Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

D arren wasn’t sure which hurt more as he made his way to his study - his head, his heart, or his aching manhood. He could count it a small favor that Alayne had seemed too drunk to notice his reaction to her advances. At least, she wouldn’t feel quite so disgusted with him and with herself when she regained her senses.

He’d wanted to respond to her, almost more than he could stand, and in the end he’d fled from their shared chambers entirely rather than risk losing his self control. He’d feared that if he stayed, he’d wind up giving in to her advances, and that was something he couldn’t do. Not if he wanted to be able to face himself, or her, in the morning.

He opened the study door to find Bard, Ryan and Adrian seated around the fire. The sight of his second-in-command recalled a more important matter to his mind. Namely, Bard’s whereabouts the day before.

Ryan was the one to break the silence between them. “How’s the lass?”

“Sleeping by now, I hope.” That was all Darren was willing to say on the matter of his wife. He turned to Bard. “I need ye tae explain something tae me.”

“Aye? Whatever ye need.” Bard’s brow furrowed at his brusque tone.

“Yesterday, when me lady and I were attacked, ye werenae at MacLean Keep. I was told ye went tae the village tae mediate a matter o’ some urgency.”

“’Tis correct. A dispute over farming lands and resources. ‘Twas nae difficult, but it took some talking tae sort out.” Bard said.

“I can imagine.” Darren had mediated land disputes a few times. “What’s confusing me is that when I mentioned ye tae the maid at the tavern, she didnae ken who ye were. She said she hadnae seen ye in the town afore taenight.”

Bard’s frown deepened. “I’m nae surprised. It wasnae the keep village. ‘Twas the village two candle-mark’s ride northeast o’ MacLean Keep.”

Ryan nodded. “I was there when the lad rode in. And the stable boy told me this morning that Bard’s horse picked up a stone on the way back. The horse wasnae lamed, but his pace would have been slower than usual.”

“Aye. Two candle-marks tae the village, but more than three tae return.”

So nearly a quarter of the day had been lost in travel. And Bard wasn’t much of a bowman as far as Darren knew. “I see. That makes more sense. I was a bit confused when Shannon said she hadnae seen ye. She’s nae one tae miss a new face, nor word o’ any trouble brewing nearby.”

“Apologies fer the misunderstanding, me laird. I didnae realize I hadnae conveyed which village.” Bard dipped his head.

“’Tis fine. ’Tis nae important. I just wanted tae be sure I had understood properly.” Darren dismissed the matter. Until he had more evidence, there was no reason to suspect Bard more than he suspected anyone else in the clan.

And for all he knew, it had been an attack by bandits after all. Such things were rarer on the isle than they were across the Firth of Lorne, but sometimes a few brigands sought to escape punishment by crossing the firth. They were usually caught and dealt with fairly quickly, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t cause trouble enough before then.

Bandits, an enemy clan, or internal enemies he’d not yet identified… sooner or later he’d discover who was behind the attack, and what they wanted. Then he would take care of it.

Maybe, by the time he managed to discover the perpetrators, he’d also have found a way to handle the complicated and frustrating situation between himself and Alayne.

Alayne woke to a feeling of utter misery. Her eyes felt as if she had sand in them, her face felt sticky, and her head was absolutely throbbing. Even trying to lift it made her feel like she’d gone headfirst into a wall. Multiple times.

Even worse, she remembered every single detail of the night before, from the tavern maid to the mead, and how she’d behaved when they arrived back at MacLean Keep. She felt utterly mortified with her behavior.

That Darren hadn’t accepted her invitation, and evidently left her alone for the night and slept elsewhere, made it even worse. Bad enough to have lost her senses enough to invite him to her bed, but he hadn’t even accepted the invitation.

She felt wretched, and splashing cold water on her face did little to help. It got rid of some of the gritty feeling in her eyes and the stickiness of her face, but did nothing for the rest of her complaints. She emerged from the bedroom to see a tray of food on the table, covered and awaiting her pleasure, and discovered yet another unpleasant consequence of her drinking when her stomach rebelled.

