10. Shana

10

SHANA

H e jerks back, his hands shifting from my head to my shoulders. His jaw hangs slack, his eyes wide, and his tail is standing straight up above his head. He blinks, but it's a slow, languid closing of the lids, then opening every bit as slow.

"Yes?" he asks.

The pressure in my head builds. My heart pounds and it's hard to breathe. I can't speak so I nod, biting my lower lip.

He jumps into the air, throwing his fist up, opening his wings, and casting a wide shadow over me as he hangs there for an impossibly long moment. He yells something in his language that I don't understand, but the tone of his voice makes it clear he's excited.

"This is good, yes? Good thing. We are mates, treasure. My treasure. Happy. Wait," he stops babbling while looking at me with sudden seriousness. "Why you happy not?"

The pressure explodes, making stars in my brain and I sob involuntarily. I can't look at him. I feel so ashamed. So broken and worthless.

He is there before I can draw another breath. Wrapping me in his arms, tail, and wings. Enclosing me in a protective bubble and I never want to leave. I'll stay here forever. Let me die like this. In his arms, knowing I am loved, but once I tell him, everything will change. I know it will because it always has.

"I'm sorry," I sob into his chest.

"Sorry? No," he says, his voice muffled by my hair. "No, sorry. I am sorry. I do not understand and am sorry. I try."

Leave it to him to make it his fault.

A chuckle slips out, surprising me almost as much as him trying to take on all the responsibility for my issues. I shake my head, rubbing my face against his cool scales.

"It's not you," I say but I'm not sure if he can hear me. Reluctantly I push off his chest. I meet his eyes and though every part of me wants to not, I force myself to keep on doing it. My knees quiver, but I lock them in place and steel my nerves.

"I'm not sure…" my throat tightens, and I have to swallow hard before I can continue, "I may not be able to have it."

"No have?" he asks.

"My body… it may… reject it," I say.

"This is… bad? I do not understand."

I close my eyes as memories flood in. That one terrible moment when I thought my world shattered, but I didn't know how bad it was going to be after.

"I need to tell you… something. Please, just… listen. Let me get it out… then… you can hate me or… whatever."

I open my eyes, and he is clearly confused. He opens his mouth, closes it, then opens it again, but nothing comes out. His tail is slapping the fused sand with a fast rat-a-tat-tat sound.

"As you wish," he says.

I close my eyes again. I can't look at him as I tell this. It's easier to pretend I'm alone, talking to the empty air.

"A few years ago, on the ship, I went to the lower decks. I wasn't supposed to be down there. It was dangerous but I was young and stupid. I went down on a dare. I was so… na?ve. I didn't think I could be hurt."

He puts his hand on my arm and gently grips my bicep with a reassuring touch. I pause, not wanting to say this but having to.

"There were these… people. They were called Vagrants. People who were… like outcasts. They weren't supposed to exist and some of them… they'd hide to avoid being detained. I went into this duct because my friends said I wasn't… brave enough. Turns out I was just stupid enough."

"Not stupid," he whispers. "Brave."

"Bravery is sometimes just being too dumb to know better," I counter. The pressure is so high behind my eyes that I press on my closed lids with my thumb and forefinger to try and ease them so they don't explode. "I was… caught by one of them. He… hurt me. Bad."

Kosh growls. It's his dangerous growl that I've only heard one other time when he thought another man was threatening me. The growl that warns anyone near he's about to get violent. I put my hand on his chest without opening my eyes. The cool scales absorb my warmth.

"It's… a long time ago," I say, continuing. "But after…"

"Pregnant," he says.

"Yeah." It's a heavy exhale. "But… it didn't… it wasn't right."

"I understand," he says.

"No, you don't. It's… it was a bad pregnancy. I decided to keep the baby."

"You have child? Where? I meet?"

I sob then choke, falling into a coughing fit as I shake my head. Tears stream from my clenched eyes, but I can't open my eyes. Can't look at him. I'm almost there. I can't stop now, have to finish the story.

"My mother… she was angry. Angry I wanted to keep it. She called me… well she abandoned me." He growls but doesn't interrupt. "I tried to keep but it was… it wasn't right. I lost the baby."

"Oh… I am… sorry, right word? Sorry, very much."

His arms are around my shoulders, and he pulls me in a hug me. I let him hold me for a moment, but this isn't done yet. He has to know why I've been so careful. Why this is not a good thing.

"Kosh, listen," I say, straightening and opening my eyes. "It was what is called ectopic, I don't know exactly what that means so I can't explain it, but it messed me up. I was told I may never be able to have another baby. That if I try… it's very dangerous, for me."

"Dangerous?" he asks. I bite my lip and nod. "Then we fix it."

"It's not that simple," I say.

He smiles and nods.

"It is… for the Order."

"What?"

"Order has facilities. Knowledge. Machines. Order can help."

"But they want to enslave us," I say.

He shrugs and shakes his head.

"Then I will take what is needed. I fix this. They will not stand in my way."

"You're serious?"

"Very," he says, frowning. "You in danger. I fix. No questions."

"But… how?"

He frowns deeper.

"Told you I am not innocent," he says.

"But what does that mean Kosh?"

He sighs and then hangs his head.

"I gathered data for the Eye. Much information was sent from your ship. I collected and organized. I put together. Integrated it with our technology. The plan was always to get human women to ensure the future of Tajss."

"You were…" I trail off realizing the implications of what he has said.

Now he looks as ashamed as I felt trying to tell my story. I should be angry with him but how can I be? How can I hold the mistakes of his past against him when he didn't judge me for mine?

He shrugs and his tail is twitching. I place my hand on his face. He looks into my eyes, and I feel him begging for my forgiveness, but he doesn't have to any more than I had to. Of course, I forgive him. If anything, I love him more.

"I fix," he says. "Amends."

"You think you can?"

"I will," he says with absolute certainty. "Tajss provides."

"Tajss provides," I say, echoing his sentiment.