Chapter 9

The instant the question emerged, Daemon wished he could take it back. At the same time, he found himself waiting for her response. As much as he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer, he had to admit the question had been on his mind since their confrontation that morning.

Lyla cocked her head at him. "Dae ye nae understand the difference?"

"Clearly nae, or I wouldnae have asked ye tae explain." He kept his voice quiet, ignoring both the low ache that lingered in his groin and the dart of irritation that sparked at her question.

"Coping – coping is tae feel sad, but tae find ways tae bring yer joy back. Punishing yerself is when ye let grief take over ye and throw shadows on everything ye dae." Lyla's hands shifted as she lowered the book to her lap. "Losing Rowan was nae easier fer me than it was fer ye. She was me sister, and I loved her, even if it was different from what ye had with her."

"That much I understand." He nodded for her to continue.

"But I ken Rowan would want me tae live me life, and so I dae Sometimes, I'll see something that reminds me o' her, and me heart aches, but I remind meself that there are good memories with the sad, and I go on. I try tae enjoy every day, and live life as if taemorrow willnae come, because ‘tis what me sister would wish o' me."

She leaned forward, as if she would have touched his hand had she been able to reach it. "That's nae what ye're doing. Ye live yer life as if it stopped entirely the day ye lost yer wife. Ye breathe and ye eat and ye dae yer duty, but how often dae ye permit yerself joy, or leisure?"

"Nae often." He said the words reluctantly, but she deserved that much from him.

"And how often dae ye smile and laugh, as ye did taeday during the game we played?"

"'Tis a rare day that I'm so lighthearted." Daemon admitted.

"And that is what I mean. Ye live as if life and joy stopped, or as if ye're waiting fer her tae return afore ye can let yerself find happiness. But…" Her voice cracked slightly, but it was steady when she continued. "Rowan isnae coming back."

"I ken that." He heard the harsh note of his voice, and tried to gentle it. "But what's yer point? That I should be happy, even though me wife is gone? That I should forget the woman I was married tae?"

"Nae. Nae at all. But I'm saying ye should accept the loss and find a way tae move forward. Loss is a part o' life. ‘Tis true fer everything from flowers tae kinfolk and mourning on it forever will only darken yer days, nae bring back what's gone."

The words were gentle. More than that, they felt right. He was reminded of the way Rowan had gathered flowers from the garden. She would admire them and care for them with great attention while the blooms thrived. Once the flowers were dead, however, she would quietly clear them away, with a slight air of melancholy, then bring more. When winter swept the garden bare, she'd always looked forward to the blooms of spring.

Even so, a flower was one thing. Love was another. "'Tis difficult."

"Aye. ‘Tis. But better tae try than tae go on as ye are." This time she did reach across to touch his hand, before drawing back and looking into his eyes once more. "I've nae seen much o' ye since Rowan passed, but I exchange letters with Alyn, and I saw ye at me sister's wedding. ‘Tis enough fer me tae ken that ye've nae tried to move on and recover joy in yer life. Ye've simply wallowed in yer grief and let it swallow ye whole."

"I cannae just forget her."

"Nae. But ye dinnae have tae push everyone else away. Nor act as if there will never be another love, or another who can bring light tae yer life." She raised an eyebrow at him.

He had been pushing people away, and the reminder of how coldly he'd treated her at Erin's wedding made him flush with a dull sense of shame. He hadn't behaved well at all, too absorbed in his bleak thoughts to even behave with courtesy. "I think I understand what ye're saying, but... it isnae easy."

"Few things worth doing are, so far as I've ever seen. ‘Tis the effort that makes the result mean something."

It was Daemon's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Ye've hidden depths tae ye, Lyla. And unexpected wisdom, it seems."

"I ken." She shrugged and smiled at him with a glint of humor in her face. "'Tis best if people dinnae expect much, fer then ye're able tae give them a pleasant surprise later when ye exceed their expectations."

"I'll be sure tae keep it in mind."

"Thank ye." She blushed suddenly. "And thank ye fer trying tae answer me questions, instead o' laughing at me or scolding me and sending me away."

"Ye deserved the best answer I could give ye." He found himself reaching out to take her hand in turn. "And whatever ye may be concerned with, I hope ye ken that ye're a wonderful lass, and someday, ye'll make yer husband a very happy man."

She smirked at him, mischief mingling with appreciation in her eyes. "And how would ye ken that? Ye've scarcely spoken tae me since I arrived, save that first night and now."

"Aye. But that's because I'm a fool trying tae hide from the world, as ye said. ‘Tis nae because o' any fault o' yers." Daemon squeezed Lyla's hand gently before withdrawing. "Ye're a good lass, and a fine lady, and I'm glad tae have had this time with ye taenight."

Lyla flushed again and looked away. Then something caught her eye, and she stood, moving toward the window. Daemon rose and moved with her. "What is it?"

"The rain has stopped. I can see the stars in the sky. That means the weather is clearing, and I'll soon be on me way home. I might even have tae leave in the morning, if the ground is dry enough."

