Chapter 8

Chapter 8

She hesitated, wondering how to answer that. She didn’t want to sound like she was ungrateful for her place, or that she didn’t want to be here. “It’s just that I don’t know how to be a Little. I mean, I have a Little side. I do!” she assured him vehemently, as if he’d questioned it.

“Of course you do,” Angel agreed.

The absolute certainty in his voice stopped her in her tracks and it took her a second to regroup. “It’s just that I was never a kid, not really. My parents…” She let that trail off without finishing.

Heaven Leigh took a deep breath and let it out. “Anyway, when everyone else is running around screaming and playing pranks, I… just… I don’t feel like I fit. They’re happy to put on their uniforms and sit in class. Or sit at a table and color. Or…” She trailed off.

Angel’s dark eyes had been watching her, fixed on her. “And you don’t like those things?”

“No, I do, but… not all the time. Maybe it’s because I only got to play for a few minutes when I was growing up before there was some responsibility to take care of. Or maybe it’s just being a Little is only one part of who I am. I enjoy the same things they do, but then I want to get up and go do something else. Something that’s not playing. Something…”

“Adult?”

“Yes! Only not just for work. I love being in the kitchen with you and working has really helped a lot but there are so many other things I want to see and explore that unaccompanied Littles aren’t allowed to do here. I get antsy and I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin.”

Angel settled against the back of the loveseat, still looking at her. “So you have a strong Little side, but you don’t want to live as a Little all the time?”

She nodded.

“That doesn’t seem like such a hard fix. Sadie doesn’t stay in Little mode all the time. Neither does Hayleigh—she’s taking college classes now.”

“I know but both of them have Daddies of their own. They’re only in the Littles’ Wing when they feel like it. Or, I guess when their Daddies say they have to be, but not all the time. Not every day. Every hour.” She sighed.

None of this seemed like a surprise to the chocolatier. She had a feeling that he already knew all of this and was just trying to draw it out of her in her own words.

“That’s why you need a Daddy of your own, right?”

There was something in the way he said it that caught her attention.

It felt almost like there was interest there. Her cheeks darkened. She could feel the heat crawling up her neck. “That’s what Master Derek said, but no one is going to want me.”

That finally surprised him, and one eyebrow went up. “Why would you say that?”

“Because a Daddy wants a Little girl who is always a Little girl, and I’m not. I have a career. I’m used to being responsible for things. I’d feel suffocated if someone was watching everything I did and constantly trying to do things for me.”

“You know there is more than one kind of Daddy, Heaven. Not all Daddies want Littles who live that way twenty-four/seven. It’s understandable that it’s necessary in the Littles’ Wing. It would be too hard to manage everyone if they each had different rules, and were in different headspaces, but I think for most Littles that’s just a place to rest and recover from the world. To have fun and rediscover their inner child, until they’re ready to find a partner.”

Heaven rolled her bottom lip under, nibbling it as she considered what he was saying.

“When you have a partner and a relationship, it’s very different. There’s a lot of negotiating and balancing to find a situation that’s perfect for both of you, but I can assure you, that most Littles in those relationships get adult time too.”

Maybe… maybe he was right. Her only experience with being Little, or being around other Littles, did come from Rawhide, where things were a bit different. “Oh, I guess I just assume because of how things are in the Wing, that it was how things always were for Littles.”

Angel shook his head. “Every dynamic is different, Heaven. You just need someone whose needs match yours. What would you see as the ideal life for yourself?”

She started to answer and then stopped. “Do you mean just about kink? Or about my whole life?”

“Some people can separate kink into a small part of their life, maybe just in the bedroom. I don’t think those people end up living here though.”

He had a point. “Right. Um…” She had to think about it. Her focus had been on being a Little and what she needed from that, while trying to avoid thinking about the rest of her life. He seemed to want a full answer. “To be honest I was starting to think about just giving up my career entirely. I couldn’t picture going back… not after… but working in the kitchen with you has reminded me of how much I love being creative.”

She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I really don’t know what I’m going to do about that. There are big decisions to be made. I–” She cut herself off, on the verge of confessing about the company. That was a conversation for another time.

“I guess mostly I just want to explore this for now. I love being a Little, but I also want to”—she made a wide gesture with her arm, indicating the dungeon around them—“do all of this. And Master Derek says I need a Daddy, which I guess I do… but I don’t want to be cared for all the time. Sometimes, I want to serve, or, at least, I think I do.”

