40. How to Explain

Chapter 40

How to Explain

T he shock on the three men’s faces when I entered the sunroom was almost comical. I wasn’t sure when they stopped guarding my door, but I suspected Ava had told them I was okay and that she had it covered.

No one said a thing, but each of them stood. Thaddeus pulled out my chair, nothing but concern in his eyes. He looked at me as if hoping to find all the answers to the questions that had surely plagued him over the past few days.

I offered him a small smile and took my seat. Tarrin, bless him, reached over, placed his plate and cutlery in front of me, and turned around without a word toward the kitchen. He returned seconds later with a new set for himself.

They hadn’t served themselves yet, and as Tarrin sat down, they remained frozen. I wondered if I was like a faun to them, and nobody wanted to make any sudden movements, lest I bolt.

I served myself. The roasted chicken and vegetables were more than welcomed after the nibbles of food I’d managed to sustain myself on lately.

Their gazes pressed upon me in the silence, the tension palpable .

Unable to stand it anymore, I said, “So…what did I miss?”

The words fell flat, and silence fell again—only now, it was stilted. They didn’t bother with their food.

“Nyleeria.” Thaddeus’ features were cut with concern. I’m not sure what his tone indicated, but Tarrin and Nevander took their leave.

My stomach dropped.

Thaddeus stood up and held out a hand to me. “Walk with me?” An offer but also an unsure question.

I took his hand, the touch filling another piece of me that had hollowed out the other day.

We walked through the gardens in silence, the fresh air breathing life into me. Thaddeus released my hand shortly after we’d exited the sunroom and didn’t make to touch me or speak. He stayed close, though, watching my every movement.

Coming across one of the garden’s lounge areas, we took a seat. We sat next to each other the same as we had the other day, but it didn’t feel the same—all intimacy had leached away.

Thaddeus held my gaze, and something like hurt crossed his features. It looked as if he wanted to say something but stopped himself several times before he finally said, “What happened?” There was no judgment or demand in his words, just soft, concerned questioning.

I searched for a way to explain. I hadn’t prepared myself for this part, although I probably should have.

He looked down at his hands. “Was it me?”

The words hit like a blow. Gods, how could he think it was him? I blinked my eyes shut and sighed to myself, then opened my eyes and tilted his head toward me so he could see my truth.

“No. This wasn’t about you, Thaddeus.”

His eyes still held hurt in them.

“By the stars, Thaddeus. Why would you think it was you?”

He stared at me for a moment before saying, “You flinched at my touch, then walked away. When I called after you, you ignored me, and then Ava said that none of us could see you. I haven’t seen you since.” Confusion laced his words and danced in his eyes.

I’d been too wrapped up in my own thoughts that I hadn’t considered what those actions would have silently conveyed. Of course, that was the story he’d told himself. It’s surely the conclusion I would have come to as well.

“Oh, Thaddeus. No, you’ve done nothing wrong, I promise. I just…” How to explain what happened? What words would suffice? I opted to give him what I’d given myself these past few days—the raw, unvarnished truth.

“On the veranda, when Ava put the food down, she was so…formal with you.” His eyes narrowed slightly, confused. “The way she addressed you, it…well, it was a stark reminder that you’re King Thaddeus Artemis Alton the Third of the human realm.” He winced at the use of his full name, understanding beginning to dawn.

“It sounds stupid, but you’re the man who kept me tethered to this world when everything was falling apart. The one who showed me kindness. Who has taken care of me, protected me, and told me the truth. Who’s made love to me in a way I didn’t know was possible. I…I don’t see you as King Thaddeus, wielder of spells, ancient, powerful. I just see you as Thaddeus. And I know that’s naive, but…I don’t know, that’s just how it is for me, as if the rest of it doesn’t matter.” I looked at him, feeling vulnerable, beseeching him for a response, and bracing myself.

“And when she said those words, you felt…inadequate.” It wasn’t a question.

I held his gaze as I let my emotions through, let him see all of it.

“No. Inadequate would have been a welcome feeling, comparatively. What I felt was worse than inadequate ; even insignificant and inconsequential pale in comparison. The truth is, when I walked away, the exact thought that was going through my mind was…” My lip quivered at the words running through my mind, but I couldn’t give them sound. With a shaky voice and tears building in my eyes, I tried again. “The exact thought was, I’m a worthless piece of human flesh .” The words were stifling, heavy, and I was stripped bare. But I held myself there, trusting him to receive my truth.

Disbelief and anguish stared back at me. He closed the gap between us and placed his hands on either side of my face, holding my gaze, frantically looking for something inside of me.

He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. My lids followed suit, and we sat there breathing in one another.

After a few long moments, he pulled his head away a fraction. Grip tightening, he said, “You’ve never talked about it, but I can tell the words of others haunt you, Nyleeria.” He kissed my forehead and pulled back again, intensity burning in his eyes. “I need you to hear me when I say, there is nothing”—he choked on the words as if it hurt him even to say them—“there is nothing inconsequential, insignificant, or inadequate about you. And you sure as hell aren’t worthless. Do you hear me?”

I cried in earnest.

