Chapter 30

With Colin secretly sneaking around Lord Shilbottle's gardens, likely breaking into the rare greenhouses at that very moment to admire the flowers, Nathaniel did his best to find a quiet spot inside the manor where he could observe without being bothered. A spot where he might be able to see Leah, to begin his last fight, though he did not know if she would be in attendance.

Be here, he prayed, ignoring the eyelash-fluttering of some young ladies who passed his corner of the ballroom. Be here, so I can tell you how sorry I am. Be here, so I can tell you the truth at long last.

He clung tightly to the hope that she did not hate him as he had once willed her to. Surely, the absence of their names in the scandal sheets was proof that he had not yet lost his one chance at true happiness. And until she said otherwise, he would keep his hands cupped around that fragile flame of possibility.

Just then, a small pocket of chaos drew his attention to the opposite side of the ballroom where three figures had just skittered in, their wide eyes searching the crowd for someone. They were talking animatedly, but in low voices; he could tell from the way they leaned close to one another, they were whispering.

If I can win their favor first, perhaps it will ease my path to her, he realized, seizing his opportunity. After all, they must have had some faith in him to go all the way to find Bill for an explanation.

"Ladies." He halted abruptly in front of the three young women, bowing his head. "I hope you do not mind my interruption, but I was wondering if you might tell me where I could find Leah. Perhaps, it is a leap, but I assume she is with you?"

Anna crinkled her nose. "I wish she were. Indeed, we are wondering the—"

"She is none of your concern," Phoebe interrupted, hitting him with a look of damning disappointment. "Perhaps, if you had not treated her so coldly, you would know where she was."

Matilda took a half step toward him, squaring up. "Did you lose your nerve?"

"Pardon?" Nathaniel tilted his head to one side.

"I do not like to speak for my friends," Phoebe said, "but I believe she is asking the question we all wish to know—Why did you dismiss her like that?"

Matilda nodded. "We shall not talk of the details, but you know what we are referring to. Why did you do that to her? Did you panic? You would not be the first gentleman to do so, nor would you be the first gentleman who has made promises to her to do so." She sniffed. "We had hoped you were different, but you know what they say—all men are the same."

"He was protecting her," Anna's quieter voice crept in, her gaze fixed on the floor.

Nathaniel stared at the shyest, least angry of the three. "I was."

"Pardon me, but that is a strange way of protecting someone," Matilda shot back, keeping her voice low. "You knew of her fate three years ago, you knew society would eat her alive if she had another failed courtship, yet you cast her aside. I do not believe it."

Nathaniel glanced at Matilda. "Then why did you go and speak with my friend, Bill Hodge? If you thought me a disgrace, why go to the trouble?"

Matilda's eyes widened ever-so slightly as if she had been caught stealing ribbons. "We wanted to be sure."

"And are you?"

Phoebe pushed forward. "No, we are not sure which is why we are asking you to be plain with us. Indeed, all we know is that your actions have taken our friend from us for a fortnight. She has locked herself away, refusing to see anyone, and she is supposed to be here tonight, but I imagine she had second thoughts in case you were also here."

"It is a lengthy story, and one that is not fit for such an environment," Nathaniel said, realizing that they would soon draw the attention of the crowd. "All I can tell you, here and now, is that I love her, and I made a mistake. But I promise you, I did think I was protecting her. I did it for her sake, even though it crushed my heart into tiny pieces."

The three women looked at one another, holding an entire conversation with their eyes in a feminine language that he was not privy to. There were scowls and subtle shakes of the head, pursed lips and slight shrugs, but when the smallest tug of a smile graced Anna's lips, he had a feeling that all really was not lost.

"Very well, you can help us find her, and you can tell us this "lengthy story" on the way," Matilda said, still clearly unimpressed. "Four searchers are better than three, after all."

Nathaniel frowned. "I thought you assumed she was not here tonight."

"To get rid of you," Phoebe explained tersely, "but now, you have given us something to consider, and no one has seen Leah in at least twenty minutes. Half an hour, in truth, now that you have stopped to hinder us."

Anna seemed to come out of her shell. "Her mother said she had gone in search of us, promising she would not be long. But it has been a long while, and she obviously did not find us, so we are… somewhat anxious." She smiled encouragingly. "Say you will help us, and say you will tell us this story?"

"If you will listen, then gladly," Nathaniel replied. "I know I have disappointed you, but I hope you might forgive me. I hope she will forgive me, most of all. As for helping you find her," he flashed a small, nervous smile, "why are we still standing around, twiddling our thumbs?"

