Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

O n the bumpy ride back to London, Alicia could only remember the day of her wedding, and the journey to Garvey in the same carriage. Despite the tension between them, there was a sort of comfort on that day — one that she wished to feel now.

“Don’t cry, Your Grace,” Juliet cooed from across the carriage. She reached out, taking a gentle grasp of Alicia’s hand. “We will be there soon enough.”

Alicia wiped a stray tear that dripped down her cheek. “I seem unable to stop shedding tears, Juliet.”

“I know, Your Grace, it is expected when your mother has taken a fall.”

“I might feel more at ease if my brother hadn’t been so vague in his letter,” she muttered, still clutching the letter in a tight fist. “Or if…”

“If the duke was here?” the lady’s maid finished with a soft smile.

Alicia sighed. “Yes, Juliet, if the duke was here.”

“There is still time to spare, Your Grace, if you wished to turn around.”

“Heavens, no,” Alicia said.

“But—”

“My comfort is nowhere near important in this case!” she snapped, sounding harsher than she intended to. Alicia felt herself sink further into her seat.

Juliet remained unscathed. “Might I say something, Your Grace?”

“Of course.”

“I do not think you have given yourself any semblance of comfort since arriving at Garvey.”

Alicia met the girl’s gaze. “What do you mean?”

“Everything you do is for someone else, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

“The meetings with Ms. Crawford are to fulfill the duties given to you,” Juliet explained. “The time you have spent with Lady Lucy has been for the girl’s betterment. Even the moments that have left you in a screaming match with the duke have all been for him.”

Alicia pressed her lips together silently.

“Perhaps it is time for you to give yourself the grace to be happy.”

“Now isn’t the best time for that, Juliet,” Alicia said with a sad smile. “Though I appreciate your words.”

“Why not now?”

“We are on the way to my injured mother,” she said exasperatedly.

Juliet shrugged. “But we can turn back for the duke. Why shouldn’t he be here to support you?”

“Support me?” Alicia said with a humorless laugh. “We had one good evening, Juliet.”

The maid leaned forward eagerly. “You were lit up, Your Grace. One good evening looked like a thousand bountiful lifetimes when you woke up this morning. Why must you deny the good that has happened to you?”

“I cannot lift up my hopes.”

“Why not?”

“Juliet—”

“Please, Your Grace,” Juliet pleaded. “Why can’t you see the blessing that has befallen you?”

“Because he has hurt me before!”

A heavy silence fell between them. Alicia listened to their heavy breathing at the tension, staring at the crumbled up paper in her hands. The tears slipped down her cheeks quicker this time. As the carriage rocked, Juliet jumped over to the side where Alicia sat, scooting till she sat close beside her. Juliet stretched a thin arm around Alicia’s shoulders, tightly holding her in a warm embrace.

“You have no idea how happy I wish to be, Juliet,” Alicia whispered, her voice shaking as the cries left her lips. “The moment the duke touched me, I felt as though everything I had wished for had finally come true. That there was a real chance I could be happy with my life at Garvey.”

“So what changed?”

Alicia raised a hand to cover her lips as she cried. “And then my mother had a fall, and it seemed as though a terrible omen was being presented to me in my moment of bliss.”

“Oh,” Juliet breathed as she tightened her hold, “you know those things cannot be connected, Your Grace.”

“Can’t they? What do we know of fate and how it strikes?”

“Nothing, Your Grace, for it is not our place to know.”

Alicia allowed herself to sink into the maid’s grasp, not feeling the energy to argue.

“You cannot be afraid of finally being happy, Your Grace.”

A silence spread between them. Alicia tried to stifle her tears, but could only feel tormented rage within her as the carriage continued on.

“Plaisir d'amour ne dure qu'un moment,” Juliet suddenly whispered into the quiet. “Chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie.”

Alicia raised her head, looking over at her. “You can speak French?”

“It is my homeland, Your Grace, of course I can speak her language.”

“What did that mean?”

