Chapter 20

Lainey

“I don’t want to talk about me or children.” Jas waved at her belly as Santiago rushed over to clean up the table she sat down at. Considering the scowling looks of some people standing in the corner, I had an inkling that she’d stolen someone’s spot. Tess glanced at me uneasily, as if sharing the same concern. “Give me something good, ladies. I need intelligent conversation, where someone doesn’t ask me twenty times in an hour if I need anything.”

I studied the scarred wooden table Tiago wiped down. Usually, I was a wet blanket when it came to personal discussions. I had nothing going on except work stuff. But now…

“My ex best friend who cheated with my ex-boyfriend has moved to town and I might have to work with him in a month. And I think I’m emotionally stunted. And the board at my hospital has gone insane with power and I’m worried they are legitimately risking patient lives.”

Jasmine pointed at me. “Yes. Great. We will get to that. You?”

Tess hesitated, her gaze flicking back and forth between us, before she blurted, “What happens when you get everything you’ve ever dreamed of and it actually sucks and you’re scared you’re just a trash human who will never be happy despite working your ass off for years to get this far?”

My eyes went wide. Tess’s did, too, as if she hadn’t meant to say any of that.

“You need wine,” Santiago pronounced, nodding down at us. “And cheese. Carbs.”

So, I sat with a glass of wine and a piece of brie, talking about work and ethics and happiness with two…friends? Yes, maybe these women were friends of mine. They were smart and kind and when Tess broke down into tears because her work as a creative director wasn’t all she’d thought it would be, that was okay. And when Jas told us she was worried about what kind of mother she’d be to one son, let alone two, that was okay, too.

It was alright when I whispered, “I’ve worked all these years to become an attending at Cedar, but I don’t know if I can work for those people.” A truth I’d hardly even articulated, myself. Tess patted my hand, and Jas handed me another piece of gouda. Jordan dropped off a tray of brownie bites.

Was this what I had been missing ever since I’d closed the door to personal relationships? Growing up, I hadn’t had anyone close enough to talk to like this. When Katie came along, it was like the heavens had opened up and sent an angel. “This is your person,” the universe had said. “This is your chance to have a real, true friend.”

Even though we’d jointly collected a few friends during college and med school, those relationships had fizzled when everything had fallen apart. I’d convinced myself I didn’t need them. But maybe, just maybe, I did.

Eventually, Tess announced we needed to talk about something happy, and we both agreed. Jas’s eyes narrowed at me.

“How goes it with Samuel?” She arched her eyebrows ominously. “Can’t be too bad. Word has it you two were fornicating on the gym mats a few nights ago.”

Tess choked on her brownie, and I thumped her back.

“We weren’t having sex ,” I hissed, glancing around for Tiago. This would be the type of thing he’d eat up. Unless he already knew. Oh God. What if June had seen the security tapes? “We were just kissing.”

“Hot kissing, by the sound of it. Relax.” Jas swirled her cranberry-cherry juice in the wine glass Jordan had given her. “Will hasn’t shown it to anyone. I think he only told Conner, but obviously Conner told me because he’s legally obligated to.”

“We don’t have to talk about this,” I told Tess, whose eyes were the size of the cheese plate. In my head, I begged her to please change the subject. I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk about Sam to other people yet, especially not his sister-in-law. Unfortunately, Tess must have lacked the psychic powers I hoped she had.

“We’ve already gotten into vaginal tearing. We might as well just put it all out there.”

Jas leaned forward as far as her belly would allow. “It’s the different degrees , Tess. That’s the terrifying part. But yes, let’s talk about men now. I currently have no sex life. Let me live vicariously.” Jas wiggled her fingers: gimme.

I bit my lip. “Listen. Technically, Sam and I aren’t…anything. We’re not supposed to date, and I have a lot of personal baggage that I’m trying to work through. He’s been really patient and understanding. We’re just…”

“Fucking,” Jas supplied, spearing a gherkin.

“No, we haven’t…well not fully…” Heat rose to my cheeks for the second time tonight. Tess and Jas swapped a look that had a lot of eyebrow action going on.