Matilda made a harsh noise, partway between a scoff and a laugh. "Someone said they saw her head out into the gardens, so we have a great deal of ground to cover. I do hope the mud does not ruin your nice boots."

"I would not care if it did," Nathaniel told her, hoping that her sarcastic jest meant she was warming up to him. "First, let me steal some light. I shall meet you out on the terrace, for propriety's sake."

Matilda rolled her eyes. "Now, he thinks of propriety. Well, hurry. It is cold out there, and I shall blame you if she gets even so much as a sniffle."

I shall blame myself more than you ever could, I assure you, he knew as he took off toward the refreshment room where he was certain he had seen a lantern glowing.

* * *

"You will catch your death, sweet Leah," Jonathan said, slipping his cloak off his shoulders as he walked toward her. "Please, now that there is no one to see, take this and warm yourself."

Leah stood up sharply, glancing behind her. A tall blockade of boxwood prevented her from escaping around the side of the manor, and Jonathan blocked her path back up the terrace while a low wall would need to be vaulted if she hoped to jump down into the gardens and run for freedom that way.

"If you are trying to scare me, it will not work," she said, her teeth chattering.

Jonathan frowned. "Why would I want to scare you? I do not want you to fall ill again, that is all. When I heard you were unwell, I knew it must have been that night on the terrace. I knew you would catch a cold." He shook his head. "I have not stopped thinking about it, wishing you had just taken the cloak."

"Where is your wife?" She hugged herself, so he could not force the cloak into her hand.

Jonathan shrugged. "I neither know nor care."

"Did she finally realize that she did not marry the gentleman you claimed you were?" Leah shot back, the cold biting at her skin. "You are destitute now, are you not? And I suppose she has become accustomed to a certain way of living."

Jonathan smiled, pausing to sit on top of the low stone wall. "I always thought that it was wealth and success that made a man, but I have recently discovered that is not true." He dropped his chin to his chest. "The loss of my wealth, not that it was ever considerable, has been… oddly liberating."

"You should not have made everyone believe you were a man of great fortune then it might not have felt like so much of a loss," Leah said. "Liars are always found out."

Jonathan raised his head, gazing softly at her. "I know that. Indeed, I have come to realize that it is my penance for hurting you." He smiled. "I had to lose everything to understand what meant the most. It is not houses and trinkets and the latest fashions and a pretty but dull young woman on my arm. Love is everything, Leah. Love is the only thing that matters and the only thing that will see a man through the very worst of times to raise him up to better times again."

"So, I ask again, where is your wife?" A chill splintered through Leah's heart, for she did not trust the gentleness in Jonathan's voice nor the warmth in his eyes. It was like a block of ice in the center of a snowball.

Jonathan laughed. "I might ask you where your "beloved" is." He paused, sliding his hands into the lapels of his waistcoat. "But I already know the answer to that. He is not your beloved anymore, is he? I had a feeling it would not last. Still, one man's missed chance is another man's dearest hope."

"He is in the city with his brother," Leah replied, a note too quickly. "I wanted an evening with my friends, so he insisted I come here without him. Nothing has changed. He is still my beloved." At least in that, there was no lie.

An ominous tutting sound escaped Jonathan's lips. "There is no reason to be embarrassed, Leah. I already know that your courtship with Nathaniel has come to an end." His twisted smile stretched across his face. "He is here this evening, but as you evidently did not know that, you have just confirmed my suspicions."

"He is… here?" Leah strained to look behind Jonathan, hoping beyond all hope that Nathaniel might suddenly appear and rescue her… but the terrace lay empty as far as the eye could see; no one was foolish enough to step outside in such bitter conditions. No one but her.

Jonathan put a finger to his lips, shushing her. "Do not speak of him. I might not have much to my name, but at least I am not a common brawler with a criminal father." He pushed off the wall and began to move toward her. "But together—you and me—we can create a brighter future for ourselves."

"I beg your pardon." She stared at him as if he were quite mad.

"I know you still love me, Leah," he said. "How could you forget your first love? No woman does."

If she could have, Leah would have forced herself through the boxwoods. "What on Earth are you talking about?"

He closed the gap between them quickly, seizing hold of her frozen hand. "I have not forgotten you either. Our last conversation made me certain that I could not be without you." He dragged her hand to his lips, and though she tried to wrestle free, he kissed her glove. "You do not have to pretend anymore, and neither do I."

"You have taken leave of your senses!" Leah managed to wrench her hand free, backing away until she felt the boxwood fronds digging into her back.