Angel made a sound she couldn’t decipher. “Did you have any experience in the scene before Rawhide? Maybe a boyfriend spanking you? A little bondage?”

If her face hadn’t still been hot, it certainly would have been from that question. She shook her head quickly. “No, no experience. I kind of thought I’d have the chance to get some here, but so far… not so much.”

She paused. “Well, that’s not true. I’ve gotten to be a Little and I do love it—in short bursts. And I’ve gotten punished a lot, and that’s something I think I want to keep. I don’t like it but…” She trailed off with a shrug.

It was hard to explain how she felt about punishment. She hated it when it was happening. And the dread beforehand, knowing it was going to happen, made her sick to her stomach, but the after part with the comfort was the best feeling in the world.

One eyebrow went up as Angel inclined his head. “But maybe you need it sometimes?”

“Yes. Sometimes.”

“Like today maybe?”

Heaven stiffened as her eyes rounded. “Uh, I mean, I don’t know that today specifically…”

“Because I couldn’t help but notice that when you got upset, which we are going to talk about in a minute, you immediately went to break a couple of rules. Now, I can understand not wanting to head back to the Littles’ Wing, but you came here.”

Her mouth dropped open and hung there for a few seconds before she snapped it shut again. What could she say to that? He was right. She hadn’t been trying to get in trouble on purpose though. It had just been an accident that her wandering had brought her to the dungeon.

Right?

Angel reached out and settled a hand over hers. “I think there is more to this than just feeling trapped, chica.” He hesitated and then continued, “Do you think it’s possible that being punished for breaking the rules, means someone notices and cares enough to do something about it? And maybe after getting upset today, what you needed was to feel that through getting spanked?”

Heaven frowned. “I got punished plenty when I was growing up and it never made me feel like anyone cared,” she pointed out.

Angel shook his head. “It sounds like you mostly got ignored. You said when you stepped out of line, your parents refused to talk to you and made your siblings ignore you too. Forgive me, chiquita, but that’s not what I call punishment. Punishment has a lot of important purposes, but making someone feel lost and alone should never be one of them.”

Had she told him that the “shunning” made her feel that? She didn’t think so, but she’d said a lot more than she’d intended to, so maybe he’d felt the emotion underneath. And he was right. Breaking a rule felt like being erased, being invisible.

It had worked in that she avoided getting in trouble out of fear, but… it wasn’t the same as what she felt when she was punished here. Being spanked did make her feel like someone cared enough to handle it. After it was over, she felt good.

Warm. Safe. Happy.

As a child she’d never felt that after. Just a need to be perfect so it didn’t happen again. Maybe Angel was right, but part of her rebelled at admitting it. “You don’t even know me. I mean, you’ve barely known me a week and you’re trying to unravel my head.” The tone was snippier than she’d meant it to be, and she winced and snuck a look, hoping he wasn’t mad.

Angel just laughed. His mouth turned up at the corners as he patted her hand. “That’s true and I look forward to getting to know you much better, but your response to punishment isn’t much different from a lot of Littles around here. Not much different from a lot of the other submissives either, for that matter.”

“It-it’s not?”

“No, why do you think they all get in trouble so much?”

“I-I thought, um… I don’t know. That they just liked it or something.”

He laughed again. “I’m sure some do ‘like’ it for various reasons, but from what I can see, a lot of times acting up happens because the Little needs reassurance that someone cares enough. The type of punishment that follows matters too. You can tell a lot about someone from what kind of punishments they dole out.”

The words made Heaven stop short. That was very close to the way she felt. Master Derek and Nanny J had both proven, multiple times, that she could expect fair and caring punishment from them. She trusted them both not to say harsh things and then ignore her.

Maybe she wasn’t so different from the other Littles after all. “But they do all those pranks. Those don’t seem like they’re for reassurance,” she pointed out.

Angel’s eyes seemed to sparkle and he grinned. “Well, there is ‘real’ punishment and then there’s play disguised as punishment. A lot of times I think pranks start out just from high spirits and having fun. Sometimes they go further than intended… and then they do end up in real trouble, but mostly it’s just regular mischief.”

“I’ve never really done that,” she admitted. “I don’t think I usually break rules on purpose, but maybe you’re right. Maybe today I did do it because I was looking for something.” Of course, it was possible she hadn’t needed to slip out of the Littles’ Wing every time she’d done it either, but she’d have to think about that some.

