Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

E verything the duke planned came to fruition swimmingly.

Alicia stood in her bedroom for the last time at Egerton Manor, a light green gown falling from her shoulders. In the early morning, sunlight shone through the windows and scattered across the floor.

“You are so quiet,” Patience Caney, the Dowager Marchioness of Egerton and lady of the house, said as she pinned Alicia’s brunette curls. “I couldn’t stop talking on my wedding day.”

Penelope, who promised to help but resorted instead to lying across Alicia’s wide bed, rolled over until she faced them. “Luckily, Alicia isn’t like you, mother,” she teased. “I don’t know how much of her voice I could handle.”

“You won’t be saying that so confidently once she leaves,” Lady Egerton said with a smirk.

“Yes, I will!” Penelope snapped, finally sitting up. “This is the biggest room in the house!”

Alicia shot a look at her. “You will not be taking my room, Penny.”

“You’re not the lady of this house,” her little sister mumbled, playing with the ribbons lacing her dress.

Lady Egerton ignored her younger daughter's whine and turned until she stood directly in front of Alicia, blocking out her reflection in the tall mirror. Taking her hands, Lady Egerton gave Alicia a sad smile. “Tell me,” she said, “what makes you so sad on this day?”

Alicia lowered her gaze. “It is nothing, Mama.”

“Soon,” her mother said, “you will live in a manor with no one you recognize.”

Alicia felt her heart drop to her stomach.

“Take these moments while you are still here to talk to us,” Lady Egerton pleaded. “If you feel despair, let me take it off your shoulders. If it is joy, but you are wary of expressing it, be calm, my daughter, and let yourself be happy.”

“It isn’t important,” she muttered.

Lady Egerton sighed. “It is your wedding day, Alicia.”

“I know ,” Alicia replied, her voice harsher than anticipated. “I woke up with the euphoria every young woman wakes up with on her wedding day. I dreamt of a church filled with loved ones, flowers decorating the pews and falling from the high ceilings. It felt so real. I awakened with so much joy within me that I thought I might implode.”

Penelope stuck her tongue out.

“Then you are happy,” Lady Egerton said with relief.

Alicia gently pulled her hands away from her mother’s comforting grasp. “No, Mother,” she whispered. “I feel as though I might be sinking.”

“Sinking?”

“I woke up this morning,” Alicia continued, a lump buried deep in her throat, “and could not stop smiling at the idea of father walking me down the aisle.”

A silence overtook them. The bed creaked as Penelope sat up, the playful glint extinguished from her large eyes.

Lady Egerton stepped back as she struggled to keep a smile on her face. “Alicia?—”

“I do not say this to make you sad, Mother,” Alicia interrupted.

“I know, my dear.”

“I will never know the pain that rests on your shoulders,” she continued. “I cannot imagine it, and I do not wish it upon any other wife in all the world.” Alicia lowered her gaze. “I just?—”

“You are allowed to miss your father, Alicia,” Lady Egerton said.

Alicia lowered her head, trying to stop the tears from ruining everything they had already done to make her presentable.

With tears brewing in her eyes, Lady Egerton lifted her daughter’s face by the chin. “I know how disappointed you are,” she quietly said. “You lived your childhood with the idea of romance and falling in love with a man who could only proclaim undying love for you.” Lady Egerton pressed her lips together. “Perhaps that was our fault,” she whispered. “Giving you the unrealistic expectation that every marriage would be like ours.”

“Why can’t it be?”

“Love cannot be forced, Alicia,” her mother said. “It must be earned, it must be fought for, it must be a devotion. Love does not happen on the flip of a coin.”

Penelope stood from the bed. “Was that not how you and father met?” She twisted her hands nervously together. “Love at first sight.”

Lady Egerton laughed as tears slipped down her cheeks. “No, my dear,” she wistfully replied. “It was not like that.”

“Your father was a gentlemen, who was like all the other bachelors in London,” Lady Egerton began. “He needed to find a wife to secure and better his financial standing. And unlike you children, he did not grow up with the idea that falling in love would secure a marriage. There was only progress, and he intended to follow through with it.”

