Chapter 27

27

Z adyn and I eat dinner together in my room that night. He seems a little less aloof than when he abruptly left this afternoon.

"How was lunch with the king?" I take a sip of wine from a crystal goblet.

He shakes his head, his brows knitting together. "Interesting."

"How so?" Setting my glass down, I lean forward.

He pauses for a moment, then says, "I think he feels…responsible for my parents' deaths."

"If anyone is responsible, it's me," I say softly.

"Please don't say that." He gives me a tender look. "Don't even think it. My parents knew what they would be sacrificing. It's no one's fault."

"What were they like?" I ask after a moment.

"I never got to meet my mother. My father," he starts slowly, a soft smile spreading on his lips. "He was funny. Charming. Easy to talk to, easy to love." He stares into his wine, his mind somewhere far away .

"Sounds a lot like someone I know."

Zadyn huffs a muted laugh before continuing.

"He was a shifter, too, and a fierce swordsman. He taught me everything I know. The king shared some old war stories about the two of them at lunch, some I'd never heard before. He clearly loved my parents." He sets his glass down and flattens his palms on the polished table.

"I had hoped he'd still be here when I got back," he admits quietly, studying his hands. "There's a lot I didn't get to say."

"He knew. Trust me." I reach out to take his hand.

He lifts his warm brown eyes to mine. His smile is heartbreaking. I clasp his hand tighter and peer into his eyes, his soul. We stare at each other for a long time, recognizing the loss and grief each of us knows so well. We bear twin scars.

After a moment, he clears his throat, casually slipping his hand from mine.

"The king wants me to sit on his council, to take my father's old position as his emissary."

My eyes widen.

"Zadyn, that's great. Is that…do you want that?" He leans forward, resting his elbows on the table.

"It'll give me something to do, some purpose besides babysitting your ass." He gives me a sharp poke in the ribs, and I swat him away.

"Well, I think it's a great idea." I fold my napkin on the table. "You're a natural-born courtier. You're charismatic, easy-going. You make talking with people, with strangers, look like nothing."

He tips his head in thanks, reaching for his wine. "How was flying?"

"You mean falling?" I scoff, shaking my head. "It's impossible. "

"You said that about freeing your magic, about learning to fight, too. And now look at you."

I sigh, tossing him a withering look. "I stayed airborne for about five seconds."

"Gotta start somewhere. If you fall off a dragon during flight, those five seconds could be a matter of life and death."

I smack my lips together loudly. "Noted. I wish you would have stayed. You're a better teacher than Jace. A kinder one, at least."

"It seemed like you two were getting on just fine." Zadyn drums his fingers on the table lightly, his eyes fixed on the fireplace. A tense moment passes as he holds his breath.

"Serena. I'm only going to ask you this once," he cautions slowly. I swallow, knowing where this conversation is headed.

"It seems like something's going on between you two."

"That's not a question," I say quietly as he slides his gaze to me.

Serena, he seems to say without words.

What?

What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything. There's nothing going on between me and Jace.

Anyone with eyes can see it.

I shove to my feet, needing to put some space between us.

"It's complicated," I say aloud, stopping in front of the fireplace.

"I just think you need to be careful."

I bristle, remembering Marideth's same warning to me weeks ago.

Is it really that obvious?

"I've got it under control," I say a touch defensively, trudging over to my bed. The plushy comforter envelopes me as I flop down on my back .

"Serena." Zadyn's voice is stern as he follows me and leans against the bedpost. "He is all but engaged. To the princess ."

"I know that, Zadyn. That's why I told you there is nothing. Going. On. Okay?" I punctuate each word sharply. "We stopped it," I add, almost to myself.

"What did you stop?"

My eyes remain fixed on the canopied ceiling as I heave a sigh.

" What did you stop ?" he presses. "Did something happen between you two?"

I snap my gaze to him sharply.

"Nothing happened, alright? Nothing happened between us," I insist.

He huffs a laugh, pushing off the bedpost. "Oh, really? You were all but groping each other in the water today. It was sickening."

My cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"What do you want me to say, Zadyn?" I jolt upright, narrowing my eyes at him as he paces around the room. "That we're attracted to each other? We are. Sue me."

"Obviously." He whirls toward me, his face addled with disgust. "That's the problem. You're not fooling anyone. Everyone can see you pining for him."

"I do not pine for him!" I bark, planting my feet. "And this is none of your concern. Why do you even care?"

"How can you even ask that? You know why. I don't want to see you get hurt!"

"I'm not going to get hurt. I'm fine."

"You are playing a very dangerous game." He shakes his head. "With a lot of hearts."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Sorscha loves him. And if you don't think he's still pouring his honey in her ear to secure his spot as king consort, you are dreaming," he hisses, his caramel hair falling into his eyes. My anger flares at his accusation.

"He doesn't care about being king!"

"And you think he cares for you? He doesn't. You're just an itch he wants to scratch before settling in with a princess."

"Wow," I jerk back, stunned, staring at him open-mouthed.

"Just tell me you're not actually na?ve enough to fall for him," he fumes, his brown eyes flashing.

I already have.

"I told you. Nothing. Happened?—"

" Yet. "

A beat passes as we stare each other down. He takes a tentative step forward and lifts his hand, but then drops it, conflicted.

His voice is pained as he shakes his head and murmurs, "You're going to break your own heart. I thought you were smarter than this."

For some reason, that last comment makes me flinch.

I slide off the bed and stand nearly chest-to-chest with him. He peers down at me.

"Let me make one thing very clear, Zadyn. I know you feel entitled to me because of this bond, but I am not yours. I don't care if you're jealous. I don't care if you think you know what's best for me. I'm not your little girlfriend who you can just boss around and control. You do not own me. You do not get to dictate who I love or how I love or anything else when it comes to my life."

The quiet words spread through the room like venom, hitting their mark. Zadyn's face drains of color.

I want to take back every word I just said, every low-blow sucker punch. I went too far.

"I'm sorry, that was cruel," I murmur .

He eyes me, his features softened by the candlelight, and leans in just above my lips.

" You're cruel."? *

He leaves without another word.

I doom-scroll through my camera roll until the wee hours of the morning. It's become my ritual when I feel down or depressed.

Like now.

I've kept my phone tucked away in the drawer of my nightstand since I moved into this room. When I freed my magic, I figured out a way to charge it with only the zap of my fingers. This little object is all I have left to connect me to my old life. I only take it out when I need a reminder of who I am, who I was before this, and where I came from.

The screen illuminates my dark room as I mindlessly sift through photos of my old life. Pictures of me and my dad. Of our camping trips to the Adirondacks. Our old house in Beacon. The day he moved me into my New York City apartment.

A wave of nostalgia tinged with guilt hits me as I study the photos. At times it almost feels like I'm cheating on my old life with this new one.

Or maybe I'm just projecting.

I study the girl in the photos. When she's not giving the camera dirty looks, she's mostly smiling.

Was I ever as happy as I look in these pictures? Whoever that girl is, she is a stranger to me.

You're cruel.

Zadyn's words echo in my mind as the pit in my stomach returns. I groan, tossing the phone onto the bed and throwing my arm over my eyes. I replay every horrible thing I said to him earlier. It was so uncalled for.

I hate myself for it.

And the worst part is that he's right. About all of it.

I'm playing with more than just my own heart. I'm screwing with Sorscha's future, her happiness, with Jace's future...with a kingdom that needs a strong ruler one day.

Jace would be that ruler. And he would be so good at it.

The more he and I entertain this delusion—this flirtation—the harder the fall back to reality hurts. I said we stopped it. But it isn't over.

Not in my head. Not in my heart.

I have to swear him off. I have to promise myself this will go no further than it already has—a stolen, drug-hazed kiss in the night, a handful of longing looks, and lingering touches.

It will go no further. It can go no further.

It ends now.

* ? Cue: Bite The Hand by boygenius