“Well, you found ‘something’. I’m not entirely sure you’re going to be happy with what you found.” His expression grew sterner for a second and then relaxed. “But we’ll talk about that in a second. First, I think I owe you an apology.”

“You-you do?” Heaven’s eyebrows went up.

“I’m sorry the joke about your name upset you, chica. I didn’t realize you were sensitive about it, but when you ran off, I was concerned. Hayleigh explained a bit. Maybe you could explain a little more…” He let the words trail off in invitation.

Heaven didn’t really want to talk about her weird childhood, but he seemed genuinely interested, so after a few seconds passed, she let the story come out. She tried to keep it brief. He didn’t need to unpack the whole trauma suitcase to understand. It was enough just to give him the basics—or at least, that was what she intended.

“My father was an evangelist type. Traveling around doing sermons in tents, sometimes churches would invite him in as a guest preacher. Me and my siblings were all part of the display and he liked to emphasize my name as being ‘Heavenly’ for obvious reasons.” She shrugged.

“Doesn’t sound like you were very happy.”

“No. No, I wasn’t. Once I left home, I tried to leave all of that behind me.” Talking to Angel wasn’t the same as talking to Master Derek. Things felt more formal in the office, and Angel was… easier. It felt comfortable to spill out all the problems she’d been having and with it, quite a lot of her history.

She even ended up talking about her family and what it had been like growing up. That was something she rarely did. The more she tried to cut off the flow of words, the faster they seemed to pour out, until, between this conversation and the earlier picnic, it felt like she’d dumped her whole life story in his lap.

Her hands flew up to cover her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to trauma dump on you,” she blurted, with her hands still hiding half her face.

He patted her knee. “You didn’t. You answered my questions. Some I hadn’t asked yet but was going to.”

“I don’t usually talk much about all of that. It feels like a different lifetime from now, honestly.” That was some other girl’s life. And that girl had never been happy.

“Seems like it still affects you though, in some ways.” He tilted his head and she nodded. “Is this connected to why you don’t like Halloween?”

Heaven grimaced. “You could tell, huh?”

“It was fairly obvious.” He laughed. “Is it for religious reasons?”

“No. Or… at least, not for my religion. I don’t really have one. I left that with my parents too. I really don’t know why I still…” She did know though and that came too close to a lie so she corrected it. “I remember wanting so badly to participate when I was a kid, but even hinting at it was bound to get me in big trouble.”

Angel made a sympathetic sound. “You know, Rawhide is a safe place to try new things. Not just kinky things either. If you did want to be involved with Halloween, you’d be welcome, but if it really upsets you, you don’t even need to help me work on the centerpiece.”

She shook her head quickly. “I’m enjoying it. I’ve just been trying to separate the work from what it’s for.”

“Well, it’s true that’s what’s taking most of my time at the moment, but we could find something non-Halloween for you to do instead. You’d still get to work in the kitchen with me,” he promised.

She straightened, thinking about that. It didn’t sound like she would lose much if she accepted the offer. On the other hand, she really had been enjoying the challenge of the chocolate diorama he’d been working on in pieces.

“I think it’s okay. I mean I want to keep helping with it.” Something occurred to her, maybe it should have come to her sooner, but it hadn’t. “I think in some ways… my reaction to anything Halloween related is almost a reflex.”

“A reflex? Hmm. You know, sometimes the best way to get over trauma is to be exposed to it, until it stops bothering you. You might consider taking part in the festivities. Maybe just dip your toes in to see how you feel. But—” he hastened to add, “no one is going to make you do something that’s bad for you.”

Again her first reaction was to wrinkle her nose and shake her head, but she stopped herself. Maybe he was right. She’d walked away from her bio family years ago, why was she still letting them control her actions? Wasn’t that why she’d left in the first place? So she could live her life on her own terms.

There really was absolutely no reason to keep avoiding Halloween aside from those memories. “Maybe you’re right. I—might do that.” The words were whispered, almost as if the idea was so daring, she couldn’t say it loud enough to be heard by anyone else.

His smile of approval was dazzling, and she felt a warm wave of happiness filling her up.

“But now, I’m afraid, we need to discuss the broken rules and deal with the consequences.”

The happiness deflated and was replaced with an “uh-oh” feeling that had her insides churning.