Chapter Thirty-One

Post-Cruise Tour: Denali National Park

I made it to the shuttle bus just in time. Slid into the last seat in the front, a couple rows in front of my parents. My dad raised his eyebrows and smiled.

I fought the urge to twist and look at the other passengers. I assumed Tanner was farther back, that he was going through with the excursion without me. I didn't know if he'd seen me, or if he would wonder what it meant that I was here. My heart was thumping hard, and not from my race to get here.

The bus headed up the highway, and I debated standing, facing the entire vehicle, and shouting to Tanner. Except I didn't know what to say. I like you? Please forgive me for thinking I wanted Caleb? I know we didn't get along for years, but now we do, so will you go out with me?

Knowing Tanner, he'd likely appreciate a grand, public statement declaring my affections, in skywriting or on a stadium screen or with a flash mob. But I had no airplane or giant scoreboard and didn't want our parents doing a flash mob dance to ask out a guy, so I faced forward, my hands twisting in my lap, debating options.

My mom slid into the seat beside me and put an arm around me. "Your dad said you weren't coming. You okay, sweetie?"

"I guess so."

She shifted. "What's up? Are you too cool to talk to me?"

I huffed a laugh. "It's been…a big trip."

"All the new things?"

"Partly."

"I'm proud of you for trying. I know a lot of it must have been hard for you."

"Yeah."

She sighed. "I've tried to walk the line over the years. Respecting that you and I are different, letting you be you, but also trying to make sure you don't miss out."

I leaned my head against hers. "I know, Mom. You did great. It wasn't your fault I was afraid to take risks."

She was silent a moment. "You know, your favorite characters from those movies and shows, the heroic ones? Their accomplishments, their great discoveries and biggest victories, never came when they played it safe. Living requires some risks. Loving takes risks."

"Like with Dad? Was it hard, to fall in love with him, after, you know?" We didn't talk about my bio dad often, both of us glad to have him behind us. "Did it feel like a risk? Or did it feel safe because he's a good guy?"

Her forehead wrinkled as she considered. "Your dad, your new one. He wasn't safe for me. The opposite, in fact. Your biological father and I got caught up in a whirlwind. The whole relationship was moving, and we never went deep and then it was too late. With your father, it was scarier, because he got to know me, flaws and all, and opening up to someone who truly sees you is far scarier. But it's worth it."

I thought of Tanner. We'd had a whirlwind this trip, but the adventures had been mixed with going deep, with admitting flaws and helping each other through them, and she was right. Those times might have been scarier than riding the ATVs.

Had I played it safe in dating like I had in the rest of my life? Gravitating to Caleb because I wanted something predictable?

"Thanks, Mom. And speaking of taking risks, I need your permission for a science program. Mr. Lin invited me. It would involve more travel." I gave her an overview.

"That sounds incredible," she said. "Do you want to do it?"

"I didn't at first, but now I think I do."

She rubbed my arm. "I'm not ready for you to leave. I'm trying not to think about college yet, but I suppose this program will be good practice for me."

"And for me. Oh. Speaking of new things. Did you hear about the promotion?"

"Mrs. Woods got it," she said easily.

"I'm sorry."

Mom shrugged. "I'm not. She'll be great, and I believe there will be other opportunities for me when the time is right. It's okay to be happy where you are but also look forward. There's a time for each one."

"Still, I would pick you for anything," I said.

She laughed. "Glad to hear it, kid."

The bus dropped us at a large log cabin on a platform over a rushing river. The water curved through mountains, winding into the distance through tree-lined banks. Some areas looked calm, but others rippled with white rapids, wider and faster than I'd anticipated. Why couldn't our final excursion have been a nice, calm covered wagon ride?

I stuck close to my dad as we trooped to a wooden deck. Radar in my brain was alerting me to Tanner's location at all times.

We put on dry suits that covered us neck to toes, to prevent hypothermia in case we fell in. How many people did that? I needed statistics here. Then we received paddles, life vests, and helmets that were marginally more encouraging than the zip line ones.

Our guide took us down a rocky path to the river, where several large rafts were tied. They were basically like flat balloons. We were trusting a balloon to keep us safe on a river full of pointy rocks. Coming here had been a grave miscalculation.

I sneaked a peek at Tanner, walking ahead of me with my mom. His shoulders were relaxed, and he was waving his hands as he talked, nearly hitting someone with his paddle.

It was like family outings before this trip, when we ignored each other. The return to our old pattern hurt worse than I wanted to admit.

Had he written me off after this morning? Decided I was too much work, we were too different? Or would he be open to an apology? To…more?

After a briefing on how to sit, how to paddle, and what to do if you were thrown from the raft and set adrift in the raging river, we prepared to board. Our raft held a dozen people plus the guide.