“I mean, yes, he’s amazing. The chemistry is surprisingly great,” I cut in, if only to stop the eyebrow situation from escalating. “He’s so nice. And I love talking to him. And being around him. And his body is insane.” They nodded, because no one could deny facts. “But we’re not supposed to be anything right now.”

“And you want more?” Tess asked.

“I want him to text me first!” My hand slapped on the table, rattling the cutlery. I hadn’t realized how much this had been bothering me until just now. Maybe the wine and camaraderie had loosened me up, untangling some of my inhibitions so that I could clearly identify my issues. Now that I looked around, I realized there were two bottles on our table. One was empty and one was on its way there. With Jas sipping her mocktail, Tess and I had consumed more than I realized.

“He doesn’t text you?” Jas frowned. “Well, he’s a pretty quiet guy.”

“No, that’s the thing. He does text me. But only after I text him first. I mean, I’ve told him a few times that I want to take it slow. But we are kind of dating. Some proactive communication would be nice every once in a while, you know?”

My breath left my lungs and I shoved the rest of my brownie into my face.

“That’s a deal breaker for me.”

Jas and I both looked at Tess. I’d gotten used to her quiet musings so the steel in her words took me by surprise. “You think?”

She nodded, staring into her glass. “You deserve a man who will go out of his way to be with you. You’re not just something that’s there . Or convenient . If he’s not willing to fight for it, it’s not worth you fighting for, either.”

I frowned. That didn’t seem to be exactly what was happening with Sam. He was quiet to begin with, as Jas pointed out. Maybe he just wasn’t as active a communicator as I was. My gut told me he wanted to be with me, though. All I had to do was think about those changed on-call shifts and that perfect non-date. The car orgasm. I didn’t feel convenient, per se. But sometimes it felt like my minor obsession was one-sided.

“I hear you,” Jas tapped her fingernail on Tess’s plate. Tess blinked, like she was coming out of a stupor. “But I have to say— and I know I’m biased here because he’s my brother-in-law—but I think you might wait a bit before kicking him to the curb.”

Tess blushed and dropped her eyes, but Jas continued, contemplating her. “We all deserve to feel wanted, and I’m not saying you should keep giving him chance after chance.” Her eyes flicked to me. “Have you talked to him about this?”

“No, because I’ve been pumping the brakes on us this whole time. Doesn’t it send mixed signals? Especially when we’re not even official?”

“Hun, you’re official. Whether you want to put the label on it or not, that’s the truth. Trust me, Sam would want to know you feel this way.”

“You think?”

“I know.” She surveyed the slowly emptying cafe. I didn’t even know what time it was. The vortex of supportive sharing and tapenade had me lost. “Listen, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I’ve been hearing about ‘Lainey from work’ for like two years straight.”

My jaw dropped.

“Don’t freak out. It wasn’t in a weird way, and he’s dated other women since then, here and there. But he talks about your work, Lainey. How smart and charismatic you are. How you put the patients at ease. He likes you. A lot. He’s wanted this for a while. Trust me, if you tell him you need something, he’ll put in the work.”

I drained the rest of my glass, not sure how to respond. Tess gulped hers as well.

“Yeah, ignore me. That doesn’t sound anything like my situation. I mean, I was with a guy for twelve years and he probably never talked to his family about me like that.” She buried her face in her hands, purple strands floating around her fingers. I thought I caught a whispered, “Oh, God.”

I exchanged a look with Jas. “Maybe now we move on to that .”

◆◆◆

By ten p.m., Tess and I had worked our way through a good bit of our second bottle, and Sam and Conner arrived just in time to peel us all out of Molido’s so the staff could close up. I kept telling myself that it was fine that I was a little drunk, because I didn’t have surgery tomorrow, and it wasn’t even that late.

I told that to myself, a lot. Also to Sam, who volunteered to take me home while Conner and Jas drove Tess.

“You’re allowed to let loose,” Sam agreed, which still didn’t stop me from trying to justify my multiple glasses of wine. As someone who barely drank, splitting two bottles was out of my realm of experience. But it was so worth it. I babbled while Sam drove.

“…Can’t believe he could do that to her, you know? Just forget about her like that. Or ignore her. And not how you ignore me, sometimes, you know? Ignore her like he forgot her birthday, Sam .”

“Hold on—”

“Which makes no sense. Because she’s soooo pretty. Don’t you think she’s pretty?”