Daemon was startled by the pang that went through him. He swallowed back the sting of it. "Aye. I imagine ye're ready tae be home, after being away so long."

"I wouldnae mind seeing me own bed again." She agreed. Daemon grimaced, glad she couldn't see his reaction to the word ‘bed' from her lips. It conjured thoughts he was better off not thinking of, and sensations that he hadn't felt for a long time. The tightness in his loins was nothing he needed to be feeling when faced with Rowan's younger sister.

He swallowed again and willed his body to obey him as he spoke. "Ye'll likely want tae get some rest if there's a chance ye're going tae be traveling taemorrow. Ye should get tae back tae yer rooms tae get what sleep ye can."

He cracked a small smile as she turned. "Ye can take the book with ye, tae bed and when ye leave, if ye like. Then when ye've finished, ye can tell me what ye thought o' it. Especially those scenes ye had questions about."

Lyla ducked her head, then turned and snatched the book off the small table, her cheeks rosy in the light of her lantern. "Ye're right that I should be getting back tae my rest, so I'll bid ye good night."

"Good night, Lyla."

There was a moment of hesitation, then her voice came back, soft and shy. "Good night, Daemon."

Daemon watched her leave the library, then poured himself another glass of whisky, hoping it would dull the entirely inappropriate desires that filled his mind in her absence.

* * *

Lyla lifted her head to look at the clear blue sky above, ignoring the noises as her maid and guards prepared to get back on the road toward home. She was glad to see the weather had improved. Even so, she felt slightly melancholy, to be leaving MacMillan Keep and her friends there. Including Daemon, somewhat to her surprise. The conversation from the night before lingered in her mind, and she found herself wishing she had more time to see if they could have more such discussions.

Though she had to admit, she wasn't inclined to ask him any more about physical relationships between men and women. Between what he'd said the night before and what she'd read, she had far too much to think about on that front already – and she still had the book, wrapped in a towel and hidden deeply in her saddlebags.

Arms around her shoulders jolted her from her thoughts as Alyn wrapped her in a fierce embrace. "Lyla! Dae ye have tae leave? I wanted tae show ye the new plants in the garden, and go down tae wade in the water like we used tae."

Lyla smiled as she hugged her friend back. "I ken. But I've already been away from home fer some months. I'm sure there's a whole scroll o' tasks I'll need tae catch up on. And o' course, I need tae take care of the preparations fer summer and autumn harvesting. Like as nae, I'll need tae be helping the healer in the stillroom as well."

Alyn drew away with a pout. "I ken. But ‘tis difficult, being the only lass here, in a castle full o' menfolk." She sent a mock-glare at Ryan and Daemon, who had joined them. "'Tis all right tae spend a day every now and again with the cooks and the maids, but they've their own work, and ‘tis dull without a companion."

"I'm sure I'm about tae become well acquainted with the feeling, while Erin is at MacLean with her husband. But she'll be back within the month or so. And ye ken ye're always welcome tae visit me, whether Erin is there or nae." Lyla smiled. "If I didnae ken how much work was waiting fer me, I'd ask if ye wanted tae come with me now."

Alyn sighed. "And I'd take ye up on it, but ye're right that there's work tae be done, and I've me own tasks tae be about, much as I enjoyed the respite."

"We'll find a time fer ye tae visit. Mayhap after harvest, if there's nae more unpleasantness from Ranald Clan." Lyla bit her lip. She hoped the feud between MacLean and Ranald could be settled quickly, though she feared that wasn't likely to be the case.

She looked around. "Speaking o' making time... where's Cai? I would have thought he'd come tae see us off, fer propriety if naething else?" She'd become fond of Daemon's second-in-command, with his solemn nature and dry humor.

Daemon shrugged his shoulders. "A guard came fer him, and he went with them. I suppose something must have happened." He stepped forward to embrace her. "He wouldnae miss seeing ye off if it wasnae urgent."

"I ken." She smiled into his eyes as Daemon stepped back. "Be well, Daemon, and remember what I said tae ye."

"I will." He nodded, then stepped back so Ryan could give her a quick hug as well. Then Alyn embraced her again, before stepping back to let Lyla mount her horse.

She was about to set her foot in the stirrup when Cai came racing from the stables. "Wait!" One hand was clenched around a message tube, bearing the seal of her clan. Lyla felt her heart begin to beat faster as Cai hurried to her side and pressed the message into her hand. "The courier just arrived, and he looks as though he's been riding hard, lass. He said the message was from Laird MacDougall, and urgent, and bade me nae tae let ye leave afore reading it."

Lyla nodded and broke the wax seal with hands that shook slightly. She couldn't imagine what her father might deem important enough to send by an urgent courier, but she doubted it was good news.

Her stomach lurched as she read the missive, her heart sinking as trepidation filled her.

Nae... nae this…

"What is it?" Daemon's voice, unusually gentle, broke her out of her thoughts. She looked up at him.

"Clan Ranald has attacked MacLean Keep in force. Me faither is riding tae aid Laird MacLean and asks ye tae dae the same."