“Something my mother used to say. ‘The pleasure of love lasts only a moment’,” Juliet recited. “‘The pain of love lasts a lifetime’.”

Alicia chuckled. “Quite the optimist.”

“You make fun, but it is optimistic, Your Grace.”

“How?”

“No love is always kind, Your Grace,” Juliet said. “It is not meant to be. How can you truly know someone without seeing the shadows of their soul? The darkest parts that they choose to hide? Truly falling in love means seeing everything, and choosing to still love them.”

Alicia looked away.

“Your Grace,” Juliet whispered, pulling her over to meet her gaze. “I know the duke has hurt you with his words. I know he also wielded them as a shield against the demons in his own heart. You understand that, don’t you?”

“Yes,” she breathed. “I do.”

“Then do not lose this. Don’t lose this when you have every chance to be happy.”

Alicia reached for the maid’s small hands, grasping them tightly in her own. “Tell me, Juliet,” she said with a smile, “how you became the wisest lady’s maid in all of England?”

Juliet giggled shyly. “You’ll make me blush, Your Grace.”

Alicia squeezed the girl into a hug before pulling away, wiping the wet tears that still strayed down her cheeks. “You’re just a little problem solver,” she teased.

“Well,” Juliet continued, lifting her chin pridefully, “give me another one of your problems, then!”

Alicia laughed. “I can’t think of anything other than seeing my mother, Juliet.”

The girl glanced around hurriedly till she snapped, pointing a finger at the wrinkled paper in Alicia’s lap. “How about that, Your Grace?”

“What?” she asked, lifting the letter. “My brother’s letter?”

“You said your brother was vague in his letter, right?”

“Yes.”

Juliet shrugged. “Let me see if I might deduce some more information out of it, something you might not have seen!”

“How on earth would you be able to do that?”

“Wouldn’t it help for another pair of eyes to take a look over it? To get the full picture?”

Alicia eyed her skeptically. “I suppose.”

“If I overstep, Your Grace,” Juliet quickly added, “do not feel pressured to say yes. I do not want to cross my bounds.”

“I know you only wish to help, Juliet,” Alicia said, slowly handing over the letter.

Juliet smiled reassuringly at her. “If anything, this might help unburden the weight that currently rests on your heart.”

“Perhaps, Juliet.”

The girl unfolded the letter, smoothing it out on lap, before she raised it to her eyes, examining the words with an intense concentration. Her lips moved as she silently read the words, her thin eyebrows furrowing the further she read. When she finished, Juliet lowered it, glancing at Alicia before looking over it once more.

“A second read,” Alicia mused playfully. “Must be a tough case to crack.”

Juliet chewed on her lips silently.

Narrowing her eyes at her, Alicia placed a steady hand on the girl’s shoulder. “Don’t look so tormented, Juliet. It’s all right for you to only see the same things I saw.”

“It isn’t that, Your Grace.”

“Then what is it? You look rather peculiar.”

“Well, it’s the exact opposite.”

Alicia smiled at her. “No more games, Juliet. It’s only a letter.”

“This isn’t a game, Your Grace!”

“How can you see something I didn’t?”

Juliet turned in the carriage to face her. “Tell me, Your Grace, how good of a writer is your brother?”

“The best of someone in his station,” Alicia replied. “I hope you don’t mean to insult my brother’s literacy.”

“No, Your Grace, but would it be common of him to have someone else write his letters?”

Alicia opened and closed her mouth, searching for an answer, but unable to point her finger to one. “I wouldn’t think so,” she said.

“But you have seen his writing, right?”

“Oh,” Alicia sighed, shrugging her shoulders, “not as much as you may think. Most of any writing he did was business related, and I had no place within it. I cannot remember a time where I looked over his own writing.”

“He never sent any letters?”

“We were always together, Juliet. Any business travel was for my father — he only passed a year ago, and my brother has not been in the practice long enough to send me letters.”