“Oh gods, Nyleeria.” He pulled me in and wrapped himself wholly around me, as if he could protect me from this hurt, those thoughts, the words others had spoken.

He kissed the top of my head and held me tight, his body moving with mine as my sobs shook both of us.

I calmed after a time and drew back to look at him.

“Hi,” he whispered to me with a half-smile and wiped away my tears.

I smiled in turn. “Hi.”

He leaned down and kissed me deeply.

Releasing our kiss, lips hovering against mine, he said, “Why didn’t you let me in? Let me help?”

“I had to let myself in first.”

His lips met mine, softer—this time, as if in understanding.

Later, Thaddeus walked me back to my room. As I stood at the threshold, he looked down at me, a soft query in his eyes. I held my hand out and led him to the chair that I’d spent countless hours sitting in the past few days. There was no trace of what had transpired; Ava must have tended to the chamber after I’d left. He sat down, looking up at me, allowing me to take the lead so he could give me what I wanted in that moment.

It wasn’t sex I was looking for, but intimacy, connection.

I straddled him with one knee, then the other. His hands were instantly on my back, strong, firm, comforting. My eyes fell shut, and I let his closeness wash over me. How could the same chair evoke such different emotions? I heaved a sigh and looked down at him.

With long, stroking motions, I ran my fingers through his hair, repeating the motion. He closed his eyes and gave in into my touch. I dragged the backs of my fingernails along his scalp, and he let out a soft sound of pleasure.

Leaning down, I kissed him as deeply and as thoroughly as I could.

Unhurriedly, with no end goal in mind, we kissed each other, exploring in a way we hadn’t before. None of our touches, caresses, or kisses contained the hasty exploration of desire. No, it was something entirely different.

I lifted his shirt off, wanting to marvel at his perfection.

Thaddeus freed me from my top, gently kissing my exposed skin.

Reaching back, I unclasped my undergarment, letting it drop to the floor. He pressed me against him, skin on skin, chest to chest, running his hands up my back. The softness of our skin connecting was pleasurable, soothing, welcome.

It was everything I needed.

He stood up, gripping me in his arms. I wrapped my legs around him, and he walked us across the room, gently laying me on the bed.

He slid my skirt and undergarment off, leaving me fully exposed. He smiled in appreciation and leaned over to kiss me, as if he couldn’t help himself. Shifting back, he looked at me and said, “Beautiful,” then kissed me again.

He tended to his own clothing and was now fully on display for me. And as he towered over me, hands on either side of my head, I fully expected him to give in to his desire for me, to plunge the full length of him into me. I readied for it, but he whispered, “Sleep with me, Nyleeria,” and I knew he didn’t mean sex.

Pulling the covers down, we slipped into bed. I tucked myself against him, skin on skin. His one arm acted as a pillow for my head, while his other hand continued to make long strokes along my body.

The sunlight pulled me from my dreamless sleep. It took a moment to orient myself, but as I did, I found myself still tucked into Thaddeus, my back against his torso. As I stirred, he held me a little tighter and pressed a kiss against the back of my neck.

“Good morning.” The low croon tickled my senses.

Still in his embrace, I half twisted to face him. The light filtered through his golden hair, giving him a halo. “Good morning,” I said, and a lazy, comfortable smile greeted me.

Thaddeus propped himself up on an elbow, then traced the curves of my face. Leaning down, he pressed his lips against mine, and it wasn’t the gentle, swift kiss of a morning greeting but rather a coaxing caress that teased desire from me.

Reaching back, I laced my fingers through those golden tendrils and shifted my hips toward him. The corner of his mouth curved, and his hand slid over my leg, lifting it up and over his thigh, leaving it there before reaching down and guiding himself to my entrance.

We watched each other as he slowly, so slowly, slid into me. Untwisting myself, I leaned the back of my head into him as he continued.

Thaddeus’ breath caressed my skin as his teeth scraped across my neck. His free hand prowled down my side and across my torso before cupping its fleshy quarry.

I let out a soft moan, relishing every part of us that was joined.

With every unhurried stroke, I adjusted to his girth, fully aware of the glorious friction our bodies created. Stars, what a perfect way to wake up.

Freeing his hand, he brought my fingers to his mouth, sucking two of them in tempo with his hips. Repeating the motion, he dragged his teeth along my flesh. Now slick, he guided my fingers down to the bundle of nerves between my thighs.

“I want to see you pleasure yourself.” I shuddered and let my fingertips rest where they had countless times before, obliging his request.

Thaddeus’ fingers dug into my leg and pulled it farther back, giving him deeper access.

Panting from my own efforts, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, unabashedly letting him watch over my shoulder.

“Fuck, Nyleeria,” he breathed before clamping his teeth on my shoulder and sucking hard. The small hurt was welcome as my nerves erupted in pleasure. My fingers still working as I shuddered, his thrusts brought me to a new depth of ecstasy, and my inner muscles spasmed with release. No longer afraid of being discovered, he poured into me, and we let out our cries of pleasure ring out.

Heavy breaths and our reverberating hearts were the only sounds as we lay there, completely and utterly satisfied, him still buried inside me.