her ears ring, her head spin. Why was she shocked? She knew what she was doing. A no to Richard had always been the bigger possibility. From the very beginning, they had both agreed there would be an end to it, and here it was.

“I don’t think he’d come, children,” she said, picking up the cloth to wipe the chalk.

It was hard to look into their confused eyes. Alfie and Peter sat on their desks, legs dangling. Lily dropped to her knees to pet Hercules and sneaked him a piece of her sandwich, to which Hercules responded with happy whining and wet, adoring eyes. Other children still ate their sandwiches, sitting at their desks with their textbooks open.

“Why?” asked Alfie.

“Because he’s not my fiancé anymore.”

“Why’s that, then?” asked Lily. “He wasn’t up to snuff? Did Mr. Blackmore give him a good wallopin’?”

The words were funny coming out of the sweet little girl’s mouth, but no one laughed, and Jane’s stomach sank further.

“No,” she said. “We will never fit together. I’m just being practical. He’s the brother of a duke. And I’m—”

And she was the sister of a criminal lord.

“But yer a toff’s daughter!” said Peter.

Jane hadn’t known they knew that detail. “Yes, but…” She trailed off.

“But yer also the one teaching us,” said Alfie. “You’ve been telling us we should always push for something better, ain’t ya?”

Jane nodded. “Yes, Alfie, I did, and I do believe that.”

“So why ain’t you?” Peter piped up. His dark hair was tousled, and his face was smudged with dirt. His expression, however, was earnest.

“Because…” Jane began but couldn’t quite find the right words to express the overwhelming fear and self-doubt she felt.

“That first story, that Goody Two-Shoes one,” Lily said. “The girl and her brother had nothin’ but they was brave and worked hard and got the life they wanted.”

Jane blinked back the tears welling up in her eyes. “Yes, Lily, I remember.”

“Well, ain’t this like that?” Alfie suggested.

“I see what you’re saying. It’s just that… It’s not always easy to be brave. Even when we want to be.”

Peter hopped off his desk and walked over to Jane. His big blue eyes stared into hers as he held her hands. “Miss Grant, we gotta be brave every day. Me pa’s missing ’is fingers, but ’e still works at the mill to keep us fed. He’s brave. Lily’s pa is ill, but she takes care of him and her little brothers. She’s brave.”

Alfie chimed in, “Me uncle’s a crook, and he wanted me to learn ’is craft, but I told ’im I won’t do it no more. I’m learnin’ me letters so I won’t end up swinging from the gallows.”

“You’re brave,” whispered Jane.

Jane’s tears finally overflowed, and she wiped them away with the back of her hand. She looked at the children before her—children who faced their fears and challenges every day. They were right.

The memory of Richard’s comforting presence, his gentle words, the feeling of belonging in his arms… All of it seemed distant, almost like a dream, yet so vivid and real. It was terrifying to reach for something so vastly different from what she had always known. But if these children, who faced hardships she couldn’t fathom, could fight for better lives, then she could be brave, too.

She imagined her life without Richard. There would be joy and fulfilment from the school. But at the end of the day, she’d return to her lonely room, to her lonely bed. Her life would be gray like her dresses. After she’d known what it felt like to be happy. To be thoroughly loved, to share her deepest fears and insecurities with someone and still know that she belonged…

Perhaps it was just her exhaustion from the sleepless night and from the shock of last night’s events…but she had no words to say. There were no excuses that she could think of.

Was the opinion of society more important to her than being with the love of her life?

Suddenly, with a mirrorlike clarity, she knew she couldn’t let anyone else’s opinion govern her life.

She couldn’t let Lady Whitemouth and the rest of the ton decide where she belonged and where she didn’t. There was a wonderful family with warm hearts, the Seatons, who accepted her with open arms. Dear Calliope, who felt like a kindred spirit.

Jane finally knew with complete clarity where she belonged—with the man she loved.

With Richard.

If he would still have her.

The thought filled her with such lightness she thought she would soar up into the air. Her whole body tingled, her feet not feeling the floor as she walked towards the door. Hercules raised his head and his ears and looked at her.

“Excuse me, children,” she said as she laid her hand on the door handle. “Class is dismissed for today. You’re right. I must change this. I must talk to Richard.”

As she opened the door and walked into the fresh morning air, happy cheers came from the children behind her. Hercules leapt up and followed her with questioning yaps.

“We’re going to Thorne, Hercules,” she said to him as she crossed the dry dirt ground of the yard behind Elysium.

They entered the back door and walked through the dark corridors, turning corner after corner. Finally, she reached Thorne’s study door and opened it. Inside was only Ruby, who dusted Thorne’s sideboards.

“Where’s my brother?” asked Jane.

Ruby frowned. “I thought you knew—”

“Knew what?”

“He left not twenty minutes ago, just after I last saw you.”

“Where has he gone?”

An expression of fear and guilt crossed Ruby’s face. “He’s gone to duel with your paramour.”

Jane’s heart dropped to the ground, her limbs freezing into icicles.

“Where?”

“Where all duels are fought.”

Of course. Hampstead Heath.

She turned around and broke into a run.