Juliet handed the letter back to her. “I don’t think that this is his handwriting, Your Grace.”

“How could you possible know that?”

“It’s quite familiar to me.”

Alicia’s eyes widened. “Well, that’s impossible. There isn’t any conceivable way for you to have seen my brother’s handwriting.”

“I know, Your Grace,” Juliet quietly said with a flushed face.

“You mean to say,” Alicia said, speaking slow as the apprehension clung to her throat, “that this letter is forged?”

Juliet raised her hands defensively. “Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. Nevertheless, that writing is something I have seen before, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

“This is ridiculous!”

“I’m sorry, Your Grace, I never meant to offend you.”

“There isn’t any offense taken, Juliet,” Alicia breathed. “I am only torn between the reality presented to me, and the one you have so elusively uncovered. We are on the way to London, and I now doubt the reason why.”

Juliet licked her lips anxiously. “Can’t this be a good discovery, Your Grace? There is a chance your mother hasn’t been injured at all.”

“But doesn’t it bring along the question as to why this has happened?” Alicia asked. “Who wrote that letter, and why?”

“I cannot see a reason, Your Grace.”

Alicia turned to look out the window, more questions filling her mind than answers. She sighed, wrapping her arms around her chest as though a chill had entered the small carriage. Before the silence could carry on for long, the carriage came to a sudden stop.

Alicia and Juliet jolted forward, their bags shifting noisily above them.

“Have we arrived?” Juliet asked.

“In no way can we already be in London,” Alicia whispered, trying to get a good look out the window by pulling back the curtain.

At first, all she could see were woods, the tree branches and leaves swaying in the summer breeze. Shadows passed over the trees, looking tall and long like monsters. Alicia gasped, pulling herself away from the window.

“What is it, Your Grace?”

“I’m not sure,” she replied. “But I do not think it to be good tidings.”

More ruckus came from outside the carriage. There were two drivers at its helm, footmen from Garvey that regularly drove the carriages to and from London. Alicia could recognize their voices, but soon came to realize that there were unknown ones thrown into the fray.

“We are a simple delivery carriage,” one of the drivers was saying, his voice slightly muffled by the walls.

“Yes,” the other footman added, “only fruits and vegetables for Mayfair lodgings.”

Alicia narrowed her eyes. “Why do they lie?”

Something slammed against the left wall of the carriage, where Alicia sat. She flinched backwards, turning to watch a shadow move across the wall.

“This ain’t no delivery,” a man shouted out, his accent thick and deep.

“It is,” the footman repeated. “Deliveries only.”

Laughter came from the other side of the carriage.

“Look at ‘ow red the bloke looks!” Another man called out, more laughter surrounding the carriage.

“Juliet,” Alicia whispered amidst it all, gripping onto the girl’s arm, “try not to move.”

The maid froze in her seat, the frantic rise and fall of her chest unable to be stopped. “Y–Your Grace,” she whispered, her voice quivering. “I?—”

Alicia clapped a hand over the girl’s mouth. “Quiet, now,” she muttered into the girl’s ear. “Not another sound.”

The sounds of the footmen jumping off the carriage echoed outside. Their feet hit the ground with a thud, and more silence carried through the compartment. Alicia kept her hand over Juliet’s mouth, feeling the girl’s hot breath fan against her skin uncomfortably. A million thoughts raced through her mind, only the image of Matthew’s face in the firelight the brightest in her head.

“Look, sirs,” one of the footmen said quickly, “we can get you money, if that’s what pleases you. Don’t do nothing rash now!”

The man on the left side of the carriage sighed loud enough for it to be heard where Alicia and Juliet hid in fear. “I’m afraid rash is all we do, sir, ” the man said.

Bang! Bang!

Shots rang through the air, followed by the thuds of something heavy hitting the earth. Alicia released her hold on Juliet in surprise, clasping her own ears as the sound echoed into the carriage. The maid squealed, clutching at her head. A smell, one Alicia had never known, began to seep into the carriage. Footsteps moved around outside, the sound of something dragging across the ground. The compartment jostled and shook as the horses struggled to remain still in all the panic.