I was near the front with my mom, while Tanner sat farther behind me. I didn't need to be an expert to know I was in the splash zone.

We were off. The river did a lot of the work, sweeping us downstream. It was calm at first, and we practiced paddling. After a few minutes, my death grip on the paddle relaxed. In places, rocky cliffs met the water, and in others, pine trees grew thick on the shore.

"First rapid, coming up," the guide called, and I gripped the paddle again.

The water ahead was churning and white. The ride grew bumpier, and I bounced with each ripple of the water. We paddled hard. Spray shot up, splashing over me. Someone behind me whooped. It sounded like Tanner.

We bumped along, and I focused on digging the paddle into the water and trying not to get launched out of the raft.

It was more terrifying than anything we'd done yet. But thrilling, too.

During a slow stretch, we spotted two bears on the bank. I made myself watch them as we passed. They couldn't swim this fast if they wanted to catch us, not that they noticed us.

When they weren't trying to eat me, they were maybe, sort of, a little cute.

The calmer patches gave me time to think. I was going to take a chance, tell Tanner how I felt. That I wanted to keep spending time with him once the trip was over. That I liked him. Rather a lot.

If he shot me down, that was okay. I didn't know if he would want to try to make anything work beyond this trip. We were very different and had lots of complicated history. This vacation had thrown us together, against our wills.

But the kisses were a good sign.

We went through two more areas of rapids before the guide called out that we were approaching the biggest one.

The bumps were more violent, the spray completely clouded my vision, and my grip was slick on the wet paddle. Cold mademy hands stiff. My stomach felt like it might jostle up through my throat.

The same panic threatened as when we'd seen the bear, but I focused on breathing. I wouldn't let fear win this time. I set my jaw and kept paddling. Another wave of chilly water slapped my face. The boat twisted and bumped, turned sideways. We straightened it in time to go over a drop.

The raft tilted. So did my stomach.

And I was airborne.

I plunged into the river, the cold water a shock on my face.

The paddle nearly came out of my hand, but I remembered to hold on. I bobbed on the surface, and the life vest easily kept me afloat.

Next to me, Mom, Mr. Woods, and Tanner had also fallen out. Mom and Mr. Woods were latching onto the rope on the side of the raft. But Tanner was too far away, and the current was carrying the boat out of his reach.

I had half a second to decide.

Rather than reach for the raft or Mom's outstretched hand and safety, I stroked toward Tanner and extended my paddle toward him.

His hand closed around the other end. When I twisted back to the raft, it was floating away.

Remembering the guide's instructions, I rolled to my back and pointed my feet downstream. The water was rocking me, and the roar of it filled my ears. Apparently the dry suit was well named, because only my face was wet.

I felt a tug on the paddle.

"S'more?" Tanner pulled himself to my side and continued holding my paddle so we didn't get separated. Together, we let the current carry us.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Fine. But what were you thinking? You could have been rescued."

"I didn't want to leave you alone."

His hand shifted on the oar, and it brushed mine. His skin was as cold as mine, but the contact sent heat through me.

I glanced sideways. His eyes were soft.

"I thought you weren't coming today," he said.

"I changed my mind."

"How come? What happened with Caleb?" Tanner's use of Caleb's real name threw me.

"He's not the one I want. I thought he was. But that was before."

"Before what?"

"You."

Our gazes held and locked, holding as firmly as we clutched the paddle. My heart felt like it was being swept away, same as my body.

"So you decided to strand yourself in a raging river with me?" Tanner asked.

"Someone recently taught me that I need to take risks for things I really care about. For things I want."

We hit a faster area, water splashing up over our faces, and when we settled again, he asked, "And what is it you want, Savannah?" His voice was low and rough.

I waited until he looked at me again. "Isn't that obvious? I want you. If you want that, too. I mean, us."

The corners of his eyes crinkled as a slow smile enveloped his face. "How can I not want someone willing to face their fears to rescue me? Someone who challenges me and makes me laugh? Someone who helps me be better but accepts me when I'm not?"

He'd said it perfectly. "You are, too, you know," I said. "All of that, for me."

One of his hands reached out and grabbed mine.

Ahead of us, the raft was slowing as the rapids calmed, and the boat started to turn. The current carried us closer to it.

"Almost there," Mom yelled.

Our parents had probably been worried sick, while Tanner and I had a moment, floating freely down an Alaskan river.

"We're fine," I called.

"Better than fine," Tanner said quietly. "Right?"

"Amazing," I agreed, and the water was slow enough now that I faced him and basked in the glow of his brilliant grin.

A rope splashed nearby so the others could pull us in.

"Ladies first," Tanner said with a smirk.

I leaned over to kiss him, chilly and wet and wonderful, before I was tugged aboard.

