Chapter 26

Arare sort of madness overwhelmed Nathaniel as he scoured the manor, peeking behind every door, looking behind every drape, searching high and low for Leah. Yet, it was as if she had vanished into thin air. No one had seen her. Either that, or no one wanted him to find her.

Finding himself disoriented in the gloom of a staff corridor, at his wit's end, his mind spooled backward to the first time he had encountered Leah. He had been running from the prospect of courtship and commitment and responsibility. Now, he was running around like a headless chicken, toward a young lady who had somehow snuck into his heart while he was not paying attention.

Do not return to him.Do not even consider it, he begged inwardly, sprinting up a winding staircase to the upper floor of the manor. Please, do not be tricked into love again.

He had not intended to overhear the conversation between Leah and Jonathan. It had happened quite by accident, for he had not long arrived, and needing some air before he entered the fray of the ball, he had taken himself for a walk through the gardens instead. He had seen her through the fronds of some tall fir trees, and had been mustering the courage to approach her when Jonathan had beaten him to it.

"Vile wretch," Nathaniel hissed, breathless as he took the steps two at a time.

However, he had not heard everything that had been said between the pair. Just snippets that left him feeling cold inside. He had heard something like an offer of forgiveness from Leah, had seen Jonathan put his cloak on her shoulders to keep her warm, had seen them holding hands, and had heard the words "I adore…" as the former betrotheds stood close to one another. Closer than he was able to bear.

I chased her back into his arms. He was convinced of it, a prickly sensation nipping all the way down his spine as he thought of her confession, of how she had loved Jonathan once. He knew, all too well, that if someone could love someone once, they could love them again. He had seen it with his mother, who had come back to his father, no matter what the awful man had done. Indeed, the worse the behavior, the more the wounded party seemed to need to be loved by them again.

But the most damning part was the way she had run from him. He knew she had seen him, yet she fled… and only the guilty fled.

Stumbling out of a doorway on the upper floor, Nathaniel's head whipped left and right, searching for any signs of Leah. His heart leaped, seeing another door open at the end of a long corridor. A cool breeze drifted toward him, seemingly beckoning him toward the doorway as if to say, she is here.

Glancing around to ensure no servants were watching, he ran for the door and slipped through it, finding himself in a somewhat empty room, filled with disused furniture and large objects shrouded in dustsheets. It was eerie, in truth, but he quickly drew his attention to the open French doors ahead of him. Beyond, a lone figure stood on a balcony, gazing out at the snow that tumbled slowly from the heavens.

"Leah?"

Her body stiffened. "You should not be here. I have no chaperone."

"Why did you run from me?" he asked, stepping out onto the balcony.

She would not turn to face him, the snow clinging like petals to her hair. "When did I run from you? I did not know you had arrived."

"Are we now deceiving each other as well as society?" He desperately wanted to touch her, to take hold of her hand, but he did not want to frighten her. Not if she already thought him a brute.

Did you run because I scare you now? His heart hurt at the thought, imagining that she now saw him the way that his mother once saw his father. As a fearsome, terrible thing who might cause harm and pain. But what hurt worst of all was that he still wondered if he was that fearsome, terrible thing. An echo of his father.

A tight, cold laugh rumbled from her throat. "Do you want me to admit that I ran from you?"

"I should like to know why, that is all."

Leah shivered, hugging herself. "Is it not obvious?"

"Perhaps, but I hope that I am mistaken." He swallowed thickly. "Do not fall in love with him again, Leah. He has not changed. Whatever he said to you, it is another of his tricks. I humiliated him at the botanical gardens, I pressed upon his weaknesses, and now, he is trying to punish me—punish us both for making him feel small."

Leah twisted around, wearing an expression of utter bewilderment. "You think I… love Jonathan? You think that is why I ran from you?"

"I saw you together."

She rolled her eyes, groaning. "He approached me. I told him he was not welcome three times, but he would not leave. And yes, I know that everything he said to me was just a trick to try and win my favor because you and I embarrassed him." She shook her head, hugging herself tighter. "I might be foolish at times, but I am not that stupid."

Nathaniel took a moment or two to absorb what she was saying, ramming her words through the fog that clouded his mind into some realm of clarity. He must have looked like an idiot, blinking slowly at her, trying to make sense of what he was hearing.

"So, why run?" He frowned, still confused. "Now that your half of the contract is complete, can you no longer stand to be by my side? Is that it? Has it become an "only when entirely necessary" situation? That would certainly explain your note yesterday, telling me not to bother coming to collect you."