“This doesn’t sound like a hopeful story,” Penelope whined.

Lady Egerton shook her head at her with a light chuckle. “Sometimes, all it takes is the first meeting to change an entire person’s outlook on things.”

Alicia frowned, trying to hide her own disappointment with her future husband.

“But I do not speak for all,” Lady Egerton said at the sight of Alicia’s face. “Your father courted me, and with each new day I saw him, I grew more and more infatuated with him.” She reached, grasping Alicia’s hand. “All it takes is time, my dear. You must be patient.”

Alicia squeezed her mother’s hands. “But you did fall in love?”

“Yes, Alicia,” Lady Egerton replied. “We did.”

Despite her mother being inches shorter than her, Alicia dipped down and wrapped Lady Egerton in a tight embrace. They shared tears, and as Penelope found her way into their embrace, they cried together. “That is all that weighs you down, Alicia?” Lady Egerton said once they’d dried their cheeks.

With a tight smile, Alicia nodded. The weight of the uneasy future rested upon her mother’s shoulders; she would not include the fear of her loveless marriage. On that morning, there was no way for her to trust a future with the duke, but that was a thought she would keep buried.

Just hours later, Alicia stood at the beginning of a church aisle. It was the smallest in London, with short pews and a humble altar. Each side had no more than five guests, all standing and looking toward the bride. Alicia met the gaze of the youngest on the duke’s side, a pretty girl with the same head of wild, dark hair as his. She could only assume that it was the duke’s only sibling, Lucy. The girl gave her a quick smile. Alicia held a bouquet tightly at her stomach, her fingertips almost pierced by minuscule thorns.

Within the attendees, Lady Egerton mouthed to her, “Walk now.”

Alicia straightened and began to walk down the aisle. At the head, in front of the vicar overseeing the ceremony, was the duke, dressed in the dark garments he always wore. He held his arms behind his back, staring stiffly in her direction.

His furrowed brow and ever-growing frown as Alicia got closer and closer fueled the dread that swarmed to her chest. She wanted nothing more than to run, to escape the church and go back to Lady Tollock’s ball. But the responsibility kept her there, the ever-present gaze of her family that expected her to follow through.

He is angry, Alicia thought to herself as she stood beside the duke. I cannot blame him.

As the vicar opened his book and began to recite the well-known words spoken at a wedding ceremony, Alicia allowed the flowers to prick her finger, bringing her back to the moment where she stood.

The vicar addressed the duke, droning on without a smile till it would be the groom’s turn to speak.

Alicia tried to glance at the duke as he spoke, but he remained still and stoic, staring forward.

“I do,” he said.

The vicar turned to Alicia, repeating the vow.

Alicia swallowed. “I do.”

When it came time for the ring, the duke and Alicia faced one another. The vicar read from his book of prayer as he took Alicia’s hand, a simple gold band in between his fingers. As he slipped the ring into her left hand, their gazes met, and Alicia felt her chest heave. The responsibility that brought her there felt distant now, almost nonexistent.

The pair knelt to finish the ceremony. She fought back the urge to grip her stomach, as the tension in the air seemed to pull everything out of her lungs. Alicia struggled to calmly breathe as the vicar began to close the ceremony with a prayer. She turned slightly, once more trying to catch a glimpse of the elusive duke.

He turned at the same moment, and to her surprise, their eyes met once more.

Quickly, the duke snapped his head back forward, the cold stare returning to his gaze as he watched the vicar. Alicia turned and quieted her gasp.

And as quickly as it began, the wedding ceremony was concluded. A carriage awaited them outside the chapel, Alicia’s few bags already stacked in the back. The duke uttered no words afterwards, only standing beside the carriage till she was ready to depart.

Alicia grasped her mother’s hands, standing at the threshold of the church. “I will visit the first moment I can,” she promised.

Owen laughed from her right, a smirk on his lips. “Try not to.”

“Brother.”

“You’ve got the man, Ali,” he said, lifting his shoulders in a shrug. “Now’s the time to keep him and make the heirs that will solidify the union.”

Alicia felt the redness rush to her cheeks.

