52. Larkin

After we finished eating,I carried Jackson back to his bed while everyone else hung out in the living room. Emily loved being surrounded by her dad and grandparents, all the adults doting on her like they used to before Jackson was born and she had to share the spotlight.

I laid him down in his crib, watching him turn and lie on his side, pudgy little hands pillowed under his cheeks. Through the closed bedroom door, I could hear everyone laughing, probably at something Emily had done.

There was a sense of peace washing through me. We hadn’t arrived where I’d like to be yet, but we were on our way.

I thought back to when Seth admitted he had been cheating on me through my pregnancy with Jackson and continued to after he was born.

It had seemed like my life was over. I had no idea how I would make it work with two children and such a big gap in my employment and no real support system around. I wished I could go back and scoop that broken woman up in my arms and tell her she was stronger than she thought. That somehow, it would all work out, and even if it didn’t, she was strong enough, brave enough, to handle it one step at a time.

I smiled down at Jackson. He’d grown so much since then too, finding his voice and even his steps.

“Goodnight, baby,” I whispered. I turned on the sound machine to peaceful music then turned and left him in the bedroom.

My eyes adjusted back to the bright light in the living room, and I saw Knox sitting on a folding chair while Nancy and Jerald sat on the couch watching Emily and Seth play a game on the floor. When I came out, they all looked up at me for a moment before watching Seth and Em again.

I walked over to Knox, standing by him and putting a hand on his shoulder. He reached up, holding my hand. It felt right, to be here with him, to have him in my corner.

Seth finished the game, and Nancy took a turn, getting onto the floor with Emily, a pillow under her.

Seth came over to Knox and me, asking, “Is it okay if I speak with you outside, Larkin?”

Remembering the last time Seth and I spoke outside, I stiffened.

Knox squeezed my hand, and it was the reminder I needed that he was there for me if I needed him, that I could handle this.

“Sure,” I said, turning and leading the way outside. This time of year, it was starting to get chilly at night, so I wrapped my cardigan tightly around me as Seth stepped down the porch and then onto the sidewalk. He awkwardly scratched the back of his neck.

“Emily was happy to see you,” I said, breaking the silence.

His expression was tortured as he said, “Jackson hardly recognized me.”

My heart hurt for him, just for a moment, because he was in a mess of his own making. “It’s hard to know someone you hardly see.”

He looked down at the sidewalk again. “Guess I deserved that.”

I folded my arms across my chest, waiting for him to explain what we had to talk about.

Finally, he said, “I was wondering if I could start taking my visits every other weekend? I feel bad about the dad I’ve been, and I know I need to do better. They’re growing up... without me.”

Fear squeezed my chest. Seth had hardly ever watched the kids by himself when we were married, and now it had been months. That didn’t sound good for the kids or my anxiety. But I also knew he was legally entitled to his visits. Divorce fucking sucked.

“Is there a chance you could do the visits at your parents’ for a little while? Save them the driving back and forth?” I asked. It would make me feel better if Seth had some backup and the kids were closer to home.

Home. That’s what Cottonwood Falls was for me now.

Seth nodded. “It would be nice to have some help with them too. Mom said Jackson’s still waking up at night?”

“He was when she was watching him, but he’s been sleeping through the night for months now,” I said, relieved I could sleep through the night too. That first year it took him to find his rhythm had been exhausting.

He nodded. “So next weekend we can do the visit?”

“Sure,” I said. A chilly breeze blew my hair over my face, and I tucked it back behind my ears.

We stood silently for a moment.

“So Knox.” He nodded toward the house.

My protective defenses came up, especially after Seth had insulted him last time. Knox had been there for me and the kids in a way Seth had never been. “What about him?”

“He’s the one you want?”

My lips lifted into a smile of their own accord. I glanced back toward my house, and through the front window, I saw him helping Nancy back up and then dancing with Emily in the living room. It wasn’t wholly accurate to say Knox was the man I wanted.

It made it seem like I was picking out a handbag from a department store shelf. But I didn’t need him either. I knew I had what it took to stand on my own two feet. And yes, I loved Knox, but one thing I learned from my failed marriage with Seth was that a relationship took more than love.

So I settled for the truest words I knew. “He’s the one I choose.”