"It is because I am afraid that if I continue to stand by your side, basking in the warmth of you, relishing in your company, laughing and smiling and forgetting that everything you say and do is just a performance and not remotely real, I will want to remain by your side forever! I will wish for it to be real!" Leah snapped, her chest heaving, her face flushed, her eyes sparkling with tears. One escaped, meandering slowly down her cheek, collecting in the deep bow of her lips.

Nathaniel stared at her, his own breath ragged. She looked so scared and so vulnerable, yet he could not urge his frozen legs to move toward her, to take her in his arms and promise her that all would be well.

"But I know you will never marry," Leah continued, her voice cracking. "I know it is hopeless to wish for the impossible, so I am distancing myself. That is why I ran, and why I wish you were not standing there in my way, so I could run again. Nathaniel, if I carry on with this ruse, my heart will break." Her fingertips raked at her chest, the pain upon her face unbearable to behold. "I cannot endure it any longer, for my objective has changed, and it is… out of my reach." She dropped her chin to her chest, shoulders shaking as she whispered, "As such, the contract is null and void. It is… over."

The ice that seized his legs shattered. He closed the gap between them, whispering a soft "no" as he caught her in his arms, his hand warming her frozen cheek, his own eyes prickling with tears as he gazed down into hers. She peered up at him in shock, her lips parted as if she desperately wished to say something but could muster no sound.

He kissed her, tenderly pressing every promise he could not speak aloud against her mouth, holding her close. She trembled in his embrace, but he did not know if it was the snow and the biting wind or the sudden shock of his lips on hers. All he knew was that he could not let her leave the balcony, could not let her leave his side.

Kiss me back. Please, kiss me back, he willed her, praying she would not push him away. Then again, he was due the slap she should have delivered when they first met after he caught her in his arms in much the same way.

Tentatively, her mouth moved, echoing the slow caress of his. Her palms pushed against his chest, not to shove him backward, but to steady herself. He knew she must be able to feel the frantic beat of his heart, and he wondered if she could read the message in every powerful thud: that he did not want it to be over, that he had also wished, despite his best efforts, that it could be real.

As the snow fell around them, turning the world so silent that they could pretend nothing else existed, Nathaniel forgot every worry about the darkness within him. For if there was a darkness in him, how could a woman of pure light and joy even think of kissing him back? Holding her, kissing her, his mind had never been clearer. He did not need the noise and chaos of the boxing ring, nor the rush of a fight, to keep his soul at peace. He just needed her.

Slowly, agonizingly, she pulled away and gazed at him for a few moments. A snowflake landed upon her eyelashes, and though he longed to brush it away, he did not dare to move. The loss of her lips upon his had broken the spell, blowing away a second mist of confusion that he had not realized was there, leaving behind a cold, hard stone of a decision in his mind.

"What does this mean?" she whispered, breathless.

I cannot do it, he knew, his heart in pieces. I cannot risk it. He was not the gentleman that she deserved. He was no gentleman at all. She had told him not to leave anyone black and blue for her sake, and he knew there had been fear in her voice when she had said it. Like she saw something in him that frightened her, something unseemly and unsavory. A glimmer of his father's shadow. And as the warmth of her kiss faded slightly, a tide of doubt filled that space. Doubt that he would ever be worthy of someone as lovely and sweet as her, considering his past, considering his secrets.

But there was more to be concerned about, too—a fresh layer of risk that could not be ignored. Namely, Jonathan. By approaching Leah on the terrace, that wretch had made it clear that he desired revenge, and Nathaniel suspected he would stop at nothing to gain it, even if he went down with the pair of them.

After all, Jonathan had almost nothing left to lose; he would hurt Leah without hesitation, perhaps not physically, but with barbed truths.

She will see her name in the scandal sheets again. All of this hope and happiness will be tainted. Our future together will be tainted. She will be shunned. And she will not be the only one to suffer…He had heard most of what Jonathan said about his father. If all of that were to be dredged up from the past in an act of revenge, it would kill his mother and ruin Colin's future, too. Indeed, if Jonathan was half the cretin Nathaniel believed him to be, he would have done some investigating of his own. And though Nathaniel did not care what Jonathan said about him, he did care how it affected those who were dearest to him: Leah, his mother, and Colin.

"Nathaniel?" she urged, her voice so hopeful that he wanted to punch himself.