Alicia felt her breath come out jaggedly as she began to hyperventilate. To her right, Juliet pulled her knees up into her chest, almost becoming a tight little ball in the corner of the carriage. Terror laced the girl’s eyes as tears streamed down her face. In her place, Alicia imagined her sister, and Lucy. Reaching for her, Alicia grasped onto Juliet, pulling her till she could cover the girl’s petite frame with her own.

“Whatever happens,” Alicia whispered, her words barely a breath, “don’t stop running.”

Juliet looked at her with the widest eyes she had ever seen. “Alicia,” she cried, her lip quivering uncontrollably.

Wrapping an arm tightly around her, Alicia pressed a kiss into the girl’s raven colored hair. “I’ll protect you, Juliet.”

The footsteps grew louder outside of the carriage.

“Might we see what’s inside, boss?” one of the men said.

Another chuckled. “Hope it’s diamonds.”

“Don’t be daft,” the one on the carriage’s left said. “I hope it’s women.”

Alicia’s blood ran cold beneath her skin.

The left door directly beside Alicia was suddenly flung from its hinges. Alicia’s eyes squeezed shut at the sound, and she listened to the wood creaking and splintering as it smashed against the ground. Juliet was still within her grasp. For a moment, she wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. Perhaps they had been saved.

Alicia willed herself to open her eyes.

The barrel of a rifle stared back at her.

All the air left Alicia’s throat as her body wished to scream. She could only stare at it, eyes widening as she tried to come to terms with the death that met her head on. There seemed to be a cavity within her, an echoing hole that ached for the duke to be there. Not for the obvious reasons of his protection against brigands, but rather, for Matthew to be there.

For the man she loved to be beside her when on death’s doorstep.

Alicia squeezed onto Juliet, holding the girl close as the barrel inched closer and closer. As the man placed a finger on the trigger, a devilish smile pulling back his lips to reveal yellowed and cracked teeth, Alicia kept her eyes open.

In these last moments, she would not allow herself to show fear.

Suddenly, a hand reached across the man’s face, grabbing onto the brigand’s collar before he could make another move. Out of Alicia’s view, she could only hear the thud of the man being dragged away, another crash as a fist made contact with his face. Within the moment, the brigand was unconscious on the ground, only his limp arm could be seen sprawling across the grassy floor.

Alicia breathed heavily, staring through the opened door, waiting for another brigand to reach in for her. A figure crossed over the threshold; only a silhouette against the bright afternoon light.

“Alicia.”

She blinked, trying to focus on the figure. “Who?”

The blurriness faded, and a gasp pulled itself out from between her lips.

Matthew watched her, his eyebrows furrowed together worryingly. He glanced between her and Juliet before he reached, extending his hand out to her. “Alicia,” he repeated, more firmly this time. “Don’t be afraid.”

Alicia shuddered, not able to hold up her strong exterior any longer. She jumped from the carriage, launching herself into his chest before he could say another word. The smell of Garvey filled her senses as she pressed her face into him: pine trees and roses. Alicia rubbed her face against his coats like a child who had lost its way, not wanting to lose the feeling she had right at that moment.

“Matthew,” she breathed into him, the tears falling like rivers down her cheeks. “Matthew, I?—”

“It’s all right,” he interrupted, wrapping an arm around her waist to carry her the rest of the way out the carriage. “Come along, Juliet.”

The girl climbed out, grasping onto his hand as a guide. “Y–Your Grace,” she mumbled as she staggered into the light.

“Well, well,” a voice called out a few feet away from them. “Looks like London has a savior on the loose!”

Another voice laughed boisterously. “A posh one, at that!”

Alicia clutched onto Matthew’s coat as he turned to face the two remaining brigands. Neither of them had a rifle like the other, only carrying short knives in their hands.

“Get behind me,” Matthew commanded.

