Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

D arren swore inside his head when he saw Alayne’s eyes widen as they fastened on his erection. He’d hoped to avoid startling her with his arousal.

He hadn’t meant to react that way to her touch. He’d even been somewhat relieved when she’d insisted he leave his shirt on. The barrier of cloth had served as a form of protection against the possibility of being overly stimulated.

Then she’d started massaging the nape of his neck. Her hands were warm, gentle but firm as she worked the tense muscles loose and helped him relax. Her fingers traced lines across his skin and he couldn’t help the way the warmth seemed to go straight to his groin.

He’d felt his arousal growing against the bedding with every stroke of her fingers, as if she was caressing him like a lover, rather than as a simple kindness. His treacherous mind and body had supplied images of her hands touching him in other places, and that only heightened his desire.

He’d tried to focus on the feel of the knots loosening and relaxing. He’d tried to focus on keeping his breathing even and his body still. He’d even tried thinking of things he generally avoided considering, in an effort to stem the burgeoning erection.

It hadn’t worked, and now she was staring at him, no doubt about to run away in disgust. Or slap him for his temerity.

A long moment of silence passed. Then Alayne gulped. “What… what happened tae ye?” Her eyes were round, her expression caught between curiosity, uncertainty and fear.

Darren took a moment to consider her question. “Ye’ve never… has nae one told ye what happens between a man and a woman?” He’d known from their earlier misadventure that she was uninformed in the matter of intimacy. But surely she knew about how different bodies worked.

“I ken there’s supposed tae be…” She flushed a deep crimson. “That is… I ken about intimacy…”

“But ye ken how tae recognize when a man’s interested in having an intimate encounter with ye?”

“I… I dinnae… I mean…” The way she struggled with the words told him all he needed to know.

“Ye’ve never had anyone explain these things tae ye?”

“I… well, I’ve never had a maither or sister tae explain things. The healer gave me instructions on what tae dae when I began tae experience me moon cycles, but she didnae tell me much more than that.” Alayne looked away. “The first time I ever heard anything more was when I heard Lyla talking tae her husband…” The flush deepened so fiercely that Darren wondered if she was going to faint from the force of it.

“So ye dinnae ken anything?”

“I… cannae say.”

Darren groaned as the hesitant words confirmed his suspicions. She wasn’t just a virgin, she was a virgin with the understanding of a child. No wonder she’d been so terrified that night.

He sighed and sat down on the bed, keeping his distance from her. “There’s ways o’ telling if a man or a woman is interested in ye as a partner, as well as ways tae tell that ye’re experiencing desire fer someone. I cannae speak tae how a woman kens such things about her own desires, but I can tell ye what it feels like from a man’s side.”

He indicated his groin. The erection was slowly subsiding, but the bulge under his kilt was still very evident. “When a man is interested in intimacy, his manhood responds tae that interest by growing harder, and stiffening. ‘Tis called an erection, or arousal. ‘Tis normal fer a man tae experience such things with an attractive woman.”

She hadn’t tried to escape the room yet, so he continued. “There are many reasons fer a man tae become aroused. Fer me, ‘twas the way ye were touching me. It felt pleasant, and I was enjoying it. I liked the feel o’ yer hands when ye were massaging me.”

“But ye didnae want tae roll over.”

“I didnae want tae give ye a wrong impression, or upset ye. Ye’ve said afore ye’d nae interest in being bedded by me, and I didnae want ye tae think I was trying tae test ye, or demand something from ye.” He’d never considered that she might not even understand what arousal meant.

“But ye were responding tae me. And it was…this is a good response?” She blinked at him.

“’Tis. It means I want tae sleep with ye. Tae bed ye.”

“But I… I dinnae ken…how would I ken how tae reciprocate? Ye ken I dinnae ken aught o’ lovemaking.”

“I ken. But there’s many ways o’ experiencing pleasure and giving it. Every man and woman is different, so it would be something o’ an experience between us. In the normal way o’ such activities, I would show ye things, and ye’d tell me if ye enjoyed them or didnae enjoy them. When ye kent more, I’d ask ye tae dae things fer me, and show ye what I enjoyed or didnae like.”

“But, ye’re so much more experienced. Why ye want tae be with me when I’m as clueless as a child?”

“Every coupling is unique. Every pair o’ lovers starts at the beginning with learning about each other.”

“Oh.” She appeared to consider that. “But how dae ye ken… I dinnae ken what desire feels like.”

“’Tis a wish tae be closer, physically. Tae touch, or tae kiss. I’ve heard women say it makes them feel warm, like bein’ in front o’ a fire. Yer heart beats faster, and ye tend tae notice more.” He hesitated. “Fer men, arousal is the main thing. Fer women, I’ve been told it makes their breasts feel sensitive, and their nether regions feel like they’re tingling, and ye’ll become wet down there.” He gestured vaguely in the direction of her hips. “Ye want tae touch, and be touched.”

