20. Ciel

20

CIEL

I let my body collapse onto the bed. I was utterly spent, there was no denying that. Ryan flopped down beside me, working hard to catch his breath.

“How did I do?” he asked, propping himself up on one elbow.

“Oh, Ryan,” I said softly, rubbing my hand along his upper arm.

“What, was it bad?”

“No, quite the contrary. You’re better at this than you think.”

He smiled, his eyes sparkling, before the smile faded. “Ciel, there’s something else I need to tell you that I avoided mentioning before.”

My smile disappeared, too. Ryan worried too much about everything, it was true, yet the concern on his face this time was genuine. “Yes?”

“My parents — you know I haven’t told them about you yet.”

“You implied as much earlier.”

“Yes, well, I misled you a bit. I did tell them that I’m seeing someone. They even know your name.”

I shook my head, wings drooping. “They don’t know that I’m a man, do they?”

Ryan winced. “No, they don’t. They don’t know you’re an angel either, but somehow I think that will be the easier surprise of the two to reveal to them.”

I took in a long, deep breath. I breathed in till my lungs ached, and then I exhaled slowly, lightheadedness threatening to overtake me. “I see.”

“And since they’re coming next week, I’m going to have to stay away from you for a little while, which means I have to ask you to stay away from me too. You understand, don’t you?”

I hesitated to answer that question. My heart throbbed, the conflict between wanting Ryan to be happy and wanting to feel like he cared about me tearing it in two.

“I have to admit,” I said cautiously, “I’m a little hurt by your request.” I let my hand slide off of his arm, and he caught it in his, squeezing it tightly so that I couldn’t easily pull it away. “You’re not going to tell them the truth about me during this visit, are you?”

Ryan shook his head, unable to look at me anymore. “I can’t, Ciel. I just can’t.” He let go of my hand and I withdrew it, wishing I could wipe away the lingering sensation of his touch.

“Then perhaps it’s best that we shall have some time apart from each other. It will allow us a chance to think things through, yes?”

He blinked back tears, getting up from the bed to gather his clothing strewn about the floor. His silhouette in the dark room was as beautiful as ever, almost making me regret my words. Almost .

“I know you want me to tell you that I love you and that I could never love anyone else,” he said, keeping his head turned away from me, “but I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be there. This has been fun Ciel, and I thank you for that. But life isn’t all about just having fun. If it were, I wouldn’t have moved here in the first place.”

His last sentence drove a dagger straight through my heart. “Then why don’t you leave?” I asked, my voice a little sharper than I’d intended.

“I might have to.” Ryan kept an even, calm tone, though he was getting more frustrated by the minute. I could tell by the way his fingers trembled as he struggled with his shirt buttons.

This was not the man who’d walked in here. He was still lost and confused, yes, but he was no longer excited or open to what the world had to offer him. He had a mission, whether it was right for him or not, and he was going to see it through.

“And if you do,” I began, “will you say goodbye to me first?”

His hands slipped off the button he’d been working on and he turned to look at me, his face ghostly pale. “Of course I will — if you still want me to, that is.”

“You know I do.” I cleared my throat. “Have fun with your parents while they’re here. Invite them out to dinner. Show them the library. Take them on a long walk through the woods on one of the nicer days. The cherries and dogwoods are just beginning to blossom, and a walk through them now would be heavenly.” I closed my eyes to ease the pain rising in my chest. I could do with the warmth and peace of the Heavens right now.

He swallowed hard. “I’ll do that,” he said quickly. “And, uh, Ciel?”

“Yes?”

“I’ll see you later.”

I shook my head. “I doubt that very much. Best of luck with your job search. If I see you around town in a few months, I’ll know that you got what you wanted.”

He finally looked into my eyes again, his own shining with unshed tears. He rushed over to me, threw his arms around me one last time, and I pressed a single kiss into his forehead, running my hands through his soft, silky hair and willing myself to remember this moment, as painful as it was to experience.

I couldn’t watch him leave, so I got up to stare out the window instead. I had to pull up the blinds, and as I did so, the sun shined down upon me so brightly, my skin would have blinded anyone who bothered to look.

If I had any sense at all, I would have wrapped my robe around me — or a towel, at least, but I didn’t care anymore. Ryan was gone, and that was all I cared about. Once again, I was alone with no one and nothing to look forward to. Even Heaven, with all its rules and regulations, would have been better than this mortal life.