Chapter 9

9

I go through the motions for the next three days as Igrid's shadow. Each morning I wake, I become farther removed from the idea of making it back home. The harsh reality that, whether I like it or not, I'm here begins to take root. Fighting to make sense of it and even fighting against it feels futile. But maybe, just maybe, if I can be who they want me to be, or if I can at least fake it well enough to survive, maybe after this is all over, they'll let me go home.

Home to a world where my dad, my favorite person, my sweet, loving, never-hurt-a-fly in his life, dad is gone. One where my sister and my mother are estranged from me.

It's been nearly two years since I've spoken to them. My parents divorced when Sam and I were kids. I stayed with Dad while my mom and Sam moved to the West Coast and promptly forgot that we existed. When Sam chose a college in Manhattan with a campus eight blocks from my apartment, I did my best to salvage our strained relationship. I saw Mom once when she came to visit her in the city. We went to dinner. It turned into a screaming match between the three of us and I walked out, cheeks red from embarrassment and wet with uncontrollable tears.

I knew my dad had regrets about Sam toward the end of his life. But unlike my mom, he always tried. He called. He sent birthday cards and Christmas cards and gifts for every occasion he could think of. How many times had I seen him pick up the phone only to be sent straight to voicemail? She barely ever returned his calls. Barely ever returned his love. And still, he found a way to blame himself for it.

So I came to resent her. I resented my mom, too. She was worse. Never calling to check in, to ask how his treatments were going. Neither of them even visited in the five years he was sick. Never even offered to help when I put my life on hold—my career on hold—to take care of him.

They had the nerve to show up at his wake, though. And the hell I gave them outside the funeral home made the New York dinner look like ring around the rosie .

I had just lost my best friend. I was unhinged. Feral.

And that was the last time we spoke.

I've gone to therapy. I've worked on that resentment, that anger and bitterness, and for the most part, I let it go. But something about seeing her at my father's side here…

I feel a strange sense of envy. How cruel can the universe be? Why does she get to be his daughter after all this, after everything…and I don't? I'm the one who took care of him. I'm the one who knew him, who loved him so fiercely that when he died a light went out in me that never rekindled.

The way she barely acknowledged him in the throne room and at the dining room table…it sparked that anger in me again. Because not only does she get to be his daughter. But I can bet she takes it for granted every day of her royal life.

"Are you alright, my lady?" Sir Warryn's voice jars me from my thoughts. His eyes fall to my hands, and it's only then that I become aware of the white knuckle death grip I've been inflicting on the poor, innocent broomstick in my grasp.

"Sorry," I apologize reflexively, easing up on my clutch. "I'm fine."

I aimlessly sweep the broom across the hall's impeccable marble floor. In the light of day, the snow-capped mountains are even closer than I realized, standing majestically just beyond the floor-to-ceiling windows.

"Why don't they just use magic to clean this place?" I mutter.

"Oh, they do." Sir Warryn faces me, hands folded behind him.

"Then why am I holding this broom?" I lean my elbow on the tip of the broomstick as I level a look at the young guard. He clears his throat uncomfortably, a timid expression on his handsome face.

"The captain said you were to do things—manually."

"I'm guessing you made some polite revisions to his order. Come on, what else did he say?"

"Until you reveal your own magic, he said, you shouldn't have the ' privilege of benefiting from ours .'" His face is pained as he rushes to explain. "Not all of us share in his sentiment, my lady."

I offer him a smile. "I know, Sir Warryn. Thank you for your honesty. And your kindness."

I continue to mindlessly sweep the broom back and forth along the empty corridor.

"I don't have any," I finally say, earning an inquisitive look from the young fae. I meet his gaze. He's mostly lanky, not a lot of muscle. His shiny, black armor fits him loosely, like he hasn't yet grown into it.

"I don't have any magic. Not that I know of," I explain.

"But Madame Gnorr all but confirmed you are a witch. "

"Yes, a witch with no magic. Even if I do have it, and it's just dormant inside me, I don't think I can access it on my own."

"Why not? Have you ever tried?"

"Not really. I'm from the human world. We don't have the kind of magic that exists here."

"There are no witches in the mortal world?" he asks, his brow raising.

"Some call themselves witches, but I don't think the magic is anywhere near comparable."

The magic here is a little more potent than manifesting your dream life from a vision board.

"Maybe with the proper training, your power would manifest," he concludes. I nod in agreement.

"Tell that to the captain. He's insistent I do it all on my own. He's got it in his head I came here with some hidden agenda."