Lady Egerton shot a glare at her eldest son. “Now,” she said, giving him a stern look, “it’ll be Owen’s turn.”

He flushed. “That–that’s not what I meant, Mother.”

“I know, but it made the point,” she said, pinching him on the elbow. “Leave your sister be, Owen.”

Lady Egerton took Alicia’s arm and moved them a few steps down the stairs from the church for a private word. “Your marriage has only just begun,” she began, deep thoughtfulness filling her soft eyes, “but I feel as though the stress of it weighs heavy in your gaze.”

“How is it supposed to feel?”

“As if you are stepping back into your home,” she whispered. “Not leaving it.”

Alicia crept closer to her mother, leaning to speak in a hushed voice. “I’m afraid I haven’t felt it yet, Mother.”

“Give it time. It rarely comes right away.”

“But you and father?—”

Lady Egerton laughed lightly. “Were lucky,” she said. “My dear, things happen that we can only simply accept. Your father and I managed to use that to our advantage. It is up to you to make this into something that will feel like coming home.”

“But,” she said again, a fear creeping up her throat, “what if I cannot, Mother? What if that is not meant for me?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

She looked down at her feet, noticing the duke in the corner of her vision. “Love does not reach all the families in London, Mama,” she said. “I am not naive. I do not want to spend my married life as an ignorant woman waiting for something else to begin.”

“My dear,” Lady Egerton said, “wishing for love does not make you an ignorant woman.”

“If it is not meant for me,” she said again, “when will I know to stop searching for it?”

“When you stop searching,” her mother said, her face twisting into something stern, “is when you become the ignorant woman. There is no need to remove happiness from your life, Alicia. The moment you decide that is the moment you will fall into the despair other women are forced to live with.”

Alicia grabbed onto her mother’s hand, a rush of dread filling her suddenly. “Will you be all right?” she asked, feeling as though she were in a hurry now. “With Penelope and?—”

“Do not worry of my household, Alicia,” she sternly replied. “Soon enough, you’ll have your own estate to run.”

Before Alicia could explode with questions about running a household, Lady Egerton engulfed her in a warm hug. Behind them, Alicia’s younger sister sat on the church steps, her dress ruffled and wrinkled. For the first time in ages, the hounds that normally followed her were left at home. Penelope buried her face in a book about wild dogs, as though it helped her believe they were alongside her still.

“Penny, might I have one last look at you?” Alicia asked, tapping the cover of her book. “Outside of a book?”

With an eyeroll, Penelope snapped her literature shut, standing lazily. “Why do you all act as if you are leaving the country?” she shrugged. “London is London.”

Alicia raised her eyebrows. “Why, yes,” she teased. “London is London, but I won’t be staying at his townhouse, Penny. But if you think you’ll miss me that badly, I’ll just keep my room at Egerton Manor!”

“ Alicia !” Penelope whined.

“Come here, Penny,” Alicia laughed, pulling her sister into a tight embrace. “I pray you won’t miss me too much.”

Wiggling out of her hug, Penelope stuck her tongue out. “You wish,” she muttered, but wrapped her arms around herself, chewing on her bottom lip.

Alicia hugged Owen last, feeling an unspoken heaviness between the two of them.

“I hope you are proud of me, brother,” Alicia whispered in his ear. “As proud as you can let yourself be.”

Owen did not respond, but instead squeezed her closer to him, inhaling deeply before he released her, coughed and turned away.

The carriage waited for her at the base of the church, her new husband extending a hand to help her inside. The duke’s hand was cold and coarse against her as he pulled her into a new life.

As she sat, she heard her mother’s voice in the back of her head.

There is no need to remove happiness from your life, Alicia. The moment you decide that is the moment you will fall into the despair other women are forced to live with.

Once the duke climbed into the carriage across from her and the horses began to walk down the cobblestone streets, Alicia gazed out the window and watched her family disappear around the corner.

If there was one thing she would do, it would be to make the most out of where she ended up now. It did not have to be the end, as long as Alicia allowed it. The hope that sparked within her chest was dim, but she would help it burn brighter.