Alicia held onto him tighter. “No,” she cried.

“Alicia!”

“No!” she forcefully shouted. “I will not lose you, I will not !”

Matthew suddenly pulled her off him, holding onto her arms tightly. “Look at me, Alicia!”

She met his wide eyes, unable to stop herself from sobbing.

“You once told me you’d protect me,” Matthew said. “Let me do the same.”

Alicia stifled her cries, allowing him to push her behind him with Juliet. The girl grabbed Alicia’s hand, her short nails cutting into her skin.

Matthew faced the brigands with his hands clenched into tight fists. Redness already stained his knuckles from the first man. “We can end this civilly, gentlemen, provided you take your leave now.”

“Posh man thinks he’s the constable,” one of them guffawed.

The other laughed again, tossing a knife from hand to hand. “Let’s show ‘im who the real constables are on these roads!”

Matthew tightened his jaw. “Thought you’d say that,” he muttered.

The first, who held a knife menacingly, slowly crept towards Matthew. They circled each other, both with extended hands ready to grab the other. The brigand thrust the blade forward, earning a gasp and shriek from Juliet with each move. Matthew jolted back with every throw, his expression never changing from that of intense determination.

Alicia couldn’t pull her eyes off him, off the way his shoulders were so broad or how shadows were cast over his neck from his sharp jawline. It was as if she saw him for the first time, beautiful and grand beneath the sunlight. Despite the dangers that threatened to destroy them all, Alicia only wanted to run to him, to drape her body over his as a shield. If Juliet hadn’t been there, nothing would have stopped her from doing such a thing.

Matthew lunged for the brigand, dodging the knife and landing his fist into the man’s stomach.

The brigand doubled over, rolling till he was back on his feet unsteadily. He lost the blade somewhere in the grass, now fumbling with his thin arms and nimble-looking hands. Matthew jumped for him again, and they tumbled in the grass, rolling over each other till the duke was on top. He struggled with the brigand, distracted by his thrashing legs and swatting arms to see what approached from behind.

Juliet tugged on Alicia’s hand, nodding her head over to behind Matthew.

Creeping along the forest’s edge was the other brigand, who had slunk off into the shadows the moment the other two began their dance. He held the other’s lost blade, gripping it tightly over his head as he inched closer to Matthew. Staring down at the other brigand, Matthew would never see the man coming, and a blade would quickly be dug into the sensitive space between his shoulder blades.

Alicia felt fear swell up into her chest, and even as she opened her mouth to shout at him, her lips clamped shut. “I’d only make it worse,” she breathed, a hand clasped over her stomach.

Juliet breathed quicker. “He’s going to be killed!”

Glancing around, Alicia’s eyes landed on a wide rock resting on the ground beside their feet. She reached for it, lifting the heavy weight over her head. Taking a small step forward, Alicia closed her eyes, remembering how her father used to toss a ball between her and Owen when they were only children. In the memory, her father glanced at her, a toothy smile on his lips.

Just aim with your heart, Ali. The ball will do the rest of the work.

Alicia opened her eyes, a newfound determination swelling up within her.

Lunging the rock over her head, it flew through the air till it landed square on the brigand’s forehead. With a loud slam, the man flung backwards at the impact, crashing to the earthy floor without another sound.

Matthew launched his fists into the man below him, not stopping till the brigand was as still as a statue.

“M–Matthew,” Alicia barely whispered. She reached for him, but her legs were too unsteady.

“Wait, Your Grace,” Juliet began, trying to hold her up.

The duke began to rise off the ground, swiping a drop of blood from the corner of his lip with his sleeve. His knuckles were painted a rusty red, but his cut mouth looked to be the only injury he had managed to sustain. Sweat trickled down his forehead as he glanced at the brigand behind him, and the rock that brought him down.

Matthew turned towards them. When his gaze landed on Alicia, his shoulders relaxed drastically, as though he had never known they were tensed.