"The captain is wary of outsiders. He takes his role very seriously, but that is what makes him a great leader. He was Princess Sorscha's sworn protector for years before he was moved up to Captain of the Kingsguard. The king values him like a son. He has a good heart once you get to know him."

I snort.

"Well, as I don't plan on getting to know him, I doubt I'll be seeing that good heart anytime soon. He's convinced that I'm impersonating the last Blackblood, for god knows what reason. I don't see why anyone in their right mind would lie about that all so they could ride a dragon."

"You'd be surprised. There have been countless Bluebloods and even some Reds that have come forward over the centuries claiming to be the last Blackblood witch so they could have a shot at bonding the dragon."

"Why?"

"Personal gain, the favor of kings. Bonding a dragon is the greatest test of strength and power. There is no greater honor for a witch."

"But I thought only Blackbloods were strong enough."

"Exactly, which is why every attempt by a Blue or Red has ended…unsuccessfully."

"I see. Are there any other witches at court?"

If there are others in the castle, maybe I don't even need to plead with Jack to get me that blue blood.

"Well, most of the Redblood covens have migrated south to the Mydlands of Aeix. No one knows where the Blues disappeared to. So, I believe you are the only one here. It was a gods-gift that the Kingsguard found you alive in the Bone Forest. How was it you came to our lands, by the way, if not through your own magic?" he asks curiously.

"Happy accident, I guess. You said it was a gift that they found me alive? Why is that?"

"The Bone Forest is full of lethal shadow creatures. The Mara. They come out at dusk. They can't stand the light."

"Those were…those were actual bones?"

"The Mara have an insatiable hunger. They feast on fear and pain, leaving behind only the bones of their prey. They find those quite indigestible."

I suppress a gag. I had been rolling around in a heap of human bone that day I arrived in Aegar.

"You've gone pale, my lady." Warryn approaches me looking concerned.

"I just can't remember the last time I had some water."

His eyes widen.

"Stay here, I'll return shortly," he tells me and is off before I can protest that it's not necessary.

Zadyn's feline form is perched casually on a window perch, basking in the sun .

"Did you hear that? Your little escapade with that book almost got me eaten by a shadow creature. Some pet you are."

He hisses mildly, but his tail flicks gently against the wall. For the past three days, he has been snooping around the castle as an array of small, inconspicuous creatures and insects, trying to listen in on the king's conversations and learn of his plans for me. So far, he's found nothing incriminating.

The faint echo of footsteps sounds from around the corner. I follow them, unable to stop myself. Zadyn hops off his perch and trails me to the end of the hall. Pressed flat against the wall, I strain to listen.

"…forced entry…dead at the portal in Hyrax," says a voice I don't recognize. I miss the beginning of his sentence, but the last part is clear.

There is a portal in Hyrax.

But who knows how far away it is? I can't exactly google it.

"How many?" Jack's deep voice sets off a flutter in my stomach. I roll my eyes at the involuntary bodily response.

"Two Guardians dead. The healer says the other may never regain consciousness. Its mind was shredded."

"And the travelers?" he asks.

"Only traces were left behind. Whatever crossed over certainly made it into Hyrax."

"And you have no idea what they are? Or where they came from?"

"No, Captain, I have my spies searching along the Hyraxian border, but for them to have taken on the Guardians…they must be creatures with an unnatural amount of power. Hyrax is sending a watch to stand in for them."

Jack is silent for a moment.

"Ready a troupe for tonight. Bring the hounds. I'll not risk those creatures making their way into Aegar."

His footsteps grow closer as I scoot away from the wall, feigning busy with my task. He stops a few feet away upon seeing me. I dare a glance in his direction. Disgust addles his features as he slowly approaches.

"I could hear you, you know." He circles me leisurely, hands behind his back. "As if that weren't enough, I could smell you." He wrinkles his nose.

"We can't all have the privilege of daily baths, especially those of us with ‘ no magic of their own. '" My smile is a sneer.

He chuckles.

"Is it my fault you're a defective witch with no power of her own? Besides, I figured it wouldn't hurt for you to learn a little discipline." He jerks his chin toward the broom in my hand.

"Yet you seem to have no regard for it yourself."

He stops to look at me.

"You expect me to produce magic without knowing the first thing about it. I need to be taught. Otherwise, I'm just wasting my time here."

"You're mistaken in thinking you have a choice in the matter."

"I'm not part of your court or your kingdom. I'm not your prisoner."

He prowls closer, his face a mask of calm cruelty.

"As long as your feet are on Aegean soil, you are a subject of this kingdom. And you will abide the orders of the king, or you will face death."

