Chapter 23

Leah did not know why her heart felt like it was about to explode out of her chest, nor why she was holding her breath when she desperately needed to calm herself, but as she waited for Nathaniel to say something, anything, it was like she had no control over her body whatsoever. It trembled in nervous anticipation, her eyes wide and unblinking, her hands clasped together as if in prayer.

He defended my honor, yet again, she told herself, trying to remind her brain that she had no hold over the handsome, amusing, enchanting man who stood before her. A friend would do the same. Any of the girls would lie to spare my embarrassment. What more can you expect of him? Whatever it was, she knew it was stupid to hope. After all, she already knew why he did not wish to marry, why he thought marriage changed people. That sort of painful past was not easy to overcome.

He defended my honor, yet again, her heart repeated, turning the frantic thud of her heart into a thousand butterflies, flapping wildly. More than that, because he had stepped in front of her when Jonathan appeared, she had been able to take a moment to muster her own courage. Before meeting Nathaniel, she would never have said those things to Jonathan; she would have retreated into herself as she had done for the last three years.

"I wanted to take that smug smirk off his face," Nathaniel said, after a few stilted moments of silence. "Is that not why we began this, to show him what everyone else already knows—that jilting you was the greatest mistake of his life?"

Leah's heart sank. "But how are we to explain this? Are we not taking this ruse too far?" She could not swallow the hurt in her voice, wincing as she heard it.

"Everyone already thinks we are engaged," Nathaniel said softly. "If you have read the scandal sheets, it is not a surprise. I imagine Jonathan probably already suspected."

Leah stared down at the blades of grass, squashed underfoot. "What were you talking about with him?"

"I warned him," Nathaniel replied. "He will not trouble you from now on. He has promised to be courteous and kind if you should ever cross paths again."

Leah's head snapped up. "How did you get him to make such a promise?"

"In the usual fashion." He swallowed uncomfortably. "A gentlemen's agreement. But I must say, you were a revelation! I thought he would crumble to dust when you mentioned the debt collectors. Is that a true story?"

Leah shrugged. "It seemed to be. He did panic rather a lot, did he not?"

She could sense that Nathaniel was trying to lighten the conversation, and though she willed herself to do the same, her tone was flat. It was like a thick glass wall had gone up between them, and though they could see one another, there was something in the way.

I wanted you to say that you meant it, she realized, her heart rising and falling all at once. I wanted you to tell me that you no longer wished it to be a ruse. The understanding was a heavy weight, crushing down on her chest. It terrified her that her heart could betray her wishes, handing itself to Nathaniel when she had vowed to give it to no one, but it would not listen to reason. She wanted to be the woman that Abigail said she was, the woman Nathaniel needed, the woman who could change his feelings on marriage and love and all that entailed. He just wanted to shield her from a man who no longer mattered, as any friend would.

"Have I upset you?" Nathaniel asked, his brow furrowed as he reached over and put his fingertips beneath her chin, tilting her head up gently. "Did I say something wrong? I only desired to protect and defend you, Leah."

"Is that why you fought with him and left his face like that?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

Nathaniel dropped his hand as if her skin had shocked him, his eyes wide with alarm. "Why would you say such a thing?"

"It is true, is it not? That is why your cheek is also bruised. Please, do not lie to me."

He sighed, his eyes closing on the exhale. "He was rude, he had imbibed too much, and he decided that I was to be the target of his anger. I offered him the opportunity to back down, but he would not." His throat bobbed. "He kept coming at me, and I had to defend myself. But I will not lie—I was defending you, too. I fought for you, and I am not sorry that I did. It was the first time in my life that…" He trailed off, his eyes opening.

"The first time in your life that—what?" Her heart began to flutter afresh.

"That I felt I had a righteous cause to spur me on," he replied quietly, his voice thick.

Leah pressed a hand to her chest, steadying herself. "In future, I would ask that you do not leave anyone black and blue for my sake… but I thank you for protecting me and for defending my honor." She mustered a smile. "No one has ever stood up for me before, so I am unaccustomed to the feeling."

"I promise, I shall never raise these fists again," he said in a strange tone, weighted with something she did not fully understand. "Now, might we continue our walk and restore this afternoon to its former cheer? I imagine Colin has found a multitude of insects and creatures for us to peruse."

Nothing would have made Leah happier than to be able to forget what had just happened in the butterfly house, but as she opened her mouth to agree, very different words came out, "Actually, I am feeling rather unwell. There is something catching going around, and I fear it has caught me." She dipped her head in respect. "Shall I see you at Lord Haughton's ball on Friday?"

"Why did you not say you were feeling unwell?" Nathaniel peeled off his greatcoat, draping the heavy wool around Leah's shoulders. "I must, of course, escort you back to your residence."

Leah felt the comfort of his greatcoat as if it was an embrace from him, the interior still warm from his body. "Did you not hear me say it might be catching?"

"I have the constitution of a bear," Nathaniel insisted. "Nothing can make me sick. I have not had so much as a common cold since I was a child."

She had to laugh. "That must be why your coat is so warm—from all the fur you have hidden beneath your fine garments. It is like a furnace!"

"You cannot tell a soul," Nathaniel urged, smiling in earnest. "Between the rumors of me hanging upside down like a bat to sleep and my bearish tendencies, I shall be shooed out of society and will have to go and live in the woods where I shall become the stuff of myth: a story to frighten children before they go to bed."

Leah wrapped the coat tighter around herself. "Did your parents read to you before you went to sleep?"

"Not quite, but I do know a scary tale or two," he replied, his expression darkening for just a moment before his smile returned. "Colin, come on! We are returning this sickly newt to her pond!"

Leah punched him lightly in the arm. "I am not a newt."

"If you were, you would be the prettiest newt of all," he told her, laughing as he pretended to wince in pain. "Brutal, too. Who taught you to punch like that? You are not, perchance, a lady by day and a pugilist by night, are you?"

She squinted at him, thinking that was a very odd thing to say. "No. Are you?"

"It would hardly be fair, pitting a bear-bat-duke against ordinary men, now, would it?" he teased, but she thought she saw a flicker of panic move across his face as if he had said something he should not have. "Colin! Now!"

The younger man bounded around the pond, holding something in cupped hands. "I found a bee!" he said, sounding concerned. "It is dazed from the cold, but if we take it home and warm the poor thing by the fire, it will recover quickly enough. Did you know that bees can find their hive, even if they are miles and miles away?"

"I did not," Leah replied, peering up at Nathaniel.

"It appears you two have even more in common," he said, putting an arm around her shoulders to steer her toward the carriages. "She, too, takes pity on bees who have not yet realized that it is almost winter."

Colin ran off ahead, shouting back, "Hurry! We must get the bee to warmth immediately!"

Nathaniel smiled down at Leah. "Indeed, dear Leah, I hope you may be restored to health as quickly as the bee."

"As do I," Leah replied, wondering if there was a simple remedy for her present affliction: the disease of a growing, unrequited love and the heartbreak that would surely follow.