4. June 19th

4

June 19th

E verything is white. I try to blink a few times or even move, but I can't control anything. I can't feel anything. Except, inexplicably, I know for certain if I could, I would be in pain.

Am I dead?

After a moment, I hear the muted sound of retreating feet shuffling against carpet, and then a door opening and closing.

But still, all I see is white, as if it is pressed into my very eyeballs.

"Oh, Sunflower."

Suddenly I am being shifted, now I can see that the world has not been reduced to whiteness. I am in a room I don't recognize, and right in front of me, staring into my very soul, are a set of emerald eyes.

I want to reach out, to say something, but I can't. I am frozen, but that does not change the misery that hangs heavily in my heart.

"It's going to be okay, you're going to wake up and this will all just be a nightmare." Tripp pulls me forward into his arms, the move jostles me so that I can now see another figure in the room.

"Hey there sis, what did I tell you about trying drugs? About parties?"

Confusion and sadness sweep through me as equal waves in my heart.

"Stop it, she won't understand. Give her more time." Tripp's words are raspy, saturated in hopelessness.

I want more than anything to tell these men how much I miss them. That I love them. That I need them.

I can see as something shifts across my brother's face. "But that's the problem isn't it? No matter how much time she has, she never learns." He reaches forward ruffling my hair. His words don't make any sense to me, but I can't speak to question him. "Love you sis, it's going to be okay. Just follow your gut and be careful who you trust."

My vision fades, and suddenly, there are a thousand spiders crawling across my skin and leaving a trail of agony in their wake.

***

I don't know why, but I wake up screaming.

The sound pierces the otherwise silent space, but nobody comes to check on me.

I am alone.

Even worse than that, it's my birthday.

I roll back over, further into my pillows trying to find some sort of comfort.

It's been five days since the memorial, and I haven't left my house since. I have barely even left my bed. I haven't seen either of my parents; they work at the hospital and are rarely home. I wouldn't know they existed except for their periodic fighting.

I feel so incredibly numb and lost. I had my entire life planned, and in less than a moment, it was snuffed out. I will no longer be starting college this year, I will not be showing off my boyfriend, I won't be rooming with my best friend, Julia, I won't be escaping this town like so many do.

I am stuck.

Tendrils of unexpected jealousy creep into my heart; Auggie and Tripp aren't forced to go through this. They left me all alone to pick up the pieces.

The thought leaves me feeling guilty, but it doesn't make it any less true.

Rage slithers across my body. Heats my skin. Prickles my nerves.

I want to scream, rage, and destroy everything in my sight. Instead, I pull my blankets back over my head.

A nagging feeling has squirmed its way into my gut; shame. I will allow myself one more day to stew. But tomorrow, I will live. If not for myself, then for Auggie and Tripp.

Today was the day Tripp and I were going to announce our relationship. We figured being a legal adult would numb the blow. That Auggie would understand and my parents couldn't intercede.

Instead, it will forever be a secret. One that I will carry alone.

Happy birthday to me.

***

This time it's my phone's ringing that brings me back to consciousness.

My window's curtain is shut firmly so I can't discern what time it is until my hand finally snatches the device off my bedside table. It's 11:14 PM.

I answer the call. "What?" I expel the word out harshly. I almost made it through my birthday without having to face the reality of it all.

"Sunday! It's time. I'm worried about you. It's your birthday! I'm outside, get dressed. You're coming with me." Carrie's bubbly voice slurs, and I have minimal interest to crawl out of the comfort of my bed.

If it were three weeks ago, before Tripp and Auggie's death, I wouldn't have even answered the phone. Carrie and I may be friends, but it is a friendship based out of obligation, not interests, from back when she dated my brother. Even so, I know Carrie is a kind-hearted person that means well. So, why not? I am already awake now and I can tell going back to sleep won't be an easy feat.

"Fine," I finally agree. Maybe this is what I need. To let loose, to try to forget, to further numb myself to the gaping holes that make up my heart.

I end the call and quickly get ready, throwing on shorts and a blouse from my laundry hamper. I don't have time for a shower, but I run a wet brush through my unruly copper curls and hope that it will be sufficient.

I find myself buzzing with energy. This is the first time I have done anything for fun since this all began. Will this even be enjoyable? I have my doubts. There is also a lump forming in my gut.

Guilt.

I promised Auggie years ago I would never go to one of these parties, especially not without him, but he isn't here now. And he isn't coming back. Maybe this will be the first step of going out on my own. Of living my life without the two men that took up so much space in it before.

I don't hear either of my parents as I exit my bedroom but that is to be expected. They both work in the hospital overnight, they won't be home for hours. I go to pull my bedroom door shut, but when I do, something catches my eye. My brother's room is next to mine and his door appears cracked open.

It shouldn't be.

"Sunday!!!" Carrie's yell comes from the front of my house.

Irritated and distracted, I shake my head and move my attention from Auggie's room. I promise myself I will investigate it later, and I head to the annoyingly drunk girl.

With Julia gone, she is my only remaining friend and the only person that remembered it was my birthday.