"No, I am seeing clearly for the first time in years," Jonathan insisted. "The night before our wedding, a friend informed me of a young lady named Dorothy who had an infatuation with me, and that she hailed from a sickeningly wealthy family. I was stupid and I was greedy, choosing money over love. Although, part of my decision was my mother's sickness; I stand by that." He huffed out a sigh. "Nevertheless, I was a coward who could not face you, in case I changed my mind, so I jilted you. I used your drunken declaration of love as my excuse. It was the greatest mistake of my life, and I have regretted it every day since. You see, Dorothy has nothing else to offer, and now that her dowry has trickled away to nothing too, I understand just how idiotic I was. Love should always triumph over money, and I pray it is not too late."

Leah eyed the wall, wondering if she could land on the other side without breaking something. "You are entirely mad, Jonathan. You cannot possibly think I believe a word you are saying, can you? Are you so utterly delusional?"

"I knew you would fight me at first, but that is to be expected after the torment I have made you endure," he replied, still smiling. "But I love you, Leah. I love you, and I want us to be together. And now, there is nothing standing in our way."

Leah's jaw dropped as she realized just what he was proposing. After all, he was married, and that was not something he could cast aside as he had cast her aside on their wedding day. He was obviously suggesting that she should be his mistress, and though she desperately wanted to laugh in his face, she did not dare. It was too dangerous, considering she was alone out there with no one running to her rescue.

"Even if I did love you," she said, choosing a more diplomatic response, "I will be no man's mistress."

Jonathan paused, his brow furrowing. "You would not be a mistress, my darling. You would be my wife where it matters." He touched his hand to his heart, making her feel sick. "We could venture to the Continent, live together where no one knows us, make our fortunes side-by-side. After all, when the news finally reaches society that you have been cast aside again, there will be no hope of you ever finding a match. This is the best you can expect."

"And that is supposed to entice me?" she spat, cursing herself for not being able to hold her tongue. "You ought to leave us both alone—me and your poor wife. You said it yourself; what do you have left to offer anyone? Besides, society will never find out about me and Nathaniel, for there is nothing to find out. We are as happy as we have ever been."

Jonathan's eyes glinted with annoyance. "Cease this. Did I not tell you once that if there is one thing I cannot abide, it is a liar?" He sneered. "The Duke is not the only one capable of making investigations, and though he might believe he knows everything about me, I know everything about him, too. I have the power to ruin him, so if you do care for him, as you say, then this is the only way to spare him and his family from society's wrath."

"Because he is a famous boxer?" Leah took a risk, forcing a sly smile onto her lips. "Oh, everyone already knows that. It is something of an open secret. Indeed, I am surprised you were not already aware. And I also know that you are sore because you lost to him, and in doing so, lost everything you had wagered on winning." That last part was a guess, but judging by the horrified look upon Jonathan's face, her intuition was right. "Is trying to steal me your way of attempting to beat him, long after the match is over?"

Jonathan stared at Leah, his face draining of color. "You know that?"

"He told me within a few days of our first meeting," she lied, feeling the words fall easily from her tongue. "Did you think that would bother me? Why, I can think of nothing more attractive than a man who makes you feel safe and protected."

"No. How do you know of our boxing match?"

Leah shrugged. "He told me. We have no secrets, he and I." She paused, thinking back to the night of the carnival. "Indeed, I have often cleaned that awful black paste off his face when he has forgotten a smudge or two."

Now, she understood what it was she had wiped away so carefully—not smoke soot but his disguise.

Jonathan looked sick, stumbling as he continued, "Then, I shall tell the entire nation about his father. I will make him suffer as he has made me suffer. His brother will never find a wife, and his mother—goodness, I think the pain of having everyone know might be enough to kill her." He grinned darkly. "There will be an investigation, there will be punishments, and he might become as destitute as I am. Would he still be appealing to you then?"

"Love is more important than money," she reminded him. "Nor will you do that because no one would believe you. It will sound like the sour grapes of an incapable businessman who once received a loan he could not pay back."

Jonathan grabbed her then, his hot breath steaming against her face, making her skin crawl. He glowered down into her eyes, his fingernails digging into her icy flesh. She wriggled and writhed, trying to free herself enough to slap him or punch him—whichever came first—but he was stronger, pinning her arms to her sides.

"And who will believe your protests," he whispered venomously, "when the scandal sheets discover that we kissed?"

His face inched closer to hers, his lips puckering… and there was nothing she could do to stop it.