"Could you stop being an ass for one second and listen?" I ask. "There are things we need to talk about. You, me, the king. I know you need me. But you have to be willing to help me help you. Help your kingdom. And I can't do that if you just shove me down in the servant's quarters, out of sight with no direction, and expect me to prove myself. Don't you see how unfair that is? "

He chews the inside of his bottom lip, eyeing me with quiet rancor. I dare a step closer.

"I'll put it this way. If you don't help me to be the one you so desperately want, then you'll never get your Dragon Rider."

I hope he doesn't call my bluff. Because for all my big talk, I myself am not fully convinced that I'm the one they want. The one they need. That I could ever sit on top of a living, fire-breathing dragon and fly it like a chopper. I wait for the captain's answer. I expect him to either give me a yes or no. Instead, he imparts me with one more dirty look, turns on his heel, and disappears down the hall.

My temper flares as I stare after him in disbelief.

"Fuck this."

I throw the broom on the ground. It clatters loudly as I stomp all the way back to my room. I've already slammed the door behind me and begun stripping off my bodice when Zadyn transforms before me.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going home," I say sharply.

"Serena," he starts.

"No, Zadyn. Don't try to calm me down—don't try to convince me otherwise. I am leaving this place. I tried. I really did. I tried to stay for them, but I don't belong here."

"Oh, and where do you suppose you'll go?" he challenges.

"To Hyrax. To the portal."

"You'll never make it. It's too far, and you heard what they said in the hall. Something came over, left two Guardians dead, and shredded the other's mind. You have no idea how hard that is to do. They are death machines built to stop anyone who tries to cross into this world. There is something out there, something bad."

"But that's why I have you, isn't it? My blood-bound protector?" I quip and pull the shift over my head. I don't pause to see if he's looking. I really don't care.

"No. It's too dangerous. Let's just take a second and talk about this."

"You said you want what's best for me—you want my happiness," I point out as I brush past him in nothing but undergarments and yank open the top drawer to fish out the clothes I came here with.

"I do, but?—"

"This is what I want. I want to go home. That is literally the only thing that will make me happy."

"No, it's not, and you know it," he pleads, sitting on the bed and staring up at me beseechingly. "Don't tell me you aren't the least bit curious about all this. You can lie to me all you want, but at least be honest with yourself before you do something rash."

"The only rash thing would be staying here and seeing what's in store for me," I snap, angrily shoving my leg through my jeans.

"What of the king?" he presses.

"Of course, I want to know him." I whirl on Zadyn, half-dressed. "How could I not? I want to understand why he looks like my dad. I want to be close to him no matter who he is, but I don't belong here. This place is cruel. This world is cruel. I'd rather be alone in my world than here with the people I love looking at me like nothing more than a piece of gum on their shoes." My voice cracks as tears threaten to overtake me. I shake them away and tug my jeans over my hips.

I can feel Zadyn's gaze burning into me.

"This is about the captain. You're letting him drive you away."

"It's about all of it, all of them!" I say more defensively than I intend .

"Just give me one more day. One more day to make sure they won't risk your life, and then I'll go before the king. I will make him listen. We can't make it to Hyrax. It's too far on foot." He runs his hands through his smooth hair.

"So we steal a horse." I shrug as if it's the simplest solution in the world when, in reality, I've never even ridden solo.

"It's a five-day journey from here without stopping. The second they notice you're gone, they'll have patrols out to drag you right back. And you heard the captain. They're riding out to Hyrax tonight."

"If we leave now, we can beat them there. This is my best shot to go home," I point out.

"You don't know how to use a portal, Serena. It's not that straightforward. Shadow smoke is one thing, but the portal…traveling between worlds is dangerous. There are too many spaces in between. It's too easy to fall through the cracks and be lost forever. The force alone can tear you apart from the inside out."

I recall the feeling of being ripped open when I was transported here. That searing pain is unforgettable.

"If you're really that desperate to leave, then we need to find another way."

"I can't stay here another minute. I have to try." I shove my head through the neck of my T-shirt and sit on the bed beside him to slip my sneakers on. Zadyn says nothing for a long time.

"Are you going to try to stop me?" I ask.

His eyes meet mine, and there is anguish in them. He's torn.

"If I did, I doubt you'd listen. As much as I'd love to talk some sense into you, your mind is made up. I won't force you to stay if that isn't what you want. Even if this plan is the most idiotic and ill-advised I've ever heard."

I sigh and run my hands over my face, thinking of Jack's expression as he stalked away .

"He won't even acknowledge that I need to see the king, that I need to talk to him," I say, shaking my head. "I can't. I can't do it. Are you coming, or am I doing this alone?"

"No," he says, taking my hand. "Never alone."