Sick and miserable, she made her way down to the main doors, and from there to Evina’s cottage. There was no sign of Darren or any of his advisors, and she thanked whatever guardian spirit might be watching over her for the small mercy.

Evina met her at the door of the cottage, a tonic in hand. “I saw ye come in last night with Laird MacLean. I had a feeling ye’d need a remedy fer ale-head this morn.”

“’Twas nae ale. ‘Twas mead.” Alayne took the tonic and drank it gratefully, happy that her stomach seemed to settle, rather than reject it. “And if I’d kent that being drunk was such a miserable experience, I’d have taken more care tae stick tae a small beer or wine.”

“Now ye ken, and ye’ll be well able tae avoid this in the future.” Evina studied her face. “Although, I’m thinking ‘tis nae just the after-effects o’ drinking that has ye distressed.”

Alayne groaned. “It isnae. I made a fair proper fool o’ meself last night, and I dinnae even ken why.”

“Och? Mayhap if ye tell me what ye mean, I can help ye feel better about that as well.” Evina’s smile this time was a warm, inviting thing, the same smile she’d worn the day before when she explained the basics of intimacy and making love and other womanly things that Alayne had never been taught.

The memory of Evina’s quiet, non-judgmental explanations steadied Alayne, as did the sudden easing of pain as the tonic went to work. She breathed a sigh of relief, then settled in the chair by the hearth, while Evina poured them both tea. “It started at the tavern - there was a serving lass there, and she was acting familiar with Darren, and I realized he’d… he’d probably been intimate with her.”

“Och, he was never as light o’ love as his braither Marcus, but he was never a monk either. Though he’s careful with his lasses, and he makes sure there’s nae bairn from the bedsport. As far as I’ve ever heard, he’s as good a lover as ye could wish o’ a man.”

Alayne blushed. “I wouldnae ken. I only ken that it was bein’ jealous o’ her that caused me tae drink so much. Darren had tae bring me home and put me tae bed. Only, when he did, I tried tae get him tae kiss me. I wanted him tae act as me husband. I even…” She felt her blush deepen. “I even started taking off my clothes tae seduce him. As if I kent how tae dae any such thing.”

“I see. And ye regret it in the morn light?” Evina’s voice was gentle.

“Aye. But nae just because I acted a fool. Darren… he… he didnae stay with me. He just refused me and left. He didnae even come back tae our rooms.”

“Och. I think I ken the matter. Or rather, ‘tis two things that bother ye.” Evina took her hand and patted it gently. “Ye’re embarrassed at yer own behavior, but ye’re also upset that Darren didnae take ye up on the offer.”

“Aye.” Alayne ducked her head. “I dinnae even ken why I’m so angered over the second. I cannae imagine how mortified I’d feel if he had stayed, and I’d woken tae him in me bed.”

“’Tis simple enough, and both things tied tae the same reason.” Evina patted her hand again, then refilled both their cups and added a splash of soothing lavender to Alayne’s. She handed the cup over and waited until Alayne had drunk a few sips before she continued.

“I ken ye didnae like Laird Darren much when ye first arrived, or when ye wed, but whatever yer feelings were, ye’ve come tae find him an acceptable spouse since. Desirable even. And ye acted on it, which is naething tae be ashamed of.”

“Naething tae… but I…”

“Ye acted as a woman who desires her partner. Enemies ye may have been, but ye’ve clearly found some common ground. And nay matter what the history between ye, ye’re now husband and wife. Such behavior is perfectly normal and accepted in such a case. In truth, it says that ye, and yer relationship with yer husband, are healthy and developing well. That’s nae a bad thing.”

Alayne felt her shoulders slump. “But he didnae want me.”

“Ye think so? He’s never shown any sign o’ bein’ attracted tae ye?”

Alayne winced. “I gave him a massage two nights ago, and he was… aroused, it seemed. But then, when I tried to kiss him, he backed away from me. So he mustnae want me.”