“And if… if both man and woman want that… with each other… what happens?”

“Ye touch. Ye kiss. Ye enjoy each other. And when and if ye’re ready, ye make love. Again, there’s a number o’ ways o’ doing so.” Darren gave her a wry smile. “Lyla and Daemon enjoy one way. They like tae take risks, and explore ideas that Lyla finds in books, like bindings and other situations. ‘Tis nae the sort o’ thing I’m interested in, if ye’re concerned about that.”

“And what… what dae ye like?”

“Making sure me partner enjoys herself. Taking me time tae learn a woman’s body and make it sing fer me.” He’d had enough partners to know that he enjoyed a variety of styles of lovemaking, but he preferred honest interactions, with full and willing participation on both sides.

Alayne appeared to be mulling over his words. “How dae ye learn what ye like?”

“Experience.” That was the only answer he could give her. He could see she had more questions, but he honestly wasn’t sure how to answer them. He was no woman, to understand how their bodies worked. He himself had learned the basic ideas of intimacy from stories among the guards, and taken his first steps with a willing maid who’d known far more than he had.

‘A virgin bride is a valuable lass. A virgin groom is a hopeless lad, or one who isnae a proper man.’ That had been all his father had said on the subject when he’d discovered Darren was bedding a servant. Well, that and a terse warning that if he sired a bastard, he was responsible for it.

Alayne was still watching him with wide eyes. “And ye… ye’ll teach me?”

Darren felt like he’d been punched in the gut. A part of him wanted very much to teach her everything he knew about bedsport and making love. Another part of him felt his gut twisting in knots, unsure if he could do such a thing, when he knew she’d never wanted to be wed to him.

He was still trying to sort out his thoughts when Alayne moved closer to him.

Heat, a racing heart, a desire to kiss or to touch - Alayne knew those feelings. She’d felt them earlier that day, out on the plateau, standing in Darren’s arms. She felt them now, along with a faint tingling in her chest and her core.

Did that mean she was feeling desire? That she desired Darren? She wasn’t sure. Her father kept her so sheltered, she felt as if she’d been living in another world. But then, he’d said that all couples had to learn such things together, and he was her husband. Who else would she explore such sensations with?

And his response… did that mean he desired her too? That was what he was saying, what his words and the prominent bulge under his kilt seemed to imply.

She’d never considered such things. She’d never wanted to consider them before now. She’d never even experienced much curiosity about a man’s body. But now she did wonder what he looked like underneath his clothing.

He had strong muscles, that much she knew. Without thinking, she reached out to run a hand over his shoulder, feeling the lines of his arm. The skin underneath wasn’t completely smooth. There were small ridges that she thought might be scars.

Where had he gotten those scars? Were they all covered with tattoos, like the ones visible on his face? She was suddenly full of questions she’d never considered before.

What did they feel like? Were they sensitive? She didn’t really have any scars, so she had no idea. She had a sudden impulse to see how he would react if she traced them.

Without thinking, she found herself scooting closer, wondering - what did that bulge under his kilt feel like? She started to reach toward it, then froze, suddenly uncertain. She didn’t know what to do.

“Dinnae worry, ye dinnae need tae dae anything that ye dinnae feel comfortable with.” Darren’s hand moved to cover hers. “It will subside with time.”

He was so close, her face was so near that she could feel the breath from his mouth, smell the meat and mead he’d had for supper. She could kiss him, and she could do it without the haze of shock and fading fears influencing her. She wanted that.

She started to lean forward. Darren tensed, then suddenly, he was pulling away, slipping off the bed and out of her reach. She blinked, startled by his actions. “What are ye…?”

“’Tis late. I’m going tae sleep in the other room.”

Hurt and confusion speared through her, a twisting morass of emotions she couldn’t find any way to decipher. “But… ye…”

“Dinnae worry about it. I can manage. And me back feels much better, thanks tae ye. I’m sure I’ll sleep well.” His smile was tight, but gentle. “Thank ye fer yer kindness.”

He slipped out the door before she could respond. Alayne swallowed a feeling of bitter disappointment, her hand falling to her side. She felt confused and hurt, uncertain what to make of Darren’s reactions to her.

He’d said his body indicated desire, and yet, his actions suggested something else. Why?

He said a man’s body will react tae many things. Mayhap he felt something fer the massage, or it brought back memories o’ someone else he’s truly attracted tae.

Is it me looks, or something else about me that he doesnae care fer? I wish I kent. Then… mayhap… mayhap he would want me…

She was still thinking about that, and fighting back tears of sorrow and hurt when sleep finally claimed her.