Once the others had helped us into the raft, we'd continued, with no more man-overboard excitement. When we reached the shore, a bus carried us back to the main cabin. The dry suits had worked, but our parents bundled us up and sat us by the fire.

Tanner and I had shifted to share a blanket, as our parents left to explore the gift shop. I clutched a mug of hot chocolate and huddled next to him on a couch as a cheery fire blazed in a stone hearth.

"So," he said.

"So. First, I need to thank you. For keeping calm when we saw the bear. I would have been that guy's meal without you."

"Nah, it would have moved on. They're big and intimidating, but they're harmless."

"Like you?"

He laughed.

"I'm sorry for saying I was done with it all. I was freaked out, and going back to the past sounded safe, even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted. Even though I wanted to take a chance with you. But then I thought about everything you said, and you were right."

"Don't sound too surprised." A twinkle lit his eyes then faded. "I'm sorry, too. You were scared. It was a terrible time for me to push you."

I bumped his shoulder. "I told Mr. Lin I'll do the program. And I am going to look into engineering majors. Maybe it was bad timing, but I needed to hear it. Thank you."

"That's great. I bet one day you'll build the coolest spaceship ever invented. Hey, since you're making me a plan for researching colleges, now we can do it together. For every idea I come up with, I expect one from you, too."

"Fine. But no sending me eight a day just to mess with me."

"You overestimate the amount of work I'm willing to do. Even to mess with you, S'more. Does this mean I can say my girlfriend is a real-life rocket scientist?"

Girlfriend. I liked the sound of that. I bit my lip. "Are we dreaming? To think this might work between us?"

"I'll happily dream of you." His mouth quirked.

"I'm serious. We're so different. What do we tell our parents? How will it change family events? What happens if we break up and it gets awkward?"

"Whoa, slow down." He set his mug on the table then took mine from me and put it aside, too. "First of all, we don't have to tell them anything, since they saw you kiss me in the river." He was smirking. "And I don't need an exit plan. I'm in."

His words sent sparks soaring through me.

He took my hands. "Yes, we're different, and yes, we'll argue. But it's like that study we did on friction, right? That it can be good sometimes?"

"It's what lets us walk, or light a match, or make car brakes work. Actually, it's partly how airplanes fly, too."

"There you go," he said, smug like he knew he could always rely on science to make a point with me. "Have I mentioned that you're very smart and I find that incredibly attractive?"

I laughed softly. "Why did you apologize? After kissing me the first time?"

"I'm pretty sure you kissed me. But the whole agreement this trip was supposed to be about you getting Caveman back. I didn't regret kissing you, but I didn't want to pressure you, if that was still your goal."

"I think it stopped being my goal sometime between almost missing the boat in Juneau and the tour of the engine room."

"It's good to know that the way to your heart is through complicated machinery."

"Or just nice gestures in general."

"I'm great at those."

"Milkshakes help, too," I said.

"Noted."

"I'm going to work on it. The nice gestures."

He squeezed my hands. "You faced a raging river for me. That was A plus."

"Don't get used to gestures that are that big. We don't have many rivers in LA."

"Oceans work." He grinned.

"Noted," I said, and he laughed and gave me a quick kiss.

I wanted to get lost in it, but I had more on my mind. "We'll need some compromises. I might go to a party with you, but I'll need warning."

"That's fair. And those milkshakes were good, but I'm not always letting you pick the restaurant."

"Just no seafood," I said.

"You can keep Goldfish in your backpack just in case." He poked my side.

I wrinkled my nose at him. "I like my study schedules, but I won't make you study with me if you don't want to."

"With you, it might not be so bad. I'm a big fan of PDAs. Can you handle that?" He pressed his nose into my neck.

I squawked. "Cold."

He laughed.

"And…I will keep trying new things. But not all the time."

"I'll never push you to something that you don't want to do," he said. "See? We can make this work."

"And you'll let me beat you at the 10K?"

"Now you're asking too much."

We smiled at each other, and the same sense of infinite possibility swelled inside me as when I looked at the stars.

"What was your favorite new thing you tried this trip?" he asked.

"You want me to say you, don't you?"

His lips quirked up. "Officially being my girlfriend could be the new thing you try today."

"I already went rafting. And swimming. And saw a bear. I do have a veto left—"

He silenced me by covering my lips with his, warm and chocolatey. With one hand, he tugged the blanket around us, drawing us closer, and with the other, he cupped my face.

The fire crackled, and the scent of smoke would forever make me think of kissing Tanner.

Outside the huge windows, the sun was inching toward the mountains. The future stretched out before us, endless as the wilderness. I would face it all and hopefully find, like I had with the boy beside me, unexpected treasures and excitement beyond what I could have imagined.

Our time in Alaska was ending, but for me, I knew life was just beginning.