“I wouldnae say that. A man’s body is usually more honest than his words, and sometimes more than his actions too.” Evina’s voice was thoughtful. “’Tis possible, however, if he kent how little ye kent about physical intimacy, that he wouldnae wish tae push ye too far, tae fast, and risk scaring ye. ‘Tis also likely that last night, he didnae wish tae take advantage o’ yer state, and possibly upset ye, or make ye feel used or something o’ the sort.”

“But I said he could kiss me.”

“Aye. But there’s some women who say one thing when they’re in their cups, and think another when they’re sober. And some relationships that have been broken by a misunderstanding when one or both partners were three sheets tae the wind, as the sailors say. Like as nae, he’d want tae avoid that with ye, especially with the way things started between ye.”

Alayne felt her stomach twist. “But, he didnae want tae marry me.”

“Did ye want tae marry him?” Evina raised an eyebrow. Alayne grimaced. Anyone who’d attended the wedding knew the answer to that. “He’s nae the sort tae take un unwilling woman tae his bed, and were it nae fer the royal edict, I doubt he’d have taken ye as an unwilling wife either. ‘Tis why he never wed Lady Stewart or Lady MacDougall either, albeit all were offered tae him in marriage and alliance contract.”

“I didnae ken that. I thought it was because they were contracted tae his brothers.”

“Contracted tae a son o’ MacLean. But they loved his younger brothers, and he didnae stand between them, although all his siblings tried tae be noble and allow him the first chance at courtin’ the lasses.” Evina snorted.

He’d mentioned something of the sort about Keegan, but she hadn’t known that he’d been offered Erin MacDougall’s hand as well, and refused it.

Evina saw her thoughts on her face, and smiled commiseratingly. “’Tis something tae think over. But for now, take a healer’s advice and get some food intae ye. Something easy like sweetened porridge. Then get yerself a bath. Ye’ll feel better, and better able tae consider how ye want tae proceed with yer husband after ye’ve eaten and freshened up.”

It sounded like good advice. Alayne rose gratefully from her seat. “Thank ye, Evina.”

“Dinnae thank me. ‘Tis what a healer is fer.”

Alayne smiled, then stepped back out into the courtyard. The mid-morning sun was shining overhead, but it no longer made her feel as if someone were grinding hot pokers into her skull. The smell of baking bread and roasting meat as she ventured around toward the kitchen doors for her food no longer turned her stomach.

A bowl of sweet porridge, mixed with fresh cream, did much to improve her mood and quiet her stomach. Once she’d finished the meal, she made her way back to her quarters, intent on getting the bath Evina had recommended, before going to seek out her husband. Now that she understood a few more things, she wanted to discuss what had happened with Darren.

Maybe he didn’t desire her as a man desired a woman, but he had argued for an amiable marriage, and there was the matter of an heir to consider.

And, if she was being completely honest with herself, now that she understood what desire was, she no longer wanted to live her life as a spinster maiden. And she could think of no one she might want to teach her the ways of love and intimacy - in the practical sense at least - than Darren MacLean, her no-longer-despised husband.

She opened the door, so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice the humid air that wafted out through the opening, or the faint scent of pine soap filling the air.

In fact, it wasn’t until she heard her name softly spoken that she came back to herself and realized two things. One, the rooms weren’t empty.

Two, Darren was there, sitting in a bathing tub, completely naked and without a cloth or a bubble to be seen for modesty.

Her first impulse was to tear her eyes away and turn around, perhaps even flee the room. Her second was to step closer, her mind alight with curiosity. She’d never seen a man naked before, and she’d deliberately avoided seeing Darren unclothed. Now, she could see him quite well, from the well muscled and tattooed shoulders to the lean, strong thighs - and his manhood, which seemed to be changing shape and size even as she watched.

Then there was the part of her that wondered how he would respond if she undressed and stepped into the bath with him. It was an absurd idea, and the tub clearly wasn’t large enough for the two of them, but she thought it nonetheless.

Darren stared at her, without saying a word, and that made the whole situation even more difficult. Alayne had no idea what to do, or say. All she could do was stand there, staring, her cheeks burning with embarrassment and a single thought running through her mind.

What am I supposed tae dae in a situation like this?