Chapter 25

25

J ace's admission keeps me up all night. I am in a daze for the rest of the day, during my history lesson with Zadyn and later at dinner with the entourage. Jace doesn't show, thank god. I watch my beautiful friends exchange carefree smiles, looking light of burdens while I sit at the table, my heart heavy as stone, keeping dangerous secrets from all of them.

I toss and turn, oscillating between hot and cold, shivering beneath the silk sheets one minute and kicking them to the floor the next. Frustrated and sleep-starved, I throw a floor-length silk robe of the deepest eggplant over my bare shoulders and slip out my door as silently as I can manage.

My heart flips as I take in the tall figure outside my door. For a second, I think it's Jace, but it's just Sir Warryn.

"My lady." He bows his head. "Are you well?"

"Yes." I pull my robe tighter over my chest, feeling the chill of the hall. "I couldn't sleep. I thought I might just take a short walk to clear my mind."

"I would be happy to escort you. "

"No," I politely decline. "Thank you, but I need to be alone."

"I was told by the captain to guard you with my life."

"And you are doing an amazing job," I compliment. "I don't see any imminent danger nearby. I'll stay close. I just need some solitude."

He looks weary but relents, nodding his head. "I understand. I will be here." I offer him as much of a smile as I can manage.

My mind drifts back to Jace. Turning his back to me in the training ring and stalking away. Just like Jack did.

I wasn't pregnant. I got my period the night after the big blowout. But by then, the damage had already been done. I knew I had pushed us past the point of no return.

After my father's death, I was so broken, so grief-ridden. I had never felt so alone. And even though I knew Jack was doing his best to ease my pain, nothing he did or said or promised would ever be enough. Nothing could fill that void except for time itself.

People say they're sorry, they send food and flowers. They ask how you're doing for the first year. But after that, they forget. The grace period is over, and you're expected to be healed, to be over it. Only those who have lived through a loss like that can truly understand. Jack tried his best, tried more than anyone else in my life to understand, but I pushed him away. I didn't want to know what it was like to love and lose ever again. After that fight, after I got in my car and drove south, he felt as far away as I did, lost at sea in a storm without a compass. So I buried my love for him where even I couldn't find it.

Until I saw Jace, and it ripped a gaping hole in an old wound. I might have thought he and Jack were one and the same when I first got here, and maybe that was what drew me to him in the first place, but I quickly learned that wasn't the case.

It's Jace I now care for. Jace I can't stop thinking about.

I can't stay away from him. And I don't want to. Pathetic as it sounds, if all he could offer me was a cold shoulder, then I would take it. No matter how degrading that is.

Maybe that's why I still need therapy.

Lost in thought, my feet lead me out onto the stone patio where I first met Kai. I lean against the railing and stare out at the hedge maze beyond.? *

Movement catches my eye near the entrance of the maze, and Jace emerges from the darkness, wearing a sullen expression. My stomach does a somersault. I watch silently as he ascends the stone steps to the patio, his posture somewhat morose from the way his shoulders curl inward. His eyes catch mine the second he reaches the top step, and he slows, resting a hand on the railing. For a moment, I think he might just continue inside without a word.

But he pauses a foot away from me.

"Midnight stroll?" he asks.

I shrug. "Couldn't sleep. What's your excuse?"

He sighs and crosses the few steps to my side. Mimicking my posture, he leans his elbows on the railing.

"Guilty conscience." He looks out at the expansive grounds in their perfect condition.

"That's the worst."

A rueful smile tugs at his lips.

"It is." He studies his hands as his expression shifts.

"You have to know, I didn't mean what I said. About wishing you were dead," he finally admits. I give him the time he needs to continue. "It's the opposite, actually. In all my years as a warrior, as a servant to the king, I never expected that a little witch would be my greatest challenge." He finally looks at me, his golden eyes electric. "But you are."

"How am I your greatest challenge? I've come a long way since the start of training. Don't say you disagree."

"That's not what I meant. And yes, you have come a long way. Your progress has been…astounding, actually. But the challenge was never in training you. The challenge has been exercising my own self-control."

I stare at him.

"Self-control, discipline, honor. Those things were never difficult for me to master. And now I fantasize about throwing all of it away in exchange for you."

My mouth falls open slightly. He fantasizes about me?

Oh my god . I feel my cheeks heat.

"What's stopping you?" It's both a question and a dare.

He looks me over, his eyes undressing me.

"Look around. We live at court. We are assets to the crown. I'm to be engaged to the princess. And you're to be the heroine who will be talked about for centuries to come. I cannot escape my fate any more than you can."

"I don't believe that." I pull back from the railing. "I don't believe in fate."

"You don't think it was fate that predicted your arrival—that brought you here to this world? To this very spot at this moment in time?"

"I believe in choice. I believe we choose our paths, not fall into them."

"And what was agreeing to be the king's Dragon Rider? Was that not falling into your path?"

"I stayed to be close to him."

"To the king?" he raises his dark brows in question.

I fight the urge to smack myself in the forehead as I vaguely recall Zadyn's cautionary words when I first arrived here. He said not to mistake Jace, Sorscha, or the king for the people I knew and loved. That doing so could alter nature's course. So I hold my tongue, refraining from saying too much.

"He reminds me of my dad," I say quietly, staring out into the night. "He died almost three years ago."

Jace reaches out to brush my cheek lightly. The surprisingly tender touch warms my skin.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. I lift my hand to rest on his wrist, leaning into his touch slightly. He looks torn.

"I don't want to betray her," he finally says, his voice soft as night. His fingers slide to the nape of my neck, sending chills down my spine.

"I don't either," I whisper, even as our bodies draw closer like magnets. As I stare at his lips helplessly.

"We can't." He rests his head against mine, his fingers closing around my waist.

"I know." I nod. But if he doesn't stop this, then I know I won't be able to either. My stomach plummets in sweet anticipation, and my eyes drift closed.

After another second, he pulls back, and my eyes flutter open.

"It's late. We should go inside," he breathes, smoothing my hair. I nod and follow at his side.

"Serena," he pauses before the doors. I turn to him. "If you still want to be trained by someone else, I would understand."

"Will you stop being such a dick to me at training?"

He laughs, his whole face easing of tension. It's a beautiful sight. "I'll try."

"Then no. I still want you." He catches the meaning behind my words, his lips parting slightly.

"I'm so sorry. For how I've acted," he says earnestly.

"Thank you." I can't stop myself from reaching out to take his hand. I give it a gentle squeeze before releasing it. We continue back to my room in comfortable silence, and I sleep soundly through the night.

"Ta-da."

I hold my arms up in presentation, panting as Jace and I finish sparring. Rivulets of sweat drip down my neck as I push a few slick strands of hair off my face.

The king sits on the bench lining the round space, his face a mask of indifference. He stands and slowly walks toward me. I nearly take a step back when I get a whiff of the power rolling off of him.

"Your hand-to-hand looks good," he says, measuring me up with eyes so like my own. "There is room for improvement on weaponry, but you're good with a dagger."

I make a sour face.

"Your newfound speed and strength are impressive."

I nod in thanks.

Then he turns as if to walk away. I look at Jace, perplexed, but then a spear made of pure ice is flying toward me at the speed of light. Before I have time to scream or duck, a flood of cold blasts from my outstretched hand. My intent is to block the spear from skewering me. But that isn't what happens.

The spear is met with a wall of solid ice.

Awestruck, I step forward and tap my finger against it lightly. The wall shatters like glass, falling in a heap at my feet. I gawk at the sight.

The king smiles my father's smile, eyes crinkling gently. I can't help but return it.

"A deflector," he says in quiet wonder.

"A deflector?" I ask, glancing between them .

"Deflection is the ability to wield whatever gift is thrown at you by another. Basically, you can use your opponent's own power against them," Jace explains.

"Quick reflexes for a young witch." King Derek glances at his captain approvingly.

Jace nods dutifully. "Her gifts are powerful. Raw."

"And her control?"

"Working on it," Jace answers for me.

"Keep it up, Captain. You set out for the island in two weeks' time."

"The island?" I ask, glancing between them.

"It's past time you met your dragon, don't you think?" Derek quirks an eyebrow at me.

I shake my head stupidly, unable to process the mixture of emotions running through me at that thought. The king starts toward the corridor.

"Oh, sir? I mean, Your Majesty?" I call after him. He waits patiently as I approach.

"What are we going to tell the witnesses about my, uh, episode? The servants and Lady Clemence saw how I destroyed Zadyn's room. By the way, I'm really sorry about those curtains—they looked expensive."

"I've already taken care of them," he says dismissively.

My heart sinks.

"You executed them?" I gasp.

He bursts into laughter. "No, of course not. We wiped their memories of the incident. As far as everyone is concerned, you are still Lady Serena Accostia, cousin of the king, no more than High Fae."

I clutch my chest and sigh in relief.

"Well done, Serena," the king adds before disappearing into the corridor.

I gape after him .

"The king actually paid me a compliment before you did." I turn to Jace, stunned. He looks smug.

"Admit it," I all but skip over to him. "I made you look good in front of the boss."

"You passed his test today." Jace holds up his pointer finger. "Don't get cocky."

"I think I deserve a treat for my performance today."

"What else is new," he mutters as I trail him to the weapons rack.

"Two months ago, I could barely hold a sword, and now I can take you on. That's something to celebrate."

"And how would you choose to celebrate?"

"A trip."

"To where?"

I hum, tapping my chin. "I'm thinking Diamond City."

"Because that worked out so well the last time."

"This time is different. I have my magic," I say cheerily, leaning against the rack. "Come on, I've never seen the city in the day."

He levels a look at me. "Ask your guard dog."

"Considering he's probably balls deep in Cece right now, I'd rather not."

Jace chokes on his own spit, clapping a fist against his chest.

"Gods, witch. Your mouth !" I shrug and wait for him to recover. "Still sore about that, I see?"

"No idea what you're talking about," I lie smoothly.

"Honestly, you're never satisfied."

"How so?"

Jace sighs and faces me head-on. "You don't want him, but you don't want him with anyone else."

"If I wanted him, I would take him." I take a step toward him.

"Yet you won't cut him loose." He takes a step toward me .

"He's not my dog." Another step.

"And yet you are his master."

He stops an inch away, gazing down at me. All I can think about is his mouth and how it was so close to mine last night, with no one around to see.

"You seem so preoccupied by my relationship with Zadyn." He shrugs, indifferent. "What about you and Sorscha?" I test.

"What about her?" His voice tenses slightly, but he doesn't back down.

"Why haven't you proposed?"

An unvoiced answer passes between us, but he simply says, "It's not my decision. It's the king's."

He starts for the corridor, his pace quick enough that I have to jog to catch up.

"Not hers? Not yours? Neither of you have a say?" I press.

"Not really."

"Jace. Do you want to marry her?" A flash of envy at the prospect rips through me. It's possible for him to have feelings for us both. He's known her longer. Not to mention, he's been courting her for months.

"I want what the king wants."

"That's a bullshit answer," I quip. He stops and turns to me. "Do you love her?" I can't stop the question from flying off my tongue. He scratches the back of his neck and looks away. Everywhere but my eyes.

"I like her. I was her guard for years, but I never knew her on a personal level. When the king first posed the idea, I was hesitant and honestly a little surprised that he thought me a worthy match. But I couldn't refuse him. So I had to prepare for the fact that I might marry her. I got used to the idea of us; I even began to picture a life with her."

"A life as king consort," I add.

"That has never been my goal. I'm a fighter—I like being captain," he says openly. "But after spending so much time with her and committing to the idea of a marriage in my head, I'd be lying if I said I didn't care for her at all."

I nod, partially relieved and partially disappointed. It would have been easier if he had said he loved her and squashed my hopes and dreams on the spot. If I thought that maybe I was just an itch he wanted to scratch before settling down into royalty, I could walk away. But that tiny sliver of hope threatens to seize my body and make me do stupid, selfish things.

What is wrong with me? What is my plan here? Steal him from Sorscha? From my sister's doppelg?nger? From my friend who thinks I'm her " dear cousin "?

I'm a fraud. And a terrible friend for even thinking these things.

It's only when Jace tilts my chin up, forcing me to look at him, that I realize my face has furrowed.

"What's happening in that head of yours, witch?"

I shake out of his grasp. "Nothing. So," I breathe, continuing on our previous path, "Iaspus?"

"Another time. I have business on the border." He smirks, shaking his head as he strides away.

* ? Cue: Guilty As Sin by Taylor Swift