Chapter Thirty-Five Always Prepared

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

ALWAYS PREPARED

“I can’t believe him!” Taiping shakes her head beneath the tunnel shadows. With the automatic lights being too unreliable when we’re sitting still, a bright white lantern illuminates the pages of dizzying calculations around her. “I swear, I had no idea!”

“I know,” I say. “It was all him. All them .”

“Next time I see Zhi’ er …” She thrusts a punch into her palm.

“Don’t,” I mutter. “He has our dearest emperor’s favor. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“What, to his top-secret mathematician?” She flicks the beads of her abacus, the only aid she can safely use for her calculations. They’re pretty much finished, but she likes to triple-check her numbers whenever she thinks of something new to factor in as she reads up on advanced physics.

“The mathematician who’s too scared to even wear silk now-adays?” I point out.

“Scared? What is Your Highness talking about? I abandoned silk to repent for the indulgent ways of my past,” Taiping says in a solid imitation of Qin Zheng’s public announcement voice. “Now I stand in solidarity with my fellow common working folk. No longer shall I don a material they can ill afford.”

“ Stop —” I wheeze, holding back a laugh that breaks through my gloom.

“But fine,” Taiping returns her voice to normal, “I’ll just give Zhi’ er a scolding he’ll never forget. I swear, he’s always been a little strange, but this…he is literally playing with lives.” She taps on an abacus bead. When she next speaks, it’s with a slow caution. “Are you going to track down Auntie Wei?”

My interest droops to the ground. “I don’t know.”

What could I do? Force her to abort the pregnancy?

“ That woman is a proud mother, and she is proud to carry the child within her .” Qin Zheng snarled at me when I returned to the throne room to confront him earlier. “ You cannot force your will on her. ”

Unsurprisingly, what happened between us in the dream realm changed nothing. Him wanting to fuck me doesn’t mean he respects me. In fact, it probably makes him respect me less. Men like him are strange like that, seeing what should be intimacy as conquest instead.

I don’t regret what I did with him, though. Who knows how much longer I would’ve been kept in the dark if I hadn’t caught him off guard?

Not that I can do anything with the information. I couldn’t even refute Qin Zheng’s astoundingly hypocritical argument. I wouldn’t forgive a man for demanding a woman carrying his baby to abort it, so what right do I have to do the same to Auntie Wei?

The best I can hope for is that she might miscarry, like Qin Zheng’s concubines two centuries ago. But I have no doubt I’ll then be pressured to try another pregnancy with my own womb. The gods seem convinced that having a child will be a vulnerability they can exploit in Qin Zheng.

Honestly, I might’ve gone with Yizhi, Sima Yi, and Qin Zheng’s plan willingly if they’d discussed it with me. I’m not unreasonable when it comes to dealing with the gods and playing up a part to pacify the reactionaries.

But they didn’t want to deal with the concerns I would’ve raised at every step.

Sighing through my nose, I tip my head against the tunnel wall. I still don’t understand why Yizhi did this. How could it have been worth it? The only reasoning I can think of is that he had to prove he had no more feelings for me in order to keep Qin Zheng’s favor. I recall the displeasure that descended onto Qin Zheng’s face whenever he was reminded of mine and Yizhi’s past relationship, the acridity in his voice in that memory before Yizhi suggested the procedure.

If Yizhi is that determined to draw a line between us, though, I’ll respect that line. I want nothing to do with him again.

Taiping flashes a grimace. “Honestly, Your Highness, I don’t understand why you ever bothered with men. Too many of them are not worth it. Not that I think they’re born awful or anything, but getting away with being awful so much more often than us doesn’t exactly discourage it. I mean, Zhi’ er ’s my own brother, and I’m not shocked to find out he did something terrible. I am always prepared to be disappointed by a man.”

“Through being awful, they have all the power and control,” I mumble. “Can’t exactly avoid them when they do.”

I think of how I ended up with all the men in my life, and how much that depended on them being male. Yizhi wouldn’t have been able to take regular trips alone to see me if he were a girl. Shimin wouldn’t have been recruited as a pilot, never mind getting paired with me. Qin Zheng would’ve been erased from history like General Mi. The world wronged each of them in a different way, but being men defined what they could do and where they could go.

Taiping makes a thoughtful noise. “If only you weren’t the empress. I know so many willing ladies I could’ve introduced you to. I could’ve taken you to the clubs.”

“Clubs?”

“You know, places like Club Lily, where Wan’er and I first met.” She speaks with a glint in her eye. “Gathering spots for those of us who don’t quite conform. Women who prefer women. Men who prefer men. Those who like either, or neither. Those who’d rather shake off the gender imposed on them from birth. Anyone who doesn’t fit into the neat molds society tries to squeeze us into.”

As she describes these “clubs” further, I recall Yizhi mentioning them at some point during our forest meetings. Back then, I knew too little about city life to conceptualize them, but now I can imagine the oscillating lasers, the thumping music, and the outcasts of society drinking away their troubles and dancing with wild abandon.

A flutter goes through my chest. “Places like this really exist?”

“No matter how hard the Sages tried to snuff them out, yes. The soldiers can raid one location, but another will pop up. They’ll never be rid of us.” Taiping grins. “The clubs aren’t open right now because the revolution has everyone extra on edge, but they’ll come back. They always do. Maybe I can take you to them in disguise one day.”

I manage a smile. “I would love nothing more.”