He clenched his hands into fists, bowing his head. "I… should not have done that," he said thickly, hating every awful word. "I should have let you leave as a gentleman would. But you see, that is the trouble with me."

"Nathaniel…" she gasped, her tone brittle, like she might crack at any moment.

"I am not a gentleman. I am a scoundrel and a devil who has spent the last seven-and-ten years in a boxing ring, fighting other men for my own benefit. I have made a fortune from it." His stomach roiled, his blood writhing. "At first, I was put into the ring to make my father a fortune—an entertainment for the crowd, like a bait dog—but I came to rely upon it. Nay, I came to… enjoy it, and I became very good at it, turning myself into one of the most famous boxers in England."

Her eyes widened, her face pale in the bruised light cast by the snow clouds. "Why are you saying this? What is the matter?"

"I am not worthy of you, Leah," he said brusquely, letting all of his private doubts spill from his tongue. "I am no better than a thief on the street, trying to swindle your heart from your reticule. For goodness' sake, I bought that lavender gown with money I had made from beating other men to a pulp! And I am telling you this because I want you to see me as I am, I want you to understand that I am not what you believe me to be."

She tried to reach for his hand, but he pulled it back. "Please, Nathaniel. Stop this."

"I am coarse and violent," he carried on, needing her to hate him so her heart would not break, "and though I despised my father, I am not so dissimilar to him. He married a woman like you, a woman so far above him that it made him realize how pitiful he was. That is why he became cruel, because she made him feel unworthy—not by her actions and not through any fault of hers, but simply by being. I would not put you in that situation. I would not become any more like him than I already am."

A tear fled down Leah's cheek. "What are you trying to say? I do not understand. How can you kiss me one moment, and say such things the next?"

"To protect you," he growled, grabbing a fistful of his waistcoat, right above his heart. "It is the only good thing I can do. That is why you were right—the contract is null and void because my objective has also changed. I no longer wish to play games. Instead, I will do what I should have done in the first place; I will tell my mother the truth, and I will let that be enough to stop her from trying to match me again."

Leah shook her head. "Is that story true? I do not believe it. I will not."

"Ask Bill—the man you overheard me speaking with at the Countess's carnival. I can arrange a meeting if you are not convinced," he replied as calmly as he could. "He is the man who trained me; he will confirm it."

Leah narrowed her eyes. "Then I do not believe you are unworthy."

"That is not for you to decide," he replied, a piercing pain shooting through his chest. "Leah, it is over. I will keep my promise and take all of the blame, but you must break the courtship. Tell the scandal sheets what I have told you tonight, but say nothing of my father's part in it. Tell them what I am, tell them that I am known in the warehouses of the London Docks as "the Highwayman." It will be enough to turn the tide of public opinion against me. No one will blame you for breaking our courtship. Indeed, I suspect you will be championed for it."

His mother would be shocked, but she would find out from his mouth first, lessening the blow. And, in that one sacrifice, he would spare her from an investigation into her husband's wicked antics—at the very least, from cruel gossip. He would face all of that alone, soothed only by the notion that he had protected his brother and the two women he loved most in the world.

I have fallen for you, he wished he could say. I do love you, but I am doing this for you. So, hate me, blame me, make yourself safe again. Meanwhile, he would have to keep the secret of his feelings to himself. A secret far greater than his other identity.

"It is over?" she choked.

He nodded. "It is. And do not forget, "the Highwayman." That will seal your innocence in this."

"I see." She straightened up, anger flaring in her eyes. "Indeed, perhaps this is for the best, for I am beginning to think you are not the gentleman I thought you were. Not because of the story you have told me, but because you did not let me leave, because you kissed me first, and then you took a fist to my heart. No, you are not who I thought you were at all. Thank you, Nathaniel, for making this so easy."

He was about to ask what she meant when she stormed past him and disappeared back into the dark of the empty room behind them, answering his unspoken question. The door slammed… and she was gone, marching out of his life forever.

Swallowing down a tide of rising tears, his eyes stinging, he turned to face the falling snow, letting the icy flakes cool his feverish skin.

"I love you," he whispered, hating that he would never get to tell her, "but you must despise me now. Despise me with your whole heart, so it cannot break."

He had thought the fight with Jonathan was over, wrongly believing his opponent was down for the count, but Nathaniel hoped the bell would now ring to end their bout, leaving no one beaten and bruised but him.