“Matthew,” she said again, louder this time. A relieved smile spread across her lips. Alicia took a few steps towards him till her knees rattled together, and she slowly began to sink to the ground.

Before she could get close enough to hitting the floor, Matthew was there, cupping one arm around her waist and the other hand was at her cheek. He swiped a tear from her cheek with his thumb before he took in her face, his gaze taking in every part of her.

“Alicia,” he mumbled, his lips barely moving.

She reached up, running a hand gently through his dark locks. “You came,” she whispered.

Matthew gripped onto her tightly before he dipped down, barely touching his lips against hers. “I always will,” he spoke against her mouth.

She could barely take a breath before Matthew crashed down upon her, kissing her fiercely in the sun’s gaze. Alicia clung onto his hair, pulling him as close to her as possible. It was different from their first kiss, which was soft and discovering; one that was meant to open them up to each other.

There, in the heat of a life or death moment, Matthew kissed her as though it would be the last, his hands taking in every piece of her. Alicia pulled back for a moment, breathing in deeply before she leaned back in, gently pressing kisses along the corner of his lips, across his cheek that was stained with dirt, across his jaw that finally relaxed under her touch.

Matthew held onto her cheeks, resting his forehead against her own. “I–I feared I might never see you again,” he said quietly.

“I’m here, Matthew.”

Suddenly, fervently, he lifted her head so as to meet her eyes. “Alicia,” he whispered, “I know I have disappointed you.”

“What?”

“I know you have given me more patience than you were ever supposed to give. I know that I accused you of heinous crimes that should never have been said to a woman of your stature.”

Matthew paused, furrowing his brow as he searched for the words he wished to say. When he met her eyes again, tremendous emotion seemed to seep out of him. “But if I asked — if I begged — for forgiveness, would you have any more kindness left to give to me?”

“Matthew,” she breathed, “you do not need to ask such a thing.”

“But I do. I have scorned you.”

“It is the past.”

“It is our past,” he said. “And I do not want you to look at our beginnings with a heavy heart. I do not want you to think—” he stopped himself, his mouth snapping shut.

“Think what, Matthew?”

He fidgeted, despite still clinging on to her.

“Please,” Alicia whispered, desperately. “Don’t put the wall back up.”

Matthew met her eyes. “I do not want you to think I do not love you.”

“Wh–What?” Alicia asked, her voice as light as air. “What did you just say?”

“I love you,” he said, lips barely moving. “You have slept inside my soul since the night we met, and I have never been rid of you since, and I never wish to be.”

Her breath caught in the back of her throat. “Matthew.”

“I am not worth loving,” he said, quietly. “I know this and I am not afraid of it. What I am afraid of, is losing you. I am afraid you will decide you have had enough of me and my faults. I am afraid you might look at me one day and say, ‘you are as your father always was; a monster.’” He looked away from her. “And I’m sure I’d agree with you.”

“Do not say such things,” she whispered.

“It is true, Alicia. I will not deny where I have come from; the evil that bred me into the man I am today,” he said. “I cannot erase my past, the legacy my parents left within the halls of Garvey. These are the pieces that have made me into the creature I am today.”

Matthew held onto her intensely. “This is me,” he fervently whispered, as though he were out of time. “This is me,” he repeated. “Can you take me as I am?”

Alicia sighed, reaching to hold his face gently within her palms. He looked so small like that, with her hands delicately framing the sharp features lining his face. Matthew leaned against her embrace, his breath coming out long and burdened. Alicia could see the cracks within him, his heart shattering more than he would have liked to let on. She pressed her palms onto his cheeks.

Perhaps she could put him back together again.

“I’ll take every piece of you,” she said. “If you’ll let me.”

Relief filled his face faster than a wave crashes against the shore. He leaned into her, resting his head in the crook of her neck. Alicia engulfed her arms around him in a hug, pulling until she could pull him closer no longer.

With her lips just inches away from his ear, Alicia whispered, “I love you.”

And she could feel him smile against her skin.