“Yes.”

When I frowned over at Sam, he was frowning back at me. Matching.

“I bet you wouldn’t say that if we were dating.”

“What…” Sam swiped a hand down his face, trailing off. “What do you mean, I ignore you?”

“You never text me first. Ever . But that’s probably since we’re not dating.”

“I’m sensing a trend.”

“Would you text me first if we were really dating?” I asked, still twisted up like a pretzel in his front seat. He gazed out the windshield after throwing the car into park and shutting the garage door behind us. His frown didn’t budge.

A moment or two of silence passed.

“Hello?” I’d gotten used to his unfiltered thoughts. The way he spoke to me now mirrored how he interacted with his brothers—easily and without too much forethought. Seeing him revert to his more contemplative state put me on edge.

He scoffed, mouth quirking in response to my impatience. “You know, if I could, I’d date the crap out of you, right?”

“Sounds unpleasant.”

“You’d love it. The only reason we’re doing this trial period is so you can ease in here.”

I nodded. “And the plausible deniability.”

He chuckled. “Lainey, no one at work is going to come after you for hanging out with me. You’re too important to the department.” His fingers stroked over my thigh. I cursed myself for wearing leggings today and not shorts, but I couldn’t risk exposing the bite mark. It was fading, but it still had a few days to go. “You let me worry about the work stuff. As for the rest of it, I’m trying to respect your boundaries.”

“My boundaries would appreciate a text every once in a while.”

His teeth flashed. “Alright. Thank you for telling me that. Anything else?”

I leaned over the console, only to be stopped short by the seatbelt suddenly tightening across my chest. He rolled his lips under his teeth and reached over to untangle me, releasing the belt.

“My bites are fading,” I pouted. He swallowed. “You should probably give me some new ones, just in case.” Just in case of what, I didn’t know, but it seemed like the right thing to say, especially when his eyes dropped to my mouth.

He reached out to stroke my bottom lip with his thumb. “You liked that?”

He had no idea. I wanted to get them permanently tattooed on my body. Evidence that I could drive Samuel Reese so crazy he lost all control.

“Mmmhmm.”

“Then you’d better come in so I can take a closer look.”

On the way up to his living room, I whirled, nearly crashing down the steps. He caught me around the waist and lifted me up the last few stairs to set me down on level ground. “Did I totally interrupt your night? I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I like you here.” He fisted my ponytail gently to tip my head back and drop a kiss on my lips. It felt really nice. Natural. Like we were meant to be kissing in his living room, maybe forever? “I was going to grab a bite to eat and go to bed. Adding you to the equation drastically improves the next hour.”

“Even though I’m a little wobbly?”

“I’ll take you however I can.” He squeezed my waist before heading into the kitchen to fill up two glasses of water. He moved like a boulder, slow and steady. It was oddly comforting to watch.

“So, about those bite marks…” I wandered to the kitchen island, hoping to seduce him into letting me spend the night. He pushed a glass in my direction and I gulped it down, attempting to quell the fire that started smoldering in my belly whenever he was around now. Again, I had to ask myself: How had I not noticed him before?

He looked tired as he rummaged through the fridge. It was past ten, and he’d put in a long day. If memory served (and it did, I had his schedule memorized), he had to be up early tomorrow for back-to-back morning surgeries.

“Are you sure this is okay? You probably need sleep.”

“Really, I’m only planning on shoving some food in my face and then winding down. Please, stay.”

Well, when he practically begged me… “Some food, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Like…pizza or something?”

“Yes.” He didn’t skip a beat, closing the fridge and pulling a pizza out of his freezer. I was usually a pizza snob—I had very specific crust preferences—but a few small cheese plates and brownie bites did not a dinner make, and my stomach was rumbling.

“You planning on eating the whole thing?”

His mouth tipped up into a smile. “I could be persuaded to leave a few pieces behind.”

While it was baking, we talked about his day and his surgeries tomorrow and my wine night. He fed me pizza when it was ready. Later, he persuaded me into one of his massive shirts and told me in no uncertain terms that he would not be getting inside tonight. I yawned while I protested this. We went to sleep on soft cotton sheets, Sam’s arm wrapped around my middle and my head pressed against his chest.