Chapter Forty-Six One WayAnother

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

I’ve made a huge mistake.

I drift awake alone to daylight through the paper windows, my body throbbing in so many places, I might’ve aged ten years.

When I make it to the bathroom and pick up the hand mirror on the sink, I let out an ugly squawk at my reflection, particularly the bruises nearly encompassing my throat. Memories flit behind my eyes, of Qin Zheng’s mouth on my neck, marking me over and over.

I slam the mirror down, yet, at the same time, an absurd craving pulls at the pit of my stomach, followed by the urge to throw myself off a building.

After getting cleaned up, I flop back down on the bed with my arm draped over my face. I vowed never to shame myself for sleeping with whoever I wanted, but there is no way to be proud of this.

Qin Zheng does intimacy the same way he does everything else: intensely, and with no mercy. I didn’t know it could feel so much like a battle for survival, my hands twisting in the sheets as I fought the bombardment on my senses to stay on guard, always on guard, against what he might do next. It does strange things to the mind, to not trust the person literally entwined naked with you. It was something completely different from the tides of warmth that used to fill me inside out with Yizhi and Shimin. Qin Zheng and I didn’t so much grow in intimacy as take our frustrations out on each other.

More bruises adorn my hips in a vague pattern of fingers. There were moments last night when I could tell he was thinking of how I’d turned my weapons on him to save Yizhi, and with a flash of fury in his eyes, the brutal rhythm of his body against mine became a punishment for my disobedience.

I could’ve said the stop code.

At no point did I come close to using it.

I smother myself with a pillow. I’d be less confused if he were like that the whole time, yet he would then slow down and kiss me like he’s apologizing, and that’s how I learned that the most grotesque punishment is one that turns my body against myself and leaves me wanting more.

When did I become so twisted that I would want more of something like this? I should’ve…

No, I can’t think like that. Qin Zheng sure isn’t. I bet he’s walking around not bothered whatsoever, not a single conflicted thought in his head about what happened.

Bastard. Maybe he’s right in that I’m still held down by guilt and shame, despite my best efforts at shedding those shackles. Even the way I’m thinking about this—I have got to shake the feeling that he took something from me, that I lost something to him. I didn’t. It was a mutual act of pleasure. And a little pain.

Okay, more than a little pain. I hope I left as many bruises on him as he did on me. The state of his back can’t be pretty after what I did with my nails.

The door swings open, accompanied by the sound of clattering metal. I jolt up, yanking the covers over myself.

Qin Zheng strides across the bedchamber’s center carpet in full armor and cape. When he steps onto the bed platform, I stare him down, even though the look he gives me and the curl of his grin set me ablaze from the inside.

“Good afternoon, kitten.”

I fail to stop myself from hurling a pillow at him. He dodges to the side, Wood-green qì flashing in his wide eyes, and draws his sword. With one swift slash, the pillow hits the floor in pieces, goose down erupting around him. I hate the way my stomach swoops at how smooth that move was. Yeah, he can swing a sword—so what?

Laughing, he waves through the drifting flurry and sits down beside me. “Wake up in a mood, did we? Can I make you feel better?” He pets my thigh through the covers.

I slap him away. “Don’t touch me.”

“Don’t play coy.” He leans closer and says, “You enjoyed yourself last night. I could see it and hear it. I could feel it.”

My face goes painfully hot as I recall some of the things I did and said when he had me on the right edge. “I was faking to get it over quicker.”

“Now, that is the worst lie you have ever told. You would sooner die than stroke my ego on purpose.”

My lips mash shut. He’s got me there.

“You missed the morning assembly,” he says with a more casual air. “I summoned your former assistant and made her the Imperial Secretary. You were right in that I was in urgent need of a new one.”

At the mention of Wan’er, some tension eases off my bones.

“In addition, your mathematician friend showed up with an interesting economic plan,” he goes on. “She proposed we repurpose the logistics algorithms of megacorporations such as Gao Enterprises to develop a national management system. Through it, every supplier, factory, distribution warehouse, and other nodes along a supply chain could communicate openly with one another regarding disruptions and respond to real-time changes in demand. The Cybernetic Cooperative Network, she called it.”

“Yeah, CyberCo. We’ve been using it at the Alliance to keep branches stocked. I’ve been trying to tell you about it for months.”

“Perhaps you should have done it with your clothes off.”

Wow.

I really slept with this man.

Though I can’t deny the relief that fills me at hearing him talk positively about Taiping.

“It’s Minister Gao, not my ‘mathematician friend,’?” I say. “Call them by their titles, like you do every other official.”

“Fine. Minister Gao and Secretary Shangguan. Anything for my lovely empress.” He moves to kiss me on the head. “Is this what it takes to get you to smile? I should have recruited women to the central court sooner.”

“Yes, you should’ve.” I shift onto all fours and climb out of the covers to kneel beside him, resting my arms over his shoulder. Anything to encourage this.

He cradles my face with one hand, stroking my cheek. “The rest of the court inquired extensively about the details of Minister Gao’s proposed policies, but she answered them quite convincingly. Perhaps her ideas can get this blasted economy under control.”

I lean into his touch. “What about Secretary Shangguan? How’s she doing?”

“She’s a swift learner. Only needs to be taught once to complete any task. I expected a bigger disruption to my correspondence after my…” he snarls, “ changing of secretaries , but it appears that she can take over the duties of that traitorous snake rather smoothly. Of course, if she betrays me as well, you won’t be able to save her a second time.”

His hand tenses against my cheek, and his eyes go cold in a way that makes me wonder if he found out that I tried to share the truth of our world on the networks. We did connect in a dream realm last night, afterward , to discuss our attack plan on the gods.

My fear scatters when he takes his hand off my face with a wide smile. “Now, I have something for you.” He fishes a jade pendant out of his armor. Engraved with gold, a dragon and a phoenix swirl around each other on the round surface. A nudge of his fingers and the pendant splits like the yīn-yáng symbol. He brushes my hair back and strings the phoenix half of the pendant around my neck on a fine gold chain. “This was in the most precious collection of jewelry we’ve expropriated. I thought it’d make a fitting gift.”

The half-pendant falls between my breasts, the translucent jade warm with his body heat. I examine it, tracing the gold outline near its edge. “So, you stole this.”

He beams. “It is always ethical to rob the wealthy.”

I snort. Maybe I’m just happy about Wan’er and Taiping having an excellent first day as officials, but I don’t hate him as much as I did when I woke up. What’s the harm in humoring him? Maybe it’ll keep him distracted from realizing I tried to commit treason. I take the dragon half of the pendant out of his hands to put it around his neck. Our eyes meet while my fingers work the clasp of its chain at his nape. Even after securing it, I don’t move away, breathing the same swirls of air as him. It amazes me, how I’ve grown used to being so close to him , of all people.

He pulls at my lower lip with his thumb. “What are you thinking about, empress?”

“How weird it is that I grew up with a portrait of you above my family’s dining table.”

He pales, and his hand springs off me. “That does not count as me having known you while you were an infant.”

“It’s okay. The portrait was really greasy. Could barely see your face in it, or maybe it would’ve conditioned me better against wanting anything to do with you.”

“Well,” he huffs, “it used to bring me physical pain to look upon your face.”

“Don’t be dramatic. I’m not ugly.”

He releases a slow sigh from his nose, eyes flicking down. “No. It’s that you bear a passing resemblance to my shīfu , General Mi. Once I discovered the fate she endured following my dis-appearance…”

“Oh.” I did notice she looked kind of like my mother in his memories. “Is that why you made me wear a mask?”

“Perhaps. Partially.”

“But it doesn’t pain you anymore?” I touch my face.

A muscle twitches under his eye. “No, you infuriate me far too regularly to remind me of my shīfu any longer. You have none of her charm or poise.”

“Okay, good. Because it would’ve been really creepy if you were thinking about her while pounding me senseless.”

He winces, then shakes his head. “Case in point.”

“So, can I stop wearing the mask?”

“Hmm…” His expression turns troubled. “The sudden change would raise unneeded questions.”

I sigh. “You just had to make your issues my issues.”

“Your face is precious to me,” he coos, cupping my cheeks. “Let it be all mine to look at.”

“I told you to stop being so possessive!” I grab another pillow like a weapon.

Laughing, he catches my arms in his hands and my lips in a kiss. I lower the pillow. When our kiss deepens, stirring cravings of last night, I give up on the idea of it being a one-time thing. I scoot back on the bed. He lets his armor slip to the floor in liquid form.

“It’s midday, you animal,” I whine half-heartedly.

“As I’ve said, the people will benefit if my mind is not elsewhere while I consider their woes.” He unfastens my robe and pushes it off, leaving me wearing nothing but the pendant. “I’ve already sent investigators to the Tianlao. See?”

“All right, if it’s for the people, ” I mock as I reach over his shoulders for his conduction suit’s zippers. It’s my first time really seeing him in it. He doesn’t look terrible in white.

He cooperates to peel it off himself. While he’s distracted, I push him onto his back and wedge myself between his legs.

“Oh—” He makes a puzzled noise.

“I’m still sore.” I grasp his knees and loom over him like a hawk. My half-pendant dangles between us. “It’s your turn.”

His eyes go wide, flashing the full circles of his irises. Then his expression loosens into nonchalance, and he shrugs.

“Cheap slut,” I sneer at him.

“Needy whore,” he fires back with a grin.

After this very healthy exchange, we grasp at each other and collide in another kiss.

I was anxious about getting so intimate with him because I was worried it might make him matter to me more than he should, but that didn’t happen. I don’t feel any different about him than before. I’m less on edge, even, because there’s no more mystery about what it’d be like to cross this line.

I grew up being told I should only do this with the most precious person in my life, that making the wrong choice would ruin me for good, yet…it really doesn’t have to be that big of a deal. We took precautions. I have a guarantee that he’ll stop any moment I want him to, a commitment I do think he’ll abide by, if he wants this to keep happening. It’s like sparring, carrying the thrill of a battle without true stakes.

It’s freeing, in a way, to know this is a release, not a binding. He’s just a warm body to me, something to take the edge off as we count down toward almost certain death. When I joined him in our dream realm last night, he confirmed that he doesn’t think we should delay our god-slaying mission. The longer we stall, the more we run the danger of getting snuffed out before we can strike. Re-working the calculations would reopen risks of the gods discovering our intentions. Continuing as planned is our best option.

Since I’m stuck with him, why should I feel ashamed about having some fun with him? I’ll